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Original poster

have i been really nice or incredably stupid?

31 replies

shelleylou · 11/04/2008 21:04

My xp has seen ds for 4 weeks now as he lost his job just before easter from what i can tell (text me easter monday to say he didnt know when he would be ale to see ds for that reason) . I spoke to him tuesday night to come to a agreement over him texting to find out how ds was and mentioned him coming down for a day to see ds, told me he couldnt as he has no transport etc and that it would be at least another month untill he would be able to see ds.
Ds and I went to my mums earlier nd she mention that dad had said about picking xp up from his and bringing him here so he could stay for a few days to see ds. This wouldnt be a specific journey made to pick xp up as my dad has clients he has to see where he lives.
So i phoned my xp and gave him the option/offer to do this as long as he could find his way back either public transport or getting his mum to collect him. He's going to see if he can sort something out and if he can he will come. I'm just trying to find a way for ds to see his dad hes 17 months so im worried the recognition wont be there if its too long between his last visit to his next. Hes an innocent party in all of this and as far as im concerned he deserves to see his dad however i now cant help ut wonder if ive been stupid by inviting xp to stay IYKWIM.

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gillybean2 · 11/04/2008 21:07

As long as your motivation is for your son to see his dad then you are being very nice. If you're hoping spending time with you and your son will get your ex wanting to be back there permanetly that might be different...?

Original poster
shelleylou · 11/04/2008 21:12

It is for him to spend time with ds, i know i will have to see him etc and speak to him once ds has gone bed. I've not thought about gettin back with my ex tbh i dont think i would. I know he wouldnt and doesnt want a relationship with anybody at the moment.

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littlewoman · 13/04/2008 02:08

I know this feeling. Used to have my first xh over sometimes overnight because of distance. It is nice of you, but it feels awkward aswell. You may find that he just takes himself off to visit old friends in the evening, if you both used to live in that town. If not, you're stuck with him for the night which feels wierd. But you'll be okay

mankymummy · 13/04/2008 10:54

I think you've been nice then. Dont underestimate how hard it'll be having him in your house though. I have my ExP here once a month because he lives in another country and it drives me mad. He treats the place like a hotel and even once moaned at me saying "god, you always overcook my toast", why the hell i was making his breakfast i've no idea.

Original poster
shelleylou · 13/04/2008 13:25

Littlewoman he doesnt know anybody where i live as i moved up to him and then back to where im from originally after we split so ill be stuck with him.
Hes stayed over at our flat after we split up so we could both take ds to see the fireworks as it would be his first bonfire night. We managed ok had a drink and where very civil. I wont allow him to treat it like a hotel if he comes (should find out later) he'll be sleeping in ds's room and with any luck getting up in the mornings with him so he can have time with ds without me etc.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 13/04/2008 22:41

Looks like i got my answer incredibly stupid! He turned down the offer and refused another of my dad taking him back. I dont know why i thought he would be bothered. Surpose i can take comfort in knowing that ds is too young to understand and didnt know that it was a possibility.

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littlewoman · 13/04/2008 23:14

How can it be stupid when you were trying to do the best by your son, Shelleylou? I think it was incredibly brave, considering what an arse you are working with here, and knowing he would almost certainly let you down. Don't be so hard on yourself... stop it immediately The nicer you are to everyone else, the harder you become on yourself. Remember that, and be nice to yourself because you are a good mum and a thoughtful xdp, even though tosspot doesn't deserve it

gillybean2 · 13/04/2008 23:19

Don't take it personally, there could be all manner of reasons why he said no. Let him know the offer still stands if he changes his mind, but don't dwell on it too much.

Original poster
shelleylou · 13/04/2008 23:24

Stupid for thinking he actually gave a toss about ds. I know i did it with the best intentions but im fed up of having it thrown back in my face doesnt help that yet again hes text but hasnt asked how ds is. Think that says it all.Im just thankfull that he gets everything he needs from me always has done even when we were together it was me that put clothes on his back and not his dad.im close to my family so hes got 2 uncles and a grandad who dote on him as male role models. I wont be so hard on myself, just writing this has made me really see what a waste of space his dad is and how much better of he will be without him, i feel that'll be the next step he takes. Ds is gorgeous even though i am biased and xp has no idea what hes missing out on.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 13/04/2008 23:25

Gilly he just said he couldnt all he had to do was get in and out of the car at both ends. It isnt like money was an issue as he isnt paying for petrol or anything else

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littlewoman · 13/04/2008 23:47

Good girl, positive thoughts. When he wants to see ds, he will find a way to get there come hell or high water. Meanwhile, you know you have done your best, so rest your mind a bit if you can.

Original poster
shelleylou · 14/04/2008 00:10

Hes going to have to arrange it with me rather then tell me he wants to see ds. I refuse to allow him to mess ds about. If he wants to see him that much he would take every opportunity and make every effort in my way of thinking and he most certainly isnt doing that.

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littlewoman · 14/04/2008 00:26

Yes, when you think about it, he's not arranging anything is he? He's telling you he wants to see him, you knock yourself out arranging it, and he lets you down. Now you've recognised the pattern, don't play this silly game anymore. Well thought out, actually. Well done, shellylou.

Original poster
shelleylou · 14/04/2008 00:32

It was my parents idea originally as they are both very aware that i wanted him involved in ds still. So they have ben very accomadating my dad especially as it would have been bringing him here and then taking him back as he was in the same city to collect him but a bit further away to take him back.
I refuse to play games. My son isnt a toy that xp can pick up and play with as and when he pleases and then shove in a corner when hes not intrested. So to speak. Ds deserves much better than that even if it means not having contact with him.
I'll await the solicitors letter lol as hes going on JSA if im going to et one it will be now so he can get legal aid.

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littlewoman · 14/04/2008 00:39

Even if you do get a solicitor's letter, the solicitor can't be unreasonable enough to think you should do all the running around and aranging. Even so, it will be lovely waiting for that to come through the door, eh? Keep us posted.

Original poster
shelleylou · 14/04/2008 00:42

Ye hell have one back, most likely land on my mums mat not mine. Dont think he actually knows my address but his mum has my parents. I know the solicitor he will use anyway so i'll know what it is before i open the envelope lol. I doubt he will though would be too much hassle over ds. other children are more important and 2 out of 3 arent his Yes ill keep you posted. Night

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littlewoman · 14/04/2008 00:59

Oh, he has other children to care for? What a mess this world is ... So sorry for your situation. Sometimes it feels lke the stress and problems are never ending

Original poster
shelleylou · 14/04/2008 10:37

he has one daughter who lives with her maternal grandparents and he sees her two sisters which are his ex's from her marriage. He managed to see them at the weekend so i think that has added to my annoyance. Thanks

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Original poster
shelleylou · 28/04/2008 19:08

He actually text 2 weeks ago to see how ds was. The agreement was once a week. I didnt think hed stick to it as similar agreements have been made in the past and have lasted a week.

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littlewoman · 29/04/2008 00:41

Hi SL, how are you doing? Threads drop off the page quite quickly here, so it's easy to forget what's been going on with people. How are you coping?

Original poster
shelleylou · 29/04/2008 09:05

Im fine thanks. Not a lot to say really havent heard from ex bar that one text to ask how ds was

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littlewoman · 29/04/2008 10:06

My first xh was like this, The kids saw him two or three times a year, and he never phoned in between. My 2nd xh is in my face every 5 minutes. Think I preferred it the first way round!
Your ds won't notice much, but I think it's hard for them when they go to school, not to 'have a daddy'. Do you think he might still love you, so he avoids ds purely so he doesn't have to see you too?

Original poster
shelleylou · 29/04/2008 11:01

He mentioned when we spoke on the phone just after easter that he hopes we get back together sometime in the future. I think a lot of it was fueled by me being the person i am when we first got together. Just before ds was born and til we finished we had a lot of pressure put on us by his ex regarding her kids and by the kids. It didnt help that i suffered from PND twice in that time.

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charlotte121 · 29/04/2008 11:51

hi shelleylou, just thought i would let u know ur not alone. I think your coping really well with the situation and the fact that ur exp is a prat.
Im in a simialar situation. i go out of my way to help xp see my ds but he is constantly loosing his job, hanging out with his mates, seeing his babrbie doll gf and is too busy playing daddy to her daughter... i think thats what really hurts, that he can b a father to a child that isnt even his, but not bother with his beautiful amaizing little boy. Im expecting another baby by him that is due in just under 5 weeks and he has made it clear that hes not interested in this one and so far hasnt made a single financial contribution to the preperations for the baby which is difficult because im a student at uni so dont have a huge income.
I have also recently found out that he has other kids that he doesnt see... Im totally disgusted that my son is his 5th child so the bump is number 6. he doesnt take responsibility for any of them.
At the end of the day when ur son is old enough he will see the effort you put in to getting his dad to see him, and although it might hurt that his dad couldnt be bothered he will see you as a brilliant fab mummy who did her best. And you never know u may meet someone else who will actually be a good daddy for your wee man. chin up, you were doing your best which im sure wont go un noticed. x

Original poster
shelleylou · 29/04/2008 14:51

Thanks charlotte. His dads text today to find out how he is so i told him hes being investigated for diabetes and all he said about it was i know whos got it in my family are there any in yours!!!
He then went on to ask if i tell ds that daddy loves and misses him. Toild him i didnt want to upset ds as dont know when he'll be seeing you. Hes come back that hell never forgive me for that and ds needs to know hes there for him etc. This is the first time hes asked how he is in 2 weeks.

Ive text him back explaining if ds mentions him i tell him and even told him that you drive lorries as we saw ere earlier and ds said dad. Theres a lot you wont forgive me fo. I wont forgive you for not asking how ds is as we agreed and leaving me to deal with the possibility that hes diabetic on my own. You havent even asked whats happening at the doctors or if ill let you know when i find out anything.

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