Do I keep the baby?

[trainwreckwendy]

I'm 41. Divorced. Main reason behind divorce was that our relationship failed due to our inability to conceive (he had a child from a previous relationship so assumed it was me with the issue - we didn't get to any investigations, so I assumed that too). I have always wanted a family. I have been heartbroken to say the least. A colleague/friend and I slept together after a work thing at the end of April. There was no spark. We've agreed we are just friends. I took the MA pill. You know the next bit...

Putting aside the awkward fact that it's a friend's baby/he needs to know/how will he feel, I need to first know how I feel. I need to assume he will want nothing to do with it so I know I could go it alone...

I'm so torn - I've always wanted to be a parent, but how on earth do people manage totally on their own? I have good friends here but they're all in 2.4 families. I have lovely but ageing and far away parents. I still rent! I am employed (and fairly well) but it's a busy job! I do not know if I am up to this. Please help!

Of course you keep the baby you have been longing for. All the rest will work itself out. Lots of people manage alone and you can too

And congratulations x

Also, 41 isn't old to have a baby as you said aging. My mother had me at 41 and my cousin had hers at 40 and my stepmother had one at 43 and they're all doing great. 40 is prime of life, physically young enough to do things and mature enough through experience.

Congratulations by the way! Mr Stork had his eye on you

Thank you both. That's so optimistic and positive - it really helps. Everyone I know has just done this the conventional way (or at least in my immediate group) and that's what I thought I would do too. So it's terrifying to think of going it alone and having to explain to people.

I'm a lone parent and it's tough financially and practically. Especially the early years when you need childcare to work.
But realistically this is probably your only chance to be a parent, and even knowing how hard it can be, I wouldn't turn that down, not if I wanted a child.
So congratulations!
You need to talk to your colleague in due course, as he will need to contribute financially (and may want more involvement than you think).
I recommend the solo parenting Facebook groups.

At 41 if you desperately want a baby then I would go for it .

He may or may not want it but he is still financially responsible too . As you used the MAP he must have known there was a possibility of pregnancy too.

you will feel exhausted , lots of juggling but lots of joy too, you would regret not keeping this baby.

As you are only four or five weeks pregnant, unlike a previous posted who referred to 'killing a baby'. I don't think you'd be doing that at this early stage. So it's still an option.

However if you want a baby and you're 41 then if it were me I'd go for it. I'd be thinking that it could well be my last opportunity.

Take all the vitamins and minerals etc that you should and look after your health while you decide what to do. Get all the health tests that you're able to access.

Investigate benefits and think about nursery and who in your family may be around to help etc.

Then decide. Who knows, perhaps you may reconsider with your ex if he likes babies too and isn't fussed it's not his sperm.

And all the best if you go ahead with this pregnancy

I apologise! Your issues isn't with the word killing but the word baby. That's what the commenter asked, whether to keep the baby. Also I've never heard a pregnant woman call it a foetus so I always say baby. Sorry for my previous hasty reply!

Dont like the word 'killing' being thrown around. Fcol.

Anyway i was single parent ...i loved it. I struggled but all was worth it ..i am on a good wage. It can be done. Its not easy but so worth it.
Either way you take it, i understand.

....'if you choose not to have the baby' for starters

You’ll make it work if you want to.
They’re not ideal conditions to bring a child into the world, you know this already.
I would personally take the decision not to continue with the pregnancy but I have 3dc and have never known what it’s like to long for a baby and not be able to conceive one so my decision is based on my own feelings and not yours.

Only you can make this decision OP, the only advice I would give is to really think about the support you have around you. My baby is nearly 6 weeks old now but in those first 10 days ish especially I honestly don’t know what I would have done without my husband, my mum & dad, my sister and my closest friends. I was one of those people while pregnant who just thought everything would be fine, I’d manage, I wouldn’t want visitors straight away etc… literally the day I arrived home with my baby I realised how wrong I had been and I really needed that support! It’s all of the little things that you need people for, someone to pick up formula at 10pm if you can’t drive yet after birth, someone to just hold your baby so you can have a bath, someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours while you get some sleep after being up all night, someone to take care of YOU postpartum so that you can focus on looking after your baby (cook your meals, help you shower, organise any medication/injections after birth, hold you while you cry even). I like to think I’m a pretty strong & independent person, I thought I was prepared for newborn life, but after a difficult delivery arriving home with my newborn I honestly felt so overwhelmed and I’m not sure how I would have managed without having such an incredible support system around me. People do it alone and I really take my hat off to them, it’s not easy, think about who your “village” could be and I don’t mean friends who text you to check in I mean who could you call at 10pm who would pick up and be at your front door in minutes. Good luck x

I was unexpectedly thrust into lone parenting. (Thanks to a complete arsehole of an ex) childcare was a huge struggle to find at short notice for a 2yo but you have probably 18 months at least to make your plans, so you have plenty of time.

If you were in your 20's, you'd have plenty more opportunity to find a partner and make a 2.4 family but at 40+ it likely won't happen, so in your shoes I'd take this opportunity to be a parent. It's a decision of being a parent or not at this point

In many ways, it's easier to be a lone parent, than a person in an abusive relationship. I do what I like, I don't have to worry if someone else has made plans. You don't have to resent a snoring lump next to you while you're up all night with a baby. Although he may actually be excited and want to be a father, so be prepared for this as well, and how you would want this to look.

I found a new boyfriend and his family are all well aware that I have a child and that I'm alone with her but they have literally never asked for details. New people will generally just take your situation at face value and any decent people you already know will support you 😀

Money is fine. I'm on UC top up, but I consider myself to live a fairly comfortable lifestyle, the UC basically covers childcare and she's not too expensive otherwise 🙂

Not sure I would want a baby at 41-42, but as I had mine by 32/33, (and was not without children at 41,) it's easy for me to say this. As you are someone has not had a child yet and has always wanted one, if it's what you really want then go for it @trainwreckwendy

The child will still be at school when you're nearly 60, and it will be exhausting having a young child during menopause, and you day you have very little help. Tough one. I don't envy you ... I have to say thought, the positives of having a child do outweigh the negatives to be honest.

Firstly congratulations.

Go to the doctor and get checked out make sure everything is progessing well.

Obviously you meed to tell the "dad"

So many people do this alone. Its isn't easy but youll manage

This is your chance

If you're 41 and you want a baby (and frankly, the fact that you are pregnant suggests that you do), then clearly this is your opportunity. The baby's father is financially liable regardless of his wishes, and rightly so if he is having unprotected sex with women of childbearing age.

If I were in your shoes, I would keep the baby. 41 isn’t “old”, it’s a fairly normal age to have a baby where I live.

But I second other’s advice on taking vitamins etc until you decide, and going to the doctor to make sure it’s all progressing.

Good luck, Op.

I had my 3rd at 41, and my age was not a problem then, nor has it ever been( he’s now an adult). I was menopausal when he was a teenager, but it was no worse than when his siblings were teenagers .
Your age is not a real issue other than realistically , this might be your only/last chance. Or it might not be, but chances become smaller each passing year.
As you’ve been wanting a baby for a long time, I think you’ll be sorry if you don’t go through with it.
Talk to the father sooner rather than later so you can decide having an idea of how much support you’ll get. He’ll be liable for CMS anyway, whatever he thinks.

I was in a similar situation to you and kept the baby. The father whilst shocked has been supportive but hands off, he has no day to day involvement with my child.

It wasn't easy going it alone, I was lucky that I had family and friends around for support and I have a good job with good maternity provisions. Not one single person has ever judged the fact I'm a single parent or the way that came about, at least they've never said as much. I have a lovely group of mum friends, some of whom are single parents through donor root, families come in all shapes and sizes these days.

It's the very best thing I have ever done and I wouldn't change it for a second...even though she still doesn't sleep through at 5 :P

Congratulations and best of luck

The Dad might support more than you think. At least you already have a friendship. Has he got other children or first for him too?

I'd have it without a doubt. I agree with @Mrsttcno1 about the support you'll need. You can struggle on and get through without it but it will be far less miserable with.

To those talking about age, it's irrelevant. She's in her fertile years that's all that matters. Many people deal with children in the menopause (which could be 10+ years away and symptom free). If you had them younger they'd be teens - not sure that's any better!

I had ds at 45, and my ex checked out pretty sharpish. I coped.

I had my year's mat leave, found a lovely childminder close to the office, then went back to work. Dropped ds off on the way in, collected on the way home. No family close by for support but I built a new-style life around ds and loved every minute of it. He's 16 now, just finishing gcses, a happy confident young man.

Life changes when you are a mum. Things that previously mattered aren't so important. And they teach you so much about yourself. I wouldn't have missed it for a second.

If you have always wanted to be a mum, here is your chance. Grab it with both hands. 🤗Congratulations.

@Burntouted OP is only 41. Her child will be an adult when she is 59, or 60 at the latest. She won't have a teenager in her 70s.