Lone vs single parents

[TotallyFloored]

Does anyone think that Mumsnet should have two separate categories for this ?

Before anyone starts, I have no issue at all with single parents (ie those who are separated but still have involvement from the other parent). But I do feel that that situation is different from those parents who are raising children entirely single handed (not better or worse, just different). I'm not interested in only hearing from people in my exact situation.

I just know I have experiences and issues that sometimes I would like to discuss with other lone parents (although I'm always happy to hear other people's perspectives). When scrolling through the threads though, I often find ones that look like something that might be relevant to me, but aren't really when you actually read them. And I'm sure it works the other way too - for example, arguments over difficult co-parents aren't really anything I have experience of.

I think it would just be easier for people to find what they were actually looking for in separate categories.

what is your definition of lone and single?

I am a single parent

divorced
children with me 80% of the time

supportive ex and very amicable

There's no one word to cover absolutely all situations though. I'm a lone parent to two of my kids but am a single mum to one as shared care. I have a partner but still consider myself a single mum as he only comes here a few nights a week and has none of the responsibility of my kids.

I was a lone parent before I met my partner , my ex saw my dd roughly every 4 months for a couple of hours , he stopped seeing her altogether when she was 5 .

Lone parent doing it alone.

Single parent co-parenting or with support.

@TotallyFloored yes agree they come with very different stresses. I became acutely aware of this when a work colleague was co-parenting and had different issues but a lot more free time. But often argued and had the issues which came from that.

I don’t have that and was often grateful although she is quite dramatic, but I never had time to myself, but then I think I was in a better position than someone unhappily married.

I'm a lone parent. Ex husband abandoned DS. I have brought him up entirely alone. It is different from being a single parent and having EOW. I don't ever have a weekend nor am I able to go out. It is what it is.

I think lots of people don’t understand the difference.

The board isn’t very well used as it is before dividing it further.

where do stop stop though

single parent without family support
single parent with family support
lone parent without family support
single parent with family support
high earning single parent
low earning single parent
high earning lone parent

i could go on and on

I'd never really thought about the definition.

For example, I always supposed that single meant single. No new partner, not just ex partner. For example, my mother was a completely lone / single parent with me until she met and married my stepdad and he took on the role of my father. So two wages coming in, two people attending parents evenings, holidays as a family etc.

I split with my ex 11 years ago and have parented DD alone ever since. So single and lone parent (I.e. no other support from ex partner and no current partner either) We love alone just the two of us and do everything just the two of us, with just one wage and me doing all the parenting / parents evenings / holidays just the two of us.

FWIW I don't think there should be another category as such, but it's extremely difficult to compare situations with others who could have entirely different set ups.

This is probably why I've never posted in the lone parent topic. I just don't actually see many folk in my situation. Most that I know irl moved on and now have blended families and double incomes etc. (I can see a lot of stepdads picking up kids from my DDs class right now in fact)

I suppose I see the difference as a lone parent being just that - the only one. I have no support, financial or otherwise from my kids’ father.

I have friends who I consider single parents ie divorced / separated and co-parenting. That comes with all sorts of issue I don’t have to deal with (thankfully).

There is also a step-parent board already to deal with blended family situations (if that’s the right word). Which again comes with issues I don’t have.

i just thought a dedicated board to those alone in this journey would be useful for me.

Lone parenting has some very different challenges to single parenting, main one being you never ever get a break. I am a lone widowed parent and haven't had a break from parenting in 11 years. Dating has never been an option for me. I work a lot of hours and everything else is left to me. If l don't do it who will ?

i get it op, im a lone parent as in i parent completely alone my ex isnt involved at all. of course thats very different from someone who co parents. i joined some fb groups for single parents but couldnt relate to any of the posts as pretty much all of them have an ex involved so just very different situations and issues i couldnt relate to. though i think as someone else said this board is very quiet and doesnt get much traffic at all so best just kept as it is. but yep lone parent who doesnt relate to single parents and often feel alone.

Just a thought . You could start a thread for support for Lp.

I am a Lp as my Ds dad was considered unsafe to be unsupervised with my Ds when he was 6 weeks old . Eventually dropped out his life . It feels different to someone who has been widowed . I made a shit judgement expecting him to be a decent dad.

My Ds also has additional needs , is a teenager so that’s another set of challenges .

i not sure any sort of sub category I would fit into 🫣🤔

There's to many grey areas.

Ex to my 2 youngest. Has then every other weekend. But he does no parenting. His mum does it all he's Disney dad. Kids do what they want. He does not know about their education. Has no understanding of his autistic son.

I'm a single mum to my other children father not around.

So am i a lone parent or a single parent

Not sure. It’s a hard one because things can change. I always saw lone and single as the same thing but it seems that they have a different definition to you.

I was a “single parent” that co parented for over 8 years. Then baby dad had a bad time and now I’m a lone parent that hasn’t seen or heard from him in over 5 years. Now I’ve met someone so I don’t know where I stand.

Im in a lone parent group in real life and honestly we are happy for those of us who have the children’s dads in their lives even just part time. Because we do have more to bond over than two parent families. Our challenges can be so similar.

Also those of us with family support. Are we lone parents too? Because friends of mine with access to this often have lots more freedom and support.

I'm a lone parent, no partner involved whatsoever, my mother supports me.

I used to call myself a single parent but as soon as a single parent queried why I didn't get cms , I realised we were a bit different.

Yes 👍

I’m a lone parent with sole parental responsibility and would love a thread to discuss stuff. It is different having kids 24/7.

Like maybe a doing it alone board? Tips on how to be in two different towns at the same time with two children would be great because rn I'm out of ideas and thats what I'm facing

Yes! I'm a solo parent (LOATHE the descriptor 'lone parent' - it makes my situation sound sad and lonely when I went into it eyes open and it's been the most healthy, joyful decision I've made).

'Single parent' as a term is outdated, pejorative, and covers any situation where there are not two married and cohabiting parents living together - so widows, solos, co-parents, even technically those who are together but not married fall under its umbrella but all have very different situations, and different needs for support.

I don't use the 'lone' parents board because often the most prevalent thread starters are those whose relationships have exploded with huge emotional fallout and there is a lot of anger between the ex-couple. There is nothing wrong with them posting, and I have a lot of sympathy for anyone in that situation with children, but those posts aren't relevant to me.

So yes, splitting out the boards for those who went into children with a partner who is no longer around, and those who never started out with a partner would be really useful.

Yeah

The trouble with solo parent is I've heard people in couples use that when the other parent is away, so "I'm solo parenting for the week" there was a thread about it on MN and a lot of posters said they would assume that solo parent meant you had a partner but they worked away etc

I understand what you mean, but I think it’s really complex. For example, I know of ‘lone parents’ who may not have support from their children’s dad, but get a lot of support from their own parents and family. They are arguably less alone than someone with a useless ex or a useless spouse/ partner.

I hate the term co-parent. Just because the DC have a father that sees them, we don't co-parent. I don't speak to my ex he is not welcome in my house and we communicate as little as possible via text for DC sake. I don't like how he parents and probably he doesn't like how I do it, although my parenting makes his life easier, whereas I find that he undermines a lot of boundaries that I have put in place, so DC take time to adjust behaviour wise when going between houses. At best he funds a pittance and gives me a break in order to lower his financial commitment, but that's as far as his parenting goes.
I do think lone parenting has its own issues so can understand the point raised, but equally as someone with no family support, no partner in my life and a dick of an ex, I can identify in parts with both single and lone camps but not always with single parents as there is such a variety of situations of single parents.

Yes, I agree with you and experience the exact same frustrations. A separate sole parent heading would solve the issue. And only for parents who have sole parental responsibilities - they have their kid/s 100% of the time and do not have a live in partner. Troll me all you like but it IS different.

I was a lone parent, my son didn’t have another parent and never had, it is very different to single parenting from the get go.