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Original poster

He wants toddler to have his surname too

80 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/03/2024 23:14

Hi all,
Standard advice here is 'make sure baby has your surname' I did that after ex left me just before baby was born.
Now 18 months later he has decided he wants to take me to court so that toddler has his name too. Does anyone have experience of this with a toddler? What was the result of court?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:01

LightDrizzle · 15/03/2024 00:00

You aren’t married I assume? Traditionally any children take your name. I can’t see a court upturning that, it would be bizarre.

No not married

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:03

@Wibblywobblylikejelly the safety rules are middle ground like make sure you have a decent car seat and make sure you dress him appropriately for the hot sun/snow etc, make sure dangerous pets are kept away from him when visiting homes - he doesn't like being told what to do and will clearly tell me to F off with this once he is on the birth certificate

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:06

@Wibblywobblylikejelly no but I don't think I could lie in court and say I've been sleeping around while with him and the baby looks so much like him it would be seen as a waste of time to claim there is any doubt

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 00:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:03

@Wibblywobblylikejelly the safety rules are middle ground like make sure you have a decent car seat and make sure you dress him appropriately for the hot sun/snow etc, make sure dangerous pets are kept away from him when visiting homes - he doesn't like being told what to do and will clearly tell me to F off with this once he is on the birth certificate

As long as the car seat meets UK legal requirements you won't have a say. For example you can't dictate type brand etc.

Unless proved negligent you won't be able to dictate clothing.

He will be assumed capable to judging pets.

He can. I would urge you to get a CAO so all know where you stand with who has the child when and limit communication.
This man is the father. As such there is going to be 18 years of this.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 15/03/2024 00:08

He needs to be reminded to keep dangerous animals away from your child!
Bloody hell, I think I would be ignoring his demands.
He sounds like a wanker.
I don’t think I would agree to him going on the birth certificate.
I don’t know about court costs but, think of all the absent fathers who claim they stopped trying to see the dcs because the court costs got too high. That tells you that your ex will be paying the costs, not you.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:09

@Wibblywobblylikejelly I know such a log. Road ahead ;-(!!! I guess the cao is what I'd like to avoid as any deviation is such a serious breach of the law, whereas if we can agree things out of court there should be more scope to change things if needed as our child grows up

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:10

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 15/03/2024 00:08

He needs to be reminded to keep dangerous animals away from your child!
Bloody hell, I think I would be ignoring his demands.
He sounds like a wanker.
I don’t think I would agree to him going on the birth certificate.
I don’t know about court costs but, think of all the absent fathers who claim they stopped trying to see the dcs because the court costs got too high. That tells you that your ex will be paying the costs, not you.

He is a wanker and he has hired someone even more of a wanker than him to send me letters 😩

OP posts:
Precipice · 15/03/2024 00:11

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:06

@Wibblywobblylikejelly no but I don't think I could lie in court and say I've been sleeping around while with him and the baby looks so much like him it would be seen as a waste of time to claim there is any doubt

You can't lie to the court and even if you did lie and the court believed you, it wouldn't do you any good as with the father in dispute and your ex claiming, they'd just order a paternity test.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 00:12

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:09

@Wibblywobblylikejelly I know such a log. Road ahead ;-(!!! I guess the cao is what I'd like to avoid as any deviation is such a serious breach of the law, whereas if we can agree things out of court there should be more scope to change things if needed as our child grows up

But you can do this with a CAO.
You just have it to rely on should it be needed.
You can deviate or alter the written order by mutual agreement.
Let him spend his money.
But also be smart or he could run circles around you.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 00:13

@Wibblywobblylikejelly running circles around me is all he's trying to do!

OP posts:
DoIdriveaVauxhallZafira · 15/03/2024 00:15

Charlotte Proudman is a lawyer who I'm sure would have a lot to say about him taking you to court over your child's name

BeeCucumber · 15/03/2024 00:38

Who is giving you advice?

donteatthedaisies0 · 15/03/2024 00:38

I really don't think he'll get the right to change the surname as previous poster said unmarried fathers have less rights than married .
Regarding putting him on the BC , if you know he is the father , I would relent on that you could be on a hiding to nothing .

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 00:40

donteatthedaisies0 · 15/03/2024 00:38

I really don't think he'll get the right to change the surname as previous poster said unmarried fathers have less rights than married .
Regarding putting him on the BC , if you know he is the father , I would relent on that you could be on a hiding to nothing .

He won't change it. The courts will order it.

No they don't. When he is named on the BC they will have equal parental responsibility. That means he will have the exact same rights and responsibilities as the OP. He could refuse to return the child and the OP would have to go to court for the child to be placed back in her care.

ChangedUserName13 · 15/03/2024 00:46

Costs are rarely awarded in family courts for applications / legal representation for the other party - so I wouldn't worry about having to pay his costs.

You also don't have to respond to him / whoever is representing him.

If he's proven to be the father / you say he's the father in court they will grant him parental responsibility and he can add himself to the birth certificate.

The courts may rule a double barrel surname; equally they may not.

Who has been advising you?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 01:15

ChangedUserName13 · 15/03/2024 00:46

Costs are rarely awarded in family courts for applications / legal representation for the other party - so I wouldn't worry about having to pay his costs.

You also don't have to respond to him / whoever is representing him.

If he's proven to be the father / you say he's the father in court they will grant him parental responsibility and he can add himself to the birth certificate.

The courts may rule a double barrel surname; equally they may not.

Who has been advising you?

A lawyer

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/03/2024 01:18

There are two separate issues here.

The Birth Certificate
if he is the father, he has a right to be on the birth certificate. The courts will add him if you won’t. Costly and annoying exercise for everyone involved.
A reminder - you can’t add him, he has to add himself with your consent. So bat it back to him and tell him that he needs to do the paperwork and you won’t object. He may or may not get around to doing the paperwork and sending it to you for your signature. Not your problem.
However, a word of warning, you should agree a Child Arrangement Order at the same time to confirm that you are the residential parent if nothing else. That will mean that the police can get involved if your ex doesn’t return your child in accordance with the arrangements. You could withhold your signature from the change of birth certificate forms until this has been to done.

The surname
Good on you for giving your child your name. One of the few things that is simultaneously modern and old fashioned. I’d stick to your guns on that. Let him take you to court if necessary. You can represent yourself as a litigant in person. Maybe it will go your way and maybe it won’t. It might not even get to court if you compromise on the birth certificate as he may give up.

viques · 15/03/2024 01:24

Advised by whom? Why should you keep the peace because someone who is so un invested in their own child that they pay minimal support , has no input into childcare, and has taken 18 months to decide that he want his parentage to be recognised by forcing you to put his name on a piece of paper.

Pieces of paper with names on don’t make very good fathers either , funnily enough.

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/03/2024 01:38

why is his surname more important than yours ? My children all have my surname despite their dad being on the BC .

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 07:07

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/03/2024 01:18

There are two separate issues here.

The Birth Certificate
if he is the father, he has a right to be on the birth certificate. The courts will add him if you won’t. Costly and annoying exercise for everyone involved.
A reminder - you can’t add him, he has to add himself with your consent. So bat it back to him and tell him that he needs to do the paperwork and you won’t object. He may or may not get around to doing the paperwork and sending it to you for your signature. Not your problem.
However, a word of warning, you should agree a Child Arrangement Order at the same time to confirm that you are the residential parent if nothing else. That will mean that the police can get involved if your ex doesn’t return your child in accordance with the arrangements. You could withhold your signature from the change of birth certificate forms until this has been to done.

The surname
Good on you for giving your child your name. One of the few things that is simultaneously modern and old fashioned. I’d stick to your guns on that. Let him take you to court if necessary. You can represent yourself as a litigant in person. Maybe it will go your way and maybe it won’t. It might not even get to court if you compromise on the birth certificate as he may give up.

This is incorrect.
If he has applied for a declaration of parentage and a change of name then the OP can't then demand a CAO. She would have to complete a C100 for that. It's a separate matter.

Also she absolutly can't hold the declaration of parentage as a bargaining chip if it is ordered by the court. At that point she has lost control. It will be done and if she doesn't comply there can be consequences from the court.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/03/2024 07:51

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 07:07

This is incorrect.
If he has applied for a declaration of parentage and a change of name then the OP can't then demand a CAO. She would have to complete a C100 for that. It's a separate matter.

Also she absolutly can't hold the declaration of parentage as a bargaining chip if it is ordered by the court. At that point she has lost control. It will be done and if she doesn't comply there can be consequences from the court.

Show quote history

I agree with you but it sounds like it hasn’t got to court yet and is still at the stage of solicitor’s letters. The ex may be amenable to saving court fees. (But he sounds like a dick so he might not).

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2024 08:49

@DifficultBloodyWoman he is a dick indeed and gets off on pedantry. The lawyer he had hired is even ruder and nastier than him 🤣

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 15/03/2024 09:15

Also police will not return a child if a CAO is broken. This can only be enforced via the courts.

sashh · 15/03/2024 09:18

It looks like he would need your permission to change the name.

Also why does he want the change? Can he really state it is for the child's benefit.

So even if he does go to court, his name is added to the BC and manages to convince a judge to change the name you can still use, "known as X"

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/changing-a-childs-surname/

Changing a child's surname - childlawadvice.org.uk

This information page will explain the process of changing a child's name via a deed poll. This includes the requirement to obtain consent and the options available if consent is not forthcoming. What is a deed poll?  A deed poll is a legal document th...

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/changing-a-childs-surname

spidermonkeys · 15/03/2024 09:23

I imagine the court will add him to the BC and double barrel the name.

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