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Really need your advice

85 replies

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 00:16

Exp has made a suggestion:

His gf (who he left us for) has a full time live in nanny for her school-going child ( I know!). He has suggested that our child is also cared for by the nanny in gf's home. (Ex will be moving in there soon)

Reasons he put forward for this are:

  • it will save money ( not much tbh)
  • it will be more stable for DD
  • he will get to see DD more (he already has her twice a week as it is)
  • there wont be any rushing on my part to get hime from work like I currently do/less stress etc. (this is true, its a mega strain)

My gut instinct was to say no, so I did. Reasons for this are:
  • she is happy with current childminder, although has only been there 2 months, so wouldn't be too upset by change I guess.

-it will be like my DD lives there, and spends evenings with me. I will be like the non-resident parent
-I'm afraid my DD will become very attached to them, being there all day every day, plus 2 nights per week, and so forget me
  • he is a controlling person. It feels like they are trying to shove me out of the picture
  • Something doesn't feel right about letting ow's nanny look after my child.

There are a few tempting reasons why the arrangent would be good- namely the benefit of having no time restrictions on me for when she needs to be collected, and it would save (some) money.

What do you think? Would it be more stable for my child? I want to do whatever is right for her, regardless of whether I actually like it or not. My reasons have to be valid ifyswim.

Need advice big time.
OP posts:
gillybean2 · 24/03/2008 17:57

If you do this arrangement (and I'm glad you said no) then do not under any circumstances allow him to pay the nanny instead of giving you maintenance. The contract with the nanny should be with you and you should pay her. Otherwise the contract is with your ex and he pays her and you don't have any say in what is agreed between them.

Given that you need a flexible arrangement with your ex and he is willing to accomodate that then yes, rocking the boat un-necessarily is best avoided. Stick to your childminder, and look again at the WTC & CTC situation, you'd have to be earning quite a lot to not be entitled to anything at all. If things don't work out with this childminder then think about getting an aupair or your own nanny.

As to the sister of teh OW, it sounds really odd to me. If she's qualified as a childminder then that is different to a nanny, a childminder needs to be registered, have insurance, charges per child and works from their own home. A nanny goes to the person home and usually charges a fixed amount regalrless of how many children there are, hence cheaper if you have more children. Seems to be some bluring of the lines with her living at the sister house. Someone who lives in and doesn't pay rent is more of an au pair. SO what is she actually?

Sounds like your ex wants to pay the nany rather than give you maintenance, and then they probably charge her rent for living there. So he's going to be better off in all likelyhood!

Keep your time and ex's time seperate. Don't blur the lines by using the sister of the new partner like this for child care. Ignore the other concerns, this is enough of a concern, the rest of it doesn't need to come into it at all.


pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 19:35

Thank you all loads for your input.

Gilly, you're absolutely right that there seems to be some confusion as to how the nanny will be paid. He hasn;t ever been awkward about paying maintanence, but as DD is still so tiny- that could change at any moment. He is notoriously tight with money and there may well be some sinister financial motive behind his offer.

I don't earn a husge amount of money,( I'm a teacher) but was told by the tax credits people that from April, I'd be entitled only to the minimum amount of CTC that are available to most people earning less than 58k per year. I think my entitlement will be set at basic rate of around £40 per month. This is worrying, as I said earlier, but I will look into the chilcare voucher scheme. I'm hoping that will help the shortfall a bit. At the moment, things don't seem too bad at all, because I am recieving some CTC, but thats due to stop next month.

I think for me, one of the most poignant comments made on this thread, is that I will not be the nannys employer- but the ow will. And she is a woman who had no respect for me, my life, my feelings. It was a stupid idea to even consider it.

OP posts:
pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 19:37

Also- if I got an au pair- aren;t they only allowed to work 5 hours per day? I'm out from 7.30-5.30, so it wouldn't work. No way could I ever afford a nanny. My childminder is underpaid as it is.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 24/03/2008 19:41

someone will pop along who can clarify the Au-Pair hours for you. How are you doing?you have had a lot on your plate

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 19:47

I'm good thanks SM. Thanks also for reply on some of my potty threads. I have had a lot on, most of it inside my head. Ex has made the decision to move in with gf, and since then, things seem to ahve snowballed, bith in terms of how much contact he wants and now this.

I want to be able to get on with my life- and for the most part- thats what I'm doing. I'm pretty much forgetting about ex, I'm back at work, I'm getting back on the property market, have started socialising again, (even having a little bit of a romantic distraction ) and I feel happier that I have done in a long time. Yet he manages to throw me every few weeks, does or says something that will have me careering towards the start line again, and I really dispise him for it. I wish I could wipe him out of my life- because the idea that this is how it will be for the rest of my life makes me feel ill.

OP posts:
pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 19:48

more typos, sorry!

OP posts:
snotbuster · 24/03/2008 19:48

I thought au pairs weren't supposed to do full-time child care or look after babies? I'm referring to situation with OW's sister being the 'nanny'. Have skim-read this but agree with other posters - sounds like XP and OW are getting this woman to do childcare in lieu of rent - that may be ok if she's just taking/fetching the older child from school but doesn't sound at all appropriate for her to have your DD full time especially if she doesn't have childcare qualifications. Dodgy offer all round I say. Well done for saying no.

tania111 · 24/03/2008 22:46

No way! he left you to bring up a baby on your own and your are and are coping well. If you do this, he will try to get full custody. Your child will do well with you being the prime carer and this should remain. It may be practical but does not feel right at all.

Heated · 24/03/2008 23:16

Perhaps phone the Lone Parent Helpline/ Gingerbread - 0800 018 5026 (freephone )for advice on maintenance, benefits and other money matters to check you are getting all you are entitled to.

The childcare voucher scheme takes upto £243 a month off your salary and pays direct to any registered CM or nursery, but it isn't taxed so saving about £1200 a yr. You need to ask your school's personnel which provider they are registered with e.g. Accor, BuzyBees etc.

FWIW, I'm glad you've decided not to use the OW's nanny. Going back to work makes you cherish the time you do get with the dcs anyway

SamandLula · 25/03/2008 20:51

If your instincts say no, DONT DO IT!! Sounds a bit dodgy, you are probably right about them trying to push youout and it Will be unsettling for LO having there as 'home' all day then coming to another home at night. Stick with your guns, girl, Mummy knows best! xxx

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