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Really need your advice

85 replies

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 00:16

Exp has made a suggestion:

His gf (who he left us for) has a full time live in nanny for her school-going child ( I know!). He has suggested that our child is also cared for by the nanny in gf's home. (Ex will be moving in there soon)

Reasons he put forward for this are:

  • it will save money ( not much tbh)
  • it will be more stable for DD
  • he will get to see DD more (he already has her twice a week as it is)
  • there wont be any rushing on my part to get hime from work like I currently do/less stress etc. (this is true, its a mega strain)

My gut instinct was to say no, so I did. Reasons for this are:
  • she is happy with current childminder, although has only been there 2 months, so wouldn't be too upset by change I guess.

-it will be like my DD lives there, and spends evenings with me. I will be like the non-resident parent
-I'm afraid my DD will become very attached to them, being there all day every day, plus 2 nights per week, and so forget me
  • he is a controlling person. It feels like they are trying to shove me out of the picture
  • Something doesn't feel right about letting ow's nanny look after my child.

There are a few tempting reasons why the arrangent would be good- namely the benefit of having no time restrictions on me for when she needs to be collected, and it would save (some) money.

What do you think? Would it be more stable for my child? I want to do whatever is right for her, regardless of whether I actually like it or not. My reasons have to be valid ifyswim.

Need advice big time.
OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 24/03/2008 00:24

How old is your DD? If she's over 4 I'd say ask her and see what she thinks?

Have you thought about arranging for this to happen maybe two days a week?

birky · 24/03/2008 00:24

You say something doesn't feel right about letting the nanny look after your child and that your gut instinct told you to say no. I'd stick with your gut instinct, it's there for a reason

choosyfloosy · 24/03/2008 00:30

Oh dear. I have to say this sounds to me like quite a good option. Provided you get a major say in who is employed as the nanny, are on the interview panel etc. I also like the sound of the children being together a lot.

What does your dd think about it?

KerryMum · 24/03/2008 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windygalestoday · 24/03/2008 00:43

theoretically it sounds ideal a bit too ideal for my liking ......if i was the ow ,spit#> i dont think id like sharing my nanny ......its all a bit too mary poppinsy-

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 00:45

dd is only 9mo. He left when she was 7wks

OP posts:
UpsyDaisyOne · 24/03/2008 00:46

I think I would agree that if you don't feel comfortable you should say no. The issue for me would be that you won't necessarily have control- if you don't like something the nanny does will you feel like you can say so the way you can with your childminder?

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 00:47

The nanny is already employed- its actually the ow's sister. I wouldn't have a say in her employment in that case, as she is already looking after ow's child ( her nephew).
I don't know what to do. I'd be terrified of the implications, what it would mean for my relationship with DD. I accept that there are many practical issues that would be solved in this arrangment. But at what price?

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 24/03/2008 00:48


well. the thing is, that i do think the biggest potential nice thing about this is the establishment of a close friendship between the two children.

but a lot depends on the nanny and whether you are happy with them, also what happens if you are not happy for any reason with the nanny's care.

davidtennantsmistress · 24/03/2008 00:48

honestly nope I wouldn't do it, it would be far far too cosy for me. i'd be worried about the exact reasons you are.

scottishmummy · 24/03/2008 00:51

nope - keep distance between you, him, OW and potential nanny.

in all other aspects do you get along?have close contact as a ex, OW and you?

why would you share childcare with ex and twinky he left you for?

if they pay do they call the shots?

imo avoid this

madamez · 24/03/2008 00:51

Hmm, while it has its advantages, if your instinct is that he is trying to push you out of the picture, then you need to be very careful. Is your agreement with your XP about how much time he spends with his DD one that was legally arranged (ie through court/in writing?) Because if not, you maybe need to have it clarified that you are the custodial/residential parent and while he is entitled to access etc, your DD lives with you. Because it does sound (as KM suggests) that he might be trying to get custody-by-stealth.

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 00:56

Custody by stealth? What does that mean?

No, there isn't any formal arrangement with the couts re access. We simply agreed that he would have her 2 nights a week. One night he simply picks her up from the cm, and drops her back next morn, while the other day (at wkend) he has her for a full 24hrs.

We are pretty flexible, try to work each other, although his interest in DD has increased 10 fold with his interest in OW.

OP posts:
RosaIsRed · 24/03/2008 01:00

It sounds like a sensible arrangement, but I know I would be reluctant to agree to it myself for the same reasons that you have misgivings about it. Especially as the nanny is the OW's sister. Thin end of the wedge IMO. How set on it is your ex?

scottishmummy · 24/03/2008 01:02

precedents set eg aceess, time spent with dad could be cited as reason for further or increased access etc

pinguthepenguin · 24/03/2008 01:03

Ex really keen. He is now accusing me of being awkward/obstructive/closed to ideas that will help me.

OP posts:
windygalestoday · 24/03/2008 01:10

i think with added thought since my last comment its deffo suspicious and id say no

scottishmummy · 24/03/2008 01:10

what do you want?he left he cant call the shots or manipulate your decisions. you need to talk to other people, some impartial advice.maybe legal overview

was he you husband?
does he have a formal parenting agreement

Look at this page

choosyfloosy · 24/03/2008 01:10

"his interest in DD has increased 10 fold with his interest in OW"

that's horrible to experience but it sounds like a really good thing for your DD.

Have you met the sister?

ChocolateRockingHorse · 24/03/2008 01:11

No no noooooo... I'd run far away from this arrangement however practical it may sound.

madamez · 24/03/2008 01:16

Certainly before agreeing to anything you need to insist on meeting the nanny. and the OW, if you have not already met her. IF he's not keen to let you then he's definitely being unreasonable and may be up to something. What I mean by custody-by-stealth is that it is possible that he is trying to put you out of the picture: your DD starts spending most of her time at his house and the next thing is him in court going, well the child is practically living with me anyway so I want custody.
It's good that he wants to see his DD, and good for her to spend time with a child who is a step-sibling, but not if the price is reducing contact with her mother.

shelleylou · 24/03/2008 01:19

Id run too. I think what you might save in money you may wellpay for in heartache. as a previous poster said custody by stealth. With him having more time with you dd he could change any maintenace agreement that you may have in place. It really does sound like dangerous waters to me.


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HansieMom · 24/03/2008 02:14

Is this the fellow who liked to tell you how to take care of your baby, when baby was about six months old? Info he picked up from Other Woman? I didn't trust him then, and trust him even less now.

Also I didn't think a six month old baby needed to go stay overnight at Dad's house at all. Not one night a week, not two nights a week.

And didn't he tell you to dress her in certain outfits for when he came to get her?

elkiedee · 24/03/2008 08:38

I think you're right to be really unhappy about the suggestion - particularly with the childcare taking place at her dad's new home and the fact that the carer is the sister of the woman he left you for. And you say it wouldn't save you that much money and that your daughter's happy with her current childminder.

davidtennantsmistress · 24/03/2008 08:49

fresh eyes etc I can answer proeprly this morning.

i'm concerned on many levels the main one thou is this..

'- he is a controlling person. It feels like they are trying to shove me out of the picture'

this to me isa what he's doin - he's controlling and maniuplating it all, and I feel would eventually try to push you out of the equation.

'Ex really keen. He is now accusing me of being awkward/obstructive/closed to ideas that will help me.'

well of course he will do & be- if he's controlling and manipulative he will stop at nothing to get you to do what he wants and get his own way (believe me I know - X is the exact same)

"his interest in DD has increased 10 fold with his interest in OW"

whilst I don't disagree with floosy & the other posteers re the intrest etc is good for DD, and it's good for her to 'know' the otehr children who are around/with your x, I would be concerned about the fall out when/if X and her split up - ie what will happen to DD then will see she her dad as much? will the OW's sis still want to look after her?

as I said last night to me it's all too cosy. If I were you i'd arrange something formal. it sounds to me like he's trying to push you into this - and tbh I wouldn't have let my DS stay over with his dad at 9 months - I only do now as DS is in our house and I leave (and he's 2). I think your X will push and push tbh.

trust your instincts and you'll not go far wrong - us mums have them for a reason i'm sure. honestly thou don't be bullied into this. and ask yourself this, in the short term money wise you might save a few quid, but in the long term IF he tries to push for full 'custody' (which I suspect he prob will do) would you be OK with that?

As I say that's just my thoughts and i'm all for the dads/non resident parent seeing their child, but on the other hand you also have a say, this is your DD. so you have to protect her and make the decisions YOU feel are RIGHT for her, not ones your X wants so he and OW can play at being families.

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