Ex DH and I split up in Summer ‘22 when our twins were To cut a long story short he left the family home to go and sleep with a woman that he had met online and I caught him out. This was the second misdemeanour as I had caught him on an escort site 6 months previously when the twins were 6 weeks old but attempted to make things work because, I was desperate to keep our family together.
He left the family home and returned home to live with his family who live almost 2 hours away. I was left caring for two young babies whilst he set about dating women and prioritising living his single life whilst messing me about with money (I was on maternity leave with little to no income to pay bills and he had also taken our savings). He would often go weeks without seeing the children.
Last year the divorce finalised (I did all of this and paid for it), the family home sold (again I coordinated this) and me and the twins moved into our own home and I returned to work.
Through the divorce a maintenance order was granted meaning he pays a set amount to me per month towards the twins (no where near enough when I factor in childcare and clothes etc, but it is what it is)
The twins are now 2. The arrangement we have been at the past few months is that he takes them for one weekend (collects Friday and returns Sunday) and they stay with him at his parents.
However, he has been making noises the past couple of months that his parents cannot cope with the twins there so he frequently cancels or brings them home early/collects late.
To top it off, despite me asking him not to, I know of at least 3 separate women he has been with who have met the twins. I do not care if he is in a relationship but my concern is that the twins don’t see much of him as it is, and adding new people into the mix (who aren’t long term) is adding to their confusion.
He is a compulsive liar, to give some examples he has recently lied about being in hospital and also having a car crash as excuses to return the twins home early or collect them late. I know this to be true because one woman he was seeing messaged me on Facebook to say they’d been dating and he was acting shady. (I didn’t even know she existed until she messaged). She wanted to tell me that she had met the twins a number of times and confirmed all the lies he had told me to get out of seeing them. He then turned threatening and abusive towards her for messaging me.
I’m noticing more and more the twins are becoming more needy and expressing seperation anxiety (If I so much as leave the room they start screaming “when is Mummy coming back?”) and they are more aware of routine and who is who…
It seems they are no longer welcome at their grandparents home and he’s making no progress to get a place of his own or live closer which means he is expecting me to let him see them in my home (he makes me incredibly anxious and I don’t want this) or he will offer to collect them at 10am, when I start work at 8:30am which means my work is disrupted. Then because he has nowhere to go with them he’ll only take them to soft play and McDonalds and when they return they are usually tired and upset because he then leaves again. Which I then have to deal with along with everything else.
He knows that when he cancels plans, I am unable to make plans for myself which means my social/dating life is zilch which I think is part of why he does this too.
I’ve reached the point where I believe his presence in their lives is confusing for them and soon enough his lies and inconsistencies will impact on them, if they haven’t already. And, dealing with him myself drives up my anxieties because he will bombard me with messages, lies and demands. I am constantly tired through looking after the twins (I have help from family, thank goodness), juggling a high pressure job and running the home. I’ve lost 7 stone in a year and a half and am frequently poorly because I’m just so run down. He knows this.
What would you do in this situation? Am I unreasonable to say he cannot see the twins until he has a home he can take them to? I never want to weaponise the children but how can he ever be a good role model or provide a safe place when it’s like this??