AIBU to cut children's father out?

[rosesandtulips4me]

Ex DH and I split up in Summer ‘22 when our twins were To cut a long story short he left the family home to go and sleep with a woman that he had met online and I caught him out. This was the second misdemeanour as I had caught him on an escort site 6 months previously when the twins were 6 weeks old but attempted to make things work because, I was desperate to keep our family together.

He left the family home and returned home to live with his family who live almost 2 hours away. I was left caring for two young babies whilst he set about dating women and prioritising living his single life whilst messing me about with money (I was on maternity leave with little to no income to pay bills and he had also taken our savings). He would often go weeks without seeing the children.

Last year the divorce finalised (I did all of this and paid for it), the family home sold (again I coordinated this) and me and the twins moved into our own home and I returned to work.

Through the divorce a maintenance order was granted meaning he pays a set amount to me per month towards the twins (no where near enough when I factor in childcare and clothes etc, but it is what it is)

The twins are now 2. The arrangement we have been at the past few months is that he takes them for one weekend (collects Friday and returns Sunday) and they stay with him at his parents.

However, he has been making noises the past couple of months that his parents cannot cope with the twins there so he frequently cancels or brings them home early/collects late.

To top it off, despite me asking him not to, I know of at least 3 separate women he has been with who have met the twins. I do not care if he is in a relationship but my concern is that the twins don’t see much of him as it is, and adding new people into the mix (who aren’t long term) is adding to their confusion.

He is a compulsive liar, to give some examples he has recently lied about being in hospital and also having a car crash as excuses to return the twins home early or collect them late. I know this to be true because one woman he was seeing messaged me on Facebook to say they’d been dating and he was acting shady. (I didn’t even know she existed until she messaged). She wanted to tell me that she had met the twins a number of times and confirmed all the lies he had told me to get out of seeing them. He then turned threatening and abusive towards her for messaging me.

I’m noticing more and more the twins are becoming more needy and expressing seperation anxiety (If I so much as leave the room they start screaming “when is Mummy coming back?”) and they are more aware of routine and who is who…

It seems they are no longer welcome at their grandparents home and he’s making no progress to get a place of his own or live closer which means he is expecting me to let him see them in my home (he makes me incredibly anxious and I don’t want this) or he will offer to collect them at 10am, when I start work at 8:30am which means my work is disrupted. Then because he has nowhere to go with them he’ll only take them to soft play and McDonalds and when they return they are usually tired and upset because he then leaves again. Which I then have to deal with along with everything else.

He knows that when he cancels plans, I am unable to make plans for myself which means my social/dating life is zilch which I think is part of why he does this too.

I’ve reached the point where I believe his presence in their lives is confusing for them and soon enough his lies and inconsistencies will impact on them, if they haven’t already. And, dealing with him myself drives up my anxieties because he will bombard me with messages, lies and demands. I am constantly tired through looking after the twins (I have help from family, thank goodness), juggling a high pressure job and running the home. I’ve lost 7 stone in a year and a half and am frequently poorly because I’m just so run down. He knows this.

What would you do in this situation? Am I unreasonable to say he cannot see the twins until he has a home he can take them to? I never want to weaponise the children but how can he ever be a good role model or provide a safe place when it’s like this??

*he takes them one weekend a fortnight (has been the arrangement I should have said)

You need to separate the hurt (and the past) from your mind set regarding him seeing the children. It's totally irrelevant the house, divorce etc etc.
As long as there aren't any genuine safeguarding issues it's irrelevant.
No you carn't just decide to cut him out of your child's life, he is their father, don't underestimate that. It's rubbish he hasn't sorted himself out anywhere decent to live, why don't you suggest he just sees the during the day?

He wouldn’t be taking my twins, OP.

I’m guessing if you tell him he doesn’t have to, he’ll take you up on it.

Have you had direct communication with grandparents about this? If he's lied about everything else, why believe him that that is the reason? I would confirm with them before further considering next steps. It would be a shame to deny them grandparent time and you a break if this is not actually coming from them.

I’d being doing a quiet quitting approach. Not seeking him out to organise visits.

Telling him if he isn’t there by 8/830 am then the children will have left the house so that they can be dropped at a friends house so you can work. By the sounds of things there isn’t much of a relationship and he will probably drop out of their lives soon but unfortunately you have to be the bigger person for your kids

This you can't get pregnant with someone and go 'I don't want you as a father anymore' it doesn't work that way

I don’t have any answers for you OP but I couldn’t scroll past without sending you some love. I feel for you. You sound like you are doing an incredible job in very difficult circumstances. Whatever the outcome, whatever people say never overlook the fact you have always been there for your twins and are doing the best you can for them. ❤️

I would stop facilitating his access to the twins. He is their father and you can't change that and you need to give him access opportunities but don't have him at your house, don't delay work because he's late. By the sounds of it he'll decide his children aren't worth the effort and slowly back out of their lives.

This post is a bit long and confusing. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons not to have the kids, while you’re wondering if you should stop letting him see the kids.

You could not bend to his demands and if things Peter off as a result fair enough.

You could stop access but he could take you to court

If you stop him from seeing kids how will they feel when they are older and find out what you did.

Generally it's considered better for children to have parents in their life than not (except where abuse is concerned ) you need to figure out if you're fed up for yourself or for your kids.

Sorry I appreciate the original post was a little long and confusing.

I'll try to clarify a little better...

Yes I have spoken to his parents, they have confirmed they struggle with the twins being there, though acknowledge I need a break and that their son should have sorted his life out by now so he has a place of his own. I know them well enough to know that when the twins are there they are loved and well cared for, even if there are tensions in the background. To be honest I only fully relax when I know they are there as opposed to when ex-DH takes them somewhere alone.

Ex-DH says he wants to see them and I believe loves the fun aspect of parenting, but he will frequently change plans which is always at my inconvenience. I guess my concern is less for now and more for down the line when the twins are more aware or when they have plans with him and he chooses to let them down, hence me saying should we end it all now? Also I don't agree with him introducing them to new women he's only known a matter of weeks and believe this too, will become more confusing as they get older.

I am making it more difficult for him to come into my home, it does prove challenging as two 2 year olds need a base... ie sometimes still have a midday nap and he won't take them to a restaurant for dinner so it'll be McDonald's in the back of his car if they eat with him, or the alternative is he brings them home early.

It's all such a mess and to pick up on the earlier point about conceiving with someone. We were together almost 15 years and I could never have envisaged him turning into the person he is today. Perhaps love is blind but it has shook me to the core and still having to deal with someone who has caused the pain he has, never gets any easier.

I think unfortunately it's best to continue but I would take total control of the situation.Not withholding access but making it safer and more consistent for your children.

I would offer a few hours one weekend a month (say 8 - 12) in a contact centre or soft play or something else. Where you drop them and pick them up (you could even stay) then that's it. If he's late he misses the contact, if he cancels he misses the contact. Could you potentially all go to the grandparents so you can offer them support and then they're not as overwhelmed and if they need a sleep they could have one.

The twins deserve the opportunity to see him, but they needed consistency and routine. By doing a few hours you can then take them home for food and a nap or something to bring them back to a place of comfort.

He is obviously entitled to see them, but you do need to safeguard them. It's not appropriate that he has introduced them to multiple women and the inconsistency in days and times affects them.

or he will offer to collect them at 10am, when I start work at 8:30am which means my work is disrupted. Then because he has nowhere to go with them he’ll only take them to soft play and McDonalds and when they return they are usually tired and upset because he then leaves again

If he is coming just for a day, then can you make it a day you aren’t working so it doesn’t interfere with that?

Make sure the CMS know he is only having them for one day and no overnights as well.

I get where your coming from with that. I was married for years and years. My children no longer see their father as their is a no contact order in place. With out saying too much, he's a homeless (rough sleeper) drug addict with a very unsteady personality. There is also a non Molestation order in place as his behaviour has been wild!
You carn't worry/pre empty what will happen in the future. I'm guessing you haven't been separated long, hopefully he will sort himself out. You need to put in some strong boundaries, eg if your not here to collect the children by 9am then we're getting on with our day etc etc.
Children are bound to be upset at times often during the hand over period, this unfortunately is normal.
Taking them to McDonald's is really not the worst thing in the world. Not having a bace is not ideal but something he will have to work around.
If he chooses to stop contact at a later point that's his choice. But you should make them available. As a parent who's children don't see their father for genuine safeguarding concerns, it's the best out come from a very bad situation. But it's still far from ideal for the children. It's very tough for children to not see a parent, please don't underestimate that.

He will only come at weekends as says he cannot take time off work, otherwise this could work.

So sorry to hear you and your children have been through all of this, it sounds unimaginably tough.

We have been separated 18 months so I'd have hoped he'd have sorted things out by now, but he seems to be moving backwards rather than forwards. But I do take on board your point that it's still better for the twins to see him, than to not at all.

Ah, do you work from 8.30 both Saturday and Sunday? What is your usual weekend childcare if he’s not having them?

Honestly I'd just go super rigid on the dates and times.

"The children will be ready for you to collect at 9am on the first Sunday of every month. If you aren't here by 9.30 I will assume you aren't coming and we will get on with our day. I'll be home that day by 5pm for you to drop them off - I will not be available any earlier, and I expect them to be home before 6pm"

Once a month, outside your home, set times, and he can either do it or not, and he may well just drop off himself but at least you offered.

There is a middle ground . Where do the kids go on work days if not collected by him .

The upset at him leaving wouldn’t worry me . it s normal just shows they care .

i would have set days . As others said if not here by …. Then you will miss contact . Is it possible he collects them from whoever looks after them normally when you work .

I also feel you are still very enmeshed in each others lives . Ignore all the irrelevant stuff that is not child connected . You can’t stop him introducing other women - the more you protest the more he will do it .

Also put the ball in his court . What will give the twins constant contact ? Some can be none negotiables like it won’t happen at my house .

I don't actually agree in the old "it's better they see him than not" - I don't think my twins get anything out of seeing their dad. At all. He's just some bloke they see every other week for an hour or two.

My twins aren't much older than yours. I'm doing the quiet quitting approach someone else mentioned. I don't seek him out to see them. He doesn't have overnights (shared house) and unless it suits me - like if I have to go to the shops - I don't allow him to spend time with them in my home. He's never asked for more time over the last 18 months until recently and I just said yes I'm sure you do now I've potty trained them and turning them into decent human beings you think it's easier so now you want to parent. I've said he won't be having extended time with them until he has his own home. He doesn't have parents he can take them to. And it's not appropriate to take them to a shared house IMO - so if he wants to prioritise spending his money on "fun" things rather than sorting a home out that's up to him. I'm not having my children exposed to that.

I can’t see anything in your posts to stop him seeing his children. However, I would leave all the onus and responsibility for arranging the times etc to him.

As difficult as it is, you don’t have any say over him introducing the children to anyone he deems fit. Separation anxiety is also very normal phases young children go through.

@rosesandtulips4me on no account do you allow him into your house to see the kids. I personally would not have even allowed him to know where I lived. If he is late collecting the twins, then you go out but dont inform him. then he will have a fruitless journey. same when he returns them, do not be available to take them back whenever he wants. just stay out the house. if you dont have a car, close all curtains and go to bed. make him wait.

Until he is able to provide them with a home, like a functioning grownup - it need only be a bedsit or one bed flat at this point - I'd just tell him he can see them from 2pm to 4pm on a Sunday until he is able to offer them a home.

He can take them to McDonalds and bring them back, that will probably suit him better and protects them from harm. Otherwise, he is a harmful disruption to their lives and causes more harm than good.

More work for you unfortunately, but someone that useless will disappear out of their lives completely unless you organise him, and give him no choices.

Sorry I wasn't clear, no I don't work weekends. I work a compressed week (5 day hours into 4 days) and my non working day is a Monday and he won't take Mondays off to see the twins.

Occasionally he will offer to pick them up on a Friday to take them back to his parents for the weekend but won't get here usually any earlier than 9:30-10 meaning I've already eaten into my work day. Also they have recently started going to nursery on Fridays for half days so I am loath to pay for hours that they miss.

Childcare wise the twins both do half days at nursery and my sister in law and Mum have them for the remainder of the time as I cannot afford full time nursery for them both until some free hours kick in.

Thankyou all for your comments.

Yeah cause that's what mothers do isnt it, just suddenly decide they dont want the father as a parent for their child anymore. Just willynilly like that, for no reason at all,

You idiot.