10 years of terrible bedtimes I am broken

[shakeitoffshakeacocktail]

I cannot cope anymore
In 6 hours my alarm is going to go off and I am going to spray her with cold water to wake her up, take her to breakfast club and tell her teacher I am at breaking point

She can go and live with her dad for a while I am one person who has been mentally tortured from trying to help this child sleep for 10 years

She was exhausted today, she told me all evening she was tired, we did all the evening routine and she would not fall asleep. Usually I would sit next to her on the floor and tickle her back but I am recovering from a leg operation.

I fell asleep before her in my room, she had her tv on a sleep timer to go off at 11pm

At 12.15 she woke me up to tell me she couldn't sleep. She hasn't been trying to, even though she was exhausted

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread so I might he repeating here but just 2 other things to try - a weighted blanket? And magnesium supplement. Look into it, magnesium is supposed to be great for sleep and a lot of kids are deficient.

I sympathise, my dd isn’t quite as bad but she really struggles with sleep. It’s very draining! I have had some luck recently with a magnesium body cream from BetterYou and Horlicks before bed.

I was a terrible sleeper as a child. It improved when I went to boarding school and was surrounded by noise and people all of the time, it started again whenever I was home in my own room. My mum blamed me for the hell I put her through, and didn't think beyond the immediate problem. As an adult Iv had a bit of therapy and it turns out the insomnia is / was anxiety. Could you ask the doctor for a referral for some therapy?

https://mightykidssupplements.co.uk/product/magnesium/

Read the reviews for this, sounds positive. I’m going to try it.

My friend had a terrible time for years with bedtime taking hours with her DS and eventually she broke down at the doctors one day. Her DS said to her ‘my brain just won’t stop.’

Her DS has been referred for an ADHD & ASD assessment (as this is just one of many behaviours etc) but her GP told her to buy Kids Melatonin from Piping Rock (US site). She says the difference at bedtime is unbelievable and is quite angry that this wasn’t mentioned earlier by all the various professional involved with DS.

I see that you have a GP appointment and it could also be worth having a meeting with the school Senco.

It's sounds like you have tried many things so I don't want to patronise you with ideas...the only thing I thought is to totally take the pressure off in terms of sleeping. So you don't have to go to sleep but you do have to rest. I also wondered about sn... because even if she can't sleep she is at least old enough to lie there quietly and not disturb you.

I didn't say she had a disorder. The sleep disorder service covers support for parents and patients with a whole host of sleep related problems including but not limited to counselling, medication and sign posting /referrals to other services which may be of help such as autism assessments. I have worked for a paediatric clinical psychology team, and some of our psychologists work with this team. It's an invaluable service which in my area we are very fortunate to have.

Yes.... wtf.

How can you be in any confused as to why someone is shouting hateful speech at you when you used to physically assault her regularly. Beggars belief

Reading back through your posts you sound like you're bullying her. The way you talk to her and treat her and a history of smacking. All sounds borderline abusive. I would look closer to home as to why she isn't sleeping.

I've got ADHD and my body clock has always been out of whack.

ADHD is a disability not a choice. If she needs medication she should have it, I'm trying not to be mean - but you don't want her to put pills into her body (obviously if she is diagnosed & they are prescribed) but you would send her to her Dads and spray cold water on her to wake her?
You aren't thinking clearly, and I completely sympathise (I'm a solo parent) but please reach out for help for both your sakes

Thanks all, I would love to take the pressure off and say, just stay in your room, the problem is that if she's alone she would need stimulus. She absolutely would not be alone in a dark quiet room. Even alone in a dark room with audio book or calm sounds, she would find a reason to call out to me or 'need' something. She wouldn't want it dark either, and she really wouldn't want to be alone.

She's never really played by herself, the only time I've ever been able to leave her to occupy herself for an hour was playing with slime and watching tv when she was younger and now she plays Roblox or is on her phone.

Also she is 10 but 11 in a couple of months and off to secondary in September. So not a 'young' 10 if that makes sense.

I think it's more likely anxiety/ separation anxiety (this is obvious at other times in our lives) and not being able to 'switch off'

She fell asleep in my bed tonight at 11pm audio book, me tickling her back

She talks almost constantly despite me trying not to engage, if I tell her it's no talking now she'll say ' just this one thing' and keep saying that or get angry that I won't let her talk. Most night the very last thing she says to me is 'it's just not working I can't sleep, I'm not tired' before falling asleep!

This is a child with ADHD.

Stop pandering to her by tickling her back and all that shit

It sounds tough. As an insomnia sufferer I remember a Dr telling me that as long as you're lying still and relaxing then you're getting.adequate rest and not to worry if sleep doesn't come. That one thing has helped more than any other recommendations I've tried over the years. Could you tell her that it doesn't matter if she doesn't sleep but she must rest her body quietly with no talking or stimulus at all.

I think you're right she's very very anxious. Talking is a big sign of anxiety. I'd strongly recommend therapy for both of you at this point. I wish my mum had done it for me when I was unable to sleep as a child. It sounds like you've been very supportive but do look after yourself as well.

Firstly, please don’t spray her with water 😧🤨

secondly- I also really struggle to sleep if I’m just lying in the dark with my thoughts. TV probably isn’t good but how about some twinkly fairy lights and telling her she can read as much as she wants to? Reading always makes me so sleepy. You could read one book together with a nice hot drink, then you just go to bed. Alternatively maybe even an audio book or something like that. I really feel for her, it’s a horrible feeling not being able to sleep.

So I think it's clear that there are deeper issues than just the bedtimes. The bedtimes are just a symptom.

It might be worth looking into strategies to help children who are anxious and try to find some support groups.

There's obviously a lot going on here.

I remember being like this..

I had a nightlight, a aroma therapy diffuser. (Like created a calm space) i never had my door shut (anxiety maybe back then?)

Other then that by 8 or 9 years old, i was just left. No tv nothing, night time no one was to be distrurbed, no noise ect. (Plus you wouldnt want to wake my mum up) if i woke my dad he would just take me back to my bed and walk out.

I remember how boring nights were just lying there in silence till the sun came up 😅

Too long ago to remember how i kicked up but i just remember the tail end. Just some nights no sleep laying for hours in silence and others i would eventually nod off. I do remember kicking off out of frustration, throwing things, trashing room once or twice. But i dont think i had any response from them, just a telling to shut up, night time no noise then they would leave me. I would then have to clean it up next day.

They just made the rules, same thing, never deviated and then refused to engage till 8am.

Sounds very ADHD. My son is the same. Has to have noise (audio books) because needs a form of white noise but still comes out and gets anxious and stressed about going to sleep. Now is prescribed melatonin which helps a little but not a complete fix. His brain is just always on the go.

The following link has some apps and resources you could try.

drive.google.com/file/d/13x80OpOsemnS4nLKlNmV7XtzF1f9whol/view

O my I feel for you. I have two children the same age as your daughter, they don't settle easily either. I used to get so wound up and irritated by it.
The only thing I've really found to help is to disengage! I send them to their rooms, they get into bed. If they carn't sleep then they read a book. Even if they end up having the light on half the night while they read I just don't ingage.
It sounds to me that she very much replies on you to help her settle, that this has created a second issue on top of the not sleeping.
You need your sleep, esp as a single parent you have to be able to function. It also sounds as if it's having a big impact on your mental health.
I think you need to disengage from it and let her start to settle herself, even if she's tired the next day, that's a natural consequence.