Teenage girls... struggling

[LydiaRebecca14]

Hello. Don't know why I'm here
Im a single mum to 2 teenage girls. 13 & 14.

They were lovely when little. 2 little princesses. My best friends.
Now... I just don't know them.
Anything I say they roll their eyes at me and huff.

I've done everything for them on my own. Always have done. And in return they tell me how much of a bad mum I am when I have to give them the pep talks on attitude and respect.

I've looked through my 14 year olds phone tonight and she's boy mad. I've sat and cried!!

I'm very strict in a protective way. If they go out with friends I call them every 15 mins to check them etc. I protect them with all my might.

I work full time, I'm a mum of 3. I'm a house wife. A cook. A nurse. The whole lot. You know the drill!!!

Today I could bang my head in a brick wall. They listen to absolutely nothing. They're breaking my heart.
I wonder where my little team went :(

We've always been so so close, as soon as the periods started everything changed

Does it get better? Does anyone else feel so alone with teenagers. My hearts breaking x

If they go out with friends I call them every 15 mins to check them etc. I protect them with all my might.

Well stop doing that for a start. They know your number. They'll call you if they need you.

Charming. Why so aggressive? You asked for advice. You don’t have to take it but there’s no need for this attitude.

You’re not coming over very well here. Very overprotective, and aggressive to other posters.

My daughters 13 and I don’t call her every 15 mins that’s ridiculous. You need to build some trust into this relationship.

You asked if it gets better, experienced people have given you some very good advice on how it can get better. Otherwise it's only going to get worse, so you crack on, because with your attitude and behaviour you're going to lose those girls before they've even finished school.

OP - I hear that you want the absolute best for your girls and you have sacrificed much for this. So why do you think they are disrespecting you? Are there positive aspects of your relationship with them?

I think they'll lose me first cus there no point me being here
Take care

Are you in UK? or USA?
I am wondering from your description of your area if we have a bit of a cultural issue here?

In UK calling a teen every 15 min would not be normal or really needed. Which is why people are a little shocked.

I take it this is directed at me. I love my child very much and I want her to develop confidence and independence.

Phoning your daughters every 15 minutes doesn't prove you to be maternal. Your most recent posts make you sound utterly unhinged and I'm not at all surprised your children are distancing themselves.

You sound quite erratic and aggressive. If you are like this to your teens I think you have your answer as to why they are pulling away sorry.

They do this anyway naturally though to be fair whatever you do. I do feel for you it’s a difficult age when you have to let them out with friends. Must be even tougher in a bad neighbourhood. It’s worrying enough in a nice area.

Wow!

They are teenagers. You need to start doing less for them. Introduce them to the washing machine & the dish washer. Each of them to cook once a week. Give them some responsibility.

Check on them less often too, acknowledging that they are growing up and must start to take responsibility for themselves. Every 15 mins is overkill. Drop it to once an hour and see how it goes.

Have a blunt chat with them about the dangers, and what to do if anything happens. Talk through drugs, money, the dangers of boys in cars, online bullying, revenge porn, how to protect themselves etc, and explain that no matter what happens you won't be shocked, they can tell you anything.

Then loosen the leash. They won't grow up if you keep treating them like toddlers.

I live in the bronx of the UK.
My street is full of heroin and needles to give you a slight insight.
I've walked down my own street and got robbed my self. In front of the kids. Honestly you guys have no idea about the real world.
The boys are very sexualised in the area to the point the school even gives out warnings etc.

I had to move to this area for safety away from a domestic violence man by the police who is my son's dad.

I've had a very very hard life. Very hard. You wouldn't bileave. And bileave me I've had to talk myself into staying on this earth many times. I'm crippled inside.

So before people say ringing my girls is too much. You haven't lived our life or where we live etc etc.

And the comments saying I'll lose my girls has tipped me over the edge so well done to you lot. I've already lost everything but them.
So if they hate me I'll just end it shall I

Thanks again.
Please don't post again

Op in the kindest way, I think you need some help and support. All this talk of leaving th earth isn’t normal. I really hope you’re ok.

OP do you ever talk like that to your daughters about suicide?

Either way I agree with the PP, it really does sound like you need some support here. Have you spoken to your GP

OP, some of the comments have been a bit blunt, so sorry about that.

Try looking at it from your dds' point of view. Teens want to fit in, they want to feel like they are growing up. They want to test their own abilities. That's what growing up is all about.

If you try to control too much, your love will start to feel like a leash. They will naturally pull against it. Cue the eye rolling and secrecy.

The trick is to loosen your hold gradually. Enough to give them increasing freedom so they can develop their own survival skills, but not so far that they are unprotected.

Hormones are running wild too so it's completely normal that your dd is interested in boys. Why not suggest you have a couple of days open house over the Christmas break, then at least you get to see who she is mixing with and judge for yourself. Offer pizza and chillout time (with you still in the house).

The transition to aduthhood can be difficult, it's a balance. Keep talking to them. Listen to what they would like to do, and compromise.

@LydiaRebecca14 teenage girls are really tough to parent- really tough. With mine I have found that they start to become more reasonable when they get to 18. They can bring you to your knees.
the eye rolling and telling you you are a crap mum is very normal/ horrible, but normal.
calling every 15 minutes will push them away. They will leave you emotionally for a few years because teenagers NEED to do that to gain independence and to become adults. They will come back eventually. We all did the same.

The awful truth is the phone calls won’t protect them and you have to let them out. Have you talked frankly and calmly to them about the dangers? We found using a collaborative non blame type attitude works with our teens - right we all have this issue how do we work it out? Listen to what they have to say. Ranting and dramatising at them won’t work.

Dh is paid a fortune by clients to deal with their disagreements so I follow him on this!

It sounds like you are living in a really rough area with no option to move and I think that sounds really hard. I too would be terrified of letting my children out and to be exposed to drug dealers and criminals. It's easy for us to judge and call you overprotective when we don't live in such a dangerous place. However, you have also been unnecessarily rude and aggressive to people here who have quite rightly pointed out that they way you are trying to protect them is going to drive them away and drive them to secrecy which is exactly what you are trying to avoid.

You’re projecting all your fears and worries onto them.

It does sound like a very rough area though and your concern is normal.

Its also normal for all children as they grow older to grow away from their parents.

Their identities are no longer formed in their minds by what their parents think of them. It starts to transfer to their peers.

This is normal and it begins the process of readying them for adult life.

Yes when their teens as a mum you become public enemy number one but it won’t last.

Give them a bit longer. They’ll come round by 17 or 18 as they’ll have grown up a bit more.

You sound like you’re doing your absolute best.

For all of you though, if you could manage it, I’d suggest you apply for a job well away from where you are and start a new life somewhere else.

It causes you great anxiety and that’s transferring onto your girls.

Sorry you have been upset at some messages OP.

I have a 17yr old and a 12yr old daughter. My daughter and I can struggle at times but it is getting better. I have to accept she is not me. I got pregnant at 16 but that doesn't mean she will. I can't project that onto her.

I have life 360 so I can check in, but I definitely only want a response every few hours. If walking home then I would pick them up if dodgy or chat on way home on phone.

I do think 15 mins is too much for a call but maybe you could reason with them to text you instead to start with?

I'm not having a go at all. I get it. I worry about mine SO much.

I think you should make an appointment to your GP and talk about your anxiety ,depression and suicidal ideation. This is not a sustainable way to live and it's likely it's affecting your relationship with your daughters too. You deserve better than this internal mental struggle daily. Ask for help.

I say all this as someone who does get it. I live in a similar area and my past is riddled with abuse of all kinds from all kinds of people. Am I terrified inside? Yes. But I also know the more I try to keep her close the more I'll push DD away. Your attempts at keeping them safe are backfiring and tbh, rather pointless as whatever you fear , can happen in 15 minutes too.