How do you cope when your 5 year old tells you all day long she hates you?

[Courtnightmares]

That's it really. At the end of my tether.

How do you react when she tells you? She doesn’t hate you, my bet is she gets attention when she says it.

Most days let it go over my head but today its been constant. Ashamed to say I shouted and then burst into tears.

I feel bullied by her at the moment.

I would just keep calm and say well great that means I don't have to buy you anything for xmas. I wouldn't put up with that nonsense from a 5 year old.

Several things -

1. don’t be so unkind
2. sit here (naughty step) and think about being kind
3. repeat

Why is she saying it? I have a 6 year old and older kids and none of them say anything like that. Just wondering where it’s coming from?

What’s going on in her life that she says this?

Ok. Just read another of your recent threads. You are separated from her father who physically and emotionally abused her and she sees him in a contact centre.
Is she having support/counselling/ play therapy to help her deal with all of the trauma?

The background basically is she's seen her father for 3 years in a contact centre. We had to leave because of domestic abuse. She's seen and witnessed a lot.

Anyway, progressively her behaviour is getting worse and worse towards me, she's fine towards him but the melt down, tantrums, verbal aggression, physical aggression towards me is awful.

I don't actually know if she wants me and if she wants to live with him, she never mentions him..

I've only just been able to access counselling for her, she will be starting that in January at school. But I honestly just feel at the end of it all.

I'm usually very strong but today has broken me.

You know that she doesn't actually hate you, it's just her current go to response when she's not happy at whatever you've asked her to do. You can't take her seriously, surely, because it's just absurd.

I'd just respond every time with mild "oh that's a shame because I love you" and then move on.

Cross post,
She feels safe with you. Maybe her behaviour towards you is actually meant for him but she cannot express it to him.

Depends to some extent on why she’s saying it. I would respond to the odd instance of this with “that’s a shame I love you” but if it’s every day I think you need to tackle it.

I’d probably ask her why she’s saying that to you and then say (depending on response) you are not to speak to me like that and if you say that to me again then x will happen (time out, no tv etc) and be really consistent about consequences every time.

My 5 year old tells me I'm the worst mummy in the world if anything goes wrong with his games or he doesn't want to do something. We both know they don't mean it but some days it's really hard to be the grown up and let it go over your head.

Just posting to say I understand

Sorry cross posted before I’d seen the background. I think this might what’s happening

All behaviour is communication and she doesn't have the nuanced vocabulary yet o express how she is feeling. She doesn't hate you, she loves you and feels safe with you, however she probably also feels confused and lacking control in other areas of her life particularly regarding contact and her dad. She is good for him as he is temperamental and doesn't have her trust to be there for her unconditionally like you will.

What I would say is "Oh, that's a shame because I love you...shall we go play with the play Doh/Lego/ bake a cake? And distract her to an activity where we could work side by side and she might open up in a more helpful way.

I'd treat it as swearing (which if she knew she'd probably be saying instead) and tell her off.
'That's a very upsetting and nasty thing to say and you shouldn't be saying it. If you say it again then <consequence>'

Make sure you follow through each and every time. It will take about six weeks to stop her.

Try to remember you are doing a fabulous job. You've got her out of an abusive set up and arranged counselling to start shortly.

You are doing fantastically well!! Do something nice for yourself and if you can take a break in whatever way, then do it!

Thanks all. I think its just been really hard today. I've tried everything to make her happy and just get met with that. I instil rules and boundaries and they just get trampled on.

A lot of people say it's because she feels safe to act like that, but doesn't make it easier.

You don't have to make her happy, she might be feeling sad or conflicted regardless of her home life with you. You're ensuring she has a safe and secure home with a loving parent, which is the key thing.

I think play therapy would be really helpful for her if you can access that.

She's testing you.

Every time she says it say to her, Well I love you very much. Try to take your own emotion out of it...I know it's easier said than done.

Without invalidating your feelings, when children behave badly, it's because they feel safe enough to do so, it's a known psychological fact.
I was blisteringly compliant as a child because I hated the abuse and the disapproval.

Sorry I just read what you put about what I said xxx

I'd say 'Oh no! If you hate me, does that mean I don't have to give you any Christmas presents or cook your dinner? Oh ok!'

And then walk away and get on with something else.

If she hates you, she won't want to be near you. If she follows up, then she's just looking for attention. I'll bet the farm it's the latter.
My teen ds regularly told me he hated me. I took absolutely no notice, didn't react and we carry on with our normal mum-son relationship. That's just how dcs are.

It sounds really really hard OP. This time of year can be tricky for little children in general, end of term tiredness, Christmas stuff messing up routines, weather and dark makes it hard to get outside as much, loads of sugar etc.

Can you try a few normal routine days so get up walk in the fresh air, normal dinners, film and early bedtimes . I agree you need to look after yourself as well, can you plan something for you? Some sort of treat to look forward to?

@MintJulia
If you read the op’s updates you will see that the child suffered physical and emotional abuse from her father. She sees him in a contact centre.

I'd say 'Oh no! If you hate me, does that mean I don't have to give you any Christmas presents or cook your dinner? Oh ok!'

Do not do this.

Did you miss the part when the op said her dd has been witness to domestic abuse? @MintJulia

This is terrible advice... you'd basically be trying to bribe or blackmail her into 'behaving'. Or scaring her into shutting up so that she can still get presents.

If possible (i.e. if you can identify the trigger) I would try naming the real emotion - give her the words to identify and express her feelings - and empathising with it e.g. she doesn't want to go to bed - "I hate you mummy". You respond "I know, it's upsetting isn't it to have to go to bed when you're having fun. But we all need to sleep so we're healthy" etc

It's great you're getting her counselling but in the mean time I'd also think about physical outlets - does she get some form of physical activity every day? Even just take her to the park and let her run around/play for a while - or put some music on and have a 'dance party' in the lounge if that's more her thing.