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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Pregnant & left for someone else

49 replies

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 17:23

Hi All,

I’m having a bit of a hard day and have read through countless posts about the same topic, but thought I would write my own.

Me (30) and my (ex)P (31) have been together for four years and I’m 9 weeks pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, as we used a condom but it came off part way. We had planned to get engaged this year and we have a very large shared community. Tbh I have been a little unhappy in the relationship recently but ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

As these stories sometimes go, as soon as I told him I was pregnant he demanded I get an abortion and his personality completely changed. The last 5 weeks have been hell - him telling me he hates me, that I’ve ruined his life etc

During our relationship, I was able to get on the property ladder as a first time buyer last year (2 bed terraced). I have a very good high paying career and a car. He however, hasn’t managed to achieve much due to some things post covid. Hence why he believes the baby will further damage his chances of getting on his feet.

I’ve had 2 terminations before, one at 18 during college and one with this same partner 2 years ago - I slightly regret both but I know they were the right choices at the time. A third would be devastating.

After a few weeks of no contact and him ending it with me, he showed up yesterday and revealed that he met someone else a few weeks ago - which is partly why he doesn’t want the child. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. He said things are progressing very quickly with her. He’s shown his true colours and I do not want to be with him.

My mum said she will move in with me & help as my parents are retired and mortgage free. I have my sister and BIL (w 2 kids) down the road and also his family are close by and very much want to be part of the babies life. Everybody is so excited - except him.

I haven’t told any of my friends as I’m deeply embarrassed as they all did the whole Marriage first, then baby thing.

I want this child, and I believe I can provide a good life for it. However, I keep having this recurring thought that I’m ruining my life. I’m scared I will be lonely, single & unwanted.

I guess I’m here to vent, as I can’t stop crying. What if this is my last chance as I’ve had 2 terminations before?

The purpose of my post is seeking encouragement. Are there any mothers that were left pregnant, and how it turned out for you? Did you regret keeping the baby? Did you ever find a life partner? Am I making a huge mistake?

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

justl0st · 09/12/2023 17:59

I am a single mum of 4, I think of you expect nothing from him and still feel you will cope alone then I would go for it. It sounds like you've got a great support network and that your heart is in it, financially stable - would parents help with childcare? If so I would def go for it, as for being alone, being single with 4 kids I've still found a great guy, I know lots of single parents that have met other people some have gone on to get married and have more kids etc so I wouldn't let that sway your mind especially if you have your family behind you to give you time 'off' it will of course have its hard moments I will not lie, emotionally I find it hard I make all the decisions etc but if you have good friends and family for a sounding board it does massively help.

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 18:35

@justl0st Yes, my mum pretty much wants to be a live in Nanny and would take care of the baby if I need days off. She did the same with both of my sisters. More so me, who would be single. I work from home permanently too, so that helps with childcare costs.

I'm glad things worked out for you and your DP.

I'm just hoping the love for the child will help as I'm feeling pretty disconnected at the moment

OP posts:

justl0st · 09/12/2023 19:28

To be honest from what you have written it sounds like you had outgrown him anyway, you were moving ahead and he was stagnant. I am a strong believer in everything works out for the best in the end even if it doesn't seem it now. I feel like the way he has reacted is showing his true colours now. You deserve better. It will be difficult for a while, just take things slowly, a lot of self love and keep yourself busy if you can. Once the little one is here you won't have time to think of anything else. It sounds like your mum is amazing by the way!

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 21:07

@justl0st I appreciate this, thank you. I do think I've outgrown him but I guess I need to do the 'time heals all wounds' thing.

Yes my mum is my everything <3

OP posts:

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 21:08

You seem like a great mother already! You will be fine! Lots of marriages end when babies are little unfortunately and you won't be the only single mum in the world. Lots of people find love and partners for life when they already have kids. Your mum is ace offering practical help. I also think becoming a parent is a transformative experience and as a result you'll know better what kind of partner you would want for yourself in the future. Don't rush into the new relationships.

Farmhouse1234 · 09/12/2023 21:15

Thank god you didn’t do the marriage thing first - you’d be divorcing and giving away half your house and car!

Hes a tw@t. One day you’ll be with someone else whom you’re really happy with and thank your lucky stars he walked away.

Sounds like you have a lot of support and want this child - so don’t let the tw@ts behaviour take away from enjoying your pregnancy and looking forward to meeting your baby.

ZekeZeke · 09/12/2023 21:23

You are only 30.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be tied to this piece of crap for the rest of my life, and you will be if you proceed with the pregnancy.

I would have a termination. You have plenty of time to meet someone that will love you and settle down/have a family.

Carsarelife · 09/12/2023 21:50

Sounds like you have a great support network so in your circumstances I'd go for it and carry on with the pregnancy.
See what happens. Don't think about the future too much just think about the now, put yourself and your baby first before anything.
He may not even be involved in the baby's life and if he isn't in sure you'll handle everything just fine on your own with the help of your family.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2023 22:02

Hiya my ex left me at 35 weeks, just after proposing about 12 weeks before . My baby is almost one now and i am really sad this time of year (Xmas and he left around this time last year)!I don't regret having my baby for a moment (not that I had the option to terminate at that late stage). It sounds like you've got lots of social support and your finances are ok - similar to me. It's very doable.

If your friends do anything other than love and support you please ditch them. Although I must say one of my best friends supporting me now is a single mum of three that a couple of years ago was one of those 'perfect families' that your friends are. You never know what will happen.

If you DO want to not go ahead with the pregnancy that's absolutely your perogative too/ it's early days and you might prefer to try to meet someone else - but there's also no guarantees that he'll be any better or that the pregnancy will come easier next time.

As least in my position now I feel like I will be able to take dating at my own pace rather than rushing around trying to find a man to have a baby with.

Feel free to dm me for any more advice!

Arosebyanyname · 09/12/2023 22:07

I think it's worth bearing in mind that even when it is a planned pregnancy there are a lot of big feelings around how you'll cope and whether it's actually a good idea as it's such a momentous change. But it sounds like you would cope (and more!).

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 23:00

@Wednesday6 your opening statement made me cry - thank you. I really want to be a mum, so this comment means a lot. I'm looking forward to the transformation!

@Farmhouse1234 You know, I never thought about the fact he could've taken half of my assets. That's a major silver lining.
He is in a humongous amount of debt that I might've taken on in marriage too.

OP posts:

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 23:01

ZekeZeke · 09/12/2023 21:23

You are only 30.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be tied to this piece of crap for the rest of my life, and you will be if you proceed with the pregnancy.

I would have a termination. You have plenty of time to meet someone that will love you and settle down/have a family.

I know, sometimes I do feel like 30 is young. Your comment is definitely one of the aspects I'm thinking about

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 23:07

I wouldn’t have the baby as I’d prefer to not have a blended family. I’d rather meet someone else and start a family that way

Maybe he was having an affair hence why your relationship was not good or perhaps he is lying and desperate to convince you to have an abortion

Do bear in mind he might be in the babies life with you not being able to control how many girlfriends there might be/step mothers etc

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 23:08

@Carsarelife thank you - it's hard not to think about the future - I'm a major planner of my life. I also think that's why I stayed with him as it was part of my 'plan'. But I guess I need to let go of the control a little bit.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Oh my word. Sorry this happened to you too :( Yes please I am going to DM you as your situation sounds similar to mine thank you xx

@Arosebyanyname This is true, this feels like the biggest event of my whole life. So I'll cut myself a little slack for panicking. Thank you

OP posts:

Carsarelife · 09/12/2023 23:20

If it helps I was 32 weeks pregnant when my partner left and I was devastated. I can see now it was for the best as he was dishonest, addictive personality and controlling.
I had the baby with the support of a friend and I met up with him when the baby was 6 weeks old and they had a photo together then we never heard from him again although he does pay maintenance. Zero contact at all although I do hear from his mum and sister occasionally. The baby is 8 years old now and we've got through it just fine by ourselves.
I haven't met anyone else, not because I don't want to but I find it hard to trust anyone again. I also can't deal with anymore upset.

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 10/12/2023 11:02

@Carsarelife That sounds so horrible - I'm glad you can see how much of a d*ck he was afterwards. Im also starting to see clearer about my ex's personality too.

Yes, I don't blame you for not trusting again. I think a peaceful life is the most important thing

OP posts:

Hubblebubble · 12/12/2023 18:49

I work from home permanently too. For your sake and your child's, get proper childcare in place. It's really not possible to juggle.

Hubblebubble · 12/12/2023 18:50

And congratulations

WorriedMum231 · 12/12/2023 18:59

To be honest it sounds like you have a great supportive network around you, that’s great.

Society has an idea of what life should look like for women marriage then kids all whilst working a high flying career… it’s unobtainable for most and even the few that have the majority of it, well, it’s not free - it costs them piece of mind. What I’m saying is, don’t compare yourself to others, this isn’t the 1930s there are so many different types of families out there and if this is your path then that could be a really beautiful thing.

It seems like the pregnancy couldn’t have come at a worse time for your ex, he appears to have checked out of the relationship before you announced the pregnancy and wanted things to end, I’m sure pregnancy was the last thing he wanted so I personally wouldn’t judge him to harshly for ending thing things even though you’re pregnant. You may end up raising this child alone but like I said, you have a great support network around you. You can do this if you want to.

perhaps when the dust is settled, you and he may coparent. Having this child is your decision, when two adults have sex there is always a risk of pregnancy no matter what precautions you take, pretty much only a hysterectomy will totally irradiate that risk. He has financial responsibilities now, hopefully he will at least provide money but if not you can go to the CMS. Men control so much in a woman’s life but this is your decision, no one else’s. He may not like it, but if you want sex, you may end up with a child. He will just need to work on accepting that.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 12/12/2023 19:12

If you want this child keep the baby. Don't take your chances of getting pregnant for granted. You are strong, intelligent, have money and good family support. You will find a way to manage

NightmareGirl · 12/12/2023 19:24

You’re right. This could be your only chance to have a baby. It won’t ruin your life. You’re financially stable and are going to have a lot of support from your mum. There are men who would take on your baby and help you raise it. But even if that doesn’t happen, you will most likely love your baby more than any man. I’m a single mum and their dad doesn’t look after them or support me apart from maintenance. I’ve never regretted my DC.

HuntingoftheSnark · 12/12/2023 19:53

I was in a very similar situation to you, almost identical in terms of my ex, but with the added complication that we had moved overseas to work. My parents disowned me as they couldn't cope with having a single parent in the family. It was tough for a while, as I only had two months off with my daughter, but it was absolutely the best choice. DD was 26 last month, her father has never been involved in any way and we have a wonderful life and relationship. I genuinely wouldn't change anything, even the bit with my parents as it made me very self sufficient and resilient.

Wishing you all the very best, whatever you decide.

crackofdoom · 12/12/2023 20:00

The most important thing here is whether you want this baby. And it sounds as if you do.

Very many people manage to raise children and have happy families without fitting the template of "meet....marry....2.4 kids....Happy ever after". The happy ever after bit is particularly difficult to guarantee!

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 10:59

Hubblebubble · 12/12/2023 18:49

I work from home permanently too. For your sake and your child's, get proper childcare in place. It's really not possible to juggle.

Edited

Hi @Hubblebubble can I ask for a little bit more insight on this?

My home office is upstairs and my mum said she'd have the baby downstairs for the majority of the day whilst I'm working. That's how I envisaged the days going.

OP posts:

Original poster

ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 11:04

@WorriedMum231 Your comment helped me much more than you will ever know. Thank you for taking the time to post this message to me.

I have decided to go for it and just 'let go' of the expectations/control I've had only the trajectory of my life.

Upon reflection, I believe you when you said that he checked out a long time ago. Still not easy knowing the man I have been with every day for 4 years can abandon me in this manner.

I already feel the love for my child and I hope life will be good to me in terms of the future.

OP posts:

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