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Original poster

Pregnant & left for someone else

49 replies

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 17:23

Hi All,

I’m having a bit of a hard day and have read through countless posts about the same topic, but thought I would write my own.

Me (30) and my (ex)P (31) have been together for four years and I’m 9 weeks pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, as we used a condom but it came off part way. We had planned to get engaged this year and we have a very large shared community. Tbh I have been a little unhappy in the relationship recently but ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

As these stories sometimes go, as soon as I told him I was pregnant he demanded I get an abortion and his personality completely changed. The last 5 weeks have been hell - him telling me he hates me, that I’ve ruined his life etc

During our relationship, I was able to get on the property ladder as a first time buyer last year (2 bed terraced). I have a very good high paying career and a car. He however, hasn’t managed to achieve much due to some things post covid. Hence why he believes the baby will further damage his chances of getting on his feet.

I’ve had 2 terminations before, one at 18 during college and one with this same partner 2 years ago - I slightly regret both but I know they were the right choices at the time. A third would be devastating.

After a few weeks of no contact and him ending it with me, he showed up yesterday and revealed that he met someone else a few weeks ago - which is partly why he doesn’t want the child. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. He said things are progressing very quickly with her. He’s shown his true colours and I do not want to be with him.

My mum said she will move in with me & help as my parents are retired and mortgage free. I have my sister and BIL (w 2 kids) down the road and also his family are close by and very much want to be part of the babies life. Everybody is so excited - except him.

I haven’t told any of my friends as I’m deeply embarrassed as they all did the whole Marriage first, then baby thing.

I want this child, and I believe I can provide a good life for it. However, I keep having this recurring thought that I’m ruining my life. I’m scared I will be lonely, single & unwanted.

I guess I’m here to vent, as I can’t stop crying. What if this is my last chance as I’ve had 2 terminations before?

The purpose of my post is seeking encouragement. Are there any mothers that were left pregnant, and how it turned out for you? Did you regret keeping the baby? Did you ever find a life partner? Am I making a huge mistake?

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 14/12/2023 11:04

ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 10:59

Hi @Hubblebubble can I ask for a little bit more insight on this?

My home office is upstairs and my mum said she'd have the baby downstairs for the majority of the day whilst I'm working. That's how I envisaged the days going.

Show quote history

You have plenty of time to sort out the childcare aspect.

However I think it would be better to have some paid childcare too (maybe 2-3 days a week).

If your mum is going to be doing full time childcare (4-5 full days) then she will need evenings and weekends off!

And it would be nice if you could spend time with her when you are not working too.

ItsMeHiImTheProblemItsM3 · 14/12/2023 11:07

Sounds like you're going to be a great mum and you're better off without I'm, but I'm sorry it feels so horrible right now x

Original poster
ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 11:10

@Tiredbehyondbelief Thank you. I know fertility isn't guaranteed, so I'm trying to be grateful.

@NightmareGirl Thanks for the encouragement. It's good to hear that you don't regret your DC!

@HuntingoftheSnark I know it was a long time ago, but I'm sorry you went though that. But equally I'm happy that you have a wonderful life now. Wishing that for myself one day.

@crackofdoom I do want the baby. The world has definitely changed a lot & I need to let go of trying to have the 'perfect" life. It's not my reality sadly. I'm sure I'll be fine

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 11:16

@DuploTrain You've just given me a lot to think about. My mum would need a break wouldn't she! I think I've been so swept up with a million other thoughts I didn't think about the fact she's not a robot.

I'll have to have a planning session with her in a few months and see what we are going to do.

Paying for childcare on one salary seems tight though.

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 14/12/2023 11:16

ItsMeHiImTheProblemItsM3 · 14/12/2023 11:07

Sounds like you're going to be a great mum and you're better off without I'm, but I'm sorry it feels so horrible right now x

Thank you for this, needed to hear it this morning x

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Andr0meda · 15/12/2023 18:01

Thankfully, my husband and father of my children is amazing and we are together, but I just want to tell you how I feel about my kids. Even though I love my husband, what I feel about my kids is out of this world. They look nothing like my husband so my love for him is not a factor at all. The way you will feel when your little child will be putting their little arms around your neck, telling you that you are their whole world is something that cannot be described with words. This is YOUR baby, and your mum's grandchild. An absent sperm donor means nothing. I was raised by my single mother and I never missed a father. I had my grandad, uncles and male friends as I was growing up to help me gain trust in men. Wish you all the best in whatever you decide. x

AuntMarch · 15/12/2023 18:11

It was me who "left" when pregnant (we didn't live together) so not the same, but was still preegnant and single. I'm so, so glad I had my baby!

I lived with my mum for a while too, thank goodness because lockdown came along not too long after and I'd have really struggled before the support bubble part came in!
I used a childminder 2 days a week (went back as a key worker) and was able to claim back a lot of the cost, I wasn't claiming UC prior so that might be worth looking into.

DonDraper1 · 15/12/2023 18:37

You seem to have s great set up. I was left so he could go back to the wife he had neglected to tell me about for our whole 2 year relationship.
It has been a struggle, I moved back home and left all my friends and my dream job so I could move back in with my mum.
It's hard but worth it. Some times can be really difficult and money was a constant worry. I've always had to work full time which is hard when marries friends tell me they could never leave their children all that time.
I'm getting married next year and my partner is a dream and I adore every part of him and he adores us both.

coxesorangepippin · 15/12/2023 18:42

Leave that guy for dust

Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 08:42

@Andr0meda This description made me tear up a little. I honestly can't wait for that feeling. Just wish it was under better circumstances. Thanks

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 08:43

@AuntMarch Yes I'll look into it! Thanks - glad everything worked out for you

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 08:48

@DonDraper1 wow what a d*ck, Has the dad ever tried ti reach out? I'm worried that my ex will constantly end up disappointing my baby - I don't want that for my child.

However, your life turned out well for you, I'm glad you're happy!

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 08:48

@coxesorangepippin Absolutely! You don't have to tell me twice lol

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babyproblems · 16/12/2023 08:50

Just wanted to say op you sound balanced and strong - your ex is a loser and you are clearly so much better off without him. If you want the baby, have it. Forget being embarrassed etc - no one else bats an eyelid at different family set ups and you’ve got some good support with your mum. He isn’t good enough for you!!!
Dont put him on the birth certificate; it will make your life easier. If he grows up and behaves himself you could see if there’s any scope for them building a relationship at a later date. For now all that matters is you and what you want to do. Best of luck xxxx

user1492757084 · 16/12/2023 08:55

You will be better off without having to diplomatically include the ex. He is completely negative.

You might be best to have him legally sign away guardian rights so that you have the decision making responsibility. The baby might know it's father but you control the interaction as to what is in the best interests of your child. If you were to die you would not want the father to have to be the parent..

fruitbrewhaha · 16/12/2023 08:56

Has your mother really offered to provide full time childcare? I’m concerned by your comment that paying for childcare on one salary would be hard. It will be but I think you need to factor in paying for it. You can’t expect
your mother to drop everything to care for your baby. Surely she has a life of her own, her relationship with your Dad, and your siblings and other grandchildren.

LemonJeIIy · 16/12/2023 09:00

ExpectantEs · 09/12/2023 23:00

@Wednesday6 your opening statement made me cry - thank you. I really want to be a mum, so this comment means a lot. I'm looking forward to the transformation!

@Farmhouse1234 You know, I never thought about the fact he could've taken half of my assets. That's a major silver lining.
He is in a humongous amount of debt that I might've taken on in marriage too.

You go girl! You CAN do this with support. Forget men as they are mostly a waste of space! Have your beautiful baby this time as you will regret it if you don't. You are in a very good position with your house etc and your lovely mum x

Treacletoots · 16/12/2023 09:01

What is it they say? Ditch the dickhead, keep the baby?

OP it sounds like you're a very capable intelligent woman with a fantastic amount of family support. I'm not going to pretend it will be easy, but it will be very worth it.

It sounds very much like you'd outgrown the dickhead, and in fact to be honest you always were too good for him. Focus on you, and your baby. The right partner will come along at the right time. You don't need to settle.

DonDraper1 · 16/12/2023 10:22

He has. We aren't interested. He pays but I'm the same as you...If he was in her life she'd be waiting by the door every weekend waiting for him. He was once 2 hours late picking me up because he'd started watching TV and then thought that was more important.
My fiancé does school runs, takes her to football, pays half in everything with me. Right now he's making her scream with laughter in the front room.
Regardless of if you meet someone or not you will build a wonderful life for you and your child. We went on holidays and trips with my mum. My child is cherished by all around her. Yours will be too.

Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 17:11

@babyproblems 'Balanced' wouldn't be the word I would use at this time. I think this decision is one of the hardest things I've had to contemplate. Every day I settle on a different option. It's frustrating, but thank you!! x

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 17:13

@fruitbrewhaha you're spot on. I can probably afford 2 days a week childcare at most - in my area it's about £600. But I would also want to save a little for a rainy day.

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 17:15

@LemonJeIIy lol this made me laugh! Thanks girl! x

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 17:17

@Treacletoots The amount of times I've seen "ditch the man, keep the baby" on MN!

I'm just trying to be mentally strong now

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Original poster
ExpectantEs · 16/12/2023 17:20

@DonDraper1 I have so many stories similar to that with my ex. He once made us late to somewhere because he wanted to finish off a game on his phone.
Sometimes I can't believe I put up with his treatment. He was frankly a loser.

Your fiancé sounds a dream! I wish you all the best with your little family xx

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