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Original poster

Contact at all costs ?

46 replies

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:40

Hello all. Need some advice please…

do not know what to do. Ds aged 6 is crying and does not wish to visit dad for a week at a time during hols. The reason for this is the fact that he is forced to sleep on an uncomfortable mattress in the living room and states that he gets cold as dad doesn’t provide pyjamas. Also that dad forces him to go with him shopping for food once a day and if he doesn’t go he’s not allowed to have dinner. The other reason is the fact that the dad consistently asks ds half sister aged 22 to babysit him as dad is ‘too busy in the gym’ and spends up to the whole day in there. The contact is court ordered as an interim order as ex is wanting 50/50. First time ds stays for a week at dads home rather than with dad but elsewhere. I have reported the issues to social services but they are not interested. Ex point blank refuses to communicate with me (even as ordered by court on app), abusive but now states he will not as under criminal investigation for breach of non mol and history of da against me. Any advice please?

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 08:43

you send him with pjs then

Also that dad forces him to go with him shopping for food once a day and if he doesn’t go he’s not allowed to have dinner you tell your DS that going shopping once a day is hardly punishment of the century

and being babysat by his half sister in her early twenties is hardly neglect

and but now states he will not as under criminal investigation for breach of non mol and history of da against me does this mean you are under investigation?

contactus · 09/12/2023 08:44

oh apologies he is under investigation

contactus · 09/12/2023 08:45

nder criminal investigation for breach of non mol and history of da against me

and sensible that he’s not communicating with you op

liveforsummer · 09/12/2023 08:47

The pyjamas is the only even slight issue here - send him with some. Sorry but no way any contact will be reviewed due to these reasons and I'm not surprised SS aren't taking any notice. Of corse he has to go shopping to have any food and being babysat by sister at 22 is no issue.

contactus · 09/12/2023 08:52

liveforsummer · 09/12/2023 08:47

The pyjamas is the only even slight issue here - send him with some. Sorry but no way any contact will be reviewed due to these reasons and I'm not surprised SS aren't taking any notice. Of corse he has to go shopping to have any food and being babysat by sister at 22 is no issue.

exactly. babysat by his adult sister and going food shopping… honestly

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:55

Thanks all
he sleeps on an uncomfortable mattress and complains that he can’t sleep and comes home exhausted. His other siblings there have their own rooms.
of course the sister lookinh after him is no big deal but it is when it happens every single weekend when ds goes there as dad can’t be bothered with him (note dad has asked for 50/50 care, wonder how he is going to manage that when he can’t even be bothered with the one day/one night at weekend).
ds says that dad never listens to him and that he’s told him several times he doesn’t want to sleep on floor.
there are numerous other issues such as dad refusing to do homework with ds

as for not communicating - the court has said we have to do so via a co parenting app. He routinely brings back ds late and last week it was 45 min…no explanation given and what if there is an emergency? Also he doesn’t mind sending malicious messages otherwise but biw he’s refusing to communicate about sons welfare as police intend to charge re breach of non mol. Surely he can appoint a neutral third party ? I don’twant to communicate eitherbit with a 6 year old there will be times when we hsvd to …

OP posts:
Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:58

babysitying by adult sibling who just spends time with him travelling up and down the tube all day and brings him back late with soiled trousers S she refused to let him go to bathroom. Dad can’t be bothered with him so sister is nanny every single weekend!! Yet he wants 50/50

thetd is so much more but too much and quite outing

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 08:58

does he go to his fathers every weekend?

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:59

It’s not thd food shopping….it’s the threat that he can’t eat if he doesn’t go. Emotional abuse

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 09:00

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:58

babysitying by adult sibling who just spends time with him travelling up and down the tube all day and brings him back late with soiled trousers S she refused to let him go to bathroom. Dad can’t be bothered with him so sister is nanny every single weekend!! Yet he wants 50/50

thetd is so much more but too much and quite outing

oh don’t be daft. what do you mean…. she just travels on the tube all day with him?

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:00

Contactus - yes he spends one day and night at his fathers every weekend. And ever since the sister arrived she’s looked after ds, not dad, on that day. Hd doesn’t work at weekends. And he wants 50/50?

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 09:01

OP. it is far from ideal if all your 6 year old is saying is true

but going food shopping once a day (on a Sat AND Sunday… good grief, the abuse!!)

and spending time with your adult sister even if very frequently

are very weak examples

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:02

@contactus yes that is what they do. Ds liked trains so apparently the sister just says where do you want to go today? Ds of course will say x or y…so that’s what they do. One day was spent travelling on the jubilee line all day, another on the dlr

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 09:03

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:00

Contactus - yes he spends one day and night at his fathers every weekend. And ever since the sister arrived she’s looked after ds, not dad, on that day. Hd doesn’t work at weekends. And he wants 50/50?

He isn’t going to be refused 50/50 on the basis you have said

Crossinsomekindaline · 09/12/2023 09:03

Sounds like a lovely sister to give up her weekend days to indulge your sons love of trains.

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:03

and presumably he can’t communicate with you if he’s under investigation for DV and breach of a non mol order?

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:04

It is all true. The soilec trousers, and returning without underpants whilst dressing him in a summer coat when I’ve sent a winter coat, I have seen. Without being too outing….social services have been involved before and these kids were under a plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:05

Contactus - he hasn’t been told not to communicate with me. He has made that decision. It’s an excuse to control as he refused to contact me before the police investigation, just ignored me so could not sort things for ds. Why he doesn’t ask a solicitor to write instead I do not know

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 09:08

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:05

Contactus - he hasn’t been told not to communicate with me. He has made that decision. It’s an excuse to control as he refused to contact me before the police investigation, just ignored me so could not sort things for ds. Why he doesn’t ask a solicitor to write instead I do not know

he is under CRIMINAL investigation for DV and breach of a non mol against you.

Of course he doesn’t want direct comm with you, and if i was his solicitor i would urge him not to either

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:10

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:04

It is all true. The soilec trousers, and returning without underpants whilst dressing him in a summer coat when I’ve sent a winter coat, I have seen. Without being too outing….social services have been involved before and these kids were under a plan.

but you’ve told SS all this And they no doubt know much more And they’ve been concerned enough to be involved before and yet they aren’t concerned about any of what you have told them

And Op - i have to say, the examples you give, and the fact your ds had one accident at 6 years…. are very weak

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:10

you have never once packed a pair of warm pjs for him?

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:10

Yes the sister is the dads de facto nanny though refusing to let him go to the toilet, and bringing him back 45 mins late constantly makes her such a good sister!!

sisyet and father regularly denigrate me to my son. Dad is abusive to me and his other ex wife (sisters mother) has walked out and not been seen for years due to the trauma she sustained with dv from him too .

there is a lot lot more here to unpick but this is the tip of the Iceberg.

OP posts:
contactus · 09/12/2023 09:11

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:10

Yes the sister is the dads de facto nanny though refusing to let him go to the toilet, and bringing him back 45 mins late constantly makes her such a good sister!!

sisyet and father regularly denigrate me to my son. Dad is abusive to me and his other ex wife (sisters mother) has walked out and not been seen for years due to the trauma she sustained with dv from him too .

there is a lot lot more here to unpick but this is the tip of the Iceberg.

i will bow out because the examples you give are weak at best

Original poster
DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:14

As I say - tip of the iceberg
lots more incidents and patterns, including medical neglect and ds being the target of violence from his 14 year old half sibling who lives with dad.

SS don’t ever want to get involved unless child being beaten black or blue. Police and GP have both made referrals they are not interested

judge indicates at last hearing that s37 report may be ordered. Hope it does -ds is suffering.

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 09/12/2023 09:16

My advice would be to document the most concerning issues on the parenting app in a friendly, working-together matter-of-fact tone with a real focus on being child led.

Dear ex, just writing to let you know that ds is sharing that he doesn’t want to come to yours because he doesn’t have pyjamas or a bed. I will send him with pyjamas for this week. Please could you buy him some? And arrange a bed for him so that he wants to come to yours. Thanks.

Dear ex, just writing to let you know that ds is still reporting no pyjamas and no bed at yours. Please could you arrange these for him? I’ll send pyjamas for him tonight again. Im worried that these issues are making him not want to come to yours. Thanks

Every single week.

From your posts the biggest issues seem to be clothing, bed, taking him to the toilet and I think that you can easily document them in this way.

I’d not fight the gym use or shopping trips but I would document if ds shares that he is anxious about not being fed

Dear ex, ds is saying that he’s worried that he won’t be given dinner at your house. I’ve sent him with some crunch bars in his bag to help with his anxiety around this. Do you know what’s causing this anxiety?

Id also hazard a guess that the 22 year old is utterly sick of the situation too! Next time she brings ds home I’d make sure that she has your number and let her know that she can always drop back early if she wants to, just to text a heads up.

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