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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Contact at all costs ?

46 replies

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 08:40

Hello all. Need some advice please…

do not know what to do. Ds aged 6 is crying and does not wish to visit dad for a week at a time during hols. The reason for this is the fact that he is forced to sleep on an uncomfortable mattress in the living room and states that he gets cold as dad doesn’t provide pyjamas. Also that dad forces him to go with him shopping for food once a day and if he doesn’t go he’s not allowed to have dinner. The other reason is the fact that the dad consistently asks ds half sister aged 22 to babysit him as dad is ‘too busy in the gym’ and spends up to the whole day in there. The contact is court ordered as an interim order as ex is wanting 50/50. First time ds stays for a week at dads home rather than with dad but elsewhere. I have reported the issues to social services but they are not interested. Ex point blank refuses to communicate with me (even as ordered by court on app), abusive but now states he will not as under criminal investigation for breach of non mol and history of da against me. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:17

@contactus no communication to the point where I had to go to court to organise HIS access to our child as he was ignoring my request to sort holiday arrangements What if there is an emergency? Can’t he appoint a third party to liaise ? He doesn’t mind sending photos of himself grinning outside the police station but when it comes to communicating about child arrangements he won’t do it?

note that SS got involved due to his control/coercive behaviour towards all of us when we were together

OP posts:

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 09:20

Send pjs and a dressing gown.

Going shopping and being babysat by his sister is not neglect.

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:21

all these serious issues you allude to

and you start a thread about food shopping on a saturday and sunday, and being looked after by his adult half sister

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:22

@Wildhorses2244 this is exactly what I have been doing. Ds is so anxious about going to dads now and it breaks my heart to send him but of course I have to promote contact at all costs!! My messages are just ignored but at least it shows that i am trying to co patent and he’s ignoring everything.

the dd is controlled by dad -she’s dropped out of uni and of course dad is paying for her. Her own mother must have gone through this too but she’s too young to see it ! She also hated me too.

OP posts:

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 09/12/2023 09:24

Do you have a solicitor? You really need help to boil down the serious issues because if you mix them up with food shopping and travelling on the tube you'll fall down immediately.

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:25

It’s not about the food shopping. It’s not about spending time with sister. It’s about emotional abuse and not being bothered about spending time with ds and wanting 50/50 at the same time, not giving him a safe comfortable place to sleep, not listening to his voice, not doing his homework with him and screwing up ds for life. I’m now having to arrange play therapy for ds dud to all this. I’m kicking myself for ever having a child with such an abusive and controlling man.

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Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:26

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog ive spend £££ to get current order but am going for direct access barrister for next hearing. You are right -so many issues over years so vital to get it right.

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Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 09/12/2023 09:29

Good luck. I know it's awful and I'm sure you have genuine concerns.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 09/12/2023 09:39

You sound like everything is very confused and muddled in your head - I don't mean this rudely, it is a completely normal way to be left when you've been subjected to coercive control and abuse for years.

I would strongly suggest that if you can, you seek out support from a domestic abuse charity or support agency who would be able to go over everything with you and help you to sort out the issues - get them down on paper and prioritised. That will help your barrister, and make sure that your money is not wasted there. Barristers are very expensive and ime they expect everything to be already sorted and presented to them so that all they have to do is read through to make the strongest case from the evidence you have. If you go to a barrister still with serious stuff muddled up with what doesn't 'sound' serious then I'm afraid it will not work out very well.

Best of luck. Keep strong

AppropriateAdult · 09/12/2023 09:39

I'm surprised at the answers you're getting here, OP. He doesn't have a bed, sleeps on a mattress in the living area; his father doesn't actually spend any time with him on his contact days, and uses the threat of withholding food as a motivational tool. It's a bit shit, isn't it?

liveforsummer · 09/12/2023 09:44

If there are hundreds of issues and examples why are you only giving these non issues. 45 minutes late is not even worthy of noting. Especially where public transport is being used. Riding the tube all day at HIS request is actually a nice thing to do. It's a shame he had an accident but these things can happen. I'm afraid sleeping on a lateness on the floor isn't a huge issue either. Courts allow these types of arrangements for contact all the time. It is NOT emotional abuse to point out that if you don't go shopping there won't be any food to eat however you chose to look at it. I get it's hard at this stage as I have been in a similar situation but looking back these things really don't matter

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:49

Thanks all.
the problem is that this has gone on for years. I cannot list all the issues as it’s very outing plus I’d be here all day.
yes I’ve had specialist dv counselling and been ok until ds is now getting visibly upset about staying at dads and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m worried about him and his mental health.

i have the option of going back to lawyers and getting them to help with me next hearing. I will be doing that.

he can try and abuse me but I will not see my ds being screwed up by him the way his other kids have been (it’s a dysfunctional environment to say the least).

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Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 09:52

@liveforsummer i disagree. He wants 50/50 but refuses to provide a bed/room, and doesn’t do homework with child but happy for child to spend his one day with him and down the tube all day with sister simply because he really can’t be bothered with him. Son is now too scared to voice his wishes as apparently he never listens to him and ignores him (yes I got the stonewalling treatment too for months if I didn’t do as he pleased).

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 09/12/2023 09:53

He wants (0/50 but does not have it. The sleeping situation will likely help your case if he's still pushing for that but will be seen as acceptable for one night a week

liveforsummer · 09/12/2023 09:53

*50/50

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 10:24

Yes I appreciate it’s ok for one night wheh it’s a Friday or Saturday. If it’s 50/50 or a week for hols (as it is now) that’s not acceptable as ds can’t sleep properly on it. He really needs a 3 bed flat to accommodate his 2 other children plus ds. Of course that will be on the finances….another fight for another day!

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amylou8 · 09/12/2023 11:07

This is court ordered contact. Presumably they had the relevant information when they made the interim order. You pack your son some pyjamas and jolly him up for the nice time he's going to have with dad. He'd probably be prefer to stay at home rather than go to school as well, I'm sure he could tell you numerous examples of mean teachers and being hungry waiting for lunch time.

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 11:41

It’s court ordered before all these issues came to light. I intend to ask for a variation at the next hearing. And no - there are no ‘mean’ teachers whom force him to sit on the floor and keep him hungry unless he performs a certain task. And no - he loves school. Please don’t minimise emotional abuse.
fyi ths judge whom ordered this blatantly said he hadn’t had time to read everything and just went down the middle in terms of what ex wanted and what I wanted. He even said as much and kept talking about how he ‘didn’t have much time’ to review.It was an interim order pending next hearing. This judge was an absolute joke in my opinion.

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sailrunski · 09/12/2023 12:09

Are Cafcass still involved?

Orangeandgold · 09/12/2023 13:31

Strange answers. Maybe it’s all down to different parenting style.

I have been in your situation - co parenting but it never went to court. I also have friends that have had similar situations where they’ve had to coparent.

I think when a child comes back into your care distressed - as a mum you do have the right to worry and ideally work with the dad to find out what is going on. My DD always came back in good spirits after visits. If we ever went anywhere and she came back scared I wouldn’t take her again.

I think the lack of contact is concerning. It is so childish of him to do that. I wouldn’t leave my child with anyone refusing to contact me. Especially if you cannot give him a call to confirm what DC is telling you or to arrange better bedding etc.

I agree that I don’t think your reasoning will stand strong to the court system and I think SS have “bigger things to deal with” but I think your concerns should either lead you to pushing back so that he doesn’t get 50/50 unless you want him to or you don’t mind your son going through all of this.

Original poster

DimSun777 · 09/12/2023 13:36

@sailrunski have safeguarding call soon. Despite his awful decision judge said that he would recommend both a s7 and s37 report if he were to deal with matter at next hearing (fhdra)

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