Help me explain this to child

[justlikebuses]

5 year old has been no contact (court ordered) for over 2 years.
Despite various professionals and cafcass wanting a FFH, the magistrate has thrown it out each time they asked. Addendum section 7 ordered for final hearing next year. In the eyes of the law he is a safe man so cafcass will have to follow the law and as he is “no risk” it is likely contact will progress quite quickly.
During this time I have not badmouthed father, child thinks he has been away with work and hasn’t questioned it. There was not a deep relationship prior to breakup and we never lived together but he was always labelled Daddy.
The other day I was in the bath and said to them “I would just like 20 mins like Chili but I don’t have a bandit to look after you” (There are older kids here to mind them whilst I am in the bath and that’s a Bluey reference)
They then said “yes we do but he’s at work a long way away”. I didn’t know what to say back. It’s suddenly occurred to me that when he does get access the child will think that we will get back together. I’m certain of it.

If cafcass ask again about seeing him, which they will do, the child will say yes obviously.

However, he has since moved someone else in with kids. How can I tell my child this? I feel I need to do so but not in a way that can be classed as alienation. But I know if I said to my child that I can’t come with you when you see Daddy and he has other children living with him and he also lives with their mum, then they may feel differently and not be so excited and enthusiastic.
I haven’t had a relationship since so in the child’s mind it’s totally plausible we’d be all together when they returned from “work”.

He will be one of several children of lone parents in his class. I would get a book( All about families etc) to explain that families look different, some are big, small, noisy, quiet, live fog, live apart, 2 mummies or daddies etc and then just explain that his daddy lives at x with x. The let him ask questions and deal with that as it comes.

I teach PSHE to chn this age and they are quite accepting of all family situations.

This book.

Maybe start with daddy lives in a different house and the concept of divorce.
I wouldn't discuss his partner or her kids with child. I think it's for daddy to explain and answer any questions because whatever you might say may end up being wrong and create a problem with ex.
Once you know what kind of contact it will be, you can explain that child is going round to play at daddy's house or that child is going to the cinema with daddy.

Child is aware of different set ups. Their siblings got to their dad.
My question is:
How do I tell child that dad has moved on? The main reason as when they have their cafcass interview they will base it on their view that they believe me and him are still together but he is at work. They do not have the full facts.
Up to last week contact wasn't even discussed as it was likely no contact forever but a misogynistic magistrate has blown that out the water.
It would probably be helpful if only those with cafcass or family court experience comment on this. I didn't understand how it all worked and everything gets twisted until ive been going through it.
Also apologies for the genderless language, trying to stay unidentifiable.

He never lived with us anyway, so they're aware of daddy living in a different house.

They're a Bluey fan? Winton in Bluey is from a single parent household whereby he spends weekends at dad's house. Maybe watch some episodes featuring him? Then explain you are like Winton's family.

https://blueypedia.fandom.com/wiki/Winton

Just be honest.

Oh ok. My kids would have assumed that daddy was in a hotel because business trips = hotels in their experience.

Does child know that you and daddy are not married any more ? Telling your child that daddy has a different wife isn't alienation and helps child understand that you and daddy will never get back together. Are you friendly with anyone from ex's family ? Would the news be less upsetting if auntie or granny explained ? (I know I'm being sexist assuming that the females in ex's family might be best at giving news)

Does your child know someone with divorced parents ? You could use them as an example of how normal it is to live in 2 houses, be with just mummy or daddy...

Dont give too much detail. Just the facts: Daddy and Mummy aren’t together now and Daddy has a new house where he lives with x. You can’t avoid those facts and they will come up with this process so just be honest and see what he says . Obviously give lots of reassurance that he is loved by both parents .

That's not the point of my post. It has only just occurred to me that child thinks me and dad are still together. We have been separated ever since they were arrested for DV 2 years ago.
Cafcass will ask child about dad. Child does not have up to date information as I have shielded them.

No contact with ex family due to DV.

If he is aware of different family set ups as you say and he hasn’t had much contact with his dad he is likely to accept your explanation that you no longer are a couple and that he might see daddy at a different house.

Tell your child the truth in an age appropriate way. Ie he was very horrible to us and then left as he was very angry/shouted/punched etc.

There is nothing wrong with telling the truth in a way your child understands. As I read your post, you are worried the court will ask your child what they think about seeing your ex husband, and given that they think he's at "work" your child will tell the court they want to see him?

Yes, that's exactly it. If they knew the truth they may not dig their own hole so to speak.
But your first paragraph will have me done for alienation and potentially child will be removed from my care as I "can't be trusted to facilitate a relationship"
Family court has its own set of rules and logic. On the very odd occasion child has mentioned dad I've said he's at work because anything else would be badmouthing father. It's ridiculous.
He is deemed to be a safe man because the magistrate brushed aside all of mine and other professionals statements (including the police).
So I'm struggling to come up with how to tell/pre-warn child that any contact will not involve me and they will never see mummy and daddy in the same room together.
Child also witnessed DV but was too young to remember.

Could you ask your solicitor for advice? Or the police maybe?

That sounds absolutely awful. Does he have a conviction for the DV? And maybe post in Legal, might get more helpful answers with a title like "Concerned about Parental Alienation accusations in court and looking for advice"

Tell your child that even when daddy comes back “from work” that he will not be living with you because you don’t love each other anymore, like you and siblings DF. That they will probably see daddy at his house and not at the same time as they see mummy.

We didn't live together anyway.

The first time cafcass met child, they drew a picture of a man and woman outline and spoke about how the man and woman are in their lives. Child said "mummy and daddy love each other" but I think it was idealisation. Cafcass semi-agreed and even said this in their report. Magistrate disregarded and shouted "child needs to see their father without delay" and banged fists on the table. Barrister was just as shocked as me.
He has been arrested for DV in a prior relationship. His other child has reported dv to school.
But because his other child is not party to proceedings, and other DV wasn't to me; it doesn't count.
So I have to tread carefully. And I need to let child know (5 years) that any relationship with daddy will not include mummy and that daddy lives with a different mummy and her children of a similar age.
I don't want child saying they want to see daddy thinking it will get us back together and I don't want child saying they want to see daddy and when they see the other mummy, think that I have been replaced.

I don’t think you need to complicate things by including her fathers new partner at the moment - if he gets any kind of custody then he will have to deal with it and you can support your DC. A potential step mother might not be welcome to her, even at such a young age, or she might love it but I wouldn’t trouble her with thoughts about it until it’s actually happening.

She just needs to know that Mummy and Daddy won’t be living together when (if?) he comes home from work and that when (again, if?) she sees daddy then mummy won’t be there because it will be daddy’s time to see her and you’ll be taking it in turns.

I think you are over thinking this a bit. It's normal for kids of separated parents to want/assume parents could get back together.
You just need to explain to him in simple terms.
first conversation:

• hey you know how Daddy is away with work?
• Well Daddy will be back soon but will be living in a different house
• you can go and visit Daddy, that will be nice eh?

Second conversation:

• hey you know how you are going to visit Daddy next week/month whenever
• Well mummy won't be going with you as mummy and daddy aren't getting along
• but mummy and daddy love you very much, it's just that mummy and daddy aren't getting along so have decided to live in different houses and not visit each other
• I'll come and pick you up after your visit with Daddy and we'll come back here and play Bluey

That sort of thing. You just need to let him know and not overcomplicate it.

He really won't think you've been replaced. Don't worry.

He never lived with us so the other house thing (if they remember) will not be new.
I feel I need to tell them it all but how?
I need them to recognise we are not together and there is another woman and children in his life.
I can't have them going into the cafcass interview talking in an idealistic manner about mine and his relationship as the court will read those "facts" and place the child into contact with an abuser.
I will not be able to escort my child to and from contact and it will be done via a contact centre due to the length of time of no contact.
So for this I feel I need to arm the child with enough to not put their foot in it as such when it comes to interview.

If you haven't been in family court or contact with cafcass then I can see why this all seems like an overthink.
Anyone who has experience of family courts will understand why I'm thinking the way I am, sadly.

What I meant OP was that you just need to explain it quite simply to your child over a series of conversations. They won't understand it all in a big single step. So each conversation pick one of two things to tell them:

• mummy and daddy don't get along
• mummy and daddy live in different houses now
• daddy has a new special friend and he has some other children
• mummy won't be visiting daddy with you, xxx will take you
• you will be visiting daddy at a special place for visiting.

I appreciate I have not gone through what you have. This is just about communication of difficult messages to small children which I have done and spoke extensively with child therapist beforehand. Their advice was to be factual, give very limited reasoning as kids don't really care about the background as much as adults, do it when there's minimum distraction but don't overlabour it and let them head off to play afterwards, don't impose your emotions on the situation and don't be surprised if they don't ask any questions immediately as it may take them a while to process

So for this I feel I need to arm the child with enough to not put their foot in it as such when it comes to interview.
*
I find this sentence a little worrying.

You have older children who live with you and see their dad. Surely you know roughly how to explain to your younger child that you and their father are not in a relationship. Lots of posters have given you suggestions but you keep brushing them off. It sounds like you are more focused on coaching your child to say the right thing to CAFCASS rather than meaningfully wanting your child to understand their family situation. I don't understand why you have pushed the narrative that dad is working away when actually you've split up. That's not fair for your child.

It's hard to understand what you want for your child and their dad's future relationship. If he is living with other children he isn't going to be precluded from having contact with his child, he's obviously not considered to be at that level of risk.*

It sounds to me like you would like to alienate your child from their father without being accused of alienation. This is not a criticism, I can’t understand why given what has happened.