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Original poster

Inconsistent father demands dna test afterward 12 years ?

30 replies

M1807 · 07/11/2023 22:08

What would you do in my situation.

Sons father has been a complete let down his whole life ( hes 12) , NEVER paid support, been inconsistent in his life , no regular visits ect - at most once a month. No overnight stays - just half a day out somewere if he does appear.

We split up when son was 1 as he mistreated me. We are from different cultures which really wasnt as issue untill son was born.

He contacts me out the blue after seeing my son at the weekend demanding a DNA test? After 12 years saying he doesnt think my son is his child. Mentioned his family have thought the same.

Im married now , my husband has been in my sons life since he was 2 and my son knows no different. We are a happy family content with another two children added. We have a very stable home environment.

It would hurt my son terribly if he knew this so i have not told him. I ask nothing of his father , never have and have always taken the view that i need to let him decide through his own interactions and experiences how he feels about his dad and what contact he wants.

There is no possibility that he is not my child father. He is delusional and has convinced himself of a different version of reality when we were together. He was possesive and controlling and i ended up with no friends so never went anywere. He claims i was cheating whilst at work 🤯

I have no interest in speaking to the man and rarley do these days now my son is 12 so to have this message sent out the blue is very bizzare. He ranted through text message how i ruined his life ect. i never caused this man any harm, all i did was leave a dysfunctional relationship . I didnt want my son to grow up thinking this home environment was normal.

Im happy to have him out our life so have refused his ‘demand’ but worry about when my son starts to question why theres been no contact . What do i say? Do i give in to his fathers games for his sake ?

Thanks if you have gotten this far

OP posts:
FatherB · 08/11/2023 01:43

I'd just do it, if there's no chance your son isn't his then get it done. He's going to use your refusal as evidence that you cheated and that the child isn't his.

Ultimately for your son's sake I think it's better resolved than ignored because with all the best intentions you never know when tragedy will strike and if your ex or you happen to die before you can resolve it then your son will get the story of how you refused from either your ex's family or your ex and then he'll be confused himself about his heritage.

Better to just get it done, prove he's the father and move on, don't even let the underlying accusation bother you, you're happy now so who cares what he thinks happened or didn't happen. Provide the test to prove that he's the father, and then ask him to stop spreading rumours.

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/11/2023 01:48

If he wants to DNA test the child when on an access visit, you can't really stop him. You can certainly refuse to do one yourself (and pay for it?)

MintJulia · 08/11/2023 01:48

I'd agree to it, before your ds contacts his df and is told they aren't related.

It's hateful to have ex's nasty paranoia imposing on you, but the alternative may be more harmful for your ds.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/11/2023 02:01

I think I'd just do it too. The risk of not doing it is his Dad will say something to him now that he mustn't be his kid or you'd have done the test or if he stops seeing him and then reconnects in the future he could put it all on you and say if you'd just done the test he wouldn't have stopped seeing him. Even if he does none of those things it can really hurt to have that barely there parent leave you life completely. Happened to me at 11. As an adult I can see I was better off without them, but it still did a lot of damage at the time. This was from once a year school holiday contact with the occasional phone call, so less contact than it sounds like your son has.

Psychoticbreak · 08/11/2023 07:35

Get the dna test and then go with your proof to cms. That will soften his cough.

oldskoolchick · 08/11/2023 07:45

I would disagree and think about the impact of doing a dna test on a 12 year old. What feelings would this bring up for him knowing that this test is because his own biological father doesn't think he is his? It's different to doing a dna test on a baby.

HamSandwichKiller · 08/11/2023 07:47

I wouldn't put my kid through a pointless test that you'd have to explain for such a half-arsed father. If his dad wants to to it on his time he can have the awkward conversation himself and pay for it. I'd block him/disengage for a few months. His drama and nonsense will hopefully die down.

tribpot · 08/11/2023 07:49

It seems at least possible that he intends to provide a false DNA sample himself (from someone else?) to 'prove' you've been lying this whole time. I would be very concerned about him telling your son he isn't his father (either if you refuse the test or if he fakes the result).

wildwestpioneer · 08/11/2023 07:53

If you think your child would be upset about it, and going through the process would upset him, I'd not do it. If his df isn't in his life, then why does it matter. It's not going to impact contact or maintenance from your perspective. Your ds can get it done if he wants to when he's old enough to make the decision.

God knows why your ex is bringing this up now, seems such a bizarre thing to do from a none existent parent. Sounds like something has gone on in his life that's kicked it off. If there's no benefit to your ds or you, tell him to get fucked.

booksandbeans · 08/11/2023 07:55

Get the dna test, send it to him, his family & CMS. Cut him (& his family off) and move on. Your son does not need this toxic man\family in his life.

p.s. Will bet the dna query came from a family member or friend of us.

Theunamedcat · 08/11/2023 07:59

Go to child maintenance tell them he is disputing paternity get it done through them then it's official and regulated its unlikely he can get someone else to take it for him

Unless he is on the birth certificate?

WearyLady · 08/11/2023 08:09

I suspect that if you even suggest doing it through child maintenance he'll soon change his tune.

Fidgergarden · 08/11/2023 08:11

tribpot · 08/11/2023 07:49

It seems at least possible that he intends to provide a false DNA sample himself (from someone else?) to 'prove' you've been lying this whole time. I would be very concerned about him telling your son he isn't his father (either if you refuse the test or if he fakes the result).

I was all for agreeing with the others but this is worth considering I think.

Morecladding · 08/11/2023 08:16

I agree that he is likely planning to falsify the test to make you look like a bad person and wash his hands of your son. I would agree but it needs to be either a legal DNA test, from one of the approved testing centers on the Gov UK website or through CMS. And obviously he should pay.

Saschka · 08/11/2023 08:19

Why do you need to be involved here? Is he asking you because he doesn’t actually have any contact time with your DS, so he can’t do it himself?

If he’s already not paying maintenance and not seeing your son, I can’t see any point in agreeing to this. He is just trying to cause more trouble. He isn’t going to turn into an engaged, loving father if the test is positive.

I’d just block him, myself. If he is sending you ranting texts about you ruining his life by leaving him (twelve years ago!) I can’t see you are going to achieve anything useful by continuing contact with him.

tescocreditcard · 08/11/2023 08:23

When you say his father saw him do you mean he had a contact visit with him, or, he just "saw him"?

Kittenkitty · 08/11/2023 08:25

I’d offer to do it through CMS. I doubt he’ll agree. If he does agree I’d just explain a limited amount of the facts to my son. - “Dad and me and have been in touch with CMS and it might mean we can make a formal arrangement for child maintenance. It’s been requested that we do a DNA test, but I thought I’d ask you how you feel about all that? You can choose what you think is best, I don’t mind either way”

frenchfries111 · 08/11/2023 08:30

Sounds like he’s trying to create some backstory where you are to blame for all his life troubles.
id get it done and then block him permanently. It’s not like he can use it to start making a relationship can he, he’s messed that up himself already.

Getting it done through the CMS is a good one to avoid any trickery. If it means he has to pay he’ll probably change his mind anyway.

PurpleBugz · 08/11/2023 09:37

Do the test. You have to have no reason that can put fault on your for why contact has been shit. If you refuse the test to your idiot ex that's the same as saying the kids not his. And he will blame you to your child in years to come.

Do the test then claim child maintenance. Don't think you are taking a moral stance not claiming as it's money for your child

crackofdoom · 08/11/2023 09:47

Yep, get it done through CMS. If it turns out that he is the father he has to pay for it 😏

ElleCapitaine · 08/11/2023 09:59

crackofdoom · 08/11/2023 09:47

Yep, get it done through CMS. If it turns out that he is the father he has to pay for it 😏

Absolutely do this. Agree to it enthusiastically, “I think this is a great idea. It will put any doubts you have to bed once and for all. I will book an appointment through the CMS as that’s official and the best way to make sure we can’t falsify the results. I’ve been on the website and the following dates are available - which one suits you best? It will be such a weight off my mind to know that you will finally have to contribute to our son’s upbringing. Thanks for raising this - really looking forward to resolving the issue and addressing your concerns”. Bet he scuttles back under his rock pronto.

If he does agree, tell your son that you have all agreed to do the test because someone in his father’s family questioned the paternity and his dad wanted to prove that he’s his father.

3peassuit · 08/11/2023 10:08

What a horrible man and useless father. Put him a cms claim and let them arrange for dna testing.

Mamette · 08/11/2023 10:13

ElleCapitaine · 08/11/2023 09:59

Absolutely do this. Agree to it enthusiastically, “I think this is a great idea. It will put any doubts you have to bed once and for all. I will book an appointment through the CMS as that’s official and the best way to make sure we can’t falsify the results. I’ve been on the website and the following dates are available - which one suits you best? It will be such a weight off my mind to know that you will finally have to contribute to our son’s upbringing. Thanks for raising this - really looking forward to resolving the issue and addressing your concerns”. Bet he scuttles back under his rock pronto.

If he does agree, tell your son that you have all agreed to do the test because someone in his father’s family questioned the paternity and his dad wanted to prove that he’s his father.

Show quote history

Definitely agree with this. At the every least I would get involved with the test and ensure it’s all above board.

AuntieStella · 08/11/2023 10:20

I agree with other posters.

Get it done through CMS (to minimise his chances of falsifying his sample) or an appointment you attend together at an accredited lab.

Yes, it's shit for DS to find out his father is doing this, but I think it would be even worse if he found out "She refused the test, so she must have something to hide; I'm not the father" (either by hearing something along those lines directly, or contact ending and that being the reason offered up at some point)

WoolyMammoth55 · 08/11/2023 10:28

Kittenkitty · 08/11/2023 08:25

I’d offer to do it through CMS. I doubt he’ll agree. If he does agree I’d just explain a limited amount of the facts to my son. - “Dad and me and have been in touch with CMS and it might mean we can make a formal arrangement for child maintenance. It’s been requested that we do a DNA test, but I thought I’d ask you how you feel about all that? You can choose what you think is best, I don’t mind either way”

Hi OP, I do think that the MOST IMPORTANT thing here is what effect this situation has on your son.

@Kittenkitty has shared some great language - make your sone aware of what's happening, in an age-appropriate way that isn't hostile or blaming of his dad, but keeps him in the loop.

This is also beneficial because it means that if his dad does contact him directly with some half-baked toxic version of events, you'll already have told him what's going on.

I've seen really lovely kids have very tough teenage years with drugs, truancy, petty crime etc as a result of trauma in the family so don't risk this happening with your boy - make sure he trusts you to tell him the truth about important stuff.

Best of luck.