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Decide It's all over. Want SS to take him.

97 replies

Spopssas · 27/10/2023 02:10

I'm a shit mother.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 27/10/2023 07:05

Insomnia is grim. Torture actually. I could go 3 days without getting to sleep and then my love affair with zopiclone began. 10 years now, on and off the zopi, a wine substitute i guess. I also had (can still get when stressed) intrusive thoughts. I have overcome diagnosed PTSD. I rarely take zopi nowadays and that is mainly thanks to sertraline which largely stopped the intrusive thoughts and the checking, and because I was much more regulated during the day, I was more able to relax in the evening and sleep at night. I guess I'm asking if you take any meds or would take them to stop the self medication at night? I can tell you now, amongst my friends, a bottle a night isn't unheard of. They know they have or are developing a dependency on it and some have managed to reduce it but it happens. Please don't write yourself off. Don't be mean to yourself, it doesn't help you or the situation you're in, it makes it worse. 💐

Changeling78 · 27/10/2023 07:07

There is an awful lot of self pity here, I really feel sorry for your son. I’m sure he’d be devastated that you don’t want to fight for him.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/10/2023 07:09

There's a lot of knowledge on this thread but you aren't giving any detail that could help anyone to help you. If you just want to moan that's fine but I'll bow out because this is a waste of time.

Spopssas · 27/10/2023 07:12

Bellac, you actually panicked? Initially? What, like after a sentence you didn't read correctly and misinterpreted? You thought I was a foster carer? Really? You need serious help.

OP posts:
Spopssas · 27/10/2023 07:12

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/10/2023 07:09

There's a lot of knowledge on this thread but you aren't giving any detail that could help anyone to help you. If you just want to moan that's fine but I'll bow out because this is a waste of time.

Me too. Hopeless.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 27/10/2023 07:14

Spopssas · 27/10/2023 06:18

Is AD like St Mary's Ascot? I remember it well.

Edited

Haha.

I hope you’re getting some sleep now. I think the chances of your son being removed are close to zero, so you’re gonna have to stop fantasising about that and deal with stuff.

Hopefully you’re getting some sleep. When you wake up it would be useful if you can call provide some more info so people can help more

How and why did SS get involved? You mention them suggesting he be registered as a young carer - why is this? Give more detail than a bottle of wine a day - this seems unlikely to be the whole story.

What else is going on in your life? You mention needing an employment lawyer

theduchessofspork · 27/10/2023 07:17

stickssss · 27/10/2023 06:00

Hi OP, sounds like things are really tough right now, and I'm sorry you're feeling judged and unsupported by the professional with the word support in their job title.

It does sound like you have an alcohol dependency. I wonder if there is a local drug and alcohol service near you that you could talk to about what alcohol dependency is, and what it means to you?

If you've been drinking daily for a long time your body will need a certain amount of alcohol for you to not enter withdrawal. You can't stop drinking completely immediately, this is really dangerous and you could become very unwell. Drink just enough, at what is a maintenance level, to stop withdrawal symptoms, such as sweating, shaking, palpitations etc.

You need the psychological support from someone experienced in addiction as this is often harder to manage and change than the physical need. Alcohol is an unhelpful friend that lulls you into thinking it can help you. It can't, as another poster said, it is a depressant and will make you feel worse. Please seek support from AA, but also professional and medical advice and look at a reduction plan.

I'm a CP social worker and no way would I consider removing what sounds like a teen from you, unless there is significant impact on him that can be evidenced. I would look at a network safety plan for him. Who can step in and care for him if you want to get intoxicated? Who are the safe and sober adults in your network that he can call if he needs help? I'd increase his understanding of addiction to ease his worries about what might be going on, rather than letting his imagination run to catastrophic thinking. Believe me, he knows you drink to excess and will have worries. But, age appropriate honesty and education will help him feel better.

The fact that you have a FSW suggests you want help which is a large part of your battle. Suggest that they refer to Social Care for a s.17 assessment to be completed of your child's needs. This needs to be with your consent. The only way Social Care can override your consent is under s.47 enquiries, which means professionals which will include social workers, police, education, health at a minimum, plus others such as your FSW feel the threshold to evidence significant harm is met. These enquiries may, or may not, result in a child protection conference being held and multi agency discussions and decisions made if he needs a child protection plan.

Equally, a SW won't just come and remove him from you. This would have to be with your consent under s.20 for him to be voluntarily accommodated, where you retain all PR and can withdraw your consent for this and request he is returned to your care. The other ways he could be removed from you are for example, if the police ended up visiting for any reason and they felt he was at immediate risk of harm, they could utilise their powers to protect for up to 72 hours, then a SW would find a suitable placement for him which you would be consulted about, ideally in his network, last resort would be foster carer. The other way he coul be removed is through a court order, which requires substantial information that evidences threshold is met to enter care proceedings, then a judge look at the evidence submitted and make an order if they feel necessary.

None of these options sound like where you are at, I just wanted you to understand how processes work and hopefully alleviate some fear. SW's are there to help, not battle against you. Honesty is always the best policy. No matter how bad you think things are, chances are the SW has heard worse.

First steps, speak to your GP for advice in a sleep hygiene routine. Insomnia is never helpful.

Take care OP, you sound like a caring and nurturing person in a difficult place right now.

And this is excellent helpful advice

WeeStyleIcon · 27/10/2023 07:21

I say this with nothing but support for you but I TRIED to arrange for ss to take my teenage son, not because I'm a shit mother but because he had become impossible. I had a fantasy that two burly gay men in a couple would take him and whip him in to shape. He had become so aggressive and disrespectful. Anyway, to cut a long story short I was quickly disabused of the fantasy that there'd be enough foster parents available to 'waste' on a defiant teenager.
Look after yourself first and foremost. There's a lot of ''quit lit'' out there now, listen to them on audio. So that you can do other things at the same time.
Always speak to yourself as though you're a friend that loves you. Look after yourself by being kind to yourself and helping yourself. Some things are hard, cutting down on drinking for one, but you can try. Try because your inner ''friend'' feels like you deserve to have an easier healthier life and a better relationship with your son. That's what I want too. X

WeeStyleIcon · 27/10/2023 07:24

here's a list

Even though I don't have a drinking problem i've listened to one of these because I loved another book by the same author. I don't know but I think if you listened to these, you might take something different from each one. I find audible credits work out cheaper than books.
Maybe the library could order a few?

11 quit lit books for sober curious and mindful drinkers

These are expert-recommended quit lit books that could help you reconsider your relationship with alcohol for good

https://www.womanandhome.com/health-wellbeing/quit-lit/

thermalvestwearer · 27/10/2023 07:26

@Spopssas what support network do you have?

CarrieMoonbeams · 27/10/2023 07:29

@Spopssas I'm late to this thread (although a fellow insomniac - haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since my mum's dementia diagnosis and eventual death last year), but I wanted to say that I picked up 3 things from your responses:

  1. you're a kind a caring person, going by your replies to some people.
  2. you've still got your sense of humour!
  3. you're a feisty wee bugger in some of your replies, so you've still got plenty of fight left in you.

I don't have any practical advice as I have no experience in this situation, but I do know that one of the hardest things sometimes is to accept help. At the moment you're saying "yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm shite, yes that's it, yup, absolutely terrible, yup that's me", and I do wonder if you're almost stopping yourself getting help because you're so pissed off!

I really hope you're able to get the help that you need (and to accept the help that you're offered!) and that things turn out well for you and your boy.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/10/2023 07:36

I am a retired SW. I rather suspect you have had a judgemental and jobsworth sort of FSW in your house. SS won't be removing a teen from you for drinking one bottle of wine a night unless there are other major issues. I know you don't owe any of us anything and that is your choice but if you felt like sharing more of what is going on for you perhaps people can try and support you. Absolutely your choice though.

liveforsummer · 27/10/2023 07:41

There will be social worker parents up and down the land drinking a bottle of wine a night alongside many other mothers from across the board of professions. In todays culture it's far from uncommon and far from a reason for social work involvement and removal on its own. Are they're younger dc as it also sounds like your son is not far off being an adult therefore highly unlikely removal

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/10/2023 07:48

i don’t know you but it sounds like what you’re experiencing as threats from the family social worker is the thing really getting to you right now. I’ve not experienced it myself but imagining what it might be like - a person in your home, all ‘nicey nice’, thinking they are ‘building a relationship’ with you so that words from them will mean something. I experience it in schools some times - a mix of toxic positivity, lack of self reflection on their part, and mistakenly thinking you should respect them because of their role. Human relationships are messy - you don’t trust her now if ever and she doesn’t know how to work with that. She may not even realise.

If she has to say ‘I’m not judging you’ something is going wrong. I imagine she’s only got a few things To offer you. Thing is, now that you’ve experienced her threatening you (even if she would say she never did that) you can’t accept her help without feeling coerced. And when did feeling forced into anything help anyone take a step towards feeling more free?

you sound like you feel trapped and judged and lonely and maybe like your ptsd has been triggered too? Do you have an employee assistance programme at work to get some free counselling? I feel like you need to feel there’s someone on your side for once who is going to treat you with respect. I don’t know how it works but can explain how this interaction has made you feel to social worker? Maybe call FamilyLine to see what they can advise.

Fwiw I doubt you’re a shit mother. Don’t internalise that. You’re angry cos you care. But you sound like you could use some proper help. Good luck.

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/10/2023 07:51

By the way some ppl on MN act personally offended when the OP doesn’t ‘take advice’ or ‘open up’ or ‘engage’. It’s weird. Then they lash out. Which presumably someone who posted in a vulnerable state would also take personally. So I hope you feel like you can come back and post here whenever. It’s just a forum for women to support each other after all.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/10/2023 07:56

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/10/2023 07:51

By the way some ppl on MN act personally offended when the OP doesn’t ‘take advice’ or ‘open up’ or ‘engage’. It’s weird. Then they lash out. Which presumably someone who posted in a vulnerable state would also take personally. So I hope you feel like you can come back and post here whenever. It’s just a forum for women to support each other after all.

Not taking anything personally, but I'm a social worker of many years and could probably help with some information but if OP won't even say how old her kid/s are there is nothing sensible to add. It's fine, she can just have a moan up if she wants, but some people who might be able to help, can't. 🤷🏼‍♀️

oatmilk4breakfast · 27/10/2023 08:04

Often see you here and you’re kind - sorry you have insomnia

Bigroundpear · 27/10/2023 08:22

@liveforsummer there are social workers who drink a bottle of wine a night, and there are social workers who are parents. I can’t imagine one who could do both! I couldn’t touch a drop when a practicing social worker as I was so flat out working!

Cornflowers35 · 27/10/2023 08:52

@Spopssas I hope you managed to get some sleep.

It's a beautiful autumnal day and a new day.

You don't sound like a rubbish mum. I would say if your DS wants friends over for a sleepover (with pizza) he thinks you're a pretty amazing mum. If he truly thought you were rubbish he probably wouldn't want them to come in even for a few minutes.

Being a single mum is a tough thankless task.

Can you treat yourself this morning to a coffee and a pastry (or something)? Then a walk with your DS?

Changeling78 · 27/10/2023 09:05

A sleepover with pizza is the new Stately homes apparently.

flapjackfairy · 27/10/2023 12:19

@bellac11
Oh okay thank you

Spopssas · 29/10/2023 01:37

Hello. Thank you.

Duchessofspork, your advice and knowledge is invaluable and informative, as is that of others. Thank you all so much.

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