Not sure how to navigate contact with STBXH and DC - long post, sorry

[ReySky]

I'm just looking for some advice on how to navigate contact between my DC (15 months and almost 4) and DH. We had been together 17 years when he upped and left when DC2 was around 9 weeks old last year. I did a separate thread on this at the time so won't do a massive backstory.

There has been some involvement with Women's Aid and I was offered a space in a refuge earlier this year, but it was a very unpleasant and hostile environment and I ended up sleeping on my mum and sister's living room floor for a while. Fast forward to now, DC and I are very blessed to have our own house through social housing which we moved into in July.

Contact is random and sporadic. He will see them maybe once a fortnight, at my home or meet us at the park. DS1 will always say when it's time to leave "can daddy come to ours / can I go in daddy's car".

Will try to summarise as briefly as possible. ExH smokes weed and I had also previously found various packets of prescription painkillers in his bag, not his. He has various mental health issues. Recently was signed off work for a month after driving his company car and saying he wanted to speed down a motorway during a manic episode. Has told me he has urges to crash car into a tree. DS1 is on waiting list for assessment for ADHD/ASD and can be quite hyperactive, ExH says this makes him feel manic. He never asks to speak to them on phone or anything, forgot all of their vaccination appointments etc. He has missed almost all of DS2's life, he wouldn't know what size his clothes or nappies are for example. Just sees them randomly (normally arranged a day or two before), he takes loads of videos and selfies with them and then clears off.

Anyway, I'm borrowing an old phone of his as mine broke. He thought he'd wiped it but there were a few days worth of WhatsApp photos/videos and some call recordings. Aside from confirming he was having a fling with his employee 18 years his junior while I hadn't even finished bleeding from emergency c section, there are call recordings where he was casually saying to his colleague he'd taken "7 or 8 codeine tablets" the night before whilst drinking and smoking weed and how much fun it was, so recreationally. Also that he smoked weed in the park after work with girlfriend and then drove home to us. Aside from this there were days where we'd arranged to take boys places and he'd said he had left things at work etc but he was with his girlfriend. He is oblivious to the fact I've found all of this. I have backed up call recordings.

I just don't know how to navigate contact. I've worked in family law for years and have seen a former colleague for legal advice a couple of times, but cannot afford to pursue a Court application and would rather not go down that route if I can avoid it. Should I insist on supervised contact / a contact centre? Speak with a Health Visitor so at least it's on record? Every time he contacts me to see the boys I feel sick because I can't bear to be around him, but equally I obviously don't want them in his car. I am not looking to obstruct the children's relationship with their father, despite my concerns about his inconsistency and instability, I just want it to be in their best interests.

So sorry for the length / incoherent rambling, but would appreciate any advice.

Can you just refuse contact? Would he take you to court for it?

I'd feel almost guilty doing that, and then I feel like it would just delay having to sort something out, if that makes sense. I worry the boys will grow up and think I stopped them seeing him, which ironically is what happened to ExH with his father. He did threaten Court action before but I knew he was bluffing as he said he would get Legal Aid, and I knew he wouldn't qualify.

The point is your DC are not safe with him OP. You need to safeguard them. First step is to tell your GP, DV support and any other agencies involved. DC should only have supervised access with him. It doesn't have to be you.

I don't know why you would want him present in DCs lives. He is a terrible role model for them and his inconsistency with behaviours and access will leave them confused or worse when they are older.

You're right, I think I'm just discouraged by the fact that if we're in company he acts like a Disney dad, making the boys laugh etc and outsiders think he's wonderful. He's very convincing. My previous Health Visitor was up to date with everything but has sadly left, I tried to speak to the new one I've been allocated but she was very much of the view that it would negatively affect the children to have no relationship with their father, and that they would resent me growing up. I haven't updated them with the latest information.

I also know he shaves his head a lot now, so drug testing would be tricky as I know it's done via hair strand testing and you have to have so many months' hair growth.

I've often thought about anonymously tipping off the Police about him driving under the influence, but I don't even know where he lives or when/where he works, beyond the company name.

Hopeful bump

I mean you know all the legal advice better than anyone else on here .. I feel women are conditioned to have a very low bar for acceptable contact .

you children are too young to know what’s best ..

Email his boss if he needs a car for work or uses theirs. and ring the police. He is a hazzard on our roads.. I reported exh for drink driving. No regrets. Keep your dc safe or you fail them. Offering them up to appease him is wrong. Ds doesn't know df is a twat..

His boss knows about his mental health and his manic episodes and his urges to drive dangerously, they told him not to drive his company car for a month. The trouble is his boss thinks he's wonderful and she said she was going to pay for his legal fees so he could get 50% custody, so not someone I'd approach really. I can't report him to Police as I've no idea where he lives, beyond somewhere in Wales, and no idea of his working pattern or location.

OP that's how you know it's abuse because if it was mental health, he would be like that all the time. But he's not, and he's using his masking tactic to make other people think he's reasonable when he's clearly not reasonable at all.

My advice having been through court and had social services do an assessment on my abusive ex that raised multiple safety concerns is court will see contact with the father as best for the kids. Fathers have to actually abuse their kids with undeniable evidence to have contact limited. My ex got unsupervised contact, yes he had to build up to it but he got it and I do wonder if I'd have not stopped contact if he would have just drifted off.

You say contact is sporadic so my advice is don't officially tell him no car journeys or unsupervised contact. Just set it up so you are always the one driving the kids and if you are not there it's a public place etc.

In an ideal world you would be able to protect your kids but this would is shit.

Keep all the evidence though so if I'm future he pushes for unsupervised and you feel you have to stop contact to protect the kids you can defend that decision in court

Feeling very anxious and sick with stress today. Had arranged to take boys to a pumpkin patch and meet ExH there. He was on the phone to me and then turned up outside my house, said he wanted to take DS1 in his car. I felt panicked and said it would be easier to take in mine because of car seats etc and he really kicked off saying he's done with me etc, then drove off then sent me an angry voice message saying I'm disgusting, I'm ruining his life and he's taking me to Court and that he wants his phone back that I'm borrowing. I haven't been able to eat at all, I hate this constant stress. Sorry for ranting ☹️

OP he is deliberately changing plans etc so that he can upset you and keep you on edge. I wouldn't make any more joint plans with him because he's just going to manipulate you every chance he gets. He's continuing the abuse and will do every chance he gets. Can you get a second hand phone or borrow one off a friend so you can give his back? How is it his OP if you are married?

OP if you haven't accused him of DV and gone to the police then he has to ask you to attend mediation before going to Court.

Go to mediation.

There are different ways you can tackle mediation with him. You can decide to do shuttle mediation if you cannot be in the room with him.

An important point I should make is that most people's mediation takes the best part of a year and loads of lawyers insist on you doing it.

@PurpleBugz has basically told you how the Courts will see it.

Remember a mediated agreement is not legally enforceable until it is a Court has turned it into an order. Do what you can so it isn't turned into an order as he will use it to screw your head.

Tell him you have downloaded everything on his phone and kept a backup—or tell him you lost his phone but keep it. Either way let him know you have proof of his drug driving.

OP shouldn't say anything unless she wants him to try to accuse her of blackmail or coercive control.

The Family Court is f*@£ing weird. You aren't allowed to go through another adult's phone or letters without their proven permission, even if they basically put them in your hands.

He gave her the phone though so she would have no choice in seeing what is stored there. How could he turn it around?

Thanks for your replies. I feel very awkward and guilty, even, because I never replied to his angry voice message or the message asking for his phone to be dropped at his mum's. I've dropped it off anyway. I'm not sure whether I should reply, or just chat with a Health Visitor tomorrow and see what she says. I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. I think he does love and miss the boys really, and I don't want the boys to grow up resenting me for being a barrier to then seeing their father. It's such a messy situation.

Regarding his call recordings etc, I did actually stumble across them by accident, and obviously he'd told me he'd wiped the phone, but happened to click on an audio file where he was laughing about trying not to let his manager know he had been smoking weed before driving home. But yeah, not sure what the stance is with them being used as evidence.

Sorry I'm bumping my own thread with an update.

I rang ExH this morning to explain why I didn't feel comfortable with him taking DC in his car, said that I've found evidence of his drug driving and using prescription drugs recreationally. He said I don't understand his mental illness, I'm toxic and he hates me, I've ruined his life and never to contact him again. Then sent me a lengthy email saying I'm nasty and he's not my friend, and that he's taking both of the boys in his car on Friday without me. I don't know what to do now, obviously I can say no but without a Court Order in place I can't physically stop him, apart from not being at home when he turns up. I can't bear the thought of them being in the car with him, I'll be worried sick.

Is it not time for a conversation with your local police team? You have evidence of him driving illegally. I seems to be the only responsible option left especially as you are worried about your DC. Are you worried that he takes drugs while they are in his care?

apart from not being at home when he turns up.

To avoid conflict around your children you are going to have to do this. If possible also disappear on Saturday as well for the full day.

Btw did he clearly say in his email rant that he does the things you said he does? As if he has he's you have something to show people e.g. police

Time for a weekend away. Don’t tell anyway where you’re going if they might pass the info on to him.

No, he didn't acknowledge it in the email. I tried to record our call this morning but unfortunately it hasn't worked and it's just radio silence, which is a shame. I was pleasant on the phone, not hostile and did say to him that I am not trying to stop him having a relationship with the boys but he just started ranting and raving. I said to him to see things from my perspective and that if it was the other way round I'm sure he'd feel the same. But he just said "yeah well I've only been awake five minutes so see things from my side instead".

I just worry being out of the house is going to antagonise him further and just delay sorting things out. Must speak with HV, if only to keep a log of things.

It does seem like things are escalating. Are you still in touch with domestic abuse services? I think it's time for a risk assessment OP.

It does feel like that. I feel very on edge and vulnerable, my heart is constantly racing.

I'm not in contact with Women's Aid anymore, haven't been since around February or March of this year.

I just worry being out of the house is going to antagonise him further and just delay sorting things out.

You need to keep your children safe that is your first job.

Do you have a ring doorbell (or similar) or simply nosy neighbours?

As if he damages your property or attempts to break in, then you have actual evidence to use to keep him away from your property completely. This means you would have to take your children somewhere then collect them from somewhere.