Not sure how to navigate contact with STBXH and DC - long post, sorry

[ReySky]

I'm just looking for some advice on how to navigate contact between my DC (15 months and almost 4) and DH. We had been together 17 years when he upped and left when DC2 was around 9 weeks old last year. I did a separate thread on this at the time so won't do a massive backstory.

There has been some involvement with Women's Aid and I was offered a space in a refuge earlier this year, but it was a very unpleasant and hostile environment and I ended up sleeping on my mum and sister's living room floor for a while. Fast forward to now, DC and I are very blessed to have our own house through social housing which we moved into in July.

Contact is random and sporadic. He will see them maybe once a fortnight, at my home or meet us at the park. DS1 will always say when it's time to leave "can daddy come to ours / can I go in daddy's car".

Will try to summarise as briefly as possible. ExH smokes weed and I had also previously found various packets of prescription painkillers in his bag, not his. He has various mental health issues. Recently was signed off work for a month after driving his company car and saying he wanted to speed down a motorway during a manic episode. Has told me he has urges to crash car into a tree. DS1 is on waiting list for assessment for ADHD/ASD and can be quite hyperactive, ExH says this makes him feel manic. He never asks to speak to them on phone or anything, forgot all of their vaccination appointments etc. He has missed almost all of DS2's life, he wouldn't know what size his clothes or nappies are for example. Just sees them randomly (normally arranged a day or two before), he takes loads of videos and selfies with them and then clears off.

Anyway, I'm borrowing an old phone of his as mine broke. He thought he'd wiped it but there were a few days worth of WhatsApp photos/videos and some call recordings. Aside from confirming he was having a fling with his employee 18 years his junior while I hadn't even finished bleeding from emergency c section, there are call recordings where he was casually saying to his colleague he'd taken "7 or 8 codeine tablets" the night before whilst drinking and smoking weed and how much fun it was, so recreationally. Also that he smoked weed in the park after work with girlfriend and then drove home to us. Aside from this there were days where we'd arranged to take boys places and he'd said he had left things at work etc but he was with his girlfriend. He is oblivious to the fact I've found all of this. I have backed up call recordings.

I just don't know how to navigate contact. I've worked in family law for years and have seen a former colleague for legal advice a couple of times, but cannot afford to pursue a Court application and would rather not go down that route if I can avoid it. Should I insist on supervised contact / a contact centre? Speak with a Health Visitor so at least it's on record? Every time he contacts me to see the boys I feel sick because I can't bear to be around him, but equally I obviously don't want them in his car. I am not looking to obstruct the children's relationship with their father, despite my concerns about his inconsistency and instability, I just want it to be in their best interests.

So sorry for the length / incoherent rambling, but would appreciate any advice.

You're right. I just keep doubting myself and don't feel very strong.

I don't have a ring doorbell or neighbours I talk to really, but I genuinely don't think he'd do anything like that as he's quite careful to maintain his public good guy image.

Have you got his car reg? Report him to the police for drug driving.. They will keep an eye for his car.. My ex was pulled over and they didn't tell him it was me obviously! Lost his licence for a year... Your dc may love him. They don't deserve to be killed in his car though so they?

Yes I did look at the Crimestoppers website where you can anonymously report drug/drink drivers but it wants address details etc and I don't have them, I don't know when or where he drives. I imagine now I've called him out he'll be on best behaviour for now.

Almost more so than the drug driving, what concerns me is his mental health issues, things like saying he wants to drive into a tree, someone had to hide his car keys from him a little while ago during a manic episode, and the incident where he was signed off work after saying he wanted to go speeding down the motorway. He did crash into someone's car last month when he was talking on the phone to me (I didn't know he was driving till he told me he's crashed). Despite all of this, his work are happy to let him keep driving his company car which baffles me. He's just very unstable and unpredictable.

OP please get back in touch with Women's Aid. They will support you through this with advice and proper counselling

Sorry to bump again.

After my last update, ExH ended up cancelling via his mum, saying he was ill. Then later that day there was a knock at my door, I answered it and it was him. He just said "I'm not here to argue" and gave me his phone that he'd demanded back. Then he got teary and left.

I messaged him a few days ago to say DS1 is starting nursery in a couple of weeks and I've had no reply, and no further mention of any contact. It's just all so sporadic and unstable, I'm not sure if I should be doing more to facilitate contact, maybe via his mum as I don't particularly want to engage with him directly. Or should I just leave it up to him? DS1 has mentioned daddy a few times this week and it breaks my heart and makes me think perhaps I should be doing more to instigate contact. ExH already thinks I'm withholding the boys from him but I want them to have a relationship. I just don't want them in his car, at the moment anyway.

I did ring Women's Aid for some advice and she said she had a lot of concerns about him especially given that he's mentioned being suicidal.

Sorry for another brain dump. It's all making me feel very unwell, every time I look at my phone I'm anxious in case he's sent an angry message or tried to ring me, every time I hear a car outside I think it might be his. I wish he was more reasonable so I could talk to him but he just flies off the handle. I am carrying so much guilt about it all too, for my ExH having limited contact and for the boys, certainly DS1, being confused and upset about it all.

He isn't reasonable.

Contact with him is likely to leave your children confused.

In addition, he is quite likely to do dangerous things with them.

In your shoes I would not initiate contact.

As you have found out, if you try to talk to him he will either deny that he does anything dangerous or react with anger. So don't try to talk to him. He isn't going to accept your boundaries because he is unreasonable.

With a bit of luck he will mostly forget about you all and you can live a safe and happy life.

You’re in a really difficult situation and you have everyone’s support.

Because of all the stress you’re under, it’s natural that you are very confused and keep what you want to do. It’s really important that, instead of just thinking about what your XP is doing, you start to make a plan. You’re not going to get more useful information about him, it’s just detail. You have all the important facts, so start to take control.

You have 3 priorities:

1. to keep your children safe
2. to manage your own mental health so that you can give your children a happy home life
3. to allow your XP access if and when it’s best for your children.

To keep your children safe, stop having any contact with your XP except about arrangements for future, safe access. It will take you several weeks to sort this out, so no contact till then. Send him one message that you’re getting advice and will get back in touch later. Don’t reply to other texts and don’t let him in your house.

Your older DC will ask to see his dad, go in his car etc but he’s a child, you’re the one who knows what’s best for him. Don’t beat yourself up about this.

Manage your own mental health by taking control. Talk to your HV and any other agency that can support you. Spend good times with your DC without involving your ex.

Report him for drug use etc but don’t get drawn into anything more than a report.

To allow your ex limited access in the future, this will probably have to be supervised by a third party, that is, not you. Find out what your HV or others can offer for this. Avoid his family being the ones supervising as they’re on his side. You need someone neutral.

Think out your plan and write it down and put it into action. Then stop thinking about it and concentrate on your DC and yourself. Build a great life for you all. That would help your DC the most.

This was so useful, thank you so much. Everything feels very confusing and hazy and I keep doubting myself, and seeing it written down like that has helped me to see things more clearly. Thank you.

Honeysuckle’s advice was excellent! I hope it helps. I wanted to add that with respect to your ex always remember he is not your problem. You and the children must be safe. Take care of yourself and your mental health first. Then focus on your children.

Hiya I've had something similar granted my ex is not as bad as yours but their safety and his driving are both concerns (see my thread 'ex dp burnt my baby')

With the car it's an absolute no- I would tell the dc 'daddy's car isn't safe for children so we don't go in it.' I imagine he doesn't have a car seat etc. Makes it less personal/they don't need to know reasons.

My ex is now doing semi supervised contact in that he takes baby to childrens centre stay and play sessions. I suggested we went to one together and luckily he enjoyed it so I was half able to make him think this was his idea. I feel reassured as he is in a safe environment and also I think it's good for ex p to have that exposure to parents and other professionals so he can have those parent to parent chats that I get to have. I also get a little break weekly and don't have to invite him into my home so win win.

Ps very interesting re your new health visitor mine was exactly the same very firm that baby needs to know father and quite dismissive of concerns I found midwives and gp much more understanding

Sorry for bumping my own thread, but there's been a few developments and I'd really appreciate any opinions.

ExH was arrested a few weeks back after a cyclist rode her bike into his company car while he was driving, he failed a roadside drugs test, has had to have a blood test done which he is still awaiting results for but told me he'd taken ketamine and cannabis the night before. Not sure what chances are of the blood test being positive as know there's a certain threshold, but have to wait and see. His work have revoked access to his company car for time being and he's currently living with a friend (also very unstable and who uses drugs). He still has various mental health issues which he is in therapy for.

Contact has continued to be once or twice a week for a couple of hours in my home with me present. He pays maintenance and last month paid me £40 in addition so is good in that sense although he does make sure I know about the money and has said before he pays it so he doesn't look bad.

Anyway without wanting to ramble on too much, he messaged me a few hours ago and has asked if he can take eldest on a train tomorrow somewhere about 40 minutes away where his favourite park is. I am completely stumped about what to do. I think my eldest would love it and I don't want to interfere with him having a relationship with him (every time ExH comes round, eldest says he wants to live with him etc and ExH whispered to him, eldest later told me he'd said "next time I see you it'll be without mummy") but obviously feel a bit sketchy just because of his issues. Despite everything I feel sorry for ex and I have people pleasing tendencies so I am hoping an outsider can offer their perspective on what to do. I would be grateful for any adcice or opinions.

Thank you

When he agrees to drug testing via court he sees he dc surely? Bunging you cash doesn't mean he is clean.

@Coldinscotland So sorry if I'm being a bit dim but I'm not sure what you're asking. The drugs test he's had done was at the police station following his arrest - there are no Court proceedings.

I realise what you mean now, sorry.

I'm a bit confused by it all as his drug use is almost my second worry after his mental health issues / instability, so even if he got clear results I'd still be concerned. For example, to show me how bad his mental health has got he sent me a video of him driving down a motorway simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically. I'm worried his drug use has caused psychological damage. Also worries me that he says the behaviour of our eldest (suspected adhd / autism) makes him feel manic.

Can you offer something that isn't a 40 mins train ride away like a trip to a nearer park? That is in walking distance? Or is there some soft play or something DS loves doing that is nearby and you could say to him " great idea to spend time with DS but he would love to do xxx with you so why don't you do that"

That way you are nearby and able to keep an eye on things. But this is only if you think he's safe.

Keeping your dc safe - and alive - is more important than a trip out with a flakey df

I would say no to the unsupervised visit citing his recent drug issues. Is there someone else that you TRUST to supervise? His mum for example?

I've tried that before and he says I'm being controlling and he'll see me in Court etc. I do want the boys to have contact with him, I just want them to be safe. I've replied suggesting soft play, thank you, don't know why I haven't thought of that before.

He won't set foot in a court with his habits.. Why do you think he is suitable to be any sort of role model for your dc?

He is attending drug rehab (in his words so it'll look better on him if things go to Court) and he puts on such a good act that I think he would win the authorities over, and also as the Health Visitor has said its more detrimental to the boys not to have a relationship with him, I don't feel very confident. When he's here he's forever taking videos and selfies with them, I can tell when he's taking a video of them even if I'm not in the room as he puts on this doting dad act and a different voice etc.

Stupid, manipulative people always say you are “controlling”—why is that a problem? you are fucking right Im controlling where/when/who/why a drug addicted head case has access to vulnerable children. I wouldn’t care if he called me a zuchinni or a duchess or a bitch, let alone controlling. Who cares? Drug driving asshole is not safe to take child 40 minutes away by train or any other way. The man is not safe—not the method of transport.

There is no court order. Don’t do anything unless there is. Practice being bored and just turn him down flat. Don’t justify, argue, demand or explain (JADE) just say no, that doesn’t work for us.

Drug tests don't lie. Never hand your dc over willingly.