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Original poster

Ex now wants to be involved

27 replies

Millermillermiller232323 · 07/10/2023 13:44

Hello

a few years ago I was seeing someone and fell pregnant, he stated get rid and have a termination. I kept baby and he’s now 2.

I never told ex anything about baby as he was not interested and kept accusing of sleeping with others.

he has seen pictures of son on wassap and said son looks like his 15 year old daughter.

it seems he is now wanting to know him

im not sure what to do as he was absent including pregnancy for 3 years.

I don’t want to withhold child from seeing him but it’s at a cost.

what if he applies for custody?

I have been single parent for all this time

family are a bit against him being involved at this stage, maybe because of what ex put me through

OP posts:
Mummyboy1 · 07/10/2023 13:50

Well unless he's abusive, on drugs etc then I think it's in your son best interest to be able to get to know his dad.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 07/10/2023 13:53

Give him a chance to see your son (with you or someone else present - after all, this man is a stranger to your boy). IF he applies for custody, he won't get it. He hasn't been in your boy's life all this time, so knows nothing about him.

What kind of a father has he been to his 15 year old?

Original poster
Millermillermiller232323 · 07/10/2023 14:35

I carried out a Clare’s law disclosure and things came back. But I know people can change, and some can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millermillermiller232323 · 07/10/2023 14:36

He sees her but complications with the mother

OP posts:
Burntouted · 08/10/2023 04:01

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BruceAndNosh · 08/10/2023 07:52

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What an unhelpful post, in several ways

Icedlatteplease · 08/10/2023 08:03

Millermillermiller232323 · 07/10/2023 14:35

I carried out a Clare’s law disclosure and things came back. But I know people can change, and some can’t.

If something serious came up in a claires law disclosure I would wait until it went to court before I even acknowledged any request for contact. Then I would be arguing for indirect contact for as much time as possible

Tbh at this point I would be changing my number and doing a bunk

Icedlatteplease · 08/10/2023 08:04

Millermillermiller232323 · 07/10/2023 14:35

I carried out a Clare’s law disclosure and things came back. But I know people can change, and some can’t.

People don't change.

Original poster
Millermillermiller232323 · 08/10/2023 08:05

Not true actually, as as stated items came back from a Clare’s Law disclosure of past incidents of relationships and issues. Was warned not to continue with this as a result of disclosure.

maybe my initial post was not clear in that, but I thought I had addressed this in the last two comments.

I and my son are not tied to anyone.

and how dare you tell me in future not to go ahead with a pregnancy. Not really your place.

Maybe it was not meant in such a rude manner, but this is how it come across. But thank you for your thoughts and response anyway.

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 08/10/2023 08:07

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Did you miss the Claires Law disclosure?!?!?!

Mindymomo · 08/10/2023 08:14

Presumably he’s seen photos of child before now and not wanted to get involved, but now baby is older and he can see a resemblance to his other child, he wants to be involved, it would be a no from me. Let him pay for DNA tests and go from there, there was no trust between you when you fell pregnant, it would take a lot for me to get past that, let him take it to court if necessary.

RowenaEllis · 08/10/2023 08:14

He has a history of domestic violence?

How recent was the police involvement? Is his contact with his older child managed by others? Probably not supervised now but was it previously when she was younger?
Do you have anyone in your network who could supervise some minimal contact? I would probably consider offering an hour a week supervised and if he commits to that for 6 months then consider increasing. He probably won't to be realistic.

Theunamedcat · 08/10/2023 08:17

Has he even asked to see the child?

Why are you still in touch with an abuser

WandaWonder · 08/10/2023 08:24

Well what did you expect maybe you should have checked him out before having a baby, a baby has 2 parents and sure he sounds not nice but you made the choice to have a baby with him, same and thousands and thousands of babies born in this situation again and again

Original poster
Millermillermiller232323 · 08/10/2023 08:27

I’m not still in touch thank you very much

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 08/10/2023 08:27

If he has a domestic abuse history, and your relationship with him was abusive, then in your position I wouldn’t be offering him contact with my child. For me there is too much risk to your son.

I think that it’s really unlikely that he would take it to court. The process is long, can be expensive, and he will be aware that it’ll bring up lots of questions about his history and why he hasn’t seen ds for so long.

If you do want to let him have some contact with ds then I’d try and do it in a way that it is supervised by someone other than you.

WhoWhereHow · 08/10/2023 08:27

I'm sorry this must be very stressful.

It depends whether he would be considered a danger - which may be the case depending what's in the Claires Law disclosure.

If he's not deemed a risk to the child, and he took it to court, he is highly likely to get some form of access.

Coffeesnob11 · 08/10/2023 08:28

Is he named on the birth certificate. You could consider 3 options
Ignore him and he might go away
Tell him to take you to court
Tell him he can see your child in a contact centre to start with. (He probably won't pay)

I know its easy to think the worst but in reality he probably won't bother to take you to court as he knows what's on his record.

Original poster
Millermillermiller232323 · 08/10/2023 08:29

WandaWonder · 08/10/2023 08:24

Well what did you expect maybe you should have checked him out before having a baby, a baby has 2 parents and sure he sounds not nice but you made the choice to have a baby with him, same and thousands and thousands of babies born in this situation again and again

wow just wow

OP posts:
Velvian · 08/10/2023 08:31

That's a disgusting attitude @Burntouted . Abortions aren't a contraception option for the whims of feckless men.

Men need to learn to control their own fertility.

anareen · 08/10/2023 08:34

That is so tough! I am so sorry you and your son are going through this!

I would test waters without him having contact at first. Idk how you can do this but my thought is how do you know he will be a consistent and positive role model in DS life and not just hop ship again. Until I felt positive about that only then would I consider slowly introducing.

handyandie · 08/10/2023 08:37

@Burntouted "In the future, please don't intentionally continue a pregnancy knowing that the other party doesn't want to be involved."

What the hell is wrong with you, this is the lone parent forum, do you go on to every post and give a lecture to tell people they should have known better. Ridiculous.

Icedlatteplease · 08/10/2023 08:43

WandaWonder · 08/10/2023 08:24

Well what did you expect maybe you should have checked him out before having a baby, a baby has 2 parents and sure he sounds not nice but you made the choice to have a baby with him, same and thousands and thousands of babies born in this situation again and again

Well it's that a joyful attitude. .

10 years i was with ExH, I knew him for 15 . Slowly got more more emotionally and financially abusive by then i was so wretched and confused i had no clue what was going on. It was actually only when I stopped being the downtrodden good little wife it got exceptionally dangerous for me and DCs.

Abusive men don't come with a label on their heads. Be a hell of a lot easier if they did

amiold · 08/10/2023 08:43

Does he provide for his child? That would be a good starting point instead of him thinking he can just have access now he's decided

windywalk · 08/10/2023 09:58

I was solo until my daughter was 2.5.

Gave her Dad a second chance, tried to prove everyone wrong.

Worse 4 years of my life and hers.

We are almost 5 out of it and I just feel sick with myself looking back and wonder how different life would be if I had told him to fuck off.

Sometimes you don't see how mad situations are until you get out of them.

I am now solo with 2 daughters and wouldn't change them.

I always knew it would be me and the girls so made peace with that but I've definitely not taken the easy path!