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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is it wrong to change my dd's name?

43 replies

amfay · 27/02/2008 10:29

When dd was born (she's now almost 9 months) I thought it was right that she had her daddy's name, he has a son too so the three of them have the same name. Now it's just going to be me and her I think maybe it would be better for her to have my name? She will see him but I just think when she starts school it will be easier if her name is the same as mine. Has anyone changed their child's name? Is it even the right thing to do?

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mysonsmummy · 27/02/2008 10:35

WOW YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ME three years ago. same situ - i decdied to change his name before he started school so there was no confusion for him. i knew by then his dad was not going to be around. just went to a solicitors and paid £40. and then used the certifed copies she gave me to let everyone know. if you have any questions just ask?

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 10:58

The thing is her dad is going to be around, he wants to see her as much as possible and for his son to maintain a relationship with her. Personally, I would be happier with both of them out of her life and mine but I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do for her sake.

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mysonsmummy · 27/02/2008 11:03

oh i see mine was different - i knew he was never going to be a dad that was in his life full time. i know though that i didnt do it out of anger just that once he started school i would have felt it was too late to change it. he doesnt remember his old name but when he gets older i will have to tell him as its still on his birth certificate.

i do think that if his dad was going to have regular contact i might have left it.

that doesnt help you though.

why have you changed your mind since you gave her his name?

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:10

Because we're splitting up. We split before I found out I was pregnant and thb I really didn't even want to tell him (I know that wouldn't have been very realistic, we live in a small town and he would have noticed eventually!) but a friend told him and we ended up getting back together. I moved back into his house with him and his son and everything was great while I was pregnant and the first few months after dd was born, but the same old reasons why we split in the first place started surfacing a couple of months ago and now it over, again. I wish that I had stayed on my own when I was pregnant because at least I would have got used to being a single parent by now. Anyway, dd and I are moving back into my flat and even though he'll see her, I thought it might be better for her to have my name?

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chipkid · 27/02/2008 11:23

You have to be careful about this. If your ex has parental responsibility for the child then you cannot change her name without his consent.

Even if he doesn't have Parental Responsibility and he objects to any name change he can apply to Court for either a prohibited steps order to prevent a change or a specific issue order if the name has already been changed forcing you to change it back.

Courts are very reluctant to allow name changes in the circumstances that you suggest. Get his consent if you can

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:25

OK, now I'm going to sound really stupid but what exactly does parental responsibility entail?

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chipkid · 27/02/2008 11:31

Parental responsibility is acquired automatically by a father married to the child's mother. Also if the child was born after the 30th December 2003 (I think!!) and the father is named on the birth certificate then the father also automatically acquires parental responsibility. It is legal recognition that he is the child's father and provides him with a say in matters of the child's upbringing-including the child's surname

hereagain · 27/02/2008 11:34

Can you double-barrell the surname so that she has both your names? (or do they not 'go' together)

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:36

Thanks chipkid. No, we're not married but she was born in 07 and he's on the birth certificate. He'd definitely object to me changing her name. Do I have to tell him I've done it?

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Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:38

I had considered that hereagain but it would be a real mouthful and she's probably be in year 3 before she mastered writing it!

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chipkid · 27/02/2008 11:40

he will find out as sure as eggs are eggs! When he does he will most probably see a solicitor about changing it back. As I said Courts donot take kindly to changing surnames post-separation. The half-way house is as earlier said-try and double barrel. Maybe he would agree to that.

MissingMyHeels · 27/02/2008 11:43

I absolutely wouldn't change it, especially if he is still going to be in his life.

My best friend had her name changed when she was 2 so it was the same as her Mums when her parents split up. Her Mum then got married (friend was 12) and my friend was the only person in her family with her surname. She hated this so decided to change it to her new step Dads surname.

Her Mum and SD are now divorced and she now has the name of someone who is practically a complete stranger! What will happen when you get married?

Also, I think a surname is very important for parental bond with Dads and daughters especially if he isn't around on a full time basis.

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:44

I've just googled parental responsibility and it does say that if both parents are named on the birth certificate then they both have parental responsibility. So he doesn't have to apply for a parental responsibility order or anything like that?

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Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:49

Ha ha MMH, what will happen when I get married? Hell will freeze over! Right now I'm still in the same house as ex and can't wait for it to be just me and dd, really can't see myself getting married. But thanks for your thoughts on the name issue. I'm just trying to do what's best for dd. When she's older won't it be strange for her that mummy's name is different to hers?

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alittleone2 · 27/02/2008 11:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 11:53

OK, so he claims to adore her and want what's best for her so, wouldn't it be best for her to have my name, seeing as I'm the parent she'll live with and who'll be doing all the stuff that involves names (playschool, GP etc)

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MissingMyHeels · 27/02/2008 11:54

I have never had the same surname as my Mum, think it would only be strange if her Dad had no contact with her and she couldn't see where her name came from. Although you obv aren't thinking about meeting anyone new, you never know! Her Dads name will never change so she will have a consistent feeling of belonging ifyswim?

Not an easy call to make though, it's dependent on so many little specifics of your situation. Good luck though!!

Surfermum · 27/02/2008 11:58

Maybe put to him in the right way he might see your point of view. Maybe not. But please don't go ahead and do it without telling him, especially knowing that he is against the idea. That would be extremely inflammatory and sends the message to him that when it comes to his daughter he doesn't matter, and you will call the shots. You could be heading for a whole load of aggravation and upset, and maybe an expensive and stressful time in Court. Going to Court is just awful and you really want to avoid that if you possibly can.

If you want things to remain good between you don't do it without consulting him.

titchy · 27/02/2008 11:58

Plenty of married women keep their maiden name and their kids have their dad's surname so it's not really unusual for mums and dcs to have different surnames. It won't really be best for her having the same surname - it won't make a difference to her! Is it that you don't really want anything to do with him?

chipkid · 27/02/2008 12:09

No an order is not required as he automatically has PR. You cannot change her name unless he agrees. The Court would not allow you to change the surname on the basis that you want her to have the same name as you. There are lots of cases on this point. Lots of children donot share their mother's surname-it is no longer considered unusual or detrimental to the child. I agree you don't want to get into legal proceedings over this-you will have an uphill struggle.

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 12:11

No titchy, right now I really don't want anything to do with him and I feel sick to the stomach when I think of him having her on visits even though that's some way down the line yet as she's only 9 months and still breastfeeding. But that's not the reason I wanted to change her name, I really thought it would be best for her when she starts school but maybe not. Whatever her name is, she's my baby and she'll always know that so maybe changing her name isn't as important as I first thought. Oh, I don't know! Why isn't there a confused smiley???

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minorityrules · 27/02/2008 12:22

I have a different name to my children, I kept my maiden name when I married and I was happy for the children to have their fathers name (double barrel out of the question, 2 stupidly long names)

It's made no difference to the kids. Sometimes I get called mrs exh name by schools etc doesn't bother me. They never get the kids name wrong

I think it is wrong to change babies/childs names, you are removing half of their identity, especially as the father is involved, it's like saying half you doesn;t exist

LoveMyGirls · 27/02/2008 12:25

I changed dd1's name when she was 6 by then i hadn't seen biodad since she was a few mths old and she was born before 2003 by the time she wasd 6 I was happy with my dp and I was about to give birth to her sister so I thought it was a good time to change her name so we could all have the same surname what i'm trying to say is there's no rush and she can always change it herself later

Original poster

amfay · 27/02/2008 13:11

Thanks everyone for some excellent advice. I think I'll let this one lie and choose my battles with the ex wisely, I'm sure there'll be many, many more...

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Fluffybubble · 27/02/2008 13:27

I changed my ds's name last year, via a solicitor (a Statutory Declaration). I needed my ex's consent as he has PR and I just added my surname...it doesn't exactly "flow" but it does mean that I seem to have some relationship with him in terms of name. This has been helpful at preschool, and I think it will be at school too. My thinking is that ds can continue to use both names when older, or select either depending on his own wishes... Also, as far as antagonising your ex, it may mean that he will also see it as a compromise if his name is still included.

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