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Original poster

Child maintenance and bonus - threats from ex

35 replies

historiccastles · 26/06/2023 12:23

My ex and I broke up almost 10 years ago now. 2 teenage daughters. He rarely sees them and only if I put in the effort to set it up and it won't cost him any money/will cost him very little money. They don't like seeing him as they say it's boring and they don't like his house. He would tell you I've alienated them from him, I'd just say he's never made the effort and they know that and don't like it.

Child maintenance on Direct Pay through CMS. A few years back had problems with him underpaying but he has paid in full and on time for a while now.

Just had Annual Review and payment gone up dramatically as he received over £20k in bonuses and a backdated pay rise..

He is furious, says its not fair as it doesn't reflect his current income. Threats that he will have to sell his house and rent a room somewhere, won't be able to see the girls etc. I've heard it all before and I told him.if he thinks it's wrong to query it but that if he did earn that much it's right the kids get a share. He wants me to agree to a private arrangement with a lesser amount but I won't because I don't trust him to be honest about his income.

So once again I'm being subjected to a barrage of email abuse. WIBU to block him? He has the girls numbers, he can contact them without going through me if he wanted to.

OP posts:
lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 12:26

Easily solved

one month based on the bonus and back pay

and then reverts

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 26/06/2023 12:30

Block and ignore. Cms decided the amount due to how much he earned last year, he's had the money so he needs to use it to support his dc

ItsNotRocketSalad · 26/06/2023 12:33

If you block him will he send messages to your daughters about this instead? If no, then absolutely block him. If yes, I'd just mute instead so he thinks you're still reading.

FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 12:34

I get bonuses that are not guaranteed and so what I do is pay a % of them as a one off to my ex while leaving the regular payments based on my base salary. That feels fair

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 12:36

FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 12:34

I get bonuses that are not guaranteed and so what I do is pay a % of them as a one off to my ex while leaving the regular payments based on my base salary. That feels fair

My ex did this too

but not a decade post divorce. First 3 years of divorce

Shoesortrainers · 26/06/2023 12:38

Dear Ex.

The maintenance has been assessed based on the prescribed formula set by the government.

I will not be entering into discussions about this or coming to a private arrangement for less than the law say is payable.

Please refrain from contacting me further on this matter and ensure any future communication is not abusive or malicious.

Shoesortrainers · 26/06/2023 12:39

Send that and report any further abuse to the police. It’s not acceptable and you are right to remain on direct pay!

Shoesortrainers · 26/06/2023 12:40

FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 12:34

I get bonuses that are not guaranteed and so what I do is pay a % of them as a one off to my ex while leaving the regular payments based on my base salary. That feels fair

That is fair and the ex should have saved the money ready for the review. Like a self employed person saves for tax.

Original poster
historiccastles · 26/06/2023 12:49

I don't know if he saved or spent the money but he only wants to pay based on his basic income, which is £20k less than what he actually earned last year.

If he offered me a one off lump sum instead I'd consider it but he hasn't and if I move to a private arrangement he certainly wouldn't tell me about any bonuses in future.

No I don't think he'd harass the girls beyond some veiled comments

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 12:52

Shoesortrainers · 26/06/2023 12:40

That is fair and the ex should have saved the money ready for the review. Like a self employed person saves for tax.

Show quote history

Oh completely. I’m not saying he’s in any way right other than it can be odd to base future payments on a year with a bonus that they might not get next time.

he should absolutely have ring fenced the % of any bonuses when paid.

caringcarer · 26/06/2023 12:54

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 26/06/2023 12:30

Block and ignore. Cms decided the amount due to how much he earned last year, he's had the money so he needs to use it to support his dc

This. He's had the money so he pays what he needs to.

caringcarer · 26/06/2023 12:58

I'm not surprised your DC don't have time for him. What a shit parent he is. In 10-15 years time he'll be moaning because your DC don't take his dgc to visit him. That's where my exh is now, getting older and lonelier and all because he never made the effort to keep his relationship with his children going when they were teens.

Goldbar · 26/06/2023 13:05

It must wind him up so much that going through CMS means he can't cheat his own children.

Quitelikeit · 26/06/2023 13:10

If he was hands on and interested in his kids I’d say cut him some slack but since he is selfish and useless then why bother doing him a favour

Quitelikeit · 26/06/2023 13:11

With the extra 20k how much extra a month will you be getting?

surely it’s about £150 so how would that make him homeless!

WaterIris · 26/06/2023 13:12

Dear X - take it up with CMS as they calculate the amount.

Rinse and repeat ad nauseam.

Original poster
historiccastles · 26/06/2023 14:05

It goes up by about £180 a month. He says on top of mortgage rise its too much

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 14:36

historiccastles · 26/06/2023 14:05

It goes up by about £180 a month. He says on top of mortgage rise its too much

Which it might be, as he’d be paying going forwards out of his normal salary

but fundamentally he’s had a bonus, owed you some of it, and either spent or saved your share.

Quitelikeit · 26/06/2023 14:37

Well you enjoy that £180 op!

overpay your own mortgage with it 🤣🤣

bluebell34567 · 26/06/2023 14:45

how do you know how much he has/earns?

Original poster
historiccastles · 26/06/2023 14:51

@bluebell34567 it tells me on the online portal when they set out the calculation. It shows me his annual income for last year and how they work out the amount.

He told me the bit about the bonus etc when I queried it with him, thinking they had made an error.

OP posts:
Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 14:53

Ah shame. It isn't up to you to decide.... Leave it to the professionals.
Keep all nasty texts....
Not your problem he doesn't put his dc first. I bet you manage to op.

amiold · 26/06/2023 15:01

This happened to someone I know. He had taken ex her to court to see the kids etc and was paying 1k a month in legal fees so worked lots of overtime to be able to do so... literally barely away from work.
She waited until he got his annual bonus (about 3k) and then went back on the private agreement and went to cms. Obviously the money it was calculated on was money he was no longer earning but he had to suck it up. The first two months she never got any money because of how the cms worked it out and long run it but her on the arse as he upped his pension, claimed a mileage deduction and when he had another child with new partner they kept two house initially so

amiold · 26/06/2023 15:02

amiold · 26/06/2023 15:01

This happened to someone I know. He had taken ex her to court to see the kids etc and was paying 1k a month in legal fees so worked lots of overtime to be able to do so... literally barely away from work.
She waited until he got his annual bonus (about 3k) and then went back on the private agreement and went to cms. Obviously the money it was calculated on was money he was no longer earning but he had to suck it up. The first two months she never got any money because of how the cms worked it out and long run it but her on the arse as he upped his pension, claimed a mileage deduction and when he had another child with new partner they kept two house initially so

Sorry pressed send too early.

So... his new partner put in a counter claim due to having two lots of outgoings and him not being able to support them at this inflated rate. Initially he had nearly killed himself doing the overtime but then realised it wasn't fair. Ex was furious and they couldn't agree a middle ground after that

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:07

How old are your teens?