Do you allow your ex in your house?

NeedSleepNow · 2023-06-11T15:12:42+00:00

Stbxh and I currently own the former marital home together still, the kids and I live there (I pay the mortgage and all bills, I have done for the party 2 years) and he rents nearby. He currently comes and goes far too often to collect stuff, drop stuff off or just turns up unannounced as it is legally still his home as he loves to remind me. When he picks the kids up or drops them off he waltzes straight in, never knocks, and will hang around for as long as he wants to, often 2+ hours. I have told him that once or finances are separated and we don't own a property together this will not happen. He will not sit in my home for hours, look after the kids here, turn up unnanounced and he has taken real offence. Thinks I am being very unreasonable and disrespectful. I am happy to invite him in for a cup of tea most times when he picks up/drops off but my new home will be mine and the children's space and I don't want him encroaching on that. Does that sound reasonable or am I being difficult? I would love to hear what others do. Ex was emotionally abusive in the past, and is very difficult to talk to about things. His relationship with our eldest is stained and for DS's sake I think it is best if his Dad isn't in our home much, the same as I wouldn't expect to go to his home and just sit there for hours.

Crunchingleaf · 11/06/2023 17:15

I suppose now there isn’t much you can do. When the divorce is finalised and money is sorted then it’s perfectly acceptable to say no to him.

It’s not easy to say no to some people as they always turn it around on you to make you appear unreasonable. No matter how you phrase it if he has form for being emotionally abusive then he will continue on being manipulative.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 11/06/2023 18:00

Crunchingleaf · 11/06/2023 17:15

I suppose now there isn’t much you can do. When the divorce is finalised and money is sorted then it’s perfectly acceptable to say no to him.

It’s not easy to say no to some people as they always turn it around on you to make you appear unreasonable. No matter how you phrase it if he has form for being emotionally abusive then he will continue on being manipulative.

He is the sort of person that just relentlessly pushes and pushes until he gets what he wants. I don't want that stress in my home anymore and I feel I really need to be able to have some boundaries with him but again he is pushing and pushing.

I tried to explain to him that when I have a home things will be different but it's been twisted round to me being the bad guy, him the victim. I'm just so tired of it all!

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 11/06/2023 18:00

Not a chance. Mine is the same.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 11/06/2023 18:01

Nope. Mine was abusive and awful and isn’t allowed in my house. He comes to the front door to drop off and that’s it.

Mummumgem · 11/06/2023 18:04

Tbh I would say why you stay there he will always feel he has a right, do you plan on getting a new place when your divorce comes through?. In the mean time why not just change the locks on the doors so he can’t just let himself in

coodawoodashooda · 11/06/2023 19:31

Mummumgem · 11/06/2023 18:04

Tbh I would say why you stay there he will always feel he has a right, do you plan on getting a new place when your divorce comes through?. In the mean time why not just change the locks on the doors so he can’t just let himself in

And a video camera

Seas164 · 11/06/2023 19:45

No surprise that he was emotionally abusive, he still is being controlling and overstepping and disregarding your boundaries in the ways he still can.

Until the divorce is finalised and the assets are split and one of you either buys the other out of the house (if you buy him out expect him to never accept that he can't waltz in when he likes and that it's not still his house), or it's sold and you both get new places, there's not much you can do bar a non molestation order/occupation order which can be time consuming and expensive, and not necessarily granted.

It is however absolutely reasonable for you to expect peaceful enjoyment of your home, which at the moment is the family home. You are reasonable to ask him to announce his intention to visit, and to limit the time he spends there when collecting and dropping off the children. (For reference my XH has never been over the threshold of my post divorce house, there is no need.)

Install a chain for security purposes so that he can't walk in when you're in, leave the key in the back of the door, and a ring doorbell for the same reason, and tell him to ask in advance for a convenient time to visit the children. Coming over to look at all the belongings he's left there, because he will have done, isn't a reason to walk in unannounced.

You are very much allowed not to leave your door open and come downstairs from a shower to find him with his feet on your coffee table eating a packet of biscuits.

Lavenderfowl · 11/06/2023 20:06

My abusive XH is similar and I now make sure the DC are ready when the doorbell goes so he has no excuse to come in and hang about. He doesn’t like it but I don’t care - and yes he plays the poor victim as well, even wailed to neighbour that he wasn’t allowed in …not realising that she knows exactly why I don’t want him here.

At the moment whilst you’re still in the marital
home it’s tricky to stand up to him I know, but once it’s your place then he doesn’t get to come in…although I can just see mine asking the DC to see their bedrooms 😤…

Lavendersparkles22 · 11/06/2023 20:11

I had to when we still jointly owned the marital home, but I don't let him in my own property unless expressly invited. I've only been in his flat once in two years. No need really is there! You're not unreasonable to want to protect your space.

StMarysTrainee · 11/06/2023 20:18

No way! It’s MY home and haven, my peace and my safe place. Nobody enters who I do not consider a true, decent, valued part of my life.
You do not have to allow anything you don’t want to, that’s the joy of being your own person again.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 11/06/2023 20:57

Thank you all for your replies, it is great to hear of others feeling the same way. He was making me start to doubt myself. I would love to just change the locks but my solicitor had advised that I can't legally unless I give him a new key.

I had originally hoped to buy him out with the help of family, as I thought it would be easier for the kids, but now I would prefer a new home and a fresh start. Somewhere without any memories of him and I fear if I stayed here, buying him out, he would always see it as his and try to walk straight in behind the kids when bringing them back.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 21:10

I would pop a lock on my bedroom door for now and keep anything private in there - I don't think there's a law against that and it will give you at least some sense of your own space.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 21:11

NeedSleepNow · 11/06/2023 20:57

Thank you all for your replies, it is great to hear of others feeling the same way. He was making me start to doubt myself. I would love to just change the locks but my solicitor had advised that I can't legally unless I give him a new key.

I had originally hoped to buy him out with the help of family, as I thought it would be easier for the kids, but now I would prefer a new home and a fresh start. Somewhere without any memories of him and I fear if I stayed here, buying him out, he would always see it as his and try to walk straight in behind the kids when bringing them back.

But if you did buy him out then you would be able to lock him out, regardless of how he 'sees' the place you could put firm boundaries in. And you'd save loads in stamp duty. Maybe you should stay, you can redecorate etc to make it different

CheekyHobson · 11/06/2023 21:32

This is a really common issue in separations like yours (and mine):

Still living in marital home with kids
Emotionally abusive ex with boundary issues and a tendency to play victim
Trying to maintain a facade for the children that your relationship is more amicable than it really is

For me, it got a bit easier when I allowed myself to slowly let go of the last one and allowed the reality of our relationship to become obvious to all. I suspect you are still in the phase of feeling you have to protect your kids from the reality of who their father is. Unfortunately, by doing this, the only person you are actually protecting is your ex.

I have justifiable anger towards my ex for how he behaved in our relationship, as well as ongoing irritation at the entitled, rude and hostile ways he behaved, but I have learned to keep a lid on those negative feelings, handle them by learning that I need to set a firmer boundary somewhere, setting the boundary graciously but firmly and allowing my ex to go off however he likes in response.

I know (and you know) that not wanting someone who has treated you poorly in your home is not in the least unreasonable. And if your ex is abusive, you also know that he will not be prepared to acknowledge reasonable limits that stop him from doing whatever he likes, and will kick off in response.

Let him. And if your kids are confused or upset afterwards, gently explain to them that you don't feel comfortable having Daddy in the house because you have both had a lot of differences of opinion, and he tends to behave aggressively when something doesn’t go his way… like he just did… and that doesn’t feel safe or comfortable for you.

You don’t think that his behaviour is kind or respectful and you don’t want to be around it. You know this is tough. You wish Daddy would respect your boundaries, but he doesn’t. He struggles with accepting limits. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, or that they have to stop seeing him. It’s just that your own home isn’t a place where they can all hang out together. You’re very happy for them to do that elsewhere though.

Empower yourself by stepping into the truth of how you feel and your right to set boundaries that give you peace of mind. Maintain your own dignity, of course. Don’t sink to his level by yelling or arguing or responding to his personal attacks on you. Just calmly set the boundaries that reflect your reality, and allow your ex to reveal himself to everyone through his responses.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 11/06/2023 23:44

CheekyHobson · 11/06/2023 21:32

This is a really common issue in separations like yours (and mine):

Still living in marital home with kids
Emotionally abusive ex with boundary issues and a tendency to play victim
Trying to maintain a facade for the children that your relationship is more amicable than it really is

For me, it got a bit easier when I allowed myself to slowly let go of the last one and allowed the reality of our relationship to become obvious to all. I suspect you are still in the phase of feeling you have to protect your kids from the reality of who their father is. Unfortunately, by doing this, the only person you are actually protecting is your ex.

I have justifiable anger towards my ex for how he behaved in our relationship, as well as ongoing irritation at the entitled, rude and hostile ways he behaved, but I have learned to keep a lid on those negative feelings, handle them by learning that I need to set a firmer boundary somewhere, setting the boundary graciously but firmly and allowing my ex to go off however he likes in response.

I know (and you know) that not wanting someone who has treated you poorly in your home is not in the least unreasonable. And if your ex is abusive, you also know that he will not be prepared to acknowledge reasonable limits that stop him from doing whatever he likes, and will kick off in response.

Let him. And if your kids are confused or upset afterwards, gently explain to them that you don't feel comfortable having Daddy in the house because you have both had a lot of differences of opinion, and he tends to behave aggressively when something doesn’t go his way… like he just did… and that doesn’t feel safe or comfortable for you.

You don’t think that his behaviour is kind or respectful and you don’t want to be around it. You know this is tough. You wish Daddy would respect your boundaries, but he doesn’t. He struggles with accepting limits. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, or that they have to stop seeing him. It’s just that your own home isn’t a place where they can all hang out together. You’re very happy for them to do that elsewhere though.

Empower yourself by stepping into the truth of how you feel and your right to set boundaries that give you peace of mind. Maintain your own dignity, of course. Don’t sink to his level by yelling or arguing or responding to his personal attacks on you. Just calmly set the boundaries that reflect your reality, and allow your ex to reveal himself to everyone through his responses.

Thank you @CheekyHobson your reply is so helpful and gives me lots of great ways to help explain it to the children.

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 23:47

Do whatever is best for your children

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 12/06/2023 12:53

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 23:47

Do whatever is best for your children

Thank you. I am happy to invite him in for a cup of tea etc for the sake of the kids and them seeing us getting on. I think it is confusing for them though if he is hanging around or looking after them at my home, they have often asked if Dad is here so much why can't he sleep and live here too. I think a clearer separation between his house and my house would be easier for the kids to understand.

OP posts:

MaxwellCat · 12/06/2023 23:16

Yes I do and my ex has even slept over a few times he never lived here and it’s completely my house but he wouldn’t see them otherwise

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 12/06/2023 23:37

MaxwellCat · 12/06/2023 23:16

Yes I do and my ex has even slept over a few times he never lived here and it’s completely my house but he wouldn’t see them otherwise

Thanks for your reply, is your relationship with him quite amicable then? Does he only see the children at your home?

OP posts:

MinionsHooray · 12/06/2023 23:42

My partner never goes in his ex and she never comes in ours.

MaxwellCat · 12/06/2023 23:45

NeedSleepNow · 12/06/2023 23:37

Thanks for your reply, is your relationship with him quite amicable then? Does he only see the children at your home?

Show quote history

No not at all he just wouldn’t see them otherwise and yes he only comes here, I don’t like it but I put up with it for the kids

Maddy70 · 12/06/2023 23:46

You do everything to keep good relationships for your children

SheilaFentiman · 12/06/2023 23:50

You don’t have to invite him
in for a cuppa. If you want an excuse, “I would ask you in but I’m about to call
my mum/pop to the shops/have cousin Susie round”

SheilaFentiman · 12/06/2023 23:50

Maddy70 · 12/06/2023 23:46

You do everything to keep good relationships for your children

The xh clearly isnt, though. It’s not on op.

CrumbliestCrumble · 13/06/2023 00:06

No i dont. Never did from the beginning 15 years on and never has. Even though we're amicable, its just something I wasn't getting into.