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Original poster

Do you allow your ex in your house?

44 replies

NeedSleepNow · 11/06/2023 16:12

Stbxh and I currently own the former marital home together still, the kids and I live there (I pay the mortgage and all bills, I have done for the party 2 years) and he rents nearby. He currently comes and goes far too often to collect stuff, drop stuff off or just turns up unannounced as it is legally still his home as he loves to remind me. When he picks the kids up or drops them off he waltzes straight in, never knocks, and will hang around for as long as he wants to, often 2+ hours.

I have told him that once or finances are separated and we don't own a property together this will not happen. He will not sit in my home for hours, look after the kids here, turn up unnanounced and he has taken real offence. Thinks I am being very unreasonable and disrespectful.

I am happy to invite him in for a cup of tea most times when he picks up/drops off but my new home will be mine and the children's space and I don't want him encroaching on that. Does that sound reasonable or am I being difficult?

I would love to hear what others do. Ex was emotionally abusive in the past, and is very difficult to talk to about things. His relationship with our eldest is stained and for DS's sake I think it is best if his Dad isn't in our home much, the same as I wouldn't expect to go to his home and just sit there for hours.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 13/06/2023 00:09

I do, but mine is fine.

If he’s pushing I wouldn’t even have him in for tea. He can come into the hall. Don’t talk about it with him, just impose the new rules once you’re separated

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 13/06/2023 00:28

SheilaFentiman · 12/06/2023 23:50

The xh clearly isnt, though. It’s not on op.

Show quote history

No, he definitely isn't putting them first as he is frequently telling them that he wants to come round whenever he likes but that Mummy won't allow him to, Mummy won't let him live in his own home, Dad had no money because of Mum...

I have kept quiet for nearly 2 years, put up with him coming over, sitting on the sofa for hours, eating my food, cooking him dinner when he sees the kids here, still doing all his life admin relating to the kids etc. but I can't do this for another 10 years and I think it would be better for the kids to not have that cross over. I'm hoping we can still be amical and invite each other in for a cuppa sometimes but other than that my home is my space and his home is his.

I don't think he will ever accept that as reasonable though.

OP posts:
mrsneate · 13/06/2023 00:31

How old are the DC?

Have them ready by the door, soon as you see the car pull up Usher them out.

Can you then collect them? Just until he gets the message..

I won't allow my ex past my door step. This is my space. However he generally stays in the car

BeeCucumber · 13/06/2023 00:34

Stop being amicable. No more cups of tea. No more cosy dinners. As suggested - change the locks. Chain on the door. Video camera. Don’t engage in any conversation.

CheekyHobson · 13/06/2023 00:37

I don't think he will ever accept that as reasonable though.

Thats because when guys like this say “amicable”, what they expect to happen is that you will behave immaculately and they will behave however they like and you won’t say a damn thing about it.

Its bullshit and it’s not really “putting the kids first” because all you are doing is providing them with an unhealthy and distorted relationship model where men do and say whatever they like, whether it’s true or not, and women put up with them and pretend everything’s fine.

Then those kids will grow up and repeat the same pattern. And that won’t do them any good at all.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 13/06/2023 08:33

CheekyHobson · 13/06/2023 00:37

I don't think he will ever accept that as reasonable though.

Thats because when guys like this say “amicable”, what they expect to happen is that you will behave immaculately and they will behave however they like and you won’t say a damn thing about it.

Its bullshit and it’s not really “putting the kids first” because all you are doing is providing them with an unhealthy and distorted relationship model where men do and say whatever they like, whether it’s true or not, and women put up with them and pretend everything’s fine.

Then those kids will grow up and repeat the same pattern. And that won’t do them any good at all.

You're absolutely right. I left him because I didn't want my kids to see that sort of relationship as normal and I now need to make sure it doesn't just continue in the same way

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 13/06/2023 08:38

BeeCucumber · 13/06/2023 00:34

Stop being amicable. No more cups of tea. No more cosy dinners. As suggested - change the locks. Chain on the door. Video camera. Don’t engage in any conversation.

He pushed for it at mediation that I would do this, at he chose to rent a small place where there isn't really much space for the kids - or as he told the mediator, the kids and anyone who will listen, he has to give all his money to me in child maintenance and is now struggling financially and can't afford somewhere big enough for his kids. When I finally saw his financial info at mediation it was clear this was a load of crap and he was choosing to rent somewhere small and a spend the rest of his money on nights out and weekends away. Unfortunately the mediator felt very sorry for him and thought him coming round for dinner with the kids etc was a good option.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 13/06/2023 08:39

mrsneate · 13/06/2023 00:31

How old are the DC?

Have them ready by the door, soon as you see the car pull up Usher them out.

Can you then collect them? Just until he gets the message..

I won't allow my ex past my door step. This is my space. However he generally stays in the car

They are 6,10 and almost 14.

OP posts:
Lissadell · 13/06/2023 08:41

Do whatever works for you. Among my divorced friends, some spend a lot of time at one another’s’ houses, while others, who are no less amicably divorced, don’t even do pick-ups at the houses, but collect/drop-off the children at a petrol station as a way of maintaining boundaries.

SheilaFentiman · 13/06/2023 08:59

The mediator is a twat. No matter how well you got on, it is not reasonable for you to host him for dinner as an expectation!

BeeCucumber · 13/06/2023 09:09

Ignore the mediator. They obviously don’t recognise an abusive relationship when they see one. Don’t forget - anyone can do meditation - it’s only their opinion- it’s not a court order.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 13/06/2023 11:44

SheilaFentiman · 13/06/2023 08:59

The mediator is a twat. No matter how well you got on, it is not reasonable for you to host him for dinner as an expectation!

That is my growing opinion of the mediator too!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 13/06/2023 17:38

No way, my house is my safe haven which I cherish, and I would never let my EX in to trample all over my boundaries, as he did during the relationship.

DC get collected at the door.

Crunchingleaf · 13/06/2023 19:51

You do everything to keep good relationships for your children.

It takes two to keep a relationship respectful and amicable.

wisepie · 20/06/2023 17:31

Late to the party here and hope you have found a resolution since posting.

If not then I suppose it depends on how far you are willing to go with this but I just wanted to say that you can absolutely file for an occupation order regardless of XH jointly owning the house, he could do the same if he so wished. The divorce isn't finalised yet but you both are separated. Do you have proof of his abusive behaviour at all? Msgs etc. Keep a log of what he does and when. Speak to a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse cases. I'm not sure where you are but if in UK then there is the ncdv.org.uk who can give advice and direction too.

You and your children have a right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, not tiptoe and walk on eggshells just because your ex husband is a dick and is holding on to control.

All the best x

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 10/07/2023 21:12

wisepie · 20/06/2023 17:31

Late to the party here and hope you have found a resolution since posting.

If not then I suppose it depends on how far you are willing to go with this but I just wanted to say that you can absolutely file for an occupation order regardless of XH jointly owning the house, he could do the same if he so wished. The divorce isn't finalised yet but you both are separated. Do you have proof of his abusive behaviour at all? Msgs etc. Keep a log of what he does and when. Speak to a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse cases. I'm not sure where you are but if in UK then there is the ncdv.org.uk who can give advice and direction too.

You and your children have a right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, not tiptoe and walk on eggshells just because your ex husband is a dick and is holding on to control.

All the best x

Thank you

OP posts:
Radiodread · 10/07/2023 23:03

although it really fucking sucks I would just allow it until he is off the deeds and then engineer it so he has no need to cross the threshold, ie meeting in public places and when really unavoidable (birthdays, other significant events) draft in reinforcements, preferably older, numerous, male and unfriendly - bonus marks for all four.

contrary to advice above, I would not try and explain to your kids why daddy is not welcome. Saying he makes you feel unsafe etc leaves the door wide open for allegations of parental alienation aka the abusers’ get out of jail free card.It’s different when they are older and you can explain things in more grown up terms.

as long as you are not compromised by this bellend in your home right now, it’s better to play the long game. Kids very quickly work out who the knobhead is.

RoseMartha · 10/07/2023 23:23

For me things got better when the divorce was finalised and we sold the family home.

He has been to my flat about 4 times in the last almost three years. All dc related reasons.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/07/2023 07:56

Thank you. That's what I'm hoping that one the house is sold things will have to change.

OP posts:
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