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Lone parents

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Original poster

Are most of you "good mates" with your ex??

38 replies

allgonebellyup · 20/02/2008 13:04

Just wondering, as after 6 months of hell (me stupidly telling him to leave, then him meeting someone straight away and getting her pregnant, and me wanting him back) we have realised we are still good mates and can make each other laugh when we are with the kids.

Deep down i know he will never come back to me but he has heart to heart chats with me about the messy relationsip he feels trapped in now, and i feel like a good friend cos i listen.

Does anyone else have this??

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 20/02/2008 13:41

Nope, my ex has no contact with me or his son other than his quarterly payment.

However I have kept in touch with an ex boyfriend, post being a mother, who I was with for 2 years. I still have chats and sometimes see him, but he is very unreliable (as was before) and often lets me down.

He rarely talks about his daughter now even though I ask for news and I get the impression he doesn't see her as much as he did, despite a lengthy and expensive court battle with his ex who stopped all contact when she found out he had a new g/f as she didn't like the idea. I supported him through out, helped him with his case and put up with months of stress and misery which impacted on us all.

Sometimes i think about us getting back together, but in reality that will not happen.

I accept his unreliability now and don't worry about it so much, and much as i miss him sometimes i couldn't ever go back to being in a couple with him. But it's nice to catch up sometimes and we do have a laugh together. I haven't stopped loving him, but i'm not in love with him.

I don't allow my son to see him or know I see him as he was extremely upset after we split saying he wanted a dad or step dad like everyone else at school has and loved having a 'sister' to play with.

Not the same situation as you I know, but as long as you accept the situation and understand you won't get back together it is probably better for your children if you can remain friends.

I would give one word of warning though. If his new relationship is rocky he may well be using you as a pressure release and it might prolong him dealing with that situation as he has someone (you) to talk to and understand and it helps him deal with his home life as a result. I had a 'friend' who told me for 7 years he didn't want to be with his g/f but was always worried about leaving because of the children. After I finally stopped talking to him realising he would never leave her he did finally split up with her less than 6 months later. He didn't have me to help him through it and take his mind of it any more and couldn't cope. Was too late for me by then though. Don't get used as a crutch is all i'm saying.

Gilly

lottymadbird · 20/02/2008 13:44

nope. my ex is a prat. i cannot believe what i ever saw in him and just looking at his bloaty red face makes me want to smack him with a frying pan.

still glad i met him though otherwise i wouldnt have gorgeous DS .

good on you though, that sort of relationship with ex would be my ideal, im guessing yours isnt a self-centred selfish, lying tw*t though - that does help!

lostdad · 20/02/2008 13:55

No. Since she walked out unexpectedly almost a year ago, my ex has refused totally to discuss anything concerning our divorce or son with me whatsoever.

Pinkchampagne · 20/02/2008 13:59

I guess we get on better now we are not together, but that will be because I don't have to live with him & he isn't really my problem anymore!

He would help me out if I needed him for anything, like a lift to the doctors if one of the boys are ill, and we get on ok, but I don't see us as best of friends really. This is something that concerned my new boyfriend though, as ex H would like a best of friends type relationship. Think he worries that he will try to win me back, but that would never happen!

Baffy · 20/02/2008 13:59

No not at all. I always think one is left with more feelings than the other, and I don't think a true friendship can come of that because your expectations are so different.

Pinkchampagne · 20/02/2008 14:00

Think I agree with you there, Baffy.

VictorianSqualor · 20/02/2008 14:07

I won't even give my ex the time of day if I can help it, thankfully I have since moved towns and live 40 miles away from him, plus get on fien with his family so my DC's go to his mum or sisters ouse for cousins parties etc, I won't allow him to have them unsupervised.
But, I was willing to be friends with him, when we first split I had his gf in my house and made a real effort to get along with her etc, but he was a complete prick for the next year so I gave up.

I still talk to the guy I was seeing between ex and new dp though, and would say he was a good friend, I think it depends on why you broke up, and then on how they react during the break-up.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 20/02/2008 14:19

Baffy, think i agree with you too. obviously i do still have feelings for him but they are not returned. i do feel happy that he feels he can talk to me though.

Also, yes, our expectations are different as i would dearly love to get back together whereas he will never want that. I think i should remain being friendly but we should try to cut out his prolonged hanging round the house, texting etc.

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/02/2008 14:31

I'm obviously bucking the trend here (and no longer a lone parent) but yes, my ex-DH is one of my closest friends. We had a messy split (he had an affair, I left with the DCs) and he was a lousy husband but a great father and a really nice guy. We were friends first and should have just stayed that way.
What is slightly disconcerting though is that DH and ex-DH go to the football and then the pub together every other Saturday - they both assure me that they only ever talk football .

nutcracker · 20/02/2008 14:31

Agree totally with Baffy.

I could be friends with my ex if all he wanted was friendship, however he always interprets my friendship as more, so now I keep at distance, don't chit chat with him or anything.

He constant attempts to be chatty and friendly with me now, just wind me up.

Baffy · 20/02/2008 14:44

Sorry allgone - I hope that didn't come across as harsh. I say it from my own experience because I tried so hard to be H's friend when we separated, but it was always because I wanted him to see what a wonderful, supportive, caring person I was, and want me back!

I always had my own agenda. Every time he'd talk about how bad things were in his life, it would build up that tiny shred of hope that we'd sort things out.

Similarly he used me when it suited him, as I knew him so well and knew the right things to say. But at the end of the day he went back to his girlfriend and I would be left alone wondering what was wrong with me.

It was much easier in the long run not to attempt to have that closeness at all.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 20/02/2008 15:04

Baffy that sounds like me!
he does comment on what a nicer, calmer person i seem to be now - yet doesnt want me back and it frustrates me!!!!!!

So yes will try to keep my distance as much as i possibly can, if only to save my own feelings.

OP posts:
dylsmum1998 · 20/02/2008 19:52

me and my xp are still good friends.
we split up because we realy can't live together- have tried for several years and just can't make it work.
we get on great as friends and I am perfectly happy with this arrangement- dont want to get back with him.
we still take the children out for the day and go away together.
not many people can understand how we do this, but i don't hate him but i don't want to be in a relationship with him either

Geri2 · 20/02/2008 19:53

Lottymaidbird, I'll have a loan of that frying pan when you've finished with it lol

The way I feel at the moment, I couldn't care less if I never saw him again, of course that's not really practical with having 4 children!

I know that he would help if need be, but he never rings to see how the children are getting on, in between him seeing them, ( only really sees the younger 2) ... He sent me a text yesterday to ask if it was still ok to pick lil man up today. i replied it was and also told him about lil lady's snapped off tooth. He said if I needed any help to ask. I replied something like...'as much as i dislike you, I will seek your help if needed for the children!' He replied 'good'.

The man's an idiot - he has said before, ' I hope we can be mates one day'. Hope he says it again, coz I will reply, 'I WILL NEVER BE YOUR MATE' arse!

I think he thinks it will be like his brother and his ex, who get on ok, but of course that didnt happen overnight. He seems to think he can just have that sort of relationship straight away...obv that is not happening on my part...

TLV · 20/02/2008 20:37

I agree with you baffy as I was in similar situation with my ex, tried the friendly bit and then ended up in bed and he had no intention whatsoever of coming back, now I'm cutting him out totally and I feel so much better for it, starting to feel like me again and its taken a long time to get to this stage (infact a few people commented today and how much better I look and how much stronger I seem)

I still have the odd rant at him coz i can't ever forgive for walking out on dd without even trying to make the marriage work (and no not just for her sake) but hey ho life goes on and its too short to dwell on things

I'm getting grief at the mo coz i've told ex i'm going to parents evening alone, he seem to expect to get all the good bits like taking dd out and treating her and coming to things like parents evening, told him he could make his own arrangements but nursery can't see us separately, I've been told I can take her file for him to look at tho.

I can never ever imagine being his friend again

littlewoman · 20/02/2008 20:46

My xh left me for another woman, and on parting said 'I hope we can be the very best of friends'. Cracks me up every time I think about it. Cos I am bound to like, respect and trust him after what he did Well done if you can be friends though. I do worry my hatred of him will hurt the dc's.

juicychops · 20/02/2008 21:09

i hate my ex with a passion and always will.

he hasn't seen ds for 2 years and hopefully never will again so i dont worry that my hate will affect my ds at the moment as i never speak of him

juicychops · 20/02/2008 21:09

i hate my ex with a passion and always will.

he hasn't seen ds for 2 years and hopefully never will again so i dont worry that my hate will affect my ds at the moment as i never speak of him

Remotew · 20/02/2008 21:20

Its great if you can eventually be friends for the childrens sake but you need to protect yourself especially if the feelings are still there for him.

My DD's dad hasnt played a part in her life and I rarely see him. Bump into him in Asda of all placed recently. DD cuddled his kids, I made polite conversation with his wife but cannot even bear to look at him. (or him me I guess) Very sad really but how can one be polite to such a cold heart.

Nighbynight · 20/02/2008 21:30

ha ha ha [bitter laughing emoticon]
my ex is currently in jail awaiting trial for breaking a court order keeping him away from us, to come into my house and hit me. No, we are not on good terms. I wish he would stay in jail for ever, its the only way I would feel safe.

Remotew · 20/02/2008 22:09

Gosh, what a terrible situation for you. [Hug]

Citronella · 20/02/2008 23:10

Not quite x yet and i can't bear each other at the moment. Don't know if it can/will ever get any better.

Jane1979 · 21/02/2008 09:28

Me and XP are friends at the mo and seem to get on better living apart than we did when together, It is all quite new (8 weeks) and we didn't have a messy break up aand nobody els was involved. We both love our ds very much and i feel it is so much easier to get on for his sake, his eyes light up and he does a happy little dance when his daddy comes round, so even when i remember all the horrible things he has said and done in the past, i try to put them aside for my ds. I know if there was another man in my life things would be totally different, but that is a looooooooooooong way off, so i'll cross that bridge at a later date!

lostdad · 21/02/2008 10:16

The last time I saw my ex (outside of court or failed mediation!) we agreed that we'd work together in our son's best interests.

The next time my son was allowed to spend time with me she sent her father because she was `scared' of me. He agreed with me that everyone should keep things amicable.

The next time my son was allowed to spend time with me, he called 999 and told the police I was trying to abduct my son because I said it might be nice to take him for a walk in his pushchair.

That was a year ago. I don't know if we'd be friends because she has refused to talk to me since then.

skyatnight · 21/02/2008 12:39

no