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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Are most of you "good mates" with your ex??

38 replies

allgonebellyup · 20/02/2008 13:04

Just wondering, as after 6 months of hell (me stupidly telling him to leave, then him meeting someone straight away and getting her pregnant, and me wanting him back) we have realised we are still good mates and can make each other laugh when we are with the kids.

Deep down i know he will never come back to me but he has heart to heart chats with me about the messy relationsip he feels trapped in now, and i feel like a good friend cos i listen.

Does anyone else have this??

OP posts:

tetti · 21/02/2008 15:14

Yep,we are still pretty good friends (though he can still really get on my nerves at times!)
I even helped him and his girlfriend to patch up their rocky relationship,not once,but twice(lol),well,couldn't put up with him crying down the phone,and the only way to stop him doing that,was to get the two of them back on track again!

I'd never in a million years consider going back w him tho,he's become like a brother to me (funny that)

Citronella · 21/02/2008 15:24

tetti how long did it take to get to that stage of friendship? And for those of you who are friends what do you mean by 'friends'. Are you just civil, are you confidantes, do you share jokes, do you spend time together, do you even have sex occasionally? Sorry if too many questions, i just can't quite yet imagine a time when we would both feel like being friends at the same time. I would like to think there may be such a time though.

tetti · 21/02/2008 15:55

Well,we were together for 12 years,but for the last 4 we were def not in love.So,I think it only took us a month or so to get to the stage we're at now,as we both wanted to end the relationship.
We can share jokes,I get on famously with his lovely girlfriend(in fact,I prefer her to him!lol).
I'd def never have sex with him,just the thought brings me out in hives!,lol.
Nope,I'll stick to my toyboy,thank you very much,lol.

Seriously though,I think it entirely depends on what kind of break up you had for you to remain friends.If it was a really bad or nasty and bitter break up,instead of an amicable,then it may not be so easy.

piratecat · 21/02/2008 20:10

lmao

um, nope, just laffing at the mere thought of it.

Not for want of trying tho, on my part even tho he left me!!

I just think that irritates him even more!!

ho hum

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 22/02/2008 09:23

Pirate - would you say youre over your ex now ??

OP posts:

MascaraOHara · 22/02/2008 09:26

no but I think your situation sounds quite nice.

VintageGardenia · 22/02/2008 09:31

Yes we are very good friends. I love him and he is a lovely, interesting father. I still find him one of the most amusing people I've ever known, and although it's the most hideous cliche, he does actually know me better than I know myself. I wouldn't like to be without him.

Oh just in case you think this is a rosy picture of smugness, we are also still capable of having arguments, wounding one another and all the usual. But I think we are important to one another and I am very happy for our son's sake that he sees us trusting and respecting one another. I am well aware that it doesn't work out like this for everyone and I take my hat off to people who have a poor relationship and manage to keep things together for their children's sake.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 22/02/2008 09:34

mascara, do you mean my situation?

it is nice to be friends for the kids sake, and we all went out for a meal last night, but it still makes me sad that i am just his mate and nothing more.

OP posts:

piratecat · 22/02/2008 09:42

no agbup I am not over him, as he makes life very hard and makes it harder forme to get past the whole grief thing.

his new gf, is also a pita, and has made life for my dd hard.

I see saw between heartache and anger really, yet it is getting better.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 22/02/2008 09:46

oh god i feel for you

i guess i have it all to come...

though i cant face the idea of years of not getting over him...

OP posts:

turquoise · 22/02/2008 10:00

Another yes here - though as with VG, we often disagree and he still frequently drives me demented with irritation - but as I don't have to live with him I can bite my lip and move on. There is far more respect between us now than there ever was when we were together.

Those of you who are still raw though - I think it does take a long time and it is almost impossible to break up without immense pain and anger, it is a necessary part of the process.

I may well still feel differently had it been he who left, and I admire him for overcoming his feelings of rejection and hatred for our children's sakes. I did not leave him for someone else though.

We still have much in common, have so much history and in jokes, stay at each other's houses and holiday as a family, and many people can't understand why we're not together - but the fact is, if we were, we wouldn't be like this. Our various new partners have had a hard time believing there is absolutely nothing sexual, but there isn't - it is like brother and sister.

The most important thing is, the children are a thousand times happier now than when we were living together in a state of cold loathing and resentment.

VintageGardenia · 22/02/2008 11:08

I am just like that turquoise, and similarly, people find it hard to understand. They think it should be all or nothing. And yes, new "third parties" can find it very difficult (as I would in their places) to understand and accept that the relationship is on a very different - though still very intimate - footing now.

bellyup it sounds to me as if you are not really good mates with yours. As the inverted commas in the thread title should have indicated to me in the first place, of course. This is also a place I have been in, believe me. Trying to be friends because it maintains a strong link, because it means contact, because it means there's a chance. If your ex is definitely an ex, and is going to stay an ex, you are going to make yourself so unhappy by holding out hopes, and it's also going to put a strain on the friendship you are trying to have. That's not much help to you, I know, when you have an ache after him, but sadly it is the truth.

piratecat · 22/02/2008 11:13

i think my ex and me were so close, that we just can't 'go there'.

He can't even speak to me anymore nor look me in the eye. Guilt, people tell me.

I also find it hard to strike a happy mediium. Even if contact was cool, and he was behaving himslef, it is very hard to nkow how to have this 'new' relationship with him.

I have stumbbled alot with that, we both have. It is so very easy to fall back into being able to read each others minds and share the humour we had etc...

If moments like that happen, i feel angry I have 'allowed' him to interact with me, becuase at the end of the day, it is me who suffers when he leaves and goes back to his fiancee.

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