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Original poster

Help- teen DD refusing to live with me 50/50

45 replies

ScotchEgglentine · 08/05/2023 06:41

My 16yo daughter is refusing to go by the agreement my ex and I had - which is sharing the children 50/50 every other week. It is hard to unpick what is normal teen behaviour or something else as it all started after ex moved out. She started the normal teen rejection behaviour- not wanting hugs, not wanting old nicknames, not wanting to spend time with me etc. That would have been frustrating but ok as it would at least be normal. But then she started refusing the custody agreement- she wants three weeks there and one week here. This is also hard for my son who doesn’t like not being with his sister during the every other week he’s with me but she’s at their dad’s. We later found out right after we said my ex was moving out, she googled to find out if you could choose where to live. She had planned this out. Now this weekend she announced she’s upgrading her phone and taking it out of my phone contract and paying for it herself so it’s ‘legally’ hers - it’s not like I even take it away as punishment or anything. She just wants to be not affiliated with me. When asked by myself or ex, she says we have nothing in common and she can choose who her family is like I did - my family was abusive and I had to keep my kids safe from that and cut off contact years ago. To have her correlate the situations is like a gut punch. She’s normal with my ex and no issues when she’s there. But she’s rude and dismissive of me and acts like I don’t matter and she’s biding her time. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do- if it was normal teen rejection I would suck it up best I could and try to wait for her to come back to me. But this is deliberate, planned out rejection and I can’t find a way around it and having trouble coping.

OP posts:

Hotfootgoose · 08/05/2023 06:45

Are the rules different at dads? Does she have her own room at yours ?

Lougle · 08/05/2023 06:48

Is there a problem with her spending one week with you and three weeks with her Dad? She can't legally have a phone contract until she's 18, so is she planning PAYG?

YouCould · 08/05/2023 06:49

That sounds incredibly upsetting and difficult. What other things might be causing her to want to stay with her Dad? Have either of you partners? Is it location or pets or rules. There are so many possible reasons.

Have you an ok relationship with your ex? Does he help?

DucksNewburyport · 08/05/2023 06:49

As she's 16, I'd let her choose OP. If you say yes she is more likely to develop a good relationship with you later than if you force her to stick to 50/50. At least she still wants a week with you, not full time with him.

AmberEars · 08/05/2023 06:56

OP, I don't quite understand your sentence "if this was normal teen rejection I would suck it up" - it does sound pretty much like normal teen rejection to me? It's very common for teens to have tricky relationships with their parent or parents. What do you mean by deliberate and planned? This is how she feels. I know it must be incredibly painful for you but it does seem within the range of normal teen behaviour.

Ollifer · 08/05/2023 07:06

Let her choose. She's 16 not 12. It's fucking hard but the more you fight this the more she will want to go.

Singleandproud · 08/05/2023 07:14

I used to work with teens, those that did 50:50 hated it. They hated not having a base and they hated being passed around like a Pass the Parcel.

It's going to hurt but if she wants to go let her go, she may decide the grass isn't always greener and return home. Compromise on the contact so its 3 weeks with him 1 with you with a midweek dinner with you/him on the parents off week and half summer holidays.

She might thrive with her dad. I love my mum and we are very close now but the teen years were tricky and I'd have chosen my dad too but I'd have wanted to see her regularly. How her brother feels is unimportant in this case she should be treated as an individual with her own needs.

XelaM · 08/05/2023 07:20

Why does she prefer her dad?

BungleandGeorge · 08/05/2023 07:26

She’s 16, you can’t really just decide that she’s going to do one week on, one week off. Did you both discuss this with the kids? It sounds like this was never her choice, she wants to live with her dad

Leafblow · 08/05/2023 07:27

It sounds hard, but she is right.
She should be allowed to choose where she lives at 16.
It's sad for you but your 50/50 arrangement does sound like it was designed to be fair for you and your ex and you want it to keep going for the benefit of you and your son.
50/50 is often really unsettling for teens.

It does sound like normal teenage rejection, and 3/1 is quite fair and sensible for her to decide rather than 100% at her dads or just occassional weekends at yours.

It is difficult but I wouldn't try and force her to stay more or guilt trip her about it upsetting you or her brother. She seems to know this is what she needs right now.

Rabbitmouse · 08/05/2023 07:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Necrotic · 08/05/2023 07:33

I would hate having no real home and instead being passed around 50/50. Your son is irrelevant here, this is about your daughter and her wishes. Let her live with her dad if that’s what she wants. Would you like to be shoved from one house to another constantly?

RatatouilleAndFeta · 08/05/2023 07:36

Can't believe you'd force a 16 year old to do 50/50 it's really controlling.

It must be so hard for kids who parents divorce. Let them have some control back.

Tell them they've got 2 homes and can come and go as they please. You can't force people to want to spend time with you.

readbooksdrinktea · 08/05/2023 07:36

Necrotic · 08/05/2023 07:33

This. Let her have a base. Being 16 is hard enough.

liveforsummer · 08/05/2023 07:37

Sorry I know it's hard but at 16 she absolutely should be able to choose where she goes and shouldn't be responsible for keeping her brother happy at the expense of her happiness either. Sounds like this is all quite new so give her the space and she'll likely come around in time

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 08/05/2023 07:38

This was sort of me at 16! Although I never lived with my dad. As they split when I was 16 I never had to be part of access arrangements.
Can I ask blunt questions?
Whose 'fault' was the split. I didn't see my dad for a long time after their split as it was his decision and also he had involved me unfairly in the build up.
I would not have worn moving between houses at all. Even if I hadn't blamed him. Splits are extremely hard on older teens. It's already a time of great instability and a split adds more.
I'd allow her to do her 3 week 1 week plan. Spend that other week building a great relationship with your son. Special time for you and him.
If its any consolation I have a great relationship with my dad now.

Dotcheck · 08/05/2023 07:41

OP as hard as it is, I think this is normal teen behaviour.
Mine didn’t have 50/50 but they did choose to go to their dad’s less. It had nothing to do with feelings for either one of us- it was about location of friends, rules etc.

OP, if you had a difficult start in life, do you think that is stopping you from seeing this objectively? Can you see a therapist for a bit of help with this? If you bring all your hurt and feelings of abandonment from then into this situation, you may really damage your relationship with your daughter.

Beautiful3 · 08/05/2023 07:41

A sixteen year old.isnt going to want to keep swapping homes 50/50. She just wants to be settled and is old enough to hang out alone. I'd let her, and leave the door open. The phone thing, I suppose she's worried you'll use it as leverage against her. Just tell her it's fine not to come all of the time, and I'm happy to keep paying for your phone.

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 07:43

She gets to choose at her age. It’s not up to her to be company for her brother.

gamerchick · 08/05/2023 07:50

Looks like you're just going to have to go with it OP. I left home at 16, she can decide where she wants to live.

You have no right taking her phone away as punishment at that age anyway.

readbooksdrinktea · 08/05/2023 08:04

It's actually really troubling that you're using her brother missing her as a reason to keep her in arrangements she doesn't like. Women are not on earth to make men's lives more comfortable. I know they're siblings, but it's a crap message to be sending either of them.

MammaTo · 08/05/2023 08:07

This is really tough. Does she see you as being the cause of the split and feels a bit resentful?
It must be tough for her going from once place to another so I understand her wanting more of a base camp but it’s still hard.

megletthesecond · 08/05/2023 08:07

I don't blame her. 50:50 must be awful for kids.
Let her stay where she likes for a bit and things will settle down.

greyhairnomore · 08/05/2023 08:20

I would have hated 50/50at that age.
Would you like to live in two different houses?
I don't think she can get a phone at 16 either.

VerveClique · 08/05/2023 08:32

I have family members who do 50/50, I've always thought it's dreadful for her DCs.

Like the outcome of some sort of passive aggressive truce between the parents, rather than what's best for the DCs.

So unsettling for them to have to frame their lives around pleasing what are essentially two families, every few days... And fitting in their own interests and downtime is so difficult.

It's heartbreaking for you, but I can see why you DD wants a stretch in one place at a time.

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