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Original poster

Help- teen DD refusing to live with me 50/50

45 replies

ScotchEgglentine · 08/05/2023 06:41

My 16yo daughter is refusing to go by the agreement my ex and I had - which is sharing the children 50/50 every other week. It is hard to unpick what is normal teen behaviour or something else as it all started after ex moved out. She started the normal teen rejection behaviour- not wanting hugs, not wanting old nicknames, not wanting to spend time with me etc. That would have been frustrating but ok as it would at least be normal. But then she started refusing the custody agreement- she wants three weeks there and one week here. This is also hard for my son who doesn’t like not being with his sister during the every other week he’s with me but she’s at their dad’s. We later found out right after we said my ex was moving out, she googled to find out if you could choose where to live. She had planned this out. Now this weekend she announced she’s upgrading her phone and taking it out of my phone contract and paying for it herself so it’s ‘legally’ hers - it’s not like I even take it away as punishment or anything. She just wants to be not affiliated with me. When asked by myself or ex, she says we have nothing in common and she can choose who her family is like I did - my family was abusive and I had to keep my kids safe from that and cut off contact years ago. To have her correlate the situations is like a gut punch. She’s normal with my ex and no issues when she’s there. But she’s rude and dismissive of me and acts like I don’t matter and she’s biding her time. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do- if it was normal teen rejection I would suck it up best I could and try to wait for her to come back to me. But this is deliberate, planned out rejection and I can’t find a way around it and having trouble coping.

OP posts:

Necrotic · 08/05/2023 08:37

Also, maybe she’s pushing back at being expected to put her own feelings aside in order to keep her brother happy. Good for her.

SquidwardBound · 08/05/2023 08:40

Why are you trying to impose 50-50 residency on a 16 year old. Would you want to constantly switch between homes like that?

Talk to her about what she actually wants. Listen to her. What is coming across in your post is that you aren’t listening to her or thinking about things from her perspective at all.

MintJulia · 08/05/2023 08:45

DucksNewburyport · 08/05/2023 06:49

As she's 16, I'd let her choose OP. If you say yes she is more likely to develop a good relationship with you later than if you force her to stick to 50/50. At least she still wants a week with you, not full time with him.

This. It sounds like she's making her claim to adulthood and autonomy. I suspect you have usually been the one to require tidy rooms, home or bed by a certain time etc. And 50:50 is a horrible arrangement for some children, no matter what the courts think.

Let her go. You may find her coming back quite soon 🙂 Invest your extra free time in having fun with your ds.

fyn · 08/05/2023 09:02

My parents divorced when I was 16 and I chose to live with my Dad, I didn’t want to be shuffled about living out of a bag. I wanted my own bedroom where I could have my things, a desk for my studies, to be near my friends etc… I didn’t want to spend half my time sharing a room with my brothers having to do my school work from a kitchen table if I didn’t have to. My mother made it very difficult and it damaged our relationship for a long time. I think at 16 she should be able to decide what is best for her.

WheelsUp · 08/05/2023 09:06

You were lucky that she stayed until 16. A judge would let a 12 year old choose completely - even 100% with one parent.
You have no choice but to let it happen and just hope that she changes her mind. Why does she prefer dad?

Effieswig · 08/05/2023 09:14

Why do you think if it’s planned that it’s not normal teenage behaviour?

As my kids got older they wanted 50:50 less and wanted a base. It happened to be with me. Rules weren’t more relaxed here. But they were happier here. Wanting one base is entirely normal teenager behaviour. Being closers to one parent, when parents are separated, is normal teenage behaviour. If she wanted to be with you, would you be convinced it’s ‘not normal’ behaviour.

Reading your op it’s a lot about what you want. What your younger child wants, that there has to be a ‘bit normal’ reason she feels more comfortable with her other parent. There’s a hint of ‘I don’t like what she is doing so it must be wrong’ and ‘I don’t like the impact on me and my other child so she is wrong’. Maybe start centering her when it comes to this.

If you carry on like that, you will make this worse. If she does want to disengage with you, the best thing to do is to give her space. Let her know she is always loved and wanted. If she wants space and you try to cling on or guilt her into doing something because you miss her or you use your other child to guilt her, then you will push her further away.

GretaGood · 08/05/2023 09:17

Concerntrate on appearing a confident and successful woman living a full life. Happy to spend time with her DCs.

Nottodaty · 08/05/2023 09:18

It’s really tough & I can imagine it’s hard for you.

Im a great fan of 50/50 when it’s done fairly and only really works if the children are suited to it & listened to (without either parent mentioning what they demand) and mostly works if the parents get on and go-parent well - if there is confrontation it won’t work as well sadly.

But these arrangements only seem to work till their late teens and what then seems to happen is the teenager will choose to spend more time at one parent home - not because they prefer the parent it could be because it’s nearer to school/friends /skate park - fickle creatures teenagers.

heldinadream · 08/05/2023 09:26

She's 16 and learning to assert her own needs and individuality. Completely within the realms of normal. The more you push back the harder it'll get.

deepspace9 · 08/05/2023 09:30

My daughter is the same pattern of 50/50 although is only 13 and ok with it atm. I am aware that the time may come when she no longer wants to do that. It must be so so hard but honestly I'd let her go and do it. The more you hold on the more she'll pull away x

Sweetladyjane · 08/05/2023 09:32

My DC are younger and we did 50/50 for a long time but now my DD is 14 she’s stated very clearly that she doesn’t want this any longer. She spends more time with me as I’m closer to school / her friends but still calls her dad regularly and says she enjoys spending time with him more because she doesn’t feel the pressure of having to move every week.

I think 50/50 is great for younger children but eventually they will want a more fixed base and it’s our job as parents to facilitate that.

FWIW I think my DS will chose to spend more time at his dads as his interests are closer to where he lives so it’s not about me one upping their dad by having them spend more time with me.

crumpet · 08/05/2023 09:34

50/50 can be rotten for kids. They fee they have no “base”.

how would you feel about micro g to every other weekend plus a night in the week?

crumpet · 08/05/2023 09:35

-*moving

TheFireflies · 08/05/2023 09:40

Nottodaty · 08/05/2023 09:18

It’s really tough & I can imagine it’s hard for you.

This, really. 50/50 only works for the children in specific circumstances - when there is consistency in parenting style, and good communication. Where there’s conflict or disagreements it’s almost impossible and can be intolerable. Many children hate living out of suitcases, having to remember certain clothes or equipment. They may end up organising and compartmentalising their life instead of ever fully relaxing at home.

Your teen has expressed her feelings in a way which has hurt, but she’s 16. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or is rejecting you as her mum. The best thing you can do is squash down these feelings of rejection (I know it’s hard) and respect her wishes while letting her know you love her and your door is always open. She isn’t saying she’ll never see you, after all, just that she chooses a different arrangement.

RoseThornside · 08/05/2023 09:42

When you say that you "later found out she had googled..... " , how did you find this out? Did she tell you, or did you access her phone history somehow?

Inthebathagain · 08/05/2023 09:44

Ex and I also agreed 50/50. It took him 2 years to find his own place. DS16 saw him regularly through those 2 years. DD14 saw him less, as she saw his ongoing manipulative behaviour.

Ex only bought a 2 bed place, as DD, now 16, made it abundantly clear she was never going to stay with him 50/50. DS, now 18, does and has for about 8 months. He doesn't seem to be getting bored of it.

So my advice to you is be supportive and love her through it. She's becoming an adult. She's making her own decisions. She's got to live with those choices. X wasn't supportive, and has effectively lost his DD because of it.

Don't try to enforce your will, as your DD will go further from you.

EarFluff · 08/05/2023 17:09

Is the 50/50 thing for your benefit OP? As it clearly isn’t for your daughter’s benefit. Who would want to spend 50/50 time in two houses? I know I wouldn’t

FrownedUpon · 08/05/2023 17:18

I don’t blame her. She wants a base & not to be moved around constantly. The feelings of her brother aren't relevant. She doesn’t have to please her brother.

BCBird · 02/11/2023 10:17

As hard as it is gor u encourage her to fo as she wishes with your blessing. Don't see it as a reflection on u. You can spend quality tome together when she has mstured a bit. if parents had split,I would have wanted to be living with my dad.

Crunchingleaf · 02/11/2023 10:47

She is 16. You and your Ex should not of decided for her that it would be 50:50. She needs to be treated like a 16 year old and shown respect. 50:50 sounds incredibly disruptive for a young person of her age. Also it’s not up to her to be a support to her sibling around this as she has her own feelings to process.

You have two choices here alienate her further by pushing for 50:50 or offer an olive branch. Sit her down apologise for not involving her in the decision making process. Tell her the decision is hers and that obviously both parents want to spend time with her but obviously respect that she is now nearly an adult and that the door is always open.

I don’t know all the ins and outs of situation. It could be solely teenage rebellion or that she is laying the blame of the relationship breakdown and the impact it’s having on her solely on you. Teenagers can be notoriously black and white thinkers and you won’t win them over by fighting them.

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