Do you provide all clothes etc for visits to ex or does he have stuff???

[Fluffybubble]

At the moment I provide a bag of clothes for the weekend (including pyjamas), along with toothbrush, toothpaste etc. When ds is returned I also get a bag of dirty washing...

I have always done this (for 3 years now) but a friend, who is also a lone parent, sends her dc in what they are standing up in, and her exh has his own supplies at his house. Her exh returns the dc's original clothes in a bag unwashed, and she does the same with anything he has provided.

At the moment, money is a big issue, with my ex thinking that the maintenance he gives me is over and above what I need to live on (it's not!!). I am concerned that if I suggest that he provides clothes and other essentials for ds's visits (twice every 5 weeks) then he'll think it is me being petty. On the other hand, since he is intending to see him reguarly, shouldn't he have some bits for him???

Thanks!

Lostdad, your story sounds very similar to dh's. If I can give you some hope, he has gone from "I'm going to make sure you never see her again" to "you might as well hang on to her for the whole of half term". And from zero communication, refusing to speak to him, answer the phone, etc, "it's my way and there's no discussion" to texts that say "dd just got 2 A's and 3 B's in her school report - how great is she", "thanks for being a shoulder to cry on" and even those dreadful chain texts.

I never, ever thought I'd be saying this, but things can and do change. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. And I think one of the main factors in this was never fighting his x, never making things like whether dsd came with clothes or not an issue.

Hang on in there lostdad, and if I can ever give you any advice or empathy just ask .

I think that the control thing can come from the general sense of loss felt when a relationship breaks down. For the parent who has been left (or has the child taken away - lostdad) it is a threatening and frightening time. In order to retain / regain some sense of normality control does become an issue. I guess that it has to be directed - for example, my ex left when ds v young and has had contact as and when he can manage it. The majority of ds's care has, therefore, been down to me. He is still also v young and, as a result, I have found it hard to hand him over and trust my ex 100% with him. It has taken a long time to realise that my ex would never put ds in any form of danger (intentionally!) and that he does care for him in his own limited way.

I also think that the partner who has left has to accept that the person left behind is playing catch up, and is bound to be v hurt and angry. It is then hard to distinguish what is being purely (and naturally) defensive and protective of your dc (as it is possible to perceive that they have been left too, whatever the circumstances) and what is actually your personal anger and resentment dictating your decision-making ability. In the majoriy of cases I would think that it is a work in process... As surfermum said, if we can all hang in there and try to respect the roles that the other parent ( & step parents)have in bringing up healthy happy children then we'd all be a lot better off. ...so much easier said than done though ...

interesting, my dh's ex was the one who asked him to leave and then got pregnant fairly quickly and has been controling and disagreeable since. i have assumed she feels guilt and does the control thing to try to assuage it. she did wrong basically but i wish shed realsie it was 10 years ago and nobody cares anymore

ska - there are always exceptions...maybe she is not so keen on your dh moving on and being happy. Sounds like it might not be quite the rosy outcome she anticipated for herself...The trouble is, where dc are involved, it is not all about her..

So many different stories and viewpoints on here...v interesting!

YCNBS: Thanks for oyur supporting post.
Maybe my rant last night was not over the top then seeing as most posters agreed K20 was harsh! I certainly didnt ask for her attack thats for sure.
Glad we are not in the minority with thinking this is DSD home too and therefore she should be made to feel that way! DSD comes in clothes on a friday and goes home in those clothes on sunday. It is all about how the children feel and what is best for the children. My DSD is just as much part of my family as my DS and DD. When i first came on the scene 6 years ago DSD mum was awkward and controlling to then DP but when we got married things had to change and now we have a civil relationship with DSD mum. We do have times where we argue about minor things (forgotton coats or pick up times etc) but we are friendly and always put DSD first.

We have it from another angle. My step children come to us every 3 weeks (used to be every fortnight) but because we love them and want them to feel at home they have all the clothes they need here. They can bring anything from home that they particularly (toys, books etc) want to but clothes are all here so no need to bring a suitcase of clothes that won’t get used - plus they live a 4/5 hr round trip away from us so weather is noticeably different and things we needed weren’t always packed. The children are thrilled that they have stuff here with us but Mum doesn’t like that we’ve brought them clothes?! We can’t win.

I am having a bad situation right now about this very issue... my 3 step kids come EOW and I have been involved for 5 years. First the first 2 things were great... then my partner and the ex wifes relationship went sour due to money and CSA. We would always buy the kids clothes and trainers etc but suddenly these items were not allowed to go back to mums home. In fact everything we bought had to be returned to our house except phones and macbook interestingly enough. Very quickly all the clothes and trainers were outgrown due to non use. We then stopped buying anything but essential couple of change outfits. I know this unfair because I love shopping and would happily buy brand names that maybe are more affordable to us but I refuse to have them sat gathering dust... we went on a winter break last month and picked up the kids from home as we had already packed bags, they came out without coats on and says they weren't allowed to bring them. It's a horrible atmosphere with belongings being argued over... we cant spilt pay for xmas gifts as they are not allowed to travel between the houses so we refuse. Can I have some peoples thoughts on how this can possibly be improved? Thanks all :)

@Songbird232018 This thread is dated March 2008 you might get more response from new thread.