Do you provide all clothes etc for visits to ex or does he have stuff???

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At the moment I provide a bag of clothes for the weekend (including pyjamas), along with toothbrush, toothpaste etc. When ds is returned I also get a bag of dirty washing...

I have always done this (for 3 years now) but a friend, who is also a lone parent, sends her dc in what they are standing up in, and her exh has his own supplies at his house. Her exh returns the dc's original clothes in a bag unwashed, and she does the same with anything he has provided.

At the moment, money is a big issue, with my ex thinking that the maintenance he gives me is over and above what I need to live on (it's not!!). I am concerned that if I suggest that he provides clothes and other essentials for ds's visits (twice every 5 weeks) then he'll think it is me being petty. On the other hand, since he is intending to see him reguarly, shouldn't he have some bits for him???

Thanks!

Just found more replies...thanks ...

My ds is just four. I pack everything he could need, down to toothbrush & wellies. If his dad wants to take him swimming he texts me to tell me to provide swim stuff, including towel (am I just a mug??!!). He did have to buy some armbands once, as ours developed a puncture in the pool, but that's about it...He considers that the maintenance he pays should cover everything.

He has bought ds some presents for xmas that are specifically to keep at his house (I can see why, but a little hard on ds who can only "visit" these toys!!). Yes, I think he does feel like a visitor, and is actually increasingly reluctant to go. Exh now has new partner and baby, and a small house, so I don't think there is much room for ds's stuff (also, no bed, he sleeps on an airbed ).

Part of what made me ask this question was that ex has asked to take ds for hols for a week in the summer...was not planning to provide and pack for a week away, but will have to if it means that ds has what he wants/needs...

Oh, FB.... that's awful... I really feel for you and DS.

It's very unfair on your DS not to be able to bring toys back and forth, but having to bring PJs and swim trunks.... If your ex wants to buy specific stuff for 'his' house, I would strongly suggest he gets his priorities right and buys his son pants / socks / PJs and makes him feel at home when he's there.

As a 'step-mum', I pride myself on my DH's kids feeling welcome here at any time. They both have their own rooms, and have their own stuff here. There is no stress on the kids to 'clear' the room (There is some stress on them to CLEAN their rooms - a different story!!!!!!!!)

It's always difficult to expect kids to leave stuff. 13YO SD is really good at bringing whatever she wants to wear, but the 10YO often goes back in all her 'good' stuff and then comes in her uniform again!!! So, yes, we do make her leave some stuff here, but we do explain why and it's only neccessary stuff....

Yes, as step parents it IS difficult because we pay maintenence and then have to fund kids stuff here / have a larger house to accomodate the kids etc., but sorry.... that's the score...

When DH and I agreed to have this baby (DS due in May - our first together), we were totally agreed that both of his kids will continue to have rooms at our place (yes, this means moving to a larger house). Nor will we attempt to reduce maintenence to his ex. Our decision to have a baby is not automatically her problem.........
Now, to be fair, we've been together for 10 years so the kids are second nature in our lives... When they were younger, we did get more stuff from their mum (they liked to bring teddys, juice cups etc) and when they first came to stay with us, we only had a two bed appartment, but EVERY week, without fail, we demolished 'our' apartment and created 'the kids' apartment before they arrived........ Elder SD STILL refers to 'her' room in the apartment... We've only recently told her that it was actually our room and we moved out of it when she came so that she felt more at home....

Same goes for holidays - We take the kids skiing, then we provide ski gear (to be fair, their mum did provide some bits she had, but we wouldn't expect her to go and buy this stuff). Conversely, if she goes on holiday, I don't expect a phone call looking for a handout (this HAS happened!!!)

Sorry, long ramble... But you are really NOT being unreasonable or petty. FFS - surely your Ex can provide toothpaste and towels????????

Do you have a CO? What does it say in that about these extras?

Feel for you!

My ex has a selection of the boys clothes at his house, including pyjamas & school uniform, so I don't have to pack any clothes for them when they stay with him.

Ahh, thanks YCBS! Am used to it now, just began to wonder if I am being a bit daft when a friend said she doesn't send anything..!!

I am not really sure whether ds is truly welcome by exh's partner (and I am trying to remain objective!) as it is her house that they live in, it was a building site when she bought it and is still not v child friendly by all accounts (although since they have a baby now that may change..). Since new baby has arrived ex has reduced visits from four times in five weeks to twice in five weeks (he does shifts and is now responsible for child-care of new baby). A lot of this is just cicumstances, but there hasn't been a corresponding increase in effort to welcome my/our ds. I feel v for him when he has to go.

I really think that my ex will object strongly to having to provide anything at all, as he will only see this as a financial issue. He has said a few times that he cannot afford to give his gf anything towards their baby (altho' he is on a good salary), so think I may just stir up ill-will, with no real hope of a result!

I really admire your approach, and wish that it was similar in my situation. I think it is lovely that your SD felt so at home and it is a credit to you. In all likelihood, also, your new baby will have such a fantastic start with lots of adoring siblings and extended family (congratualations btw!!). My ds does not really know his half-brother and, again (like the whole situation really) this is regrettable.

We have a CO relating to maintenance, but this issue was not addressed. At the time ex left, ds was only just one, and we had not yet introduced overnight visits...I didn't think it through!!

Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate it .

Hmmm... I'm not a fan of suggesting solicitors, as they do tend to make situations worse (not to mention the £££££££££££ they cost!) but perhaps you could do a bit of homework?

What % of your Ex's salary do you receive, and how is that broken down between maintenence and child support? (I'm not, obviously, asking you to post details here, this is just food for thought!)

Your ex can look to vary maintenence after a few years, perhaps expecting you to work etc,. but I think child support is usually fixed (with annual increments) until a child is 16YO......

Personally, I think the courts can be very biased towards mothers (we had an ironic situation a few years ago, where the mum's salary was 'her own' and not taken into account but mine was taken into account to support the children.... God, that made me [mad] )

But, money aside, it costs next to nothing to make a child FEEL welcome in your home. I'd nearly suggest giving this bloke a £10 a month and tell him to think about what his son needs - not just texting you!!!

this is dreadful! i am a step mum of 2 and mum to a dd. we have a 4 bed house because of the 2 kids but its not any issue for us its just how it is. we used to send stuff back and forth like wellies and special toys but it got impractical. the kids shared a room at first and we involved them in choosing stuff for it and recently in our new house they decorated their own rooms. our kids feel that they have 2 homes and 2 families and my dsd recently told me 'i love my life' i asked if she didnt ever feel sad that mum and dad dont live together anymore and she said ' i got over that when i was six. you all love me so much and i get to do great stuff with everybody how could i not love my life?' i nearly cried i was so touched.
it is a long hard journey but worth it in the end, good luck.

HI youcannotbeserious

How does that work if your SD needs something that she doesn't have already?? like you say in your post how can you pack everything a kid might need.

sorry youcannotbeserious, just seen other posts

babette cole has a book ' 2 of everything' which we found very helpful with the 2 kids after their parents split up

I send clothes with ds when he goes to daddy's house. I have suggested I send clothes to be kept there but as he only goes one night a week they said not to as he wouldn't get the wear out of them. They do have toothbrush/toothpaste there for him though.

Perhaps you could send toiletries to be kept at daddy's house? then when they run out your ex might take the initiative and replace them?

I wouldn't expect him to have his own supply of clothes tbh.

I send swimming trunks if they are going swimming, but not towels, tbh honest I do think it's unfair to expect him to have these things if your ds is only going there twice every 5 weeks.

I send ds away on holiday with daddy each year, and I send his suitcase packed. He is paying me maintenance for that week and then feeding ds while away, so it's only fair I send his clothes. It's not like I don't have them already.

Ds also has toys that stay at daddy's house, I have enough here and don't need extra clutter! I think if you put a positive spin on it, making them 'special' toys, then your ds will be fine with it.

PIllock - I really do agree with your sentiment...

BUT.... (there's always a but!)

Over the years, we've found it much nicer not to have the time planned out - and having our own stuff makes that much easier..

Plus, I think for the child's sake, it's better to have some stuff so they don't feel like a visitor...

If I pick my SDs up from school on a Friday, I don't have to worry about trying to collect a suitcase of 'stuff' for them, they have enough here...

It just makes life a bit more flexible...

(As I said, though, my SDs are older now... When they were younger they did bring more stuff, because they needed teddies etc.)

I can see that as time goes on it will be easier to have things there, and when he starts school it might not be as exciting to take a suitcase to school!

I guess our situation is different because I'm on very good terms with ex, so he can call in for the swimming kit if he needs it, and usually onlt goes because I've suggested it in the first place! Also, ds goes every Friday night, coming home on Saturday, so doesn't need as much 'stuff' as if he went for the entire weekend.

You are looking at it from the other side though, and it is your choice to have those things at your house, I don't think ex partners should be expected to do it.

Yes, I am coming at it from the other side - It's my choice to want my SDs to feel 'at home' with their dad.

We've worked hard to achieve that, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was proud of it.

It's not really about material stuff, it's about the child feeling welcome, wanted, loved by both parents. When I became involved with my DH, I did expect to make an effort with his kids, because they were / are part of the deal.

But I still think a dad should have the basics... I mean, at 4YO, what if DC gets sick / has accident / spills drink?

I'm not, at all, suggesting that kids get two of everything, but just little things that make them feel at home.

I think you have every right to be proud

one thing that p's me off is when the kids need special stuff, like orthodontal/medical acoutrements dh's ex expects me to get it so i have it here too. half the time its prescription stuff, i think she doesnt think but its dreadful not having an essential not here for them (and teenagers need more stuff like this than I ever did) and having 2 lots is basically wasteful. i wish she could anticipate it and not have dsd turning up saying i need soup for tea today as my brace hurts so much i cant chew and me having prepared tacos or whatever! small stuff but annoying to me

Will go back and read thread but I send my children to their dads (one night at the weekend every week, the odd full weekend and 1 week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer) with all the clothes that they need. I do not include toothpaste or pyjamas - only every day to day clothes.

We also have a joint savings fund (he reduced my money by £30 a month but pays £60 into a savings fund) and this pays for school trips, school uniform, swimming lessons, etc.

I have never thought that I would not send clothes for them to wear as they live with me 6 days out of 7 and I have lots of spare clothes.

we're 3 nights in every school week and 50% of all holidays so we need stuff here.

Sounds a bit off but I guess if your ex won't make any sensible provision, you'll end up doing what is best for your DS even if your ex benefits from that.

My DH's sons have all their stuff here and we would hate the thought of them arriving like guests. This is their home also. We're easy about them taking clothes and toys between houses (after all, they are their belongings and it's not their fault they are split between two houses).

Feel for you. I'd be really frustrated. Perhaps you can put it to your ex from your son's point of view - you're worried that he might feel like a visitor in his dad's house and leave him to think about it and hopefully do the right thing?

I think that my main concern is that ds does feel like a visitor - I haven't expected exh to provide anything at all and I have just been wondering if this is a helpful long term approach...

I agree that it is silly to duplicate things like shoes, when ds is growing at a rate of knots but maybe things like toothbrush etc aren't so unreasonable. The other reason that I haven't really addressed this before is because ex sees ds relatively little now (it used to be a lot more), but in a backwards kind of way I think that this makes it even more important that ds feels at home...

I really admire YCBS's and ska's approach and would be really pleased if this was the case for my ds. YCBS - Our maintenance is staggered so that I have a year after ds starts school to train, then it is reduced in accordance with my (then) earning capacity. I know from posts on MN that I do very well in comparison to a lot of people tht receive nothing from their ex, but it is still not enough to live on! Money is an issue that is v close to my ex's heart and I feel that it would be a fruitless effort to try to persuade him to provide anything for ds in reality. I think that it may be an option if I did offer him a nominal amount each month, perhaps... What it really comes down to, like you say, is being made to feel welcome, not the money.

I think it really does come down to 'feelings'...

I'm really at a loss as to what to suggest because, as POTC rightly pointed out, I'm coming at this from the other side.

I'm not sure how you convince a non custodial parent to change things.... You could try sending stuff for your DS to keep at dads, but that's not going to help much if that stuff gets put into a box....

Sorry...

Thanks for all of your help..I think I have concluded that things would be different in an ideal world, but not sure that description will ever apply to my situation .

Hell, none of us has an ideal situation!!

I am sure there have been quite a few times when my DSD's mother could have happily throttled me........

ANd I admit that the opposite has also been true!!!!

I used to send ds to his dads in nice clothes but they either went missing and he came back in clothes full of holes belonging to his dad's gf's five year old, or they came back trashed.

So I went out and bought him a whole load of new stuff, just for the same thing to happen again, leaving me with nothing nice to take him out in at all.

Now, he goes in his school uniform with one change of half decent but not great clothes and if his dad wants him to look nicer he can bloody well buy some himself, after all, he pays me nothing.

I think that's pretty much the ideal situation. (not that you don't get any ££ ST!)

Not too much to worry about, clothes to go back in. dad involved / responsible for welfare of child for his time....

Even though, looking back, I did appreciate SD's mum sending stuff, I used to make a list of everything she sent to make sure it all went back.

She got stressed if something was missing. We got stressed if we lost / broke / damaged something (We ruined a day in Legoland many years ago, because we lost DSD's shoe and we were all so bl**dy panicked about it, we left early to go and buy her some new ones, which, of course, weren't the same / right IYKWIM, so we all ended up having a pants day)

It's a no win situation unless the divorced parents have a really good relationship (and let's be honest, most divorced couples, err... don't quite see eye to eye!!) and I do actually think it's good for NCPs to be involved in some of the mundane stuff - even if it's figuring out what DC will wear.