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Lone parents

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Original poster

Do you provide all clothes etc for visits to ex or does he have stuff???

83 replies

Fluffybubble · 15/02/2008 15:52

At the moment I provide a bag of clothes for the weekend (including pyjamas), along with toothbrush, toothpaste etc. When ds is returned I also get a bag of dirty washing...

I have always done this (for 3 years now) but a friend, who is also a lone parent, sends her dc in what they are standing up in, and her exh has his own supplies at his house. Her exh returns the dc's original clothes in a bag unwashed, and she does the same with anything he has provided.

At the moment, money is a big issue, with my ex thinking that the maintenance he gives me is over and above what I need to live on (it's not!!). I am concerned that if I suggest that he provides clothes and other essentials for ds's visits (twice every 5 weeks) then he'll think it is me being petty. On the other hand, since he is intending to see him reguarly, shouldn't he have some bits for him???

Thanks!

OP posts:
BrownSuga · 15/02/2008 15:55

We keep clothes for DH's DD here, so her DM doesn't need to send anything. She gets picked up from school by DH on Friday in uniform, I'm not sure what he sends her back in though.

NatalieJane · 15/02/2008 15:55

Isn't there a way to meet in the middle? I think sending tooth paste is a bit OTT TBH.

In an ideal world yes your ex should have these things for your DS, but if you think it is just going to cause problems, I'd send his clothes and tooth brush and let your ex supply the rest. Surely he has tooth paste, soap, shampoo ect. already anyway?

Original poster
Fluffybubble · 15/02/2008 15:57

Nope, doesn't have anything for our ds, who is 4 btw, as he thinks that I should provide it with money that he gives me (even toothpaste!).

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 15/02/2008 16:03

I have two stepsons. They have a fully equipped bedroom and bathroom here, with sheets, towels, pyjamas, toothbrushes, shower gel, shampoo etc etc that I often replace. They also have some t-shirts that seem to live here (and that I wash) but that sometimes get rotated.

We buy most of their clothes, but most of their clothes live (and are washed) at their mother's house. They get sent back to their mother's house with dirty laundry for the simple reason that their mother has a singularly underemployed full-time nanny for them paid for by my partner, so nanny does their washing/ironing.

FrayedKnot · 15/02/2008 16:19

DSCs always had toothbrushes, hairbrushes, pyjamas etc at our house but not many clothes because otherwise things seemed to get in a bit of a muddle with school uniforms etc. I did sometimes wash their stuff and send it home clean esp if they were staying for longer than a night or two.

Anna8888 · 15/02/2008 16:31

Thinking about it, our concern has always been that my stepsons feel as at home as possible wherever they are - here or at their mother's - and so we try to minimise suitcases. Clothes tend to travel, because they are attached to them and want to wear whatever is newest. But pyjamas, toothbrushes etc stay put.

Original poster
Fluffybubble · 15/02/2008 16:47

Thanks all- that's why I've always sent ds's own things, so he is comfortable and has familiar things around him. Now that he's a bit older though I think that this may not be such an issue. He is also sleeping on an airbed at exh's house, so I don't think he feels like he belongs there - I guess that's what it comes down to...

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 15/02/2008 17:46

If the child has two homes then he should have his own things at each home. If the child is staying overnight at the other parent's home then the CSA calculations is reduced by 1/7th to take into the expenses. Therefore the non resident parent has that additional money to provide the food, toiletries, clothes, activities etc rather than paying it to the resident parent.

Of course it seems silly to have two coats and two sets of shoes when your child will wear such things between homes and outgrow them pretty fast. But pj's, toothbrush, underwear, drinking cups etc really don't need to travel imo.

shelleylou · 15/02/2008 20:26

I used to send toys etc aswell, now my ex has the same clothes sent for ds every fortnight as i was fed up of have new clothes ruined. He keeps sayin he cant afford to buy them and what he gives me in maintance covers everything ds needs. (only recieve £10 of it)As for toys i sent some up there that are doubles or him n his mum bought cos ive had that thrown in my face. I have the 'theyve been washed' clothes but smell as though they aint bag of washing.

Surfermum · 15/02/2008 20:40

DSD has always had clothes and toys here, so has come in what she stood up in. I've always bought extra for holidays too. I think it's much nicer for dsd to have all her stuff here, than arrive with a suitcase like a visitor. She isn't a visitor, she's a member of the family but isn't here all the time.

It's only now she's older and fashion conscious that she wants to take stuff home with her, so things tend to be either at one home or the other, and that's cool.

singledadofthree · 15/02/2008 20:45

when my kids were young they always took clean/overnight clothes with them. ex didnt have any for them and never wanted any. would just send them back with bags of stuff to be washed. was always that way.

Aimsmum · 15/02/2008 20:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fluffybubble · 15/02/2008 21:41

Thanks everyone!

Surfermum- that's how it should be, imo, in an ideal world. I feel disappointed on Ds's behalf that he travels with his bag of belongings and is treated as a visitor. On the other hand, as long as he has what he wants/needs then I guess that's all that matters. Ex just makes me with lack of thought/effort but then I think that's why I divorced him in the first place .

OP posts:
dylsmum1998 · 18/02/2008 13:59

hi i send my dd to her dads in what she's wearing he has several outfits at his house. he washes waht she is wearing when i drop her off and keeps it for next time she stays. this works well for us

Nikki77 · 18/02/2008 14:31

Hi. My children c their dad when they visit their nan, his mum as he lives with her. I used 2 send the children with several outfits but i never got them back so i talked 2 her and she said she wil keep some clothes at her house 4 them so now they just go in what they are wearing and she sends them back with the same clothes on, she washes them before putting them back on i will just add!

brightwell · 18/02/2008 19:27

I always used to send my dc with 2 full changes of clothes for the weekend when they went to their dad but got sick of the clothes not being returned, to the point I had to go and buy more clothes for them.

IdreamofClooney · 19/02/2008 12:59

My Ex has DS for two afternoons a week and refuses to have him over night.

I have to provide everythig, including food for DS.

Ex has NOTHING in his house for DS and we ended up having an arguement over the fact that he refused to buy a potty for DS to use at his house while he was tehre. If DS has an accident Ex wil put clothes in a bag and give back to me to wash, and any left over food is also left in a bag for me to deal with sigh

I get pretty fed up as have to buy everything including toys and books for Ex to have at his house but I suppose the bottom line is you want your child to be happy and comfortable so if you dont trust your ex to manage to provide shampoo etc then if necessary just keep providing!

nappyaddict · 03/03/2008 11:19

hijack

IdreamofClooney · 03/03/2008 11:31

Hi Nappyaddict

My walking is out of necessity, not so much for fun!

I walk everywhere as I don;t have a car and I find using the bus with a two year old a buggy and various bags stressful at the best of times but just impossible during rushhour (ie when I need to use it most)

I walk DS to nursery and then onto my work five days a week, walk out side for half and hour at lunch time, then walk back to collect DS then home. That is five miles easily - I walk v v fast and get the 2 miles in about half an hour.

At the weekends we tend to be out and abut all day with DS mostly in the buggy and go to the park, to the shops to the trains etc which are all a fair walk from us as we live about 2 - 2.5 miles out of the city centre.

To be honest given all the walking I do I would hope to be feeling fitter but I don;t feel (or look!) any fitter/slimmer than others I know who drive everywhere but I am just in the habit now so don;t notice it most of the time except when I am ill or tired then it is hard.

nappyaddict · 03/03/2008 12:36

how much would you say you do in one go iyswim.

Youcannotbeserious · 03/03/2008 12:48

I have two DSDs and we provide everything they need while they are with us.

In fact, they usually turn up in just their school uniform and go back in regular clothes (with school uniform in a bag).

As far as I can see, we also provide most of the clothes they have at their mums.

We also pay for their phones and pocket money (while at their mums).

In fact... I am really struggling to see what their mum actually pays for other than food!

Seriously, though, I don't think it's fair that you should have to send clothes with your children. The other parent should be set up with enough stuff - I mean, are you supposed to know if it's going to be cold or what the activities are?

I think you should suggest that he provides some of these items himself. Far nicer for the child to not have to be responsible for carrying a toothbrush round!!!

Rosasmum · 03/03/2008 13:37

Hi Fluffybubble

I think that your ex should be providing anything your lo needs whilst he is in his care. There may be bits and pieces that your lo chooses to take with him but essentially your ex should have toothbrush, toothpaste, towel, clothes and shoes, toys, food etc. Your lo should be made to feel welcome at your ex's home and having to take everything he needs with him will not make your son feel welcome, more like a visitor.

I believe that when the courts are involved, one of the stipulations they make when setting contact orders is the non-resident parent must provide everything their child needs whilst in their care. If your ex thinks you are being petty, then he is the one being petty, not thinking about your son and thinking more about his control over your relationship.

Being a parent is not just about every other weekend, it is a full time responsibility and it sound like your ex needs reminding of this.

ska · 03/03/2008 13:41

we buy basic stuff for the 2 dsc who are with us 40% but not uniform as it is just daft having 2 sets (well more really). we get trainers & waterproofs & wellies and buy 'special' clothes for holidays etc. clothes tend to go back and forth as they get phases of loving one outfit and hating everything else. it kind of works out. Main winter coat bought by their mum as we used to do it so when they needed it whoever they were with got it and adjusted the maintenance but then one year she hated our choice and ever since has insisted on buying it! it is a control thing - i used to get really p**d off about it but can't be bothered aymore. the kids don't suffer unless tehy forget to bring clothes - one w/end the boy had to wear pyjama top as a t shirt - didn't bother him one jot!

Youcannotbeserious · 03/03/2008 15:04

Fluffybubble....

How old is your DC? It can't be nice for him to have to bring all these items to and from his dad's house......

It must be very stressful for him - if he forgets something with you, then he doesn't have it for the weekend and if he forgets something at dad's, then either dad will have to drive it over later or you have to have two........

Like Ska, my SDs do tend to bring stuff back and forth now (13YO especially) but this is because she has the clothes she likes and it makes more sense. We still keep basics - undies / toothbrushes / PJs / coats / shoes / swimstuff etc - here....

Can I ask what happens at his dads? Don't they ever do anything spontaneously, like go swimming or cycling? I'm struggling to see how you could pack everything a kid MIGHT need for a weekend... and what happens for holidays etc?

BTW, Rosasmum - our CO specifically says that my SD's mum is to provide all items we need (maintenence and CS was calculated on that basis)

ElenorRigby · 03/03/2008 16:31

My DP has everything his DD needs here, her own beautiful bedroom, her own playroom, loads of clothes, toys and all toiletries/medication she requires.
This is all entirely separate from his ex's supply of clothes etc for their DD. He asks nothing of his ex.
He also returns DD to the ex in the clothes she came in but he always launders them even if she stays over for just one night.