Stepmothers says

[Mothersdayschmothersday]

My DC are guest in her house. They are constantly being told this and it’s starting to take its toll.

For context, it’s a newly purchased house bought a year after their father married there stepfather who he met 2 years previously.

She works part time.

So as not to drip feed and I’ve named changed as it’s outing but he was and is still highly abusive so I can’t say a damn thing to him.

Can’t stop contact as they want it but how do I handle this?

What can I say to them so they feel less excluded. Their father won’t stand up for them either, and lets his wife call the shots. She has made it clear she doesn’t like the DC being around for too long but whatever it’s only EOW anyway.

@Birdsbirdsbirds if you read my OP you will see what I asked for. I felt it was quite clear.

If you want to derail threads and turn it into something else AIBU is a few clicks away.

She was & still is a good friend but I know that’s because I wasn’t there all the time

@Mothersdayschmothersday I can feel your anger in your posts and I'm going to be very blunt (my asd talking sadly so please don't think I mean this harshly)

I think your anger is at the wrong person. And I wonder if the children are picking up on it.

Sm says your children are a guest in their home, so was this a response to the children maybe treating the house poorly be being messy and asked to tidy up a spill ext/ playing up ? You know kids, your their mum they will want to please you. They can probably sense your contempt for sm and want to say the right thing. They could be stuck in a loyality bind.

So my exDH was kicked out by me 8 months pregnant with my Dd, after finding out he was having a long standing affair after the loss of my first child. He said grief made him cheat but that's a story for another day. For a very long time I was incredibly angry at her until a friend pointed out to me that it was my ex who broke his vows and my trust and maybe I was angry at her because I couldn't sort out my ex being a twat so I was angry at the person who I thought I would have more success at changing. Does that make any sense ?

And my Dd was picking up on it and acting up. I could say it was just deserts (my ex did marry the ow so now Dd sm) but it was causing my child pain. And although I was still really cross, I toned it back massively. My daughter was more settled and years after i still think my ex is a twat 😂 but sm cares for my Dd because they were able to build a relationship outside of a loyalty bind (one I didn't even realise I had created). Although it stung at the time. I know see more people to care about my Dd the better.

The problem with being angry and hurt is the people who become part of the collateral damage that weren't supposed to be - my Dd and me. It was freeing and frankly I operate on a unless it's a safety issue it's just not my concern. Hard so bloody hard.

But on the reverse I am now a sm (worth and hard) and god it's hard. I love my DSC dearly but she hated me for a long time (parents split years ago, because every kid deep down wants their parents back together) I'm more like a friendly aunty or another trusted adult. It took time for the dust to truly settle. I'm sure her mum had DSC ranting about me for a while, but when mum said hey give her a chance, she did. Thankfully. And me and mum get on (usually) and DSC comes to me with things she feels she can't ask her parents ect but I know I'm not trying to replace mum in anyway and I think sm think the same.

I can see your hurt and frustrated and that's completely normal. But I do think focusing on her stops you addressing the problems with him. She may be a issue but he's a bigger one.

I also have sympathy with the abuse you faced with your ex. I work probono in the sector and from what I have seen. Your perspective gets fucked for a long while post being with someone like this because your so used to him blaming, you,the kids, the dining room table rather him. It's engrained but you can and will unlearn it. But I promise you if you wanna tackle this. Change the focus. Otherwise you give him the tools to blame someone else for his actions and that helps no one.

There's a lot of grey in blended families, and for everyone's sanity it's best to just avoid trying to influence another house. The kids will see it eventually as long as dad doesn't convince them that everyone else is to blame for his failings.

Happy to chat in pm if you need to x

Sm says your children are a guest in their home, so was this a response to the children maybe treating the house poorly be being messy and asked to tidy up a spill ext/ playing up ? yeah that's my thoughts. Maybe she's asking the children to have a little more respect

The dad doesn't care he's an arse hole and possibly she's sick of doing everything and the kids are just one more thing....the financial split is irrelevant....but you seem to be annoyed she exists but don't want the arsehole anyway maybe just get over her.

Important: we separated almost ten years ago and I’ve been in a relationship for almost that amount of time too!! I’ve moved on aaaaaages ago! The anger is only there when I have reports of ‘incidents’, I ignore the day to day moaning of oh I was told off because I forgot xyz and we were late for swimming type stuff. Day to day normal life stuff.

But right so we are going after the DC now, they are no more messy than most children, and one is militantly organised, and it was not in relation to that. They wouldn’t dare leave a mess in their room as he would explode. Quite literally.
In any case she claims everything belongs to her not them, the family pets included so it’s a mindset.

I do not ever discuss her with the DC and I’m irritated but mostly indifferent to their father with the exception of when they come back upset because of what they experience when they are there. Then I am angry, they are my children I want them to be happy in both households. But I can’t control what goes on there so I don’t think about it until I am forced to.

There is a history of things being said by her and it’s a given he’s at fault for allowing them to be exposed to her her - she apparently threatened to hit me as their father was upset about a contact arrangement and they overheard - that’s a whole superstar thread. So to be quite frank those that want to build their own narrative please feel free but it doesn’t mean it’s correct.

I’m sure some posters would love to feel I am sitting at home fuming about them but I’m just not, only the fact he’s an arse and he’s chosen a dud, I’m frustrated at my poor decision making with him of course, that’s what is being picked up on.

If there is contempt it’s for him, she is irrelevant to my life but relevant to my DCs.

And even if they were messy af, making a child feel excluded is a shit thing to do.

I feel I’m labouring my points here but I don’t want to discuss with them any of what goes on at their fathers unless necessary eg if they are upset about what has been said. and this is for many reasons.

I take what I’m told by DC with a pinch of salt but they are not prone to exaggeration and I am capable of telling when they are relaying situations when they’ve been not well behaved to when they are genuinely upset because someone did a shitty thing.

So instead of finding all the excuses under the sun why it’s my anger and their messiness which is causing her to say these things, I asked for suggestions of what to say to the DC to stop them being upset about the fact it’s being reinforced they have less than the home they used to have with their father before he married their stepmother.

@jannier thats funny, he does everything cooking, cleaning as he’s a control freak, and he takes them to his parents much do the time so on the EOW weekend she doesn’t have to engage with them. She signed of for a father with two kids so should have figured it wouldn’t be a plain, so the fact I’m impacted and my DC because he’s a dick is really not my concern, I’m just glad he’s not my problem. And talking about him and her is really grating now. I asked for specific things to say to the DC not unpack crap from over ten years ago.

I don’t need to get over her as I’ve explained a million times, the only reason im discussing her is because SHE said something and has before which negatively impacting my DC - I’d their father had said if I’d be discussing HIM.

I raised it with him a while ago and was met with that fact I did xyz when we were together so I’m in the wrong anyway. No logic to that but ok.

Anyway I give up on this thread, still a few posters who have kindly offered insight and shared their personal experiences. So thank you to those, the rest, why come on here create a narrative then get pissy when I clearly state that’s not the case, hardly the first on a thread I suppose.

'So instead of finding all the excuses under the sun why it’s my anger and their messiness which is causing her to say these things, I asked for suggestions of what to say to the DC to stop them being upset about the fact it’s being reinforced they have less than the home they used to have with their father before he married their stepmother.'

Almost every response on MN now seems to be exactly this OP and I'm sure it prevents so many people from ever posting anything. I'm sorry you are getting such negativity.

I think I'd just be honest with my children without being personal or nasty ( obvs not easy) something like 'I'm sorry she is making you feel unwelcome and I can't tell you why that is happening but I know your Dad loves you very much, you can tell me anything you like and we can always talk it out'

Just tell your kids they'll have to speak to their dad if they want it to change as you have no input there.

@Mothersdayschmothersday well I'm sorry for one if you feel like I'm making up a narrative (that's not scarky - it's genuine) it certainly wasn't my intention.

I can only speak for myself but I was trying to give you another perspective. And frankly im not sure how we can help.

What I and other posters have pointed out is you can't control what goes down in another house and there isn't any witty comebacks to that. It's shit. But that's it, and you do seem angry at the sm and a lot of people have pointed out less angry at your ex. That's not correct.

If the kids are messy someone who is half owner of the house (regardless of how much or what she contributes to the house - since again your on the outside looking in so your not going to know) does have a right to say hey look respect the house. And since you can't tell what exactly goes down in that house (since you don't live there) you cannot say for 100% it's definitely this way or that. That's not a attack on your kids or you.

People are allowed to have their own rules for their own house.

Personally I'm a little wary of people who won't entertain the thought and hit out at those trying to help.

I don't think I can contribute anymore to this thread as I have clearly inflamed things . But you posted asking for advice so a small part of you must be willing to actually hear other perspectives. Unless you wanted a echo chamber and to be fair I suppose MN is good at those.

Good luck. I hope things settle down for you.

You have been separated for ages so your children are not that little. If they say anything just tell the truth 'i think it's sad your stepmother feels like that and I can understand how that may feel for you, I'm sorry' ....and then leave it alone, this is your DC's path to navigate unfortunately.

I'm going to play devils advocate here.

Sadly there's not really a whole lot you can do. You can't control how others behave. Regardless of her financial contributions, it is the SMs home too and as much as I'd never condone any nastiness towards your DCs, I can maybe see where she's coming from. It's maybe just being taken the wrong way. If the DCs are only there 4 days a month, I doubt they will feel like it's their home even if she was the nicest SM alive. Do they have their own bedrooms there, clothes etc. Or do they take a bag each time they visit?

SMs are not obligated to like their DSCs however when it crosses over to nastiness that is a problem, and one that your ex should be dealing with if he wants to continue seeing his DCs.

I'm an SM and have a great relationship with my DSCs. They live with us just over 50% so in my case it's different because my home is their home. Our house rules are vastly different to the DSCs mum's. Things are a bit more relaxed there whereas we have firmer boundaries in place. Not that it happens often now, but we have had to reiterate house rules, and say "well this isn't mum's house, the rule here is bla bla bla...". Is it possible SM is just doing that but wording it wrongly? Again, not condoning any nasty behaviour, but I can't imagine it's easy having someone else's kids that you don't particularly like decent on your home every other weekend, who are perhaps used to living in a certain way that messes with your usual home vibe.

In terms of speaking to the kids. I'd maybe just remind them that they need to abide by any rules at dad's house and perhaps avoid SM as much as possible. Other than that there's not much you can do. Things can't be that bad if they're still wanting to go so just try and switch off from what goes on on your exs house.

Thanks to the reasonable posters. It’s not messiness or rule abiding or lack thereof. Contact was actually stopped when she first moved in as there was a report to the school by one of the DC so once investigations were over it was recommended they go back and further to that they were very unhappy it was stopped as that couldn’t see their father even though there were serious issues.

That is all I will say on the matter and I’m only saying this because some posters STiLL insist on trying to convince me that I am not making enough allowances for the step mother conduct.

Yes yes I know it’s the fathers fault for staying with someone who mistreats his kids and whilst it may be deemed not that bad, withholding contact is not appropriate.

jesus this is exhausting and a total pointless exercise but it would be interesting to understand the background of the posters who insist on justify certain behaviour from the stepmother is remotely ok again yes yes his fault for allowing it 🙄that as I said is a given.

Since your most recent post and the one above

Not one poster has implied this :

STiLL insist on trying to convince me that I am not making enough allowances for the step mother conduct.

What has been said repeatedly that it's shit but there not a lot you can do about it as you can't control another's house.
The only one who can have any impact on sm behaviour is your ex.

Frankly no one has been nasty to you on this post. Some have disagreed with you but that's different nastiness.

@hourbyhour101

it was also I in fact who clearly stated I can’t and have no interesting in controlling what goes on over there, but there are posters attributing all sorts of reason to why there are these behaviour from their stepmother which I will not accept because it’s not why this is happening.

At what point have I accused anyone of being nastiness? Antagonistic and deliberately obfuscating maybe but not directly nasty.

To address the disagreeing point, how can someone disagree by making and incorrect assumption as to what’s happening? I mean it’s just illogical.

id be interested as I said to understand where these posters are coming from when they make these assumptions and draw their conclusions, the most reasonable balanced and kindest pists have come from those who’ve actually shared their experiences instead of throwing out a bunch of words designed to inflame.

@Mothersdayschmothersday look contrary to what you may think. People are trying to point out to you that you actually don't know why it's happening.

If she had said I hate your Dc. They aren't welcome here ect sure I would be completely in agreement but the turn of phrase you have written down doesn't often get said in insolation. And actually my advice would be the same.

If I said I hate a man named bill. People would be like ok why and maybe think I'm being unreasonable. If I explain that he killed one of my children and has been threatening to burn down my house then peoples views change.

But you are hearing a 2nd hand what has happened. And getting annoyed by it. There is two sides to every story and I'm not condoning what sm has done, but I would be a fool to blindly nod and go yes hideous (because that doesn't actually help)

Others aren't saying making a child unwelcome is ok . However they are giving possibilities of what could be happening (because you cannot know for definite). You don't have to accept that fact. That's fine but you refusing to entertain other reasons as to whats could happening is pretty at odds for asking for help on a public forum.

No one has called you names, implied your the bad guy in this at all. Which is nastiness and does happen here. I certainly get why your angry.

If the level of anger is on here a smidgen of what it's like at home then yes your kids will pick up on it. And actually it's going to cause you more upset in the end.

I can be completely empathetic with what you have posted but also point out that I think your being a tad unreasonable getting very upset with people offering a point of view differing from your own aka her finances/ or how often she works isn't anything to do with you.

It seems to me like your hurting and in mumma bear mode. At some point however you have got to realise lashing out at the wrong people will do you actual harm.

For your sanity (not for your ex or sm) I suggest you mentally distance yourself from this situation. You will drive yourself nuts and it all sounds incredibly tiring.

I know you don't think I'm being kind here or just have some emotional backstory to why I'm saying this to you. And your right, but I'm saying it to you not because I want to excuse sm or dad. Because I have been in a similar position as you and I remember feeling like this and wanting it to stop.

Again I really do hope the situation calms down for you 💐

@hourbyhour101 kindness doesn’t enter into this, you are not listening at all and I’m not going to repeat my posts, but as I’ve given some insight, I do have an idea as to why it’s happening. When I explain that the stick response is oh well his his fault so excuses that was said. We all know and it’s a given the ultimate responsibility is his BUT she said it so how in gods names can I explain the situation without making that statement of fact.

Just because I’m refuse to accept the BS such as my DC are making a mess so that’s why they need to be reminded they are only there is they behave and posters don’t like it doesn’t mean I have an angry home, another aspersion cast, which is at this point tiresome.

I understand you may be personalising my experience due your own but I am completely detached until I have a report that my children’s happiness has been compromised. A normal reaction as I I didn’t care I would just ignore it and leave primary school age DC to navigate adult fuckery on their own. That wouldn’t be normal in my view. If they came home and said oh I was told off by stepmother because o was running around and broke something then I can hardly say oh you poor thing, yes she’s mean and horrible, you can do as you please. I mean I have to spell this out which is ludicrous.

finally the situation is calm not sure why because I’m having to repeatedly explain (yes I can step away) on a internet forum why the wrong conclusions of posters is wrong my home life is angry and not calm. Just odd.

Your ex also sounds like an arse, so we have that in common 😉

@Mothersdayschmothersday you sound quite unreasonable on this thread as apart from the stepmother not being nice and you not liking your ex I don't get what you are getting so het up about, as there is nothing you can do other than sympathise with your DC and if we are all missing the point, then you haven't conveyed your point clearly. What do you want to happen/expect people to say?
You said you had been separated 10 years so your DC are at least 10 years old. I have similar aged DC and am divorced so I have given you the advice/words that I would give mine.

This would have been more useful in your OP. I never say this so it's a first on a thread but this is a bit of drip feed! Instead of putting emphasis on "she works part time" in the OP, which is completely irrelevant here and certainly not something that needs pointing out (that sounded petty), the "investigations" by the school should have been the focus to back up your post about the evil sm.

I don't really know why it matters if the kids were being messy, or even if they were being downright rude (and if they were, I'd want to explore why anyway), you still don't tell your partners kids that they are only guests in their fathers home. It is really shitty.

It is also really shitty of a father to allow that to happen.

The question in the OP was only essentially "how do I make my kids feel better about it"

@Mothersdayschmothersday having seen your kids are that bit older given how long you have been separated, I would be a little less worried about how I spoke about it (compared to my earlier post saying I don't think you can). The next time the children said something along those lines I would probably answer something like "I am sorry she doesn't make you feel more welcome. Your dad loves you and wants you there and you shouldn't be made to feel like a guest...."

How would ex react if they told him what she says? If he might talk to her about it then I would encourage them to be open with him about how it makes them feel ("...have you spoken to your dad about it? Maybe you could come up with ways to make it feel more like home together"), but if he treats them in the same way he used to treat you I would be more inclined to tell them they don't have to go if they don't feel comfortable there!

It’s not their home! They are guests. She’s being honest.

We have a similar issue with this actually, it’s caused so much damage.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all in your thinking.

@Katbum why do you think this?

Because it’s not their family home - it’s their father and stepmother’s home. There will be rules and boundaries and expectations that may not meet what happens ‘in their home’. This is fine as stepparents are allowed to call shots in their own marital hime. When a marriage ends, sadly, so does any expectation of a nuclear family set up. This is the fault of the bio parents - step parents are not obliged to accommodate dscs as if they are bio children of marriage. Stepparents are legally and morally entitled to call the shots in their own homes and unless they want to be a replacement nuclear family, stepchildren will have to bear the new dynamic. Yes it’s crap, but the crapness lies in the inevitably of difficulty for the kids when a break up happens - we hope it is better on balance. But that’s not a given.