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Original poster

Stepmothers says

55 replies

Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 22:34

My DC are guest in her house. They are constantly being told this and it’s starting to take its toll.

For context, it’s a newly purchased house bought a year after their father married there stepfather who he met 2 years previously.

She works part time.

So as not to drip feed and I’ve named changed as it’s outing but he was and is still highly abusive so I can’t say a damn thing to him.

Can’t stop contact as they want it but how do I handle this?

What can I say to them so they feel less excluded. Their father won’t stand up for them either, and lets his wife call the shots. She has made it clear she doesn’t like the DC being around for too long but whatever it’s only EOW anyway.

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CandleInTheStorm · 04/04/2023 22:51

You appear to put all the blame on the SM. Her working part time is neither here nor there either. Its the father you should be aiming your anger at, they are his kids and he needs to do more.

If the SM was trying to parent them would that be OK? As in tell them off/have influence on choices and upbringing?

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:00

Her financial contribution is actually a factor. The point I was making was that it should be as much their house as it is hers - their father makes the biggest contribution to the finances and that should cover their share of the house.

Yes, I fully hold her responsible for what she says as she is an adult, I was also very clear their father is an arse.

No, based on her conduct previously, I would rather the DC have no contact with her as besides all that she is awful to the eldest but they want to see their father and grandparents.

Not sure I have any helpful takeaways from your post but appreciate the response none the less.

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Quitelikeacatslife · 04/04/2023 23:04

I guess you are honest that you can't control what goes on in other peoples houses and unless they are mistreated (and they should tell you) then it is just a different vibe at dads.

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:16

@Quitelikeacatslife so true. Sigh. Why do people have to be such dicks. I suppose I had an expectation that they would be made to feel welcome but since she’s been on the scene their father has allowed her to push them out of their lives. He’s an absolute arsehole (and we should never have been in a relationship, but young and naively optimistic things would be wonderful irrespective of a bunting of red flags - is that even a thing) but I’m still shocked at the current s(h)ituation he’s allowed to happen.

And of course feel terrible for them as there has been such an enormous rift in their relationship with him as a result, and it’s had a negative impact on their happiness.

Don’t suppose he cares though it seems.

In any case, just wondered if anyone had any idea as I would like have a few stock phrases as I almost lost my tongue as I’m starting to lose restraint at this point.

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Lolasgame · 04/04/2023 23:22

So your ex is gay ?

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:27

no, I must have confused all the hims and hers and not been clear which was their father / stepmother. It’s been a rather long day!

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AuntMarch · 04/04/2023 23:29

Assume a typo considering everything else OP has typed... didn't feel the need to point it out. Gender of the step parent isn't important anyway, they are an AH either way.

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:30

But father and stepmother seems clear and I am
not sure it would make too much different if he was if his partner was being dick, that’s the main issue here.

and I’d like some advice on how to explain to the DC they should feel like it’s their home knowing full well they are not invited to feel that it is.

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Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:30

@AuntMarch yes, quite.

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Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:34

Just to clarify when I said he’s an arsehole I was referring to their father at that point not the stepmother.

Besides all that yes, both are are behaving badly and yes it’s his responsibly to maintain a happy household but she is an adult and shouldn’t be averse to her stepchildren having a place in their household.

So any suggestions because I can’t tell small children all of the above for obvious reasons.

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AuntMarch · 04/04/2023 23:34

I’d like some advice on how to explain to the DC they should feel like it’s their home knowing full well they are not invited to feel that it is.

Sadly, I don't really think you can. Not without basically telling them their dad is shit anyway.. it would be true but would not make them feel better (which I think was the point)!

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:35

That’s what I was afraid of. I’m tired of being the default parent tonight but on we go. Tomorrow is another day.

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Liorae · 04/04/2023 23:36

Her financial contribution is actually a factor. The point I was making was that it should be as much their house as it is hers - their father makes the biggest contribution to the finances and that should cover their share of the house.
Do you actually know that?

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:43

@Liorae

just sitting here typing away making things up for the sake of some delusional narrative I’m creating…

…yes, this is fact, and would be utterly irrelevant bar the fact she is telling them their fathers home is not their home but somewhere they are visitors.

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Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:44

Petty yes, to break it down like that of course.

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Lefteyetwitch · 04/04/2023 23:46

Tell them to say

"You brave enough to tell my Dad that?"

"Broke bitch says what?"

Dad come here and speak to your wife she's lost it a bit.

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 23:46

Dear god (don't flame me and hear me out)

I'm a sm but also a mum. I get it. The worst part of splitting up is literally having no say in what happens in the other house.

It's hard at the best of times but harder when your ex is a twat.

Sadly for the kids it is his responsibility to make his kids feel welcome and correct any feeling of unwelcome (by turfing out sm). He's not got a gun to his head he is 100% accountable even if she is hideous. Because unless he's surgically attached to her he is allowing this stuff to go down so condoning it.

I would remind your Dc that it's their house too and to keep talking to you about feelings ect.

Your path to happiness is to pretend sm doesn't exist and hold your ex to account by his balls. Because he's their dad and she isn't their mum.

Aoife1999 · 04/04/2023 23:52

I had a SM from 7 & although she was & still is a wonderful woman I never really felt that the home she had with my Dad was mine, not because she was unkind but because I wasn’t there often enough to make it feel that way & regardless of my Dad being there ultimately they had a homestead set up that didn’t include kids full time

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:55

@Lefteyetwitch snorts (sadly they are too terrified to say anything negative to her or they will be in a heap of trouble) their father is useless and I’m surprised as I was called every name under the sun and then some. I suppose he is still pretending to be a gentleman at this point. They’ve not been together that long so time for her to realise she’s got a dud on her hands. Anyway absolutely no concern of mine, besides the fact he’s no longer my cross to bear.

@hourbyhour101 wise advise and I do for the most part except he doesn’t think he’s accountable for anything, and has currently resorted to giving me orders for petty mundane things like packing spare clothes and PE kit. I do absolutely everything else, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. I’ve had a barrage of messages this weekend for absolutely no reason waffling on about my failings. I ignore thought as I can’t engage with waffle.

it seems they just need to feel safe here and like they are welcome on their weekends and only their weekends (and they will find out in time their father has no spine).

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Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:57

@Aoife1999 the way you describe you SM sounds like she was kind (?) but the circumstances unfortunate. It’s nice to hear that , as there are way to many unfortunate circumstance which a bunch of toxicity thrown in for fun.

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SD1978 · 04/04/2023 23:59

Sorry- more of the responsibility for this should be on your ex. You seem to be blaming her more and almost excusing his behaviour. He is allowing this in his home. He isn't stopping it or supporting his kids. She is being cruel. He isn't protecting his kids and that makes him the bigger arse and problem to me. They want to go- there is nothing you can say. Juts support them, and make sure they k ow that they can change their minds if they want and you will always support them. Keep communication open so if they do have a problem there, they are happy to share it with you.

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 04/04/2023 23:59

@Aoife1999 ah yes you describe her as wonderful , sorry scrolled to fast and too far down when I wrote my reply.

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Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 05/04/2023 00:01

@SD1978 no, that’s not what I’m doing, and in fact will not stand for the fact that just because he created the situation there is no responsibility on another adult not to emotionally abuse children. Not accepting that. Old trope that one.

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Birdsbirdsbirds · 05/04/2023 00:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Mothersdayschmothersday · 05/04/2023 00:12

Here we go.

Again, I’ll put it into context, he’s is an abusive arsehole when it comes to me (and in fact anyone who challenges his god like ego complex), fine, I’ve no expectations he will sudden decide to become a decent man, and complicit by indirectly abusing his children by allowing this to happen. BUT I’m explaining what the stepmother said to upset the DC and she alone is responsible for the words she utters. And these words were what upset the DC and what I need to deal with. If I don’t explain what happened how can anyone suggest anything.

He’s not going to leave her because he’s an arsehole but she is also an arsehole to my children and that’s on her. This isn‘t an OW scenario this is an adult women being horrible to a child, and separate to their fathers failings a s human being. Most people do not treat or say such horrible things to other peoples children, sadly he chose badly. Have no control over that.

Some perspective is needed here.

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