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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex is in hospital - sounds serious - how am I meant to feel?

29 replies

IdreamofClooney · 12/02/2008 14:01

My Ex is in hospital with a brain haemorrage - it sounds pretty serious.

I am finding it very hard to know how to feel and act.

It only happened last night so I have not said anything to DS (2.5) other than that I would collect him from nursery, not Daddy as usual.

I am really worreid how I am going to cope finanicially and of course that makes me feel selfish and mercinary. Ex usually takes DS two afternoons a week and pays £300 a month child maintainance towards nursery fees. Now the nursery fees will go up to £172 a week (gulp) and I will have £300 less a month to pay them with. I really do not know how I am going to cope.

I work full time and can take some holidays and hope that the nursery will be flexible and only charge me for the days that DS is there as it will be more than his usual hours anyway even if I take one day off a week for a while.

Ex's job has NO beneifts at all so we won't get any money from him and he has no savings or insurance. I have a policy that will pay out if Ex has a terminal illness but I don't think it will cover this.

I feel sick worrying about it then feel even sicker as I am worrying about money really not about Ex (who made my life a misery for years and still tried to now).

Am I a awful person?

OP posts:

charliecat · 12/02/2008 14:04

No you are not. You are being practical.
I feel sorry or your ds if his dad is ill. But its hard to feel sympathy or someone who has over and over again been horrible and hurtful.

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 12/02/2008 14:10

Thanks CC

I feel so weird - almost like it hasn;t really happened. I don;t really know what to say to DS. He won;t be allowed to the hospital to see Ex as he is in neurology ward with strict visiting hours.

It will be hard on DS and I need to keep things as normal as possible but I am already worrying about how on earth I am going to cope finanically as was not exactly flush with some (if erratic) support from Ex.

If anything I feel pissed off that he is so selfish that he does not have any savings or anything to help DS in this type of situatiuon. If this happend to me DS would be provided for as I have insurance etc so if situatiuon were reveresed ex would not be in the situation I am in.

God feel torn.

OP posts:

charliecat · 12/02/2008 14:12

I am thinking that I would feel just the same. I too have insurance for if anything goes wrong.
Will your tax credits go up with a drop in income? Or hike in childcare?
Do you rent? housing benefit?

saadia · 12/02/2008 14:13

I don't think you are an awful person. When you have dcs you have to think of the practicalities. You are probably in a state of shock, don't feel bad about your reaction.

wooga · 12/02/2008 14:15

Charliecat's right, you're not an awful person.
I don't know the history but it can't be easy for you,you only found out last night?You could be numb from the shock, took a while for it to sink in when I found out about my Dad's illness(cancer)and we haven't got the best relationship which made it weird to deal with-a lot of guilt thrown in for my lack of feelings.
Your survival instinct is kicking in.

VinegarTits · 12/02/2008 14:16

I'm sure you will be fine finacially, tax credits much take into account the moeny your ex gives you now, so if that stops your tax credits will go up. I would worry more about the effect it will have on your ds if his daddy is not going to be around.

pickie · 12/02/2008 14:17

You are very practical and that is only good better then flapping about. My Dh had an accident when DS was just over 2 and be carefull how to handle this situation as my DS ignored his dad the first few times in hospital as he found it scary (he also mamaged to deflate his mattress:-). I never explained it to him properly but when we got him a doctors case and explained daddy had an accident and needed looking after he was much better.

I would read you policy of terminal illnesses to be sure (is it terminal or critical if the latter you are most likely to be covered)

Hope it works out ok!

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 12/02/2008 14:17

I think that my tax credits will go up due to increase in child care but as they do not take any maintainance payments into account the drop in income make a difference.

I own my house on a pretty big mortgage that is.

I can usually cope without money from Ex (he is often late or short and does owe me hundreds of pounds) so if just the usual nursery fees would be ok it is the extra nursery fees that will push me over the edge. I usually pay £120 a week so I need an extra £200 a month to cover the fees now Ex cannot take DS for the two afternoons.

SO really I am £500 a month down. All I can see is a slide into debt as cannot see how I can fix this?

OP posts:

charliecat · 12/02/2008 14:19

My feelings are reserved for people who give a toss about me, and who would maybe give a toss if something happened to me....really, dont feel bad.
Your motherly instinct may kick in when you see him, but I personally couldnt be concerned or pleasant to xp under any circumstance.
I couldnt even pretend.
So, just concentrate on the money thing, see what you can sort out. And if some gushy feelings come in later then deal with them then. Dont stress about whats not

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 12/02/2008 14:20

Thanks everyone

I do not even know what to say to DS. I will tell him tonight so he knows why Daddy didn;t get him from nursery.

I don't even know enough to know if Ex will recover.

Part of my feeling is definitely guilt as if I somehow caused this by leaving him and by arguing with him to try and get him to grow up and take responsibilty for his son. Now he won;t be able to.

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 12/02/2008 14:27

Could you negotiate some time working from home- I don't know what you do or if this is at all feasible?

springlamb · 12/02/2008 14:35

I think you need to get yourself and DS over these first days initially and then look at the longterm prognosis (for your DS's sake, we must hope there is one).
Have you adequate communication links to keep informed on ex's condition. If not, try to get these in place. Important for you to keep current for ds. Perhaps try to get updated before you talk to ds later on.
Is ex employed - if so there will be sick pay etc so it may be some weeks before you notice any difference. Hope that's the case.
If not, and once you have a bit of a timescale on recovery, you may need to look into any benefits he might get and whether these could help out with your shortfall. Maybe he has his own critical illness policy/loss of earnings policy.
I don't think you need feel ashamed of having these initial concerns - your priority must be ds. However, you might exercise caution in expressing them to ex's family until the position is clearer.
I think at the moment a clear indication of your concern and your wish to be keep informed for ds's sake is enough for today.
Good luck, keep a calm head, hope to hear later.

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 12/02/2008 14:43

Thanks

I may be able to do some time at home (I work in uni admin but don;t have web access at home which limits what I can do as cannot deal with emails etc) but the policy is you can only work at home if you have childcare so would not save money really.

My Ex is employed but for a small business which has not benefits like sick pay so would assume he will get statutory sick pay whch doubt woudl even cover his rent let alone help with nursery fees.

He definitly does not have any policies himself as he is is totally financially reckless and spends everything he has.

I agree that it would not be a good idea to mention to Ex's mum that I am feeling more worried about how I feel cope financially than about Ex's health but I suppose at least I feel guilty that I am.....

Ex's mum has been keeping in contact she is at the hospital now so hopefully will hear more news soon. I am planning on just telling DS that Daddy is not very well at the moment and hope he accepts taht and doesn;t want more information.

OP posts:

givemehope · 12/02/2008 14:47

Idreamofclooney - My XP had an accident a few weeks ago and, foolishly, I rushed to the hospital to help (think it was the shock). Then looked after him for a few days before he reverted to his usual, very unpleasant self, Got no thanks and both DS and were quite shaken by the whole thing. I feel for you now as things like this do bring up a strange array of confusing feelings. My only advice is to put DS first but keep your 'boundaries' with XP firmly in place. Sorry have no advice about the finances as we've never had any from XP - one of my first thoughts was about childcare too though! You're not 'awful' - very sensible I think.

givemehope · 12/02/2008 14:55

BTW there is absolutely no way you could have caused this - guilt is a natural reaction but it's just not possible that your actions had anything to do with it. Look after yourself and DS - hope things improve soon.

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 14/02/2008 15:58

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post.

I now have more info on Ex's condition and it is pretty scary.

He had a berry annyerism which burst causing the haemmorhage. He has had an operation whihc means for the next three days he has a one in four chance of having a stroke.

If he doesn;t have a stroke he will be in hopsital for a few weeks and recovering for several months and won;t be able to work for months and then only part time.

I am still in shcok I think and unsure of what I should do. His mum gave me the hosptial number but I am not sure if I should visit? I don;t think I should take Ds as he is 2 and I think it woudl scare him to see Daddy like that.

Has anyone been through anything similar or can offer advice?

OP posts:

skyatnight · 14/02/2008 16:06

IDOC - Sorry to hear this. I hope, for all of you, that the best scenario is what happens. If you haven't already, please search and post in the 'Health' forum as well, as someone there may have been through the same thing.

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 15/02/2008 09:41

Thanks skyatnight that's a good idea I will do that now

OP posts:

charliecat · 15/02/2008 12:32

oh god
Not sure what you should do about ds
It might scare him

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 15/02/2008 14:30

I think that it will be too scary for DS, especially as I will be really scared and may cry so I think best avoided!

OP posts:

charliecat · 17/02/2008 12:30

Whats been happening since? How are you feeling now?

Original poster

IdreamofClooney · 18/02/2008 12:11

Hi
CC

He is still in hospital and will be for a few weeks but the high risk of a stroke has passed now.

I went to see him yesterday and he is not good at all. I forgot how horrible hospitals are and was so glad to get out of there!

I have DS in nursery full time and I am really struggling financially as Ex usually managed to pay a couple of hundred pounds a month to me which I used for the nursery fees so now I am paying extra fees with no money from Ex and as he will be off work for months is not good.

I have been at work throughout and must say am a bit disappointed that my employers have not spoken to me about what is going on as I am struggling to cope. Just feel like I may burst into tears any moment and I am not feeling as if I am able to work properly. Suppose it is not as if he is my husband but still!

OP posts:

charliecat · 18/02/2008 12:15

Oh god You need to watch you dont end up ill yourself with the stress. Does the 200 get took into account by anyone? Do you claim Housing Benefit, would the drop in your income come into account?
What a frigging nightmare
Whos going to care for xh when hes allowed out?

crumpet · 18/02/2008 12:17

Could you see if there are any au pairs locally who may be able to llook after ds if you are working from home? Cheaper than a nursery, you are at home so the au pair won't have sole charge, they are generally only paid about £70 pw so would be glad of some extra money. Or else do you have a local FE college? Ours does childcare courses, could you find a student?

sophiewd · 18/02/2008 12:17

Get in tough with tax credit people, we get ou our nursery fees paid for by them, we don't qualify for working tax credit.

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