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Original poster

Ex won't agree regular time with son

34 replies

contactwithkids · 26/02/2023 14:50

I have NCed for this
I split up with my husband 7 months ago. he is devastated and not making much progress. we are not yet divorced. The kids live with me (daughter is older so this is about our son age 10). Ex lives an hour away.
I want to have a regular arrangement with him over when he sees our son. he doesn't like planning so I have suggested a compromise of once a month with other more spontaneous arrangements as and when. Ex will not agree.

I have told him this is not acceptable to me. It's not good for our son and does not allow me to live my life as I want to.
My question is: is there anything I can do to force ex's hand on this? He has had lots of time and chance to make other suggestions but just won't. I find myself in a position where i have to ask permission before I can make arrangements myself which feels entirely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Neverknowinglyunderbold · 26/02/2023 14:52

Does he want to see his son?

Original poster
contactwithkids · 26/02/2023 15:10

Yes he does Neverknowinglyunderbold
It's just that he doesn't want any planned regularity. I'd like for example the first weekend in every month but he wants it spontaneous unless I ask him specific dates that he agrees in advance

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 26/02/2023 19:18

Honestly, sounds like he is more interested in playing games than seeing his son.
Was he controlling in the relationship? It wouldn’t be uncommon for controlling behaviour to continue.
Leave a weekend or two in month free and advise your ex your son is available for contact on this weekend. Then live your life. If Ex doesn’t turn up it’s on him and if he looks for contact on weekend you have plans then continue with your plans, if your DS is free then contact can happen.
Email him this info on to him so you have it to fall back on later if you need to show your not blocking access.

PeekAtYou · 26/02/2023 19:21

Yanbu to want the routine but if it's obvious how much it's annoying you then he will do it more to piss you off.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 19:28

You offer regular times to him via email that suit you and dc.
If ex doesn't turn up log it in a file.
Keep records.
You sadly can't force him but you also don't have to have dc always available

NewNameNigel · 26/02/2023 19:37

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 19:28

You offer regular times to him via email that suit you and dc.
If ex doesn't turn up log it in a file.
Keep records.
You sadly can't force him but you also don't have to have dc always available

This doesn't solve the problem of the op being unable to make childfree plans without specifically asking ex, which she could if there was a regular slot.

Op this sounds infuriating.

Starseeking · 26/02/2023 20:28

I split from my EXDP almost 2 years ago now, he was exactly the same as yours for the best part of the first year or so, and yes, he was also controlling (or tried to be) during the relationship.

Like yours, he wanted the flexibility of being able to drop in and see the DC whenever he felt like it, so refused to agree anything initially.

I wanted him to do every other weekend, plus half the holidays.

So far, I've managed to get him to agree to every other weekend (so 4 regular days a month). I did it by only making the DC available at those times. If I hadn't heard from him before the week in question started, I cracked on with the plans we had.

If specific events were happening on those weekends, I also confirmed those as well.

Inevitably EXDP would ring on a Wednesday wanting to have the DC Friday to Sunday, and I'd tell him we had plans (because we did!), and the DC weren't going to cancel them because he decided to put on his dad of the year act.

What also helped was that he has an older DC that he wanted to co-ordinate weekend drop-ins with, and he found that crossover wasn't happening as often as he would like (plus it meant 2 DC weekends in a row for him) if he didn't plan in advance.

Initially you will end up having the DC the vast majority of the time, but if you hold firm for long enough, your EX will realise you are serious about the need to plan, and fall in line.

Agreement over holidays is still work in progress, as I'm about to start mediation regarding holidays (EX doesn't want anything tying his time down 🙄🙄🙄), but I'm hoping to secure more than we've got presently.

Good luck OP.

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/02/2023 20:36

You can't compel him to stick to dates / times. A lot of men know this and use it as a control tactic so that you cannot make plans.

Agree with the poster above about having dates / times when you will make the children available, and make a note of all the dates he refuses to take.

WineNoMore20 · 26/02/2023 20:43

I had exact situation with my sons Father. He too was controlling. This went on for 6 plus years. It was exhausting for me and awful
for my son.
In the end I applied for a court order, which was put in place for one weekend per month and 3 weeks during holidays. He never complied and hasn’t spent time with him since, this that was 5 years ago. He now walks past him if we see him- he lives in the same village with his partner.

Triffid1 · 26/02/2023 21:04

You plan your life as you need to. If you want to go out, arrange alternative childcare. Tell him the slots you are willing to keep free for him.

You cannot force him to turn up. But he cannot insist that you are available whenever suits him or at short notice.

milkysmum · 26/02/2023 21:10

I'm nearly 5 years separated from DCs dad ( now also divorced ), and he still hasn't managed to stick to any regular contact. Like you I've tried and tried to stress the importance of it, both for the children ( and so I might just be able to plan my own life now and again) but he just won't. Instead the contact time is sporadic as and when it suits him. Unfortunately no, there is nothing you can do to force him really.

Original poster
contactwithkids · 26/02/2023 21:11

Thank you everyone. This makes very interesting reading for me.
I am going to try some of the tactics you suggest.
There are two issues for me. One is that our son prefers notice. He didn't like it last weekend when he was suddenly going to his dad's at very short notice. I think also that he will realise at some point that his dad is not making a regular commitment to him. Secondly I have quite a lot of child free things I would like to do at weekends. Not every weekend by any means but once a month or so. This has always been the case and was a bit of an issue in the relationship with ex. Its now impossible to plan without ex's permission which really pisses me off.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/02/2023 21:15

Sadly there’s nothing you can do.

my ex was so manipulative he went to court for EOW and one night a week, but just used it to control my plans those weekends. He picked and chose when he showed up. Took 2.5 years of regularly not bothering before I could change the arrangement just so the kids and I didn’t have to hang about waiting.

Nothing can be done to force a parent to take their child.

TiredButDancing · 26/02/2023 21:35

contactwithkids · 26/02/2023 21:11

Thank you everyone. This makes very interesting reading for me.
I am going to try some of the tactics you suggest.
There are two issues for me. One is that our son prefers notice. He didn't like it last weekend when he was suddenly going to his dad's at very short notice. I think also that he will realise at some point that his dad is not making a regular commitment to him. Secondly I have quite a lot of child free things I would like to do at weekends. Not every weekend by any means but once a month or so. This has always been the case and was a bit of an issue in the relationship with ex. Its now impossible to plan without ex's permission which really pisses me off.

Do you not have a tone else.who.can have ds? Sil has a similar issue. But it's definitely about control. We have all just learnt to ignore the rants when she makes plans with us to have their dc because he won't commit. It absolutely infuriates him. But if she waited for him to agree she has the problem that he will hold it over her, threaten not to come etc just to stress her out. He will also be late if he does come, so her plans are messed. And he tells anyone who will listen that she only allows him to see their dc when she needs a babysitter.

So now she asks.him. if he says no or makes a single threat, she makes alternative plans.

HairyKitty · 26/02/2023 21:58

Are you claiming child maintenance from him? If he’s working the payments would easily cover a little childcare.

Original poster
contactwithkids · 27/02/2023 07:21

I don't have anyone I can leave my son with for more than 24 hours. I do for a short over night.
He's not awkward once he has agreed- not late or unreliable. I know he likes spontaneity and hates planning so some of it is that. Some of it is that he's so upset he can't think straight and I think there's an element of control or depriving me of what I might gain from not being with him.

OP posts:
JustFrustrated · 27/02/2023 07:28

HairyKitty · 26/02/2023 21:58

Are you claiming child maintenance from him? If he’s working the payments would easily cover a little childcare.

That isn't what CMS is for.
It's to cover half of the child's living expenses

piedbeauty · 27/02/2023 07:44

WineNoMore20 · 26/02/2023 20:43

I had exact situation with my sons Father. He too was controlling. This went on for 6 plus years. It was exhausting for me and awful
for my son.
In the end I applied for a court order, which was put in place for one weekend per month and 3 weeks during holidays. He never complied and hasn’t spent time with him since, this that was 5 years ago. He now walks past him if we see him- he lives in the same village with his partner.

This is awful. Your poor dc.

Why are some men so shitty?!

MsMarch · 27/02/2023 11:26

contactwithkids · 27/02/2023 07:21

I don't have anyone I can leave my son with for more than 24 hours. I do for a short over night.
He's not awkward once he has agreed- not late or unreliable. I know he likes spontaneity and hates planning so some of it is that. Some of it is that he's so upset he can't think straight and I think there's an element of control or depriving me of what I might gain from not being with him.

I know this probably won't help you much but while DH and I are happily married and both have equal parenting responsibilities, the reality is that until very recently, the chances of either one of us going away very often were low. I know some families do it all the time, but for us, with two children of very different ages and temperements and with different needs, it was often just too hard when they were small. And as they got a bit older, money was tight so that wasn't an option.

DH is going away this year with some male friends for 4 days - he kept double checking with me it's okay because it would have been SOOOO impossible a few years ago! Grin I'm also away, albeit taking DC1, for a few days and we've been laughing because emotionally it's easy but logistically it's turning into a nightmare as DH has to work that weekend AND dd is in rehearsals for a show so it's a logistical nightmare for him.

HairyKitty · 27/02/2023 20:03

@JustFrustrated unhelpful. Surely this is exactly the same thing 🙄 as all money goes in one pot. You could say the parent spends her own money on childcare, and uses the maintenance money (that I imagine she isn’t receiving so far), to pay child living costs (that she’s been subsidising for her ex so far). Result is exactly the same financially.

@contactwithkids you need to stop being dependent on him. You have to completely separate your wish for child free time from your child’s contact arrangements. Mixing the two is stopping you from seeing the situation clearly.

Original poster
contactwithkids · 27/02/2023 20:23

HairyKitty that's a very good point and a new way of thinking and it for me. I am definitely mixing the two. If it wasn't for me wanting to make child free plans I would be less bothered than I am about ex's attitude. I am concerned for the impact on our son but at the moment this isn't too much . I think it will increase as son gets older.
I will try and separate the two.

OP posts:
AviMav · 03/03/2023 19:05

Interesting OP I can relate to your ex not being late or unreliable that is exactly DS dad. He is happy to do the bare minimum but he does do it without fail.

Do you use CMS? I would start mediation and if that fails apply to a court because 1 Weekend once a month isn't much free time for you. Good luck!

OriginalUsername2 · 03/03/2023 19:13

You need to arrange your life so that what he does or doesn’t do is no skin off your nose. I would leave it to your son and him to sort between themselves and be breezy about it. Once you e been out of the equation for a while I bet they’ll fall into a routine.

MiddleParking · 03/03/2023 19:21

Let go of the idea that he’s doing this because he’s ‘upset’. He’s doing it because he thinks you and his child are possessions to be manipulated. He is a misogynist and a disgraceful excuse for a father.

Theunamedcat · 03/03/2023 19:21

Make your plans in advance email him saying he is free on xyz dates let me know what you want to do if he protests tell him your living your life you won't stop because of how he wants to live his