Ex won't agree regular time with son

[contactwithkids]

I have NCed for this
I split up with my husband 7 months ago. he is devastated and not making much progress. we are not yet divorced. The kids live with me (daughter is older so this is about our son age 10). Ex lives an hour away.
I want to have a regular arrangement with him over when he sees our son. he doesn't like planning so I have suggested a compromise of once a month with other more spontaneous arrangements as and when. Ex will not agree.

I have told him this is not acceptable to me. It's not good for our son and does not allow me to live my life as I want to.
My question is: is there anything I can do to force ex's hand on this? He has had lots of time and chance to make other suggestions but just won't. I find myself in a position where i have to ask permission before I can make arrangements myself which feels entirely unreasonable.

Don’t play.

email

in the last 12 months I have offered you contact with our son every other weekend - you agreed to 12 weekends out of 26 weeks, meaning that you did not turn up for over half the contact offered.

our son needs consistently and a routine.

from 1 st April as you have only seen him one weekend a month - the last weekend in every month will be your weekend.
if you can make every weekend for the next 6 months I will then increase contact.

your contact dates are: x/3, x/4 and ….,, for the next 12 months.

if you can not make contact please provide as much notice as possible and I reserve the right to act in the child’s interests if you can not provide committed contact at regular times - I will have to stop contact.

carry it through

dont be so passive

My left my ex five years ago. I fought for two years to get him to be a consistent, present and responsible father. He’d cancel on a night he knew I had plans to go out and turn up on my doorstep the following night demanding to see them. It was emotionally exhausting. I resorted to all communication via email. I sat down with his cousin who had a list of his available dates and when she gave him what we’d agreed upon, he said he’d do none of them. I went through a solicitor who told me that you can’t force someone to take care of their children. I stopped all contact after two years and he got a solicitor involved (well I think his mum forced him to) and he’s never stuck to the childcare agreement put in place by the solicitors.

I gave up. I no longer rely on him in any way to co-parent our children. I accept that he chooses to barely see them (a few hours every second Saturday when his mum picks them up, takes them to her home to spend time with him, she feeds them, then brings them home to me). He doesn’t want to be a real father. He wants to take a few photos with them (when they do nothing but watch tv) to put on social media pretending he loves them.

I felt so much relief when I gave up. No more trying to reason with him, no more setting up agreements he won’t stick to, no more having to cancel plans because he won’t take them at the last minute (because he doesn’t want me having a social life). He was continuing to control me through our children like your ex is. He’s still playing the victim role and you’re feeling sorry for him when his behaviour is negatively impacting you and your child.

My mum sometimes babysits and I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t have a fuller social life, as someone with an involved ex partner would. But I’m not so stressed and anxious all the time. My kids don’t miss him as he spent very little time with him when we were together. Any time he cancels on them now, I just say ‘okay’ and leave it at that. I won’t waste any more energy on him.

I agree that you need to separate your need for a social life from your desire to get him to step up. It’s not fair, it’s not easy but these men will never change from being the selfish and irresponsible assholes they are.

Omg this is both terrifying and comforting to read. I'm trying to divorce for over 1 year, living in same house. Now he finally bought a place but doesn't move, keeps making excuses and coming up with fixes he wants to make to flat before its good enough for him. I haven't had a life for all year as he doesng share his schedule and I need to be available for everything. I know he's delaying the move because is controlling and doesnt want me to have my own time, be with someone else. My kids are big enough to stay on their own for a night every now and again, they are 16 and 13, but everytjme I brought up the idea of a schedule he makes it a difficult conversation... its so unfair as I end up only being able to do anything for myself last minute if he allows for it... I feel so powerless.
Just sharing to say its soooo shit and common, but agree my hope is that when he moves out I'll just say "this is your weekend, kids are in your flat" and be done with it...

well that will leave some of the op's money free for childcare then.

I'd get a little legal advice with the aim of saying something like:
"Our child needs a routine. I'm happy to agree a routine of eow. If you want to agree that, great. If not, we can discuss through a mediator. Until we have an agreed schedule, I am not making and hoc arrangements as it is upsetting our son."

What a twat. Can't imagine why your split up!

Sorry you are having this hassle. I would suggest keeping a formal record where you have written to him saying that for your DC's wellbeing, schooling and wider life of clubs, family and friendships, etc that he needs a predictable routine where he has regular contact with his father. Then also ensure you have applied for the maintenance you are due if that is not currently arranged.... which may also make him more keen to have more contact since it will mean he pays you less! (Funny how that seems to change motivation for some, in my experience.) Don't mention your own needs for predictability and time as if and when he plays up with other tactics and even starts saying to others or courts that you are preventing him seeing Dc, then you have a clear line ... this is not about you, it's about the DC. Of course and hoc is not acceptable for you and why should it be...otherwise you are working with your ex's whims and disorganisation - often part of the reason many of us split up with these people in the first place. But best to keep the public reasons being about DC - the two align anyway.

Sorry - I meant 'ad hoc' above.

Another thought I've just had re all this - having dealt with two awful exes: I never have my important personal plans reliant on them and what they could regard as 'their childcare doing me a favour' - of course that whole belief is a piece of nonsense when many of us are shouldering almost everything anyway but it's amazing how things get twisted! So if I have a regular commitment or something important I really want to do, then I try to do that via an arrangement with my family etc if I need childcare, so that it removes any power play. If they (ridiculously, I know) think they are 'doing you favours' they then start asking for them back and you return to your own life bending around whatever commitments they start imposing as 'essential' during the time they are meant to have DC, and you are back locked into a dependent 'relationship' with them somehow. If you can free yourself from that, which may be impossible if you are far from family etc, then it gives you back some power I think. I have learnt to miss out on things if they are at times where my own childcare arrangement doesn't work, rather than lay myself open to an ex being my first port of call. Easier said than done I know and it will depend on personal circumstances I recognise... especially when you aren't getting any regular contact for DC right now. But I would definitely avoid sharing any info with your ex about 'things you want to do' and 'your needs'. Those are not positive motivators, I would guess, on his agenda.

This is so painful as a Mum.

Your role is to facilitate contact, not to fight him to have a relationship with the children.

Change the dynamic by not chasing.

If he thinks it's for you (so you can reasonably have a social life) it sounds even more of a bonus for him not to rock up. In his twisted mind he mind equate that you being unable to move on with someone else.

Tell him all communication must be in writing and if wants to see the children it needs to be consistent and planned x amount of time ahead.

Switch it so if he wants to HE is on the asking end. This isn't a game, it's about power dynamics and you being passive and begging for his effort for the kids.

He should be so lucky to have a relationship with them. HE is lucky you care so much.

HOWEVER.

He may not. Fill your weekend now with picnics with the kids, days walking, meet ups with solo parents. Try and have him as an after thought. If he wants things done properly he can do it via mediation if that takes the stress off you.

This is horrible but it gets better.

@HairyKitty This was helpful for me too, thank you.