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Original poster

How offten should I let my ex see his son

101 replies

Angel1986 · 13/02/2023 12:15

I've just spit with my ex after having his baby he hasn't done nothing wrong actually was really supportive toward me. But I unfortunately I fallen out of love for him. He wants access to see his son but I don't know if a new born baby should be taken away from his mum. He's asking to have him for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to bond is that to much

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 13/02/2023 21:29

It doesn't really matter who looks after them at this age as long as someone meets their basic needs Not true.

Ilikepinacoladass · 17/02/2023 19:05

I think a lot of people would find it a big deal to leave the baby with DH for a few hours at 6 weeks, even if they were together (granted maybe more so if breastfeeding).

AviMav · 03/03/2023 20:01

I think its really tricky. I've not been in your shoes but remember if your pulling the strings OP... you have to be fair too.

Have a read of the lone parent board so many mums offloading about how their ex not willing to parent!

Have you discussed future arrangements?

AviMav · 03/03/2023 20:05

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 14:54

The baby has a primary caregiver that has been there every second of its life. Babies know their mother’s scent and voice . Being cared for by a stranger, biologically linked but still a stranger, is not best for the baby nor is being separated from its primary caregiver for long periods of time. Short daily contact, so that the stranger becomes familiar and the baby isn’t kept away from their primary caregiver for too long is best for the baby.

The dad is not a stranger. This is why mothers can't or won't leave their babies even with the husbands for a night away. It's a poor excuse and it enables problems later on with men not doing their fair share. Don't add to the problem.

PinkSyCo · 03/03/2023 20:11

Stop thinking about yourself and allow your ex and his son this bonding time. You will be so glad you did later on, and so will your son.

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2023 20:18

So long as he knows how to make up a bottle and can change a nappy, I don't see the issue.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/03/2023 16:47

Little and often, (several times a week) with you there at first. Building up to longer (and less often) and on his own and eventually overnights when baby is two or three years old if baby is ready.

Emma8924 · 10/01/2024 17:50

He’ll be fine being away from you. You want them to have a bond, you want your son to have a relationship with his dad so start as you mean to go on. otherwise it’ll be a case of “when he’s older” and it’ll never happen or he’ll have a “clingy” stage and that will stop you too and so on.

Sunflower8848 · 10/01/2024 17:56

Wow. Imagine if it was the other way around and your ex had the baby 24/7, and you only wanted a couple of hours a week. You are being sooooo selfish.

Emma8924 · 17/01/2024 00:30

She doesn’t need to be there when dad sees baby. He is just as capable as her id imagine. Women need need to stop putting mothers on a pedestal ! Baby will be fine over night and being alone with dad from the start. Why wouldn’t baby be ok with dad. Not like the OP has any more experience than he does.

HamBone · 17/01/2024 00:37

Is there a reason why you don’t want your ex to be alone with your baby? If he hasn’t changed nappies nor made up bottles yet, I agree that it would be a good idea for him to come over and do so with you-but once he’s done it a couple of times, he should be fine.

TheFireflies · 17/01/2024 00:43

At your son’s age, and for a while yet, little and often would be what’s best.

LovesFood1987 · 17/01/2024 00:45

The law is clear it's 50:50 for both parents (agree breastfeeding makes this different but isn't relevant to you).

If he took this to court the baby would only be with you half the time so personally I would be very accommodating of him and hope he doesn't take it to court because you'll see baby even less then.

donteatthedaisies0 · 17/01/2024 03:06

Let your ex see his son as often as possible it's fantastic for children to have a close relationship with both parents . Less of the broken home problems in the future .

donteatthedaisies0 · 17/01/2024 03:26

And I agree with others it would be despicable to limit their time together for no other reason than just because you can . Being awkward will lead to you being taken to court , be careful . Good parenting for ex's is 50-50 .

WandaWonder · 17/01/2024 03:32

So he is was good enough to have ababy with but now the baby is here is services are no longer required?

There is no reason he can't have his child he is the father after all

HaddawayAndShite · 17/01/2024 04:00

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 14:54

The baby has a primary caregiver that has been there every second of its life. Babies know their mother’s scent and voice . Being cared for by a stranger, biologically linked but still a stranger, is not best for the baby nor is being separated from its primary caregiver for long periods of time. Short daily contact, so that the stranger becomes familiar and the baby isn’t kept away from their primary caregiver for too long is best for the baby.

Short contact is what the father is trying to achieve here. A few hours a few days a week to start with. Perhaps he wouldn't be a stranger if OP had allowed the father more access to his newborn child.

fatandhappy47 · 17/01/2024 06:07

So many dads aren't interested when they spilt
You should be glad he want to see his child and try and be reasonable
Maybe start with a couple of hours then up it as time goes on

Ilikepinacoladass · 17/01/2024 08:39

The advice I had was at this age (and until about 2/ 3) little and often is best for the child. It can be unsettling for them to be split between two houses (especially 50/50!). But good for them to build up a bond so little and often will achieve this! 50/50 also doesn't need to mean literally 50/50 in terms of time, it might be less than 50% but more quality time etc.

stripedcurtainsintheparlour · 17/01/2024 08:44

If there's no concerns about him and you're not BF, then go for it! Could he come to yours (save him having to transport the baby elsewhere) and you leave them alone for a couple of hours?

Go and have a coffee and have a break. It'll do you loads of good. 😊

WhimsicalMoth · 17/01/2024 08:53

Not too much at all. In fact if that's what he's requested, and you're not breastfeeding, you should grant him that time, definitely.
It's a perfect time to implement this as routine and I think in the long run it will be better for all of you. But it will be hard at first of course

user1492757084 · 17/01/2024 08:58

Babies think that they are part of Mum or primary carer so it would be cruel to be too far away from your tiny baby for too long.
Babies change a lot in the first six months so you both need to be on good terms to discuss exactly where baby's development is each week and what is safe etc. and what is in baby's best interests.

Can you invite the father to the baby's home for two houirs but you be at a nearby cafe or in the garden and able to get back to him within five minutes? The last thing the father wants is for the baby to be distressed in his company as that will hamper a good relationship from developing.

Once baby is happy with two hours in his own home with Dad he might be happier to spend an hour at Dad's and you could rotate and gradually lengthen the time.

Expect that the baby will need you if he is sick or feeling fussy - his father should not take offence but just bide his time until the child is older.

It is a bit of a shame that you couldn't live with father for a year or two and assess whether he is a trustworthy father, calm and kind and who has trustworthy friends. etc.

C00k · 17/01/2024 08:58

@Emma8924 you revived a ZOMBIE THREAD

Ilikepinacoladass · 17/01/2024 08:59

The only thing I'd say is not to get into a routine of it being Saturday and Sunday, I'd say one weekend day and one or two weekdays. Otherwise you are doing all the weekday madness with nursery run / work etc, and then your ex gets the child all weekend, which doesn't feel fair. (And plays right into the Disney Dad style of parenting!!)

Ilikepinacoladass · 17/01/2024 09:05

The only thing I'd say is not to get into a routine of it being Saturday and Sunday, I'd say one weekend day and one or two weekdays. Otherwise you are doing all the weekday madness with nursery run / work etc, and then your ex gets the child all weekend, which doesn't feel fair. (And plays right into the Disney Dad style of parenting!!)