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Original poster

How offten should I let my ex see his son

101 replies

Angel1986 · 13/02/2023 12:15

I've just spit with my ex after having his baby he hasn't done nothing wrong actually was really supportive toward me. But I unfortunately I fallen out of love for him. He wants access to see his son but I don't know if a new born baby should be taken away from his mum. He's asking to have him for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to bond is that to much

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/02/2023 12:42

You're being really unfair OP. He's as much his baby as yours. If he chooses to take you to court, he will be allowed unsupervised access as he's done nothing wrong.

StarDolphins · 13/02/2023 12:44

I would definitely- he needs to bond with this daddy too, you are both important in his life.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 12:46

Angel1986 · 13/02/2023 12:27

My son is 6 weeks. I offered to him to come round my home but he says it's too hard being around me

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Unfortunately he is going to have to be around you at times if he wants to have time with his son.

similar situation with my XH, he had time with the baby downstairs whilst I was asleep or just having "me time" upstairs until the baby wanted feeding again.

LittleLegoWoman · 13/02/2023 12:48

Start small and build up.
Tell your ex it’s really hard for you to imagine being away for long at the moment so you need him to start with an hour’s walk round the park (or similar) Saturday and Sunday this week and it will build from there. He doesn’t need supervision unless you are worried he will be violent/drunk/high/neglectful of your child. I suggest trying to add a hour or a half hour each week until he’s doing half days, then do that for a bit, then swap to 1 full day every weekend, then start adding overnight Saturday night and swap to both days every other weekend. The end goal is going to be EOW plus time during the week (up to 50/50 all in) by the time he’s at school.

Stomacharmeleon · 13/02/2023 12:50

So he has to be supervised by you? Nice... and controlling

SpinningFloppa · 13/02/2023 12:50

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 12:46

Unfortunately he is going to have to be around you at times if he wants to have time with his son.

similar situation with my XH, he had time with the baby downstairs whilst I was asleep or just having "me time" upstairs until the baby wanted feeding again.

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She’s not breastfeeding so he doesn’t need to be around her actually

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/02/2023 12:57

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 12:46

Unfortunately he is going to have to be around you at times if he wants to have time with his son.

similar situation with my XH, he had time with the baby downstairs whilst I was asleep or just having "me time" upstairs until the baby wanted feeding again.

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Why is he? She's not breastfeeding.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2023 12:57

What do you think is fair? From his POV you both planned to have a baby, you then decided to kick him out for no reason you can really think of and he’s not only lost his relationship and the future he’s planned he’s also lost access to his baby.

reallynow1 · 13/02/2023 13:01

I can entirely see where you are coming from, 6 weeks old is very young to be away from mum, but bubs does still need to spend time with dad. It's where as parents you are both going to need to make sacrifices to put your baby's needs first. For me, to begin with, dad should come around to yours (as hard as it is for him). Not for supervision, but to build that relationship with baby. As a new mum I would take that time to be upstairs having a sleep, or resting, a bath... Whatever you need.
But then he starts to take baby out for a couple of hours at a time... Round to his or whatever he wants to do. It's his time. You can still use that time for some sleep, housework whatever you need.
As you're not bf this is entirely possible and is no different to what my dh did when my dc were babies. He'd take them out so I could catch up on sleep.
Then build up the time and this is where you have to make the sacrifice and do this. It's hard, but the reality of split parenting.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:02

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/02/2023 12:57

Why is he? She's not breastfeeding.

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How do you propose he collects the baby? Magic?

parenting with an ex involves some level of unavoidable contact

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:03

SpinningFloppa · 13/02/2023 12:50

She’s not breastfeeding so he doesn’t need to be around her actually

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He will need to se ever at a hand over and also when she explains how to look after the baby he hasn't been allowed to look after. She's hardly going to leave him in a basket on the doorstep with nappies and some milk is she?

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:05

It is about what is best for the baby. Sometimes the "dumped parent" has to suck it up and get on with stuff they'd otherwise prefer not to do.

SpinningFloppa · 13/02/2023 13:05

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:02

How do you propose he collects the baby? Magic?

parenting with an ex involves some level of unavoidable contact

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Oh come on collecting a baby is not the same as being in the same house as your ex for hours being “supervised” your post implied he would need to spend time around her for when baby needed feeding 🙄

MyriadOfTravels · 13/02/2023 13:06

So if you were still together, would you ask yourself that question? I suspect Not…

Would you be happy to nip to the shops for a couple if hours and leave dad with his baby?
It might be the answer is yes, or it might be no. Depending on whether you are b’fing and b’fing us well established or not mainly.
id take the same attitude tbh. Fir a change there is a father who actually wants to be involved and build a bind with his dc, I’d strongly encourage it really. Just like I did with my dh when our dcs were little.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/02/2023 13:07

He will need to se ever at a hand over and also when she explains how to look after the baby he hasn't been allowed to look after. She's hardly going to leave him in a basket on the doorstep with nappies and some milk is she?

That's not what she wants though. She wants his access fully supervised. OP needs to let him bond with the baby too, bonding with both parents is what's best for baby.

MyriadOfTravels · 13/02/2023 13:08

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:03

He will need to se ever at a hand over and also when she explains how to look after the baby he hasn't been allowed to look after. She's hardly going to leave him in a basket on the doorstep with nappies and some milk is she?

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On thé other side, this baby is only 6 weeks old and this is exactly what she has done herself. Trial and error, learning from baby when she wasn’t given an instruction booklet either. Just a bottle/breast and some nappies…

Women don’t automatically know what to do. They learn on the job. Just like fathers.

UB40andaglassofwine · 13/02/2023 13:09

I wish my ex wanted to see his son. I think baby will be absolutely fine with his dad for a few hours at the weekend. If you're breast feeding pump some milk for him to have while baby is with him

ODFOx · 13/02/2023 13:10

If he's local I'd suggest several times a week for an hour at a time for a few weeks until at least 4th trimester is over and then build up to longer trips out but once or twice a week. Once baby is weaned and a bit more communicative an overnight and another day each week , eventually heading to EOWeekend and an extra night or even 50/50 if it suits you both.
It's great that he wants to be a Dad: so many men aren't bothered. I understand that the break up was hard for him so be kind, but you must both concentrate on what us best for your child.
Good luck.

Nightynightnight · 13/02/2023 13:11

The best pattern of contact for babies and the parent who is not their primary caregiver is "little but often". Preferably every day or every other day for short bursts of time. An hour at first. This allows the child and parent to bond without disrupting the attachment between the baby and (in your case) mum. Once the child is a few months old this can increase to a couple of hours and in another six months or so can increase to full days. There is no need for it to be supervised. In fact you want him to learn to be able to care for your child as well as you can and the only way this can happen is if you give him the space and time to do it. Your child deserves to have a full and fantastic relationship with both parents. Your ex deserves a chance to bond and parent his child. And you deserve a fantastic co-parenting relationship which will take the pressure off of you alone in the upcoming years.

Mia85 · 13/02/2023 13:12

OP I completely understand that your baby seems so vulnerable and it's difficult to imagine him being away from you, but, in the nicest possible way, you are going to need to change the way you think about this. It's not a case of you deciding when to 'let' him see his son any more than he is deciding to 'let' you see your son. Instead you've both got the same responsibility to make sure that your son is getting all the care he needs. Part of that is both of you supporting his bond with you both. If you can both get to a place where you can communicate and respect each other as parents then it'll be so much better for your son and easier for you too. Right now the way to do that is to think about how your ex can get experience of caring for his son so that he can build confidence and they can bond. If there are no safety etc concerns then this will be the best way for everyone.

MyriadOfTravels · 13/02/2023 13:16

@Nightynightnight would you give the same advice for a dad who lives in the house too?? And Why?

I mean i cant imagine I’d ever said to DH that he was only allowed to see his baby in short bursts… Quite the opposite.

Alexandernevermind · 13/02/2023 13:18

I think up to a couple of hours every other day would be more beneficial to your baby, to build a proper relationship. You can't expect to supervise.

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:18

NightyNightNight has given brilliant advice.

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 13/02/2023 13:19

From a mum point of view, being away from.baby would be so hard! However, dad should have equal access for bonding. He is only asking for a few hours on a Saturday and Sunday. My advice is say yes, see it as 'you time' and be glad he's not already banging on about 50/50 access (although that's a likely outcome down the road). Being civilised and adult now will help you both in the future! Best of luck and congrats on baby xx

gogohmm · 13/02/2023 13:21

Of course he should be spending as much time as possible with the baby, if you were together he would be. You chose to end the relationship with him not his relationships with his child. A couple of hours in the evening and a few hours on weekends if you aren't breastfeeding seems perfectly reasonable