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Lone parents

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Original poster

How offten should I let my ex see his son

101 replies

Angel1986 · 13/02/2023 12:15

I've just spit with my ex after having his baby he hasn't done nothing wrong actually was really supportive toward me. But I unfortunately I fallen out of love for him. He wants access to see his son but I don't know if a new born baby should be taken away from his mum. He's asking to have him for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to bond is that to much

OP posts:

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:23

It’s because he doesn’t live in the house that little and often - ideally an hour a day - is much better than eg 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday. Seeing the baby every day makes him part of her life and her daily routine.

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:24

Oops. I don’t know why I thought the OP had a girl.

jannier · 13/02/2023 13:25

Angel1986 · 13/02/2023 12:31

That's what I thought but supervised he doesn't want that

Show quote history

Why supervised? Were you supervised when you first had baby? Your bottle feeding, 2 hours isn't going to be an issue....would it have been an issue if you were together and had to go to an appointment baby couldn't go to?

itsjustnotok · 13/02/2023 13:25

So a guy who wants to actively be involved in his child’s life shouldn’t be allowed because OP has decided the baby is too small. I can see why men struggle with their kids now, they literally have no option but to do whatever a mother wants. Personally I would think it’s great to have a dad you can actually rely on and who has a good bond with both parents. The baby isn’t a mothers property.

Treeeeeeee · 13/02/2023 13:26

50/50 - he has as much right to see the baby as you. Likewise the baby has the right to see it's dad as much as his mum

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:26

MyriadOfTravels · 13/02/2023 13:08

On thé other side, this baby is only 6 weeks old and this is exactly what she has done herself. Trial and error, learning from baby when she wasn’t given an instruction booklet either. Just a bottle/breast and some nappies…

Women don’t automatically know what to do. They learn on the job. Just like fathers.

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And you think that is what would be best for the baby? Really?

I despair.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:27

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/02/2023 13:07

He will need to se ever at a hand over and also when she explains how to look after the baby he hasn't been allowed to look after. She's hardly going to leave him in a basket on the doorstep with nappies and some milk is she?

That's not what she wants though. She wants his access fully supervised. OP needs to let him bond with the baby too, bonding with both parents is what's best for baby.

I never said it was what she wanted nor do I think she is right.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:28

My XH left when I was pregnant. I've been there so I'm talking from experience.

Icedcider · 13/02/2023 13:29

Has he spent any time at all with the baby? Does the baby know his face/voice? If not then I think suddenly taking the baby for 3 or 4 hours could be distressing. Ideally he'd build up a relationship by spending time with baby at baby's home and then maybe taking him out for an hour to start with and building from there. You both have to put the baby's needs first here and young babies need to be with an attached caregiver and build up other relationships slowly not just suddenly taken from them by a virtual stranger (if that's the case here).

jannier · 13/02/2023 13:30

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:03

Show quote history

Very different to you can only see him in my house though which is what op wants.

ErinAoife · 13/02/2023 13:31

A few hours on Saturday and Sunday is good for them to bond. He did not ask to have your baby for a full weekend.You can use this time as me time.

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:37

It’s easiest for the baby to be at home the first few times because that’s where they’re comfortable. It’s not about the OP or the ex it’s about how a baby builds a relationship with a stranger. 50:50 for a 6 week old would be all about the parents and terrible for the baby.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 13/02/2023 13:37

Do you trust him to be in your home? Why not have him over when you're there for a couple of hours. Repeat 2-3 times, then the next time leave him while you go to the supermarket or hairdressers etc. If you use it to run an errand it might feel a bit more organic for you.

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2023 13:40

You sound like you think of the baby as just yours. Think how he feels being away from the baby almost all of the time.

If you're not breastfeeding that amount of time is nothing.

jannier · 13/02/2023 13:42

gogohmm · 13/02/2023 13:21

Of course he should be spending as much time as possible with the baby, if you were together he would be. You chose to end the relationship with him not his relationships with his child. A couple of hours in the evening and a few hours on weekends if you aren't breastfeeding seems perfectly reasonable

She's not BF

jannier · 13/02/2023 13:51

When you kicked him out for no reason other than not loving him anymore how did you envisage co parenting? Did you plan baby together? He doesn't stop having a bond to his child and a need to spend time with them just because you backed out of a relationship? Will you be wanting his support later?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/02/2023 13:58

if you ex is competent and trustworthy there's no reason he shouldn't look after his baby for a few hours. in some countries with less maternity leave rights a mum might be back at work with the baby in childcare by that age. 3 hours, 3 times a week would be better than a big block once a week.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/02/2023 14:35

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:02

How do you propose he collects the baby? Magic?

parenting with an ex involves some level of unavoidable contact

Show quote history

That's not really spending time with the op though is it. In a house I assume he used to live in.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/02/2023 14:37

SoupDragon · 13/02/2023 13:05

It is about what is best for the baby. Sometimes the "dumped parent" has to suck it up and get on with stuff they'd otherwise prefer not to do.

What's best for baby? The baby is 6 weeks old. As long as it's needs are met it doesn't matter who is providing those needs, be it mum or dad.

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 14:54

The baby has a primary caregiver that has been there every second of its life. Babies know their mother’s scent and voice . Being cared for by a stranger, biologically linked but still a stranger, is not best for the baby nor is being separated from its primary caregiver for long periods of time. Short daily contact, so that the stranger becomes familiar and the baby isn’t kept away from their primary caregiver for too long is best for the baby.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/02/2023 15:41

You broke up with him, he was happy and excited to be a dad, supporting you and you've basically just shat all over his life. Because of your choice, I assume he's had to move out, he no longer has his partner (you) and he isn't living with his baby and seeing him grow. He is understandably heartbroken and now you're saying he can only see the baby on your terms with you present, in the place you just kicked him out from. You have everything and left him with nothing.

I get you find baby so tiny and don't want to be away from him ... but you get him 24/7, imagine how dad feels and you won't even give him a couple of hours with his son.

You had every right to make the choice to no longer be with your ex, but decisions come with consequences. He is equally your sons parent, and he has as much right to time with him legally as you do. If he took it to court he would be awarded time with his child, and as he grows older, he will be awarded overnights and likely 50/50 should he want it.

Mia85 · 13/02/2023 15:56

OP when you say you've just split do you mean that you've split since the birth and that actually he's been living with the baby for some of this time so is already used to caring for him?

Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 16:03

He needs equal time too. Just start of a few hours.

Fizzadora · 13/02/2023 16:24

Eugh. What gives you the right to decide who's a better parent? If you dont trust him to look after his child properly why have you not allowed him to have him in 6 weeks? What a nasty piece of work you are.
I feel so sorry for your poor child. It doesn't really matter who looks after them at this age as long as someone meets their basic needs, but it will soon enough and if you carry on with this immature attitude dont be surprised if your ex gives up trying and then your child ends up completely messed up like so many we read about on here.
You need to grow up.

C1N1C · 13/02/2023 16:29

So... mum has baby, dad wants to see baby, but mum's justification for not allowing it is "I'll miss my baby"...

What if the shoe was on the other foot and he said no, you're not allowed access because "I'll miss him"... how mortified would you be?...

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