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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Leave kids at dads door and leave

47 replies

Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:32

Hi

im not coping with my two young children since their dad left me. I am considering on the day he has them, I drop them off to him then runaway. I have a 3 year old and under 1. Still on mat leave. And really struggling to bond with these kids as a single mom. I have suggested to have them live with him. He says he would do it but only if I sign over full custody to him. I don’t want to lose my rights fully in case I do want to be there later. What should I do?

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 02/02/2023 18:34

[ flowers]
Is pnd a possibility? Have you seen a doctor or talked to your health visitor about this?

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:36

TeenDivided · 02/02/2023 18:34

[ flowers]
Is pnd a possibility? Have you seen a doctor or talked to your health visitor about this?

No I’m too scared to talk to anyone in case social services get involved and remove them altogether. I’d rather them just live with their dad.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 02/02/2023 18:37

Things might seem miserable now but you can get through this. Two tiny kids is hard work. Do you have a heath visitor or a Homestart scheme in your area?

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:38

megletthesecond · 02/02/2023 18:37

Things might seem miserable now but you can get through this. Two tiny kids is hard work. Do you have a heath visitor or a Homestart scheme in your area?

I have a health visitor. I don’t know what they can do though? Also I’m not sure about homestart will have to look that up

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 18:39

Imo you are being quite selfish. Life with 2 x dc is hard. Life without their dm will be even harder for your dc...
Let the professionals in to help op.. Support doesn't mean ss will take them away.

gonnabeok · 02/02/2023 18:39

Don't make the decision yet, see if you can get some support externally. Do you have any surestart offices near you. Can you explain how you feel to social service they have early help workers where you can access support so you don't feel overwhelmed. You can't sign your kids over as such but you can agree when and how much time they spend time with each parent. Also speak to your GP as there may be a medical cause for how you're feeling right now.

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:40

Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 18:39

Imo you are being quite selfish. Life with 2 x dc is hard. Life without their dm will be even harder for your dc...
Let the professionals in to help op.. Support doesn't mean ss will take them away.

I don’t know. Their father seems to love and care about them. I don’t think you realise how much harder it is a single parent

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/02/2023 18:41

Talk to gp and hv
If ss step in it will be to support you.

If you run away then your ex will surely casll police to find you and you will get ss involved anyway

TeenDivided · 02/02/2023 18:41

SS won't just take them. Even if you were neglecting (as in not feeding or keeping them clean) them they would try to help first, get family involved second. Taking into care is a last resort.

Please ask for help. I don't know about pnd as we adopted but I do know it is common and it can be overcome.

PotKettel · 02/02/2023 18:41

I’m so sorry, you are carrying such a big load and your ex sounds like a dick.

Don’t run away, please. You won’t be happy you did later on.

Instead…Call your HV. You could easily have pnd pr regular depression.

Do you have friends or family to turn to? I wish you were my friend, I’d love to help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask people you know for help - even a friendly neighbour or someone at a playgroup.

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:42

gonnabeok · 02/02/2023 18:39

Don't make the decision yet, see if you can get some support externally. Do you have any surestart offices near you. Can you explain how you feel to social service they have early help workers where you can access support so you don't feel overwhelmed. You can't sign your kids over as such but you can agree when and how much time they spend time with each parent. Also speak to your GP as there may be a medical cause for how you're feeling right now.

I don’t know if there’s a medical cause. I just don’t feel like I can love them properly. I don’t feel maternal enough

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 18:42

I had 4 alone.... Presumably your ex is an ex for a reason. Would he be suitable to be the main influence on them and their future?

midgetastic · 02/02/2023 18:44

You are being illogical

You want to hand the children away to their dad yet worry if you admit to PND they will take the children away ... in all likelihood to their dad ...

Logically the best thing to do is to ask for help. Asking for help does not mean your children get taken away. But it will make you better. And happier.

Asking for help is very hard and scary but you are ready to do that

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:45

PotKettel · 02/02/2023 18:41

I’m so sorry, you are carrying such a big load and your ex sounds like a dick.

Don’t run away, please. You won’t be happy you did later on.

Instead…Call your HV. You could easily have pnd pr regular depression.

Do you have friends or family to turn to? I wish you were my friend, I’d love to help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask people you know for help - even a friendly neighbour or someone at a playgroup.

thats nice of you to say. I don’t have friends, colleagues I don’t really talk to since I have social anxiety and just do my job and go home. I have parents local, but not of any help since dad is working 2 jobs, and mum has a bad relationship with me always makes me feel like I’m a burden when I express how I feel and tells me to shut up and get on with parenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:47

Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 18:42

I had 4 alone.... Presumably your ex is an ex for a reason. Would he be suitable to be the main influence on them and their future?

He was abusive towards me but never towards the kids so although he is better off out of my life I think he will be good with the kids

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 02/02/2023 18:50

It is not surprising you are feeling low. No parental support, abusive ex.
Please please please talk to your GP / HV asap.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 02/02/2023 18:50

Oh my lovely Flowers this definitely sounds like PND. SS will not take your DC away, please go and see your doctor and ask for help.

I'm s single parent, I had horrendous depression when my DC were small, including suicidal ideation. SS were never concerned.

If you're local to me I'm more than happy to meet you for a coffee and a chat.

Shlomping1234 · 02/02/2023 18:52

Please speak to your health visitor.
A year ago, I was you and I wish I'd reached out for help. Social services are there to help and they'd rather you reach out than struggle like I did.

Patertater · 02/02/2023 18:52

Please seek support. Whether they are adopted children or not, they are very young children and require basic care, love and attention. I understand it's very hard and that things have been made worse by your ex leaving you. You need help so please seek it.

liveforsummer · 02/02/2023 18:54

No I’m too scared to talk to anyone in case social services get involved and remove them altogether. I’d rather them just live with their dad.

I think your misunderstanding how ss work. They don't just take dc away. Dad would be the first port of call but they'd support you to have shared custody as that's what's best for dc

Original poster
Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:57

Will SS show up on my dbs record? Because I work for the NHS so wouldn’t like anything to be flagged up on my enhanced dbs record because then I could lose my job.

OP posts:
bigbabycooker · 02/02/2023 18:58

Please don't do this OP. Try home start and SS to ask for some extra support. Your ex is currently not pulling his weight and seems to be goading you into giving up your kids if you want more help - this is not ok and is a continuation of the abuse. You are a good mum - good mums worry about being able to be good mums, but they do need a break from time to time.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 02/02/2023 19:08

Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:57

Will SS show up on my dbs record? Because I work for the NHS so wouldn’t like anything to be flagged up on my enhanced dbs record because then I could lose my job.

Nope. At least not that I know of. DBS is checking for a criminal record isn't it?

I've had SS involved and have had DBS checks done since, never had a problem getting one.

Sleepless1096 · 02/02/2023 19:27

I really feel for you. Unfortunately it is much easier and more societally acceptable for dads to walk out on their parenting responsibilities than for mums. There is nothing wrong with you for finding caring on you own for 2 tiny children tough and thinking this is not what you signed up for.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 02/02/2023 19:31

Did you post the other day?

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