Page 2 | Leave kids at dads door and leave

Flillyflally · 02/02/2023 19:32

Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 18:39

Imo you are being quite selfish. Life with 2 x dc is hard. Life without their dm will be even harder for your dc...
Let the professionals in to help op.. Support doesn't mean ss will take them away.

Please ignore this shit. You are NOT selfish, you are struggling.

OP call your doctor in the morning, it sounds like you have some mental health issues and that does not mean your children will be taken away. I’m on my second bout of counselling (single parent to my son), no one is taking him away, they’re are HUGELY understanding.

Can you get some childcare for your older one? Are they spending any time with their dad? (Who sounds like a selfish tosser by the way) have you tried contacting Home Start? They send some round to help you out free of charge if they cover your area. There is help for you out there, this is really tough to deal with, I absolutely feel you and I only have one. And I’ll say again, You are NOT selfish, you are struggling. Xx

Eastereggsboxedupready · 02/02/2023 19:34

When you have dc their needs come first. Dc need you op.
Accepting help will enable you to do that.

inloveandmarried · 02/02/2023 19:36

@Lonep I'm a Homestart volunteer. You are exactly they type of mum we help. It's a befriending service and you get hands on help for 2-3 hours a week.

You can refer yourself. Let them know this is urgent. There isn't a charge for this help.

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

AllOfThemWitches · 02/02/2023 19:36

If he really cared about them, he'd do it without conditions. So, don't leave your kids with him probably.

wildseas · 02/02/2023 19:38

Social services support doesn’t show up on a dbs check, and they will be able to help negotiate with the kids dad for a fairer split.

Would he agree to 50/50 do you think? Or to having them an extra day a week?

Are you claiming maintenance from him yet? If not start now and use some of that money for childcare to give you a break.

And yes, do go to the gp and get checked out for post natal depression - feeling like you haven’t bonded is one of the signs.

Single parenting is really hard when they’re little and yours are difficult ages even for 2 parents. But you’ll get through it.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/02/2023 19:42

Lonep · 02/02/2023 18:36

No I’m too scared to talk to anyone in case social services get involved and remove them altogether. I’d rather them just live with their dad.

Show quote history

How is involving SS a worse option then dumping DC on their Dad and taking off? Get help, if you want to stay in your DC life get help. Our mother did this, popped back in and out of our lives when it suited her. It was incredibly shellfish of her and it damaged us all, none of us have contact with her as adults. SS have seen it all, reach out for support, see your GP for antidepressants, yes they can't change your life circumstances but they can help you cope with your life as is.

EyesOnThePies · 02/02/2023 19:43

Oh, love, you must be feeling poleaxed with a baby and your partner having left you.

Of course it’s hard to cope, anyone would find it so!

No way would social services get involved because you sought help! You are just overwhelmed right now. And you might have PND Depression. Millions of women suffer like that and social services are not involved!

This is not the right time to make a decision as major as signing residency over to their father. This is the right time for you to get help and support. Please talk to your Health Visitor, she will have heard similar stories very often.

Have you any friends / family you can talk to?

I am sorry everything is so hard at the moment. Many many women on MN have struggled with the same shock and upset. And come through as strong independent (tired, for sure!) single mums. In a year’s time you will be the same.

Silvers11 · 02/02/2023 19:45

Well first off you sound very depressed and when one is very depressed it is very difficult if not impossible to make the best decisions about anything. So first off you need to speak to your GP, health visitor etc and see what help is available

There is a certain amount of illogical thinking in what you have posted. You said 'I have suggested to have them live with him. He says he would do it but only if I sign over full custody to him. I don’t want to lose my rights fully in case I do want to be there later. What should I do? This is the depression talking, I'm pretty sure. You want the best for your children- but once you hand them over to your Ex to raise it will be hard to 'change your mind' because that won't necessarily be in their best interests, especially after any period of time. Your children are not possessions or pawns to be bandied about and handed around different people and it would be very bad for them to be brought up by him and then in a few years decide you want them back. I can see that is why your ex is saying if he does take them he wants you to give up full custody of them. Giving up full custody does not necessarily mean giving up your parental rights

See your GP, get as much help as you can get and only when you start to feel more optimistic and can think clearly is the time to think about where your children's best interests will be served ( which is almost certainly with you)

merlotlover · 02/02/2023 19:48

Sounds like post natal depression
Maybe he could have them more often so you can sleep/rest
Could you 50/50
I think on meds once your head clears you will be able to cope better.
My husband died when he was 29 and we have two kids, I know how hard it is but it's doable with the right meds and help

Wasywasydoodah · 02/02/2023 19:57

There’s a step below social services called “early help” where there is support for struggling parents. You can ring and ask for help. It will be run by the local council. Also get to the GP , it sounds like you hane PND. None of this will show on a dbs.

JanglyBeads · 02/02/2023 20:10

You will always have yr parental rights, don't worry about that, they can't be taken away.

TheCatterall · 02/02/2023 20:19

@Lonep Was there a time since having your children that you didn’t feel this way towards your children or can you pinpoint a time your feelings changed towards them.

it could be the changes in your life, pnd etc that has brought this on.

consider this - you could get help and support and feel like a happier more confident person and parent.

or you could abandon them with an abusive man who may eventually turn on them and your abandonment etc could cause them issues mentally as they grow up.

please get help before you do this.

thing’s that show up on DBS checks. You can easily verify this with google but it’s basically serious criminal or fraudulent crimes.

please reach out and get help from all possible avenues. Regardless of being a mother - you could lead such a happier life as an Individual with some support.

Cocobutt · 02/02/2023 20:25

He says he would do it but only if I sign over full custody to him. I don’t want to lose my rights fully in case I do want to be there later.

How often does he have them?

Neither of you should have sole full custody.

Do you think he means parental responsibility?

It’s absolutely fine for a dad to raise his kids as they are the most important thing but what is concerning is that you say he was abusive, which I’d be worried about him having full custody.

My friends ex raised their kids as she had MH issues.
She’s now better and wants her kids back but of course it doesn’t work like that as that’s not fair on the kids to change their lives just because the mum is better now.

As a single parent myself with no ex on the scene, I really struggled and actually felt like putting them into care but I was depressed and got help and things became so much easier.

Being a single parent is difficult but it’s one of the best things I have ever done and I wouldn’t change it for the world (I would have just got help for my PND sooner).

Cocobutt · 02/02/2023 20:28

I was also too scared to get help with my PND and it turned into psychosis.

Ask your ex to have them more often.

Go and see your gp for antidepressants.

Find out about home start.

Give it a couple of weeks (keep posting on here).

If nothing changes or you feel worse call SS.

If things get worse then you can think about letting ex have full custody.

Chances are after a couple of weeks on antidepressants you will feel much better.

Gingerkittykat · 02/02/2023 20:34

I was also at the point of abandoning my daughter because I thought she would be better off without me because I had PND. Please reach out and get help from your GP and health visitor, things really can get better.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 02/02/2023 20:39

OP I have Early Help which is organized through social services but not with social workers, it's early assessment and support workers, and in my experience they are lovely. It is not thought of as a bad thing at all. I would ask your HV to refer you to Early Help and to HomeStart.

Being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, so I sympathise, hope you can get some more support as you deserve it. By the way if he was a nice dad he would be doing much more childcare and not have been abusive to you, the kid's mum. He's not a great option for the children.

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/02/2023 20:41

Are you in the UK?

If you're in the UK then the whole thing is moot.

You cannot sign over "custody". That isnt a thing in the UK.
You cannot sign away your parent responsibility unless you have the child adopted away.

Your ex cannot decide that if the kids live with him then you cant see them. That isnt how it works.

In the UK, there is resident parent and non resident parent. You can decide amongst yourselves how much time you would spend with them or you can do it through court if he says you cannot have access.

What happens is, your ex becomes resident parent. You have the kids on a schedule you both agree. It isnt set in stone and can be revisited if you want more time etc.

You could choose to never see them again. He wouldnt be able to force you to see them. But he cannot choose to keep you away. If you want to see them then you can, unless a court says you cant.

You need to talk to him about the actual laws in the UK because him saying "you just sign over full custody" is picked right out of American movies. It doeant work like that here.

You dont have to be resident parent. But he cannot stop you having access.

Original poster

Lonep · 02/02/2023 23:06

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/02/2023 20:41

Are you in the UK?

If you're in the UK then the whole thing is moot.

You cannot sign over "custody". That isnt a thing in the UK.
You cannot sign away your parent responsibility unless you have the child adopted away.

Your ex cannot decide that if the kids live with him then you cant see them. That isnt how it works.

In the UK, there is resident parent and non resident parent. You can decide amongst yourselves how much time you would spend with them or you can do it through court if he says you cannot have access.

What happens is, your ex becomes resident parent. You have the kids on a schedule you both agree. It isnt set in stone and can be revisited if you want more time etc.

You could choose to never see them again. He wouldnt be able to force you to see them. But he cannot choose to keep you away. If you want to see them then you can, unless a court says you cant.

You need to talk to him about the actual laws in the UK because him saying "you just sign over full custody" is picked right out of American movies. It doeant work like that here.

You dont have to be resident parent. But he cannot stop you having access.

Yes I’m uk. I did tell him custody was an American thing but he doesn’t seem to think so. I think I may just push him to be resident parent however I think he would make visitations very difficult for me

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 03/02/2023 07:12

Yes I’m uk. I did tell him custody was an American thing but he doesn’t seem to think so. I think I may just push him to be resident parent however I think he would make visitations very difficult for me

Prob safer to do things through mediation then can go to court if he doesn't agree or starts to deny access

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/02/2023 11:10

Yes, go to mediation or at the very least have a solicitor write to him about your wishes, and suggest he consult his own solicitor as regards the law as he cannot demand that you never see them. Have your solicitor briefly explain the situation in the letter maybe; that he would be resident parent but you have exactly the same rights as one another and he must facilitate your having a meaningful contact schedule.

Once he speaks to a solicitor, he will quickly be out right on what he can and cannot do.

LabradorEyes · 03/02/2023 13:33

Social services will not get involved just because you ask for help, but they will definitely get involved if you abandon your children on the doorstep and one of them runs away, or someone reports you for having abandoned them. Please ask for help, or let the father look after them full time. Those children need care and love, and at the moment your undiagnosed PND is not letting you see clearly

Temporaryname158 · 28/06/2023 14:38

Please don’t sign your children kver to your ex. You will never have a good relationship going forward. Seek help from your health visitor, gP, the early start link posted above. There is lots of help to see you through this dark time. You will always regret handing them over the an abusive ex