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Lone parents

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Original poster

Bad parent for wanting a break? (Sometimes)

49 replies

SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 18:11

does it make you a bad parent to want a break from your children? I am with my children full time, they are hard work (sen) my 5 year old is being extremely challenging and my oldest is out of school atm so she’s at home full time.
I often long for regular weekends to myself where the children are off with their father and I can just rest! Im so exhausted and I find it relentless never getting any time “off” especially as a lone parent as I’m am doing everything alone.
However other single parents keep telling me how “lucky” I am not to have to “share my children” trying to make me feel guilty for wanting a break. I posted on another single parents group the other day because I was sad that my ex will never have any responsibility he will never do a school run, never care for them when they are sick, never cook for them, never have them overnight, never clean up after them, never take them to their appointments etc and I was told how lucky I was to wake up to my children every day 🤦🏻 again like I should feel bad for wanting a break, when their behaviour is challenging it would be nice to have a weekend to myself to look forward to, honestly my ideal would be 50:50. Not sure why my ex gets to walk away from parenting. I feel I would be a better parent if I had regular breaks so I wasn’t so burnt out, weekends I really struggle and barely leave the house as I’m so exhausted and just need to rest. (I’m not talking about cases of abuse I can totally understand why people wouldn’t want abusive exes around but the opposite of an absent ex isn’t an abusive one) is it bad to feel this way?

OP posts:
viva87 · 13/01/2023 19:07

No it’s not bad to feel that way. A friend recently told me you can’t poor from an empty cup. Ie you can’t parent well if you’re empty.
i love my dd but sometimes I would like just even 5mins to myself.
I don’t have a solution for you but I do understand and you are not bad for thinking that.

Comedycook · 13/01/2023 19:13

I'm not a single mum but honestly if I split up with DH, I'd be pretty happy to share custody 😂

You are not being unreasonable...it sounds exhausting and relentless.

Yesterdaywasntreal · 13/01/2023 19:20

I'm so sorry you're feeling burnt out op. From everything you've said in your post it is understandable. It is no wonder you feel exhausted when you arent getting thay break and will be constantly on high alert. Some 'you' time is completely needed so you can have a mental break. Is there a relative/friend/childminder that could take the dc for even a small amount of time? Are you at work when they're a school?

Yesterdaywasntreal · 13/01/2023 19:21

at*

QuinkWashable · 13/01/2023 19:21

No, you are not being unreasonable. Mine see their dad one daytime a fortnightish (a little less as sometimes only one wants to go/if he asks to see them) - and the last two times before Christmas I was sick for each and spent the day sleeping on the sofa, so I felt like I was continuously working, looking after kids, or cleaning the house for a couple of months.

Relentless is the word.

Yesterdaywasntreal · 13/01/2023 19:22

Sorry just reread and you said your oldest is at home atm. Will she be going back to school?

Stressfordays · 13/01/2023 19:25

Whilst I get what the single parents are saying (my ex used to see the kids and it is loads easier without his shit) I do know what you mean. What I'd give to have every other weekend off from parenting. There are pros and cons to both sides. Lone parenting is hard work and completely relentless.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 19:41

I think there are pros and cons and every situation has different nuances so hard to generalise, definitely invaluable to get a regular break from the kids can't imagine many people arguing with that. But if you've got an ex who is extremely hard work, or wants them for longer than you'd like to be without them, or abusive, or a bad influence etc I can see in those situations where it would just be simpler or preferable to do it all yourself, as relentless as that is. Some exes are so awful that it is actually harder work having them involved.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 19:50

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 19:41

I think there are pros and cons and every situation has different nuances so hard to generalise, definitely invaluable to get a regular break from the kids can't imagine many people arguing with that. But if you've got an ex who is extremely hard work, or wants them for longer than you'd like to be without them, or abusive, or a bad influence etc I can see in those situations where it would just be simpler or preferable to do it all yourself, as relentless as that is. Some exes are so awful that it is actually harder work having them involved.

Yeh I acknowledged abusive exes in my post but people make out it’s one or the other! There’s plenty of decent exes

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 19:51

Comedycook · 13/01/2023 19:13

I'm not a single mum but honestly if I split up with DH, I'd be pretty happy to share custody 😂

You are not being unreasonable...it sounds exhausting and relentless.

Exactly I see it as one of the perks! Even if I was in a couple I would want some time off? It’s like only single parents are expected to want to never have time away as all the couples I know enjoy a break from their kids now and then

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 19:52

Yesterdaywasntreal · 13/01/2023 19:22

Sorry just reread and you said your oldest is at home atm. Will she be going back to school?

No unfortunately she will not be returning any time soon

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2023 19:52

Comedycook · 13/01/2023 19:13

I'm not a single mum but honestly if I split up with DH, I'd be pretty happy to share custody 😂

You are not being unreasonable...it sounds exhausting and relentless.

Same!!

You can't pour from an empty cup, and a lot of us refill that cup by having time out from people.

Yanbu.

Getinajollymood · 13/01/2023 19:54

Is there a long term plan in place for your eldest?

I do think something needs sorting there - for her primarily but definitely for you as well.

Montague22 · 13/01/2023 19:55

I’d see it as one of the perks too. I work with families, going through often stressful times, and I’ve often thought the couples who break cope better in some ways. They each get some down time…of course that’s a simplistic view as you can end up with blended families etc. I have thought it though 😬

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 20:03

SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 19:50

Yeh I acknowledged abusive exes in my post but people make out it’s one or the other! There’s plenty of decent exes

Show quote history

I mean maybe some people do see themselves as 'lucky' for not having to share their children, with or without a rubbish or abusive ex. But it is a bit shortsighted of them to not to be able to see why some people would want time to themselves. Personally I think most people (in or out of a couple) appreciates a regular break. Everyone is different, and anyone trying to say it's black and white, or that if you want to have a break from your child and not be with them 100% of them time that you're a bad parent isn't really worth listening to imo! I can also see for some people though it's easy to do it on your own if your ex is a pain in the arse.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 20:07

And maybe some people have a great ex / co-parenting relationship, but they would still rather not have a break from their children, and miss them loads when they're not there and would prefer to be with them 24/7. Everyone is different and struggles with different things, most situations have pros and cons.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:13

I’m sure they do feel that way but no need to guilt trip others or tell others they are lucky, we are not suppose to tell people they are lucky to have a good involved ex so shouldn’t say it the other way.

OP posts:
Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 20:16

Personally I get a break every weekend which I really appreciate and think it makes a lot of difference. If anyone tried to tell me I was a bad parent for enjoying the break I think I'd just have to laugh! What a strange thing to say, if anything I'd say it helps me be a better parent! We don't need to be martyr's and want to be with our children 24/7 in order to prove how much we love them..

I definitely don't think it makes you a bad parent for wanting a break, it makes you normal. Are there any groups / childcare facilities you can make use of?

I can also see the flip side though, as having to share Christmas/ bdays isn't easy, but again even on those days I still appreciate the break tbh.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 20:18

SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:13

I’m sure they do feel that way but no need to guilt trip others or tell others they are lucky, we are not suppose to tell people they are lucky to have a good involved ex so shouldn’t say it the other way.

Why are we not supposed to tell people they are lucky to have a good and involved ex?

To be honest I'd stay clear of ever telling anyone they are lucky about anything as you never really know the full situation, also only the individual knows how lucky they feel about anything, it's very subjective

ghjklo · 13/01/2023 20:20

Op no judgement, I am in the same situation as you and it's so difficult. Motherhood esp single parenting is not all rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. we all need or want a break every so often. Don't feel bad about it. Ignore people who say they wish they had theirs 100% of the time, they probably feel some latent guilt that they get a break from their kids but expressing it in a strange way. Nobody can ever understand how tough it is without any support unless they have gone through it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Look after yourself, even if that means getting the kids in bed and vegging out on the sofa every night with a glass of wine. You need to find some me time, try to take the pressure off from trying to be the perfect parent! It's simply not possible as a single parent.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:25

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 20:18

Why are we not supposed to tell people they are lucky to have a good and involved ex?

To be honest I'd stay clear of ever telling anyone they are lucky about anything as you never really know the full situation, also only the individual knows how lucky they feel about anything, it's very subjective

Show quote history

Oh I’ve just seen it said on here a lot that no one should be telling anyone they are lucky to have a decent ex as it’s the norm and not something that should be considered lucky

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:27

ghjklo · 13/01/2023 20:20

Op no judgement, I am in the same situation as you and it's so difficult. Motherhood esp single parenting is not all rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. we all need or want a break every so often. Don't feel bad about it. Ignore people who say they wish they had theirs 100% of the time, they probably feel some latent guilt that they get a break from their kids but expressing it in a strange way. Nobody can ever understand how tough it is without any support unless they have gone through it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Look after yourself, even if that means getting the kids in bed and vegging out on the sofa every night with a glass of wine. You need to find some me time, try to take the pressure off from trying to be the perfect parent! It's simply not possible as a single parent.

Yeh I was told by someone who has 50/50 with her ex that I should feel lucky to wake up to my children every day but some days I want to wake up and not listen to kids crying and screaming, having to cook and clean all day and having to endlessly entertain children some days I just want to be alone.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 13/01/2023 20:28

I always wished for a hospital stay, nothing too serious, where I could rest.
It is relentless. I've done it for 14yrs and its been very grim a lot of the time. I work so have always been pulled in too many directions.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:56

That would be the only time I got a break!

I often wonder if the people that say they never want to be away from their children for a single second are those with a big supportive family who will help out whenever they need so if they are feeling stressed or ill or just want to do something which they can’t take the kids to! They have people that will step in and support them. So it’s not that they don’t want time away just that they don’t want their ex having the children.

OP posts:
Ilikepinacoladass · 13/01/2023 21:03

I'd be sad if I had to go 50/50, so can see why someone would be jealous of not having to share at all, but personally would rather that than ex not having any involvement at all (unless he was a pain in the arse ex).

I don't know anyone who would say they never want to be away from their kids tbh, most people appreciate a break.. all power to the people that do want to be with them every second of the day but don't let them impact how you judge yourself as a parent..