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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Bad parent for wanting a break? (Sometimes)

49 replies

SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 18:11

does it make you a bad parent to want a break from your children? I am with my children full time, they are hard work (sen) my 5 year old is being extremely challenging and my oldest is out of school atm so she’s at home full time.
I often long for regular weekends to myself where the children are off with their father and I can just rest! Im so exhausted and I find it relentless never getting any time “off” especially as a lone parent as I’m am doing everything alone.
However other single parents keep telling me how “lucky” I am not to have to “share my children” trying to make me feel guilty for wanting a break. I posted on another single parents group the other day because I was sad that my ex will never have any responsibility he will never do a school run, never care for them when they are sick, never cook for them, never have them overnight, never clean up after them, never take them to their appointments etc and I was told how lucky I was to wake up to my children every day 🤦🏻 again like I should feel bad for wanting a break, when their behaviour is challenging it would be nice to have a weekend to myself to look forward to, honestly my ideal would be 50:50. Not sure why my ex gets to walk away from parenting. I feel I would be a better parent if I had regular breaks so I wasn’t so burnt out, weekends I really struggle and barely leave the house as I’m so exhausted and just need to rest. (I’m not talking about cases of abuse I can totally understand why people wouldn’t want abusive exes around but the opposite of an absent ex isn’t an abusive one) is it bad to feel this way?

OP posts:

Comedycook · 14/01/2023 10:27

SpinningFloppa · 13/01/2023 20:56

That would be the only time I got a break!

I often wonder if the people that say they never want to be away from their children for a single second are those with a big supportive family who will help out whenever they need so if they are feeling stressed or ill or just want to do something which they can’t take the kids to! They have people that will step in and support them. So it’s not that they don’t want time away just that they don’t want their ex having the children.

Yes I bet all those mums having a go at you for wanting a break are packing their kids off to grandparents every weekend.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/01/2023 12:14

Oh they are definitely the ones with hands on parents who have their kids whenever they want telling me how “lucky” I am to be with mine every second of the day and how they wish they could be 🙄

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 12:28

They’re being judgemental of you, looking after a child with Sen is generally harder than one without. But you are also being judgemental, you
might find that sharing residency is not what you imagine and would cause you a lot of problems as well as giving you a break. And if you regularly were without your children for stretches of time the appeal may fade. Neither is right or wrong. You’re being unfair to presume that they are all sending their children off with relatives

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/01/2023 12:32

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 12:28

And I’m sure the novelty would wear off for them if they never got a single break. I’ve come on here to rant about being told I should love being with my kids every second of every day and how lucky I am when even couples want breaks from their kids occasionally it’s pretty normal and I shouldn’t be made to feel bad for it, as I’m sure they would also change their tune if they never got a single break ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/01/2023 12:38

And it’s a bit rich telling someone they should love being with their kids every second of the day if they are people that have a big support network so if there ex wasn’t involved they would have people stepping in to help when needed, some of us don’t have that at all it’s literally just me. I know single mums whose children do spend significant amounts of time with the grandparents so their exes not being involved wouldn’t mean they never got a break, we don’t all have supportive family.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 14/01/2023 12:44

It's one of those nonsense statements that people say to try to prove how much they love their kids. It's rubbish... people who genuinely don't ever get a break know that.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 12:48

Perhaps they didn’t realise that you have one child out of school (Sen?) and another with Sen. You’ve got things particularly hard. At those ages my kids were reasonably easy to look after tbh. Have you tried getting a carers assessment for some respite?

Livpool · 14/01/2023 13:00

I feel for you OP - it must be completely relentless, especially with one child at home.

I agree with a PP who said if they split up with their partner they would go 50/50. Everyone needs a break or else they will end up having a breakdown.

Sorry your life is so hard - and made worse by people judging you

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/01/2023 13:05

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 12:48

I put it in my post they have additional needs and are extremely hard work, I even put that parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and how atm the good isn’t outweighing the bad (as I knew I would be told my ex doesn’t get any of the good bits either but parenting isn’t all just good fun bits) I don’t have 2 children I have 4 so even if they were extremely easy it’s still hard work doing it solo and I don’t know why I should be grateful their father doesn’t bother with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/01/2023 13:07

Livpool · 14/01/2023 13:00

I feel for you OP - it must be completely relentless, especially with one child at home.

I agree with a PP who said if they split up with their partner they would go 50/50. Everyone needs a break or else they will end up having a breakdown.

Sorry your life is so hard - and made worse by people judging you

Thank you, I’m not sure why people insist I wouldn’t want 50/50 I absolutely would chose that as my ideal scenario, they have a father as well why shouldn’t he care for them 50% of them time, yes I would miss them but it would be good to miss them as it would make me appreciate them more when they are around and the time away would be good for my mental health! Right now it’s the weekend and I’m too exhausted to do anything so we will be on all day and they will spend all day fighting.

OP posts:

MuggleMe · 14/01/2023 13:20

I have a DH who pulls his weight but definitely enjoy time away from the kids. It's absolutely normal and for you even more understandable as it's on you all.the.time.

Yesterdaywasntreal · 14/01/2023 14:29

I'm so sorry you're going through this op, I cannot even imagine how tough it all must be. I hope something can be put in place for your oldest dd to at least give you a small break inbetween school runs. You need time to yourself, this in not good for your mental health and wouldn't be for anybodies.
I wish you had a child minder/friend/family member who could look after your dc even for a couple of hours.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 15/01/2023 00:52

Thank you both, that’s what I was getting at; even if I had a partner I would want a break sometimes. I considered that normal but it seems only single parents are suppose to want to be with their kids at all times. Unfortunately I have family but they are unwilling to help in anyway, my mum use to help me a lot when they were much younger until my brother had his children now she pretty much has them every weekend and doesn’t bother with mine anymore (hasn’t in 5 years) but it is what it is.

OP posts:

QuinkWashable · 15/01/2023 09:42

I think if ex and kids suddenly changed and wanted 50/50 I would probably feel bereft, BUT, there would definitely be a little voice inside getting very excited at the idea of entire weekends or even weeks where it's just me, no other responsibilities..

Mine are getting older, plus I work early mornings, so I don't even get evenings to myself any more - I love them so much, but honestly I'm just gritting my teeth and powering through now until they hit mid-teens and do their own things in the evenings/I can leave the house without them.

Teatime55 · 15/01/2023 10:04

Of course you should want a break.
DD is a teenager, but ND and has severe attachment issues with me. I can go out during the day (although she wants a return time) but I can’t go out in the evening or overnight. She sometimes wakes me in the night for assurance.
She has issues with DH and won’t tolerate his care in the evening, or even just a change in routine (we watch tv together in the evening).
So I’ve never been away, ever.

I have a friend in a similar position to you, 2 children, one SEN, absent father. However her parents are great and she regularly gets away on her own, or with non SEN child. She’s actually not very understanding why I don’t go anywhere, but all our circumstances are different in the end.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 15/01/2023 10:37

Thank you for understanding. Dd is 11 but mentally she is the age of a 5/6 year old (my mum says 3/4 year old 😕) she cannot be left alone at all so I can’t go anywhere without her, she is by my side all day. Her not being at school makes it so much more difficult but unfortunately that is not something that can change right now as the school can’t meet her needs. She can be aggressive and requires a 1:1 at school all day. I honestly feel trapped as awful as that sounds, I just read a post from someone who’s kids spend half the week at their dads and I honestly feel jealous 🥲 I have no social life, no friends, and I am unable to meet anyone or date I have been on my own for almost 6 years so I feel extremely lonely and isolated I have no chance to meet anyone because they are with me at all times.

OP posts:

Teatime55 · 15/01/2023 11:42

Would your mother not have her or is she too difficult?
DD also rarely goes to school at the moment so it’s the 2 of us 7 days a week. She’s mostly lovely company and likes calm and quiet. If she having a bad day she is exhausting emotionally though.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 15/01/2023 11:46

No she doesn’t want to have any of them she reminds me they are my children and I chose to have them, that doesn’t seem to apply to my brothers children though so I’ve given up asking. She’s only interested in those children.

OP posts:

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 15/01/2023 11:52

Yanbu. At all. I love having my dc at home. I'd hate to have 50/50. But I do get time away from them and always have.

I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. You have my sympathy though. You're not a bad parent at all, you just need a break.

SpentDandelion · 15/01/2023 12:29

It takes a certain kind of strength to do what your doing. Not many could do it that's for sure. When you browse some of the trivialities and trite people are posting on this forum alone l hope you realise how remarkable you are, and how lucky your children are to have a Mum who is unstoppable.
As one lone parent to another l respect your stamina, courage, resilience and endurance because those that have never had to it totally alone have no idea of what's involved.
And no you are not an awful parent for wanting a break. Although this stage can feel endless and as though nothing is changing, things do change naturally. You need to remember if you can handle all this on your own, further on down the line life can throw it's worst at you and you will be in a position to throw it all back, nothing can touch you because you grow through what you go through, when you go through a lot of stuff on your own , you don't care whose with you and whose not anymore, because you know what your made of.
Each and every stage in life is temporary, keep moving through them like your doing and don't think your kids don't notice this mountain your climbing. Mine are older now, my biggest cheerleaders and have the utmost respect for me, more importantly l have the highest of respect for myself.
Good luck.

Mammyloveswine · 15/01/2023 13:06

Ive spent this week as a single parent after DH walked out (Im also grieving my mother and looking after a poorly father).

I am exhausted and could cry! My youngest then caught a sickness bug and honestly it's been hell...absolute hell.

I don't blame you at all op, have you a friend/family who could help for a night? You must be absolutely drained and close to burn out.

Sending

Blendandmix · 15/01/2023 13:11

I've just picked my 13 month up from being at my sisters for the weekend. I don't feel bad! They love it!

Comedycook · 15/01/2023 16:14

So your dc doesn't go to school at all op? I think your life would be immeasurably improved if she did. In all honesty, I think you should start a separate thread and get some advice about getting the school and Local authority to provide her with an education. It might be a fight but it sounds like you need her to be in school.

SantaOnFanta · 15/01/2023 16:37

Please don't feel guilty for wanting a break. I will never forget locking myself in the garage so I could actually eat a meal without 5 thousand interruptions.

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