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Original poster

Angry and Indignant, Anybody?

49 replies

littlewoman · 01/02/2008 01:28

I was so furiously angry, when my xh and I split up. Am I the only person in the world that thinks it is absolutely unacceptable to bring kids into the world and then behave as if you have none, and no wife either? People always say 'you must get on with him for the kids' sakes', but what about my sake? Am I supposed to cut off all affective areas of my brain and just feel nothing? It is not possible. It is not possible for me to be civil to him. My dad left us for alcohol, my 1st husband left cos he couldn't be arsed with family, second husband also found 'it just wasn't him', being married. Is this acceptable behaviour? Maybe I am just being fussy.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 01/02/2008 07:47

you don't have to get on for the kids. i know plenty of couples who split who just do the "handover" each week which just lasts a few minutes where they have to be in one another's company.

Original poster
littlewoman · 01/02/2008 09:08

It makes me feel like a freak though, because so many other people seem to surmount their anger or pain in order to be friendly for the dc's sakes. I did manage that with my first husband, but this time I can't. I just despise him so much.

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Linzieloo · 01/02/2008 11:23

I can completely understand where you're coming from. My partner of 10 years left me and our child of 18 months for another woman. Not only have I had to get over the fact that i'd spent the last 10 years with him but that he'd abandonned our child aswell. That was nearly 2 years ago and at present I'm experiencing the very angry phase of grief! Within the space of this last two years he has got married to this person, his family blame me totally for his adultery and have more or less just left me to it and then he dragged me through court to get access. Initially all I'd ask for was time to accept what had happened and become more comfortable with this new person (who I've never met) being around our child, but he couldn't even give me that. He lovingly delivered the court order the day before Mothers Day aswell.

dolallylass · 01/02/2008 11:28

You have my full sympathy. I am struggling to deal with the anger and as you say everybody says just be civil, but holding it in is almost impossible sometimes.
I am making a herculian effort to adjust how I think about it to stop myself getting angry about what he says and does, because its either that or antidepressants and they haven't helped in the past.
I wish I had a magic wand for us both but I totally understand where you are coming from. Be strong. Can you set yourself a target to 'show tham all' (new job, project) and put your angry energy elsewhere? Take care.

Original poster
littlewoman · 01/02/2008 11:52

Linzieloo, I was with mine 13 years. I cannot imagine the pain you felt as he got married. My MIL was a bitch and kept saying to me 'listen, right. The ball's not in your court..' and telling me the way things were going to be, and if she could get over it, so could I. For my sanity, I cut all contact with her.I decided that any way I needed to handle this in order not to commit suicide (and I do mean that), that is the way I would handle it. I've been a doormat all my life. But if it is now necessary to say 'F* off' to the mother in law, or 'no you cannot have the kids, I don't want to see your face down my street today' to xh - that's what I do.
Dolallylass, thank you for your kindness. I was on antidepressants for 3 years, but off them now. Taking control back is much harder work, but much more rewarding in the long run, I agree.
I hope things go from strength to strength for all of us.

OP posts:
Linzieloo · 01/02/2008 12:07

It was all quite strange really, as I found out he had got married from a friend of mine I was still in the phase of numbness/shock etc at the time but it didn't really surprise me. In the interim after he left I found out that he was out one friday night with this other woman so I rang his mum as I was totally shocked. She just said to me 'oh well it was inevitable really wasn't it.' There was also an instance where his dad came round my house to drop something off, he ended up saying 'well you must of done something!'I couldn't believe it!!! I actually felt like saying 'yeah trusting your son is what I've done you twat! It ended up with me having a blazing row with his dad on the phone some months later and me eventually tell him to F*ck off. I drop my son off every other Saturday at their house and it's literally a minute and then i'm away again but it is very difficult to not fly off the handle and have a blazing row. The only thing I think of in relation to rowing with them is that they wouldn't listen to anything I was telling them so what's the point. One day the shit will hit the fan and I honestly think that it will probably come from my son once he realises what a total shit his father is.

Scramble · 01/02/2008 15:37

I still rage with anger if I think too long about how exH decided the best way to move forward in his stress filled life was to get a GF so he had even less time with his kids.

I just don't get it, I would do anything for my kids, I am not saying we should have stayed together for the sake of the kids but I am saying he should have made an effort to make more time for them not less.

I am as civil as I can be and take great joy in knowing that it is all my hard work that ,makes them what they are. Oh and I have the added stress of having exH as my direct boss and I have to stay with the company or pay for all my training they are funding. Plus I love my job and the hours and flexibility suit me.

Original poster
littlewoman · 01/02/2008 18:15

Omg, Scramble. I know I would let my career hit the fan. I can't look xh in the face let alone work for him. I would send the company down the tube, so help me God, before I co-operated with him. You are admirable, honestly.

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Original poster
littlewoman · 01/02/2008 18:16

Linzieloo, my thoughts exactly. With some people, you couldn't get an idea to stick in their brain if you put it there with a hammer and nail, so wtf is the point? Maintain your dignity, eh?

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TLV · 01/02/2008 20:12

Can i join in, my ex changed from being a loving husband, doting dad to a complete shit, we argued he walked then said he didn't love me anymore. Tried in vain to get him to come home and he treated me like shit including sleeping with me and telling me he did it to feel human again!!! even the way he is with dd has changed, never in a million years did i ever think he could do this, god i was never perfect and we fell into mundane married life for a period of time but christ you don't just chuck it all in especially if there are kids involved, but hey i'm his second wife and soon to be second divorce mmmm maybe it just says something about him

Scramble · 01/02/2008 22:54

The thing is I love my job and I couldn't get another like it where I can pick and choose my shifts and call off at the last minute, nearly everyone I know works with me and I couldn't afford to do the degree course I am doing on my own.

I have been complemented on how I am dealing with it all by collegues and that means a lot to me. In 3 years time I will have a degree and exH won't. It can be a nightmare at times as his GF when she was working for the company, if fact I was her supervisor on occasion. I have to work some days in the same room as exH taking direct instruction from him which is horrible but then the other people working alongside me on those occasions are so nice.

He is a fanny I am not, he has ran away to have a little pretend life, I am living the real thing and having turned a corner as they say I just keep smiling to myself, saying thank f&^k he left so I can get on with the rest of my life .

I like to think I have maintained my dignity and gained more respect in doing so.

Original poster
littlewoman · 02/02/2008 12:57

Hit the nail on the head there. It is a pretend life. We are living the real thing, we are living the duties and responsibilities that we took on at the beginning of our marriages, whilst they copped out cos they couldn't hack it. I feel quite proud of that, now. Society is wrong though, I think, to say it's okay to split up, shit happens, you must be strong,move on, get over it, ya de ya. It encourages us to see all relationships as impermanent and perilous. Not only does it make it alright to split up, but it makes the behaviour that causes the split alright too. A person can more freely enter into an affair, knowing it will crash and burn their family, because 'hey, sometimes marriages don't work out, right'? I think that condoning divorce actually condones behaviour that leads to divorce.

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Scramble · 03/02/2008 01:02

I think there is a lot of truth in that, some people virtually patted exH on the back saying well at least he was honest and left you , yeh right! shame he didn't leave me before having it away with here or shock horror not having a bloody affair in the first place and finding other ways to sort out our marriage.

Oh course we shouldn't be shunned for finishing a marriage, but if you just bugger off and have a fling because you need some excitment and can't be arsed making the effort to sort it out, it shouldn't be seen as OK.

Original poster
littlewoman · 03/02/2008 11:37

Let those people have the same happen to them, and see how much they admire such honesty then. Personally, I'd rather have had him playing away in the background, without any of us (his family) knowing. Actually, do you know what, I'd rather someone had advised me how to choose a partner wisely in the first place. Scrub the stupid fairy tales about love. There should be some real advice out there on how to pick good'uns.

OP posts:
TLV · 03/02/2008 12:36

quite agree littlewomen and scramble, i have dh sat downstairs crying because I asked him not to buy dd things when he takes her at the weekend, not because i was being horrible but i just didn't want her associating seeing daddy and gifts, he took offence at it (his problem!) stupid git, he couldn't be arsed to work at this marriage and its his second!

Pan · 03/02/2008 12:44

TLV "but i just didn't want her associating seeing daddy and gifts.."

Curious position to take? Surely I am reading it out of context. Why would you not want your dd to have gifts??

TLV · 03/02/2008 15:40

I don't think he should be buying for her every weekend when he sees her as it gives the wrong impression, yes its ok to get gifts but not all the time, thats why

TLV · 03/02/2008 15:41

plus i feel it just helps ease his guilt for walking out on us

jellyjelly · 03/02/2008 20:10

tlv/tvl i completely argee with the gift thing. Ds gets gifts very often at daddies and it makes me look bad because i cant afford them. Makes me sick.

TLV · 03/02/2008 20:14

and if i'm honest and coz i'm not a complete cow I would actually like her to look forward to seeing him and not ooh whats daddy got for me this week

Scramble · 03/02/2008 22:44

I have the problem that Daddy is all fun, cinema, bowling meals out etc and mummy is the boring one who tells them when yo go to bed and to do their homework, if he was bringing gifts too I would have no chance.

I have already had DD tell me she wants a second mum because I am not enough, that she wants to move in with granny and that she doesn't need a step dad as daddy is the best but a stepmum would be nice as I am not "up there" oh and she hates our house and doesn't like being here, funny how this all started when daddy moved out .

lostdad · 04/02/2008 09:06

Hard as it is (and believe me, I know it is) you see what is in your child's best interests and work things out from there. Parenting is hard with two people working together; it is even harder when one side can't be bothered or even works against you.

Not many people are clueless when it comes up to right and wrong where their kids are concerned. I'm guessing you're one of the good ones!

Remember...it's bad enough having one irresponsible parent - imagine having two!

Now...if I can just find someone who believes the same thing!

Tippychick · 04/02/2008 11:22

Poor Scramble, I'm sure your daughter doesn't mean any of that but it must be horrible for you.Save some homework for them to take to Daddy's at the weekend!

Isn't it amazing how relationships can continue to bring all this crap into your lives long after they've ended? I think I shall plan on being celibate forever from now on

Scramble · 04/02/2008 23:35

Had a great night with DD, we went bowling and played air hockey and made a fool of ourseves on the dance machine.

They don't go to daddy's house (I wouldn't want them to), I try to get them to save reading and things to do with daddy but he is out the door so quickly even when he says he will put them to bed.

I try to see the good in evrything and I know my DD will get what I did for her when she is older, she is just all mixed up right now, but I love her so much and I am so proud of her.

pirategirl · 06/02/2008 18:38

hugs all round, phew, i think they all turned into the same person.

gutless, arrogant, etc...

Dies it ever make you wonder if you dreamt the whole 'we met, we fell in love and were each others best friends' scenario?

I alter form sad to hurt to betrayed, to angry. Most of all I hate the fact I will never understand how it happened in the first place.

I am 3 yrs since split. He re marries this yr.