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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Angry and Indignant, Anybody?

49 replies

littlewoman · 01/02/2008 01:28

I was so furiously angry, when my xh and I split up. Am I the only person in the world that thinks it is absolutely unacceptable to bring kids into the world and then behave as if you have none, and no wife either? People always say 'you must get on with him for the kids' sakes', but what about my sake? Am I supposed to cut off all affective areas of my brain and just feel nothing? It is not possible. It is not possible for me to be civil to him. My dad left us for alcohol, my 1st husband left cos he couldn't be arsed with family, second husband also found 'it just wasn't him', being married. Is this acceptable behaviour? Maybe I am just being fussy.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlewoman · 06/02/2008 18:57

Well done, Scramble. Sometimes it's too much of an effort to have fun, cos you've got so much work to do. I honestly can't be arsed half the time, so big tick for mummy Scramble lol. Tippychick, I've had a boyfriend for a year and he is such a sweetheart, but I'm sure the reason he seems that way is that I keep him and the kids almost entirely separate. I almost have two lives, and I like it that way

OP posts:

mummyfantastico · 06/02/2008 20:04

I totally agree with the things people have said, I am pissed off with xh for making so many promises over the years and then breaking so many of them by shagging someone else and walking out on me and the kids
One thing that really really pisses me off is that I didn't choose to not see my kids every weekend, I didn't choose to have my kids fed McDonalds and sat in front of the tv for hours, I didn't choose for my kids to have their confidence knocked by daddy walking out on them too. He chose to be a shit, but I'm left to deal with it all.
It's a bloody good job they have such an amazing mum to help make everything better

Scramble · 06/02/2008 22:17

mummyfantastico I love your name and it is great that you know that you are .

givemehope · 07/02/2008 11:02

Temporarily abandoning my 'can it get better?' thread for this one! I am fuming!!! Have just had to drop DS off for contact. We've been doing this for nearly a year now and still feel like I just can't bear it. XP has caused me an awful lot of trouble lately - he still thinks I'm the person to bring his problems to, despite him having a new GF (20 yrs younger than him, of course). As with a lot of you I hate that he gets to play at being a daddy for a few hours a week whilst refusing to take any real responsibility for DS (maintenance for example). Any complaint from me is currently met with the retort of "Move on, get a life" from him. My life is looking after DS and studying and I have precious little time for anything else. AArrgh... Trying desperately to be mature and civil but come home feeling like I want to kick something..

pirategirl · 07/02/2008 11:41

why can't he collect ds btw?

Vacua · 07/02/2008 11:45

I have been angry and indignant, I'm resigned to it now. More than anything it is heart-breaking that he can't even be bothered to send birthday or christmas cards and didn't visit his daughter when she was critically ill even though we tracked him down with enormous difficulty and informed him. I'm long since past caring that he has never contributed financially, I'm better off despite that simply by cherishing the relationship I have with them.

skyatnight · 07/02/2008 11:55

GiveMeHope - I really hate that 'I've moved on. So should you' thing. It's passive-aggressive.

It basically means: 'Shut up talking about how I have did the dirty on you and am still taking you for a mug. I'll never admit it and I got away with it. I'm still getting away with it and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't make me take responsibility or expect any help from me and, if you keep harping on about it, you will just look and sound like a desperate, deluded harpy. Just accept that you have been royally f**ked over and leave me in peace to enjoy my selfish, immature life as 'Jack the Lad' while you slave away carrying the full responsibility for my actions.'
....or something like that...

(Thursday lunchtime rant)

Baffy · 07/02/2008 12:05

totally agree with the op and skyatnight
spot on!

lostdad · 07/02/2008 12:07

I'm with you all here!

I did what everyone does when they realise they are going to be a parent - be totally determined that my my child had the best childhood he could possibly have.

And now his chance of a childhood growing up with two loving parents as been totally destroyed by the selfish and childish actions of his mother. I'm not talking so much about her leaving. That was bad enough - I'm talking about her doing her best to cut his father out of his life.

It makes me so sad that our son - who obviously never chose to be born - is in the middle of this. I don't know how I will explain how this happened to him because I don't understand what has happened myself.

Baffy · 07/02/2008 12:18

lostdad I totally agree with you: "It makes me so sad that our son - who obviously never chose to be born - is in the middle of this. I don't know how I will explain how this happened to him because I don't understand what has happened myself."

pirategirl · 07/02/2008 12:22

'i dont understand what has happened myself'

agreed. I never even got a real sorry, oh I did get one, in an argument.

I questioned this some months later, and was told that he 'had said' sorry.

That was all i desereved then after all that time married then. Made me feel like nothing.

lostdad · 07/02/2008 12:32

At the end of the day - the only thing I think I had a right to from my ex was her honesty.

I didn't get that before she left without warning and haven't had it since. I know she's a liar and she knows she's a liar - and her guilty conscience means she won't face me.

The frustrating thing here is that the longer she leaves it (and it's been a year so far) the harder it gets to achieve anything like a workable post-divorce relationship where our son is concerned.

People have told me time and time again `She'll talk to you eventually'. The truth is that she'll only talk to me when she feels she has absolutely no other option - and to be honest, I can't see how that is ever going to come about.

pirategirl · 07/02/2008 13:08

OrmIrian · 07/02/2008 13:14

Ahh littlewoman ! I've not been there so can't know how you feel but I can sympathise. A friend of mine got together with a married man a few years ago causing him to leave his wife. Her attitude was 'well we fell in love' and 'these things happen'. He left his wife with 2 teenage boys who didn't cope well apparently. And from that point onwards every time the ex-wife showed her (quite understandable IMo) anger and resentment towards them, they just dismissed it as her being vindictive. She was just supposed to 'move on' and be grown up about it, without anyone acknowledging that she had been badly treated. It got increasingly hard to bite my tongue and I rarely see that friend nowadays. Don't like the bloke much anyway.

givemehope · 07/02/2008 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

givemehope · 07/02/2008 16:48

(I asked them to withdraw last message as felt I'd included too much identifying info)
Skyatnight - a superbly accurate translation! made me laugh, thank-you.
Pirategirl- he doesn't come to the house because I've got a restraining order preventing him from doing so. I don't usually go to his either - was an exception today.
A friend suggested. 'When XP is an arse why don't you celebrate the fact that you're not with him anymore by having a party in your head instead of letting him wind you up?' Am currently trying to follow this wise advise!

Original poster

littlewoman · 07/02/2008 23:49

Skyatnight pmsl at your translation.And if I could admit that I have been a mug and for my idiocy have been royally fucked over, maybe I could move on lol.
OrmIrion- I once tried to contact the OW to give her a piece of my mind, but she answered the call and put her phone next to a blaring radio. That's all I need to know about her. She's a coward. I have never spoken to her or seen her in a social situation, she is not allowed up my road with xh unless he wants to find me up his road with an axe. That's the deal pmsl. Love? my arse. She was his umpteenth affair. She was just the one I chose to chuck him out on. What's so special about that?

OP posts:

skyatnight · 08/02/2008 18:46

You're not a mug, LW. They just like to make you feel like one.

The other thing about the: 'I've moved on, why can't you?' phrase is that of course it is easier for the one who left to move on, because they have the freedom and time and we have the responsibility and no time.

Also, the implication that we are not moving on because, somehow (?) we are still holding a candle for him!!?!?!!? Are they so egotistical as to believe that our annoyance and loathing is really suppressed passion?! Or is it just an easy way to deflect unwelcome practical queries about maintenance and them bothering to see their children? The latter I think, but it works.

mummyfantastico · 10/02/2008 04:51

And why does everyone think moving on means finding a new relationship? My x said patronisingly the other day "One day, you might be ready to move on..." and it annoyed me.
Surely being comfortable as a single person is actually more moving on than moving in with some tart. I have coped admirably with not having him around, whereas surely his gf is just a replacement me to cook and clean and wash his clothes.

neva · 10/02/2008 08:50

That is true about moving on. To jump at the first chance of a relationship is surely a sign of insecurity. I think that for lots of us being single is absolute bliss compared with being in an awful so-called 'relationship.' In many cases, you would have to feel sorry for the new partner of x, 'cos they will probably have to go through the same as you did.

givemehope · 10/02/2008 11:40

I am getting the "you're still holding a candle" type remarks a lot recently, from XP and his friends. No, actually. It just does make me angry to hear that he's out running around with his new young GF whilst refusing to give me any maintenance (he works cash in hand so I can't get it through the CSA) and taking no responsibility for DS - but moaning that I'm denying him his 'rights' as a father. Also, I'm still trying to get my head and life together after a horribly abusive relationship and to provide a stable situation for DS. Sadly seems that XP hasn't learnt anything at all. Think neva is right - XP's new GF will have some nasty surprises if she stays with him.

bb99 · 10/02/2008 22:25

I have only skimmed this, but I dealt with x hubby by thinking about it as a triangle. This really helped me to be civil (most of the time) and dissociate myself from his general naffness and then I moved on... ok this was 10+ years ago, but it worked at the time too...

The triangle works like this - I am at one point, he is at one point, the kids are at one point.

Xhub and I have (?*!) a relationship - one side of triangle, and I have relationship with kids (another side) and he has a SEPARATE FROM ME relationship with kids...

When I realised this HE had to take responsibility for being rubbish when he let the kids down and I stopped feeling SO responsible for his poor behaviour - it stopped being my fault and so I stopped feeling guilty and could just feel mad (on the kids behalf). Also I could still be annoyed about the merry dance he led me, but it took the kids out of that part of the equation.

I love my kids to bits and if it wasn't for him (ironic I know) I wouldn't have them. I have tried hard not to rubbish him in front of them EVER, even if I say stuff when they're not around, as he is a part of them, no matter how annoying that is, and if I run him down in front of them I feel I am being unkind to 50% of each child and will ultimately make them feel bad.

givemehope - if he was awful and abusive should your ds have the right to supervised visits??

And lostdad - I don't know full situ, but you could sort a visiting order thru courts...hard I know, but visitation orders can be made to work and if ds comes asking questions in the future he'll know you wanted to see him and made every effort possible.

skyatnight · 11/02/2008 11:13

bb99, I think that is a useful way of thinking about it.

givemehope · 11/02/2008 20:07

Thanks bb99 - it's good to hear from someone a bit further down the line (timewise) on how to deal with these situations. DS has unsupervised day-time contact with XP now, we have been in court proceedings for nearly a year. Contact was supervised to begin with (by a mutual friend) due to past domestic violence. As that went ok the court insisted we move to unsupervised. I am not very happy about it. The rational is that XP was 'only' violent to me and will not necessarily be abusive to DS. Knowing how short his fuse can be I am constantly worried about how he copes with a toddler. He (XP) is now asking to have DS for overnight stays - I am completely against this but my solicitor is telling me I may have to accept it. Sorry if this has turned into bit of a thread hijack but it's all very stressful!

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