I'm so ashamed

[Ashamed82]

As the title says, I'm so ashamed and hate myself and who I am. I'm a lone parent of three lovely kids. They don't see their father at all, there is a no contact order in place due to domestic violence from their father (emotional abuse of them and physical towards me). This happened over the last 6 months of my marriage and was defined to that period, we were a very happy family up to that point.

I've spent 2 years on my own raising them and have no help from family (not geographically close) or friends (I feel too afraid to rely on anyone). I work in a difficult job with long hours and stress, which pays for my family life.

I'm becoming increasingly burnt out and resentful of my children. Im now at the point where I don't feel like a human being, let alone capable of emotionally supporting my children. I'm ashamed in general of my resentment towards them because they've done nothing wrong and didn't ask to be in this situation either. They're completely innocent and my spiralling anger towards the unfairness of circumstances is completely unfair and wrong.

I lost it this morning and it came pouring out. Something simple, my son not putting his breakfast dish in the dishwasher. I shouted at him, at all three of them, that I couldnt cope and need them to care for me too. I said that if I burned out there would be no one to look after them.

I cried all the way to school through their drop off and am still crying, though I need to be at work. I know how awful my actions were. It is emotional abuse. I know how awful my feelings are. I dont know what to do. What would you do?

I think it might be worth speaking to your gp op. And I think sit your kids down tonight and apologise and see if they are ok.

OP

you are a person too, not just their service human.
Don’t feel bad. Hopefully the kids behave a bit better.
can you try some stronger consequences for behaviour?

Don’t be ashamed. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

Can you get signed off work for a few days? It sounds like you need a break.

Sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you have a great deal of pressure on you.

You’re human: apologise to the kids later and explain that grown ups sometimes have melt downs too, but we can always recover from intense feelings. What matters is not the rupture (inevitable when people are under pressure) but the reparation.

Do you have any therapeutic support? Agree maybe a trip to the GP is a god idea too.

And remember this too shall pass. You won’t always feel this crushed by things.

And if you were my friend, I would be happy to listen and offer a little practical support now and then. So maybe reach out to friends with a little more truthfulness about what’s happening

Ps a few days off work sounds a great idea too as @Peridot1 says.

aww OP I’m sorry you feel so burnt out. I’m sure your kids will be okay. Apologise to them tonight for the outburst and explain/check they are okay (depending on age etc). Your only human and sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Secondly you need to speak to your GP. See if you can be signed off or something can be given to help. 💐 xx

You've burned out. Stop waiting for it to happen, it's here.

See the GP. Ask for talking therapies. If they give you drugs, limit it to a few weeks.

Talk to your children when they get home. Tell them you need their help, and you don't want to be cross with them.

I don't know how old your children are but if they're relatively independent (over 6?) you might insist on a 'Mummy hour' to yourself every single evening, no matter what. Perhaps after they've had something to eat and are watching television or gaming. During Mummy Hour you might have a shower or do your nails, but you won't be ironing, cooking or any other thing. That can wait.

I'm not surprised you're struggling, you've been through a lot and trying to do it all is bloody hard.

Could you afford counselling? I think having someone impartial to talk to would be really helpful.

I'm a lone parent (dd has no contact with her dad) and it's tough going.

Find ways to treat yourself, book an annual leave day and do something you want to do.

You have to make looking after yourself a priority in order to top up the emotional reserves to care your children.

Oh lovely I'm so sorry. It sounds so hard. You need a big big hug just as a start. You sound depleted and worn out. I wish I could a sound practical suggestion. You sound mentally exhausted.

One thing for sure you sound intelligent, emotionally compassionate and capable. How you are feeling is not you. It is a you that is worn out and a bit broken by exhausting circumstances.

Come home tonight and welcome your children. Explain to them that you are sorry that you shouted at them and that you are tired and worn out. That you love them and that nothing is going to happen to you and together you are a team. Children recognise when things are important. Have a take away or eggs and cereal or something. You get the idea - something low effort.

Maybe you should see your GP about being signed off for stress for a period. Only you know if that's suitable but you sound completely done in.

You need to make your task doing something for you. Something that recharges and replenishes you. However tiny it can have a cumulative effect. A bath, an early night, a good book, meditation, a run. Work at it. Think of ways to achieve this. Who can help? Think of it a chore that must be done.

It's not easy. It's hard. but you are doing an amazing job. You really are. Sending you energy and good vibes.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this . Bring a single parent with little or no support is not easy and you have no reason to feel ashamed. I would suggest speaking to your gp about how you are feeling and ask if there are any local single parent or women's groups that you could speak to. Talk to your children too and explain that you all need to work as a team to help each other. I had to do the same with my sons when they were younger because my exH chose not to see them for 8 years. Maybe try to plan some fun things to do with other mums so that the children get time out and you get some adult conversation ?
You can do this 🤗

Don’t beat yourself up. We all lose our patience with our children. It’s normal. Apologise tonight. Ask your children to help more. You are doing a fantastic job. Your children love you. Take a day out at the weekend, go to the park and have fun.

you do need friends. What do you do for you?

Ring in sick for this week with general unwellness. See you GP and get signed off for a month (you might need a bit more).
You really need some time to rest and for your body and mind to reset.

Then when you feel able can you see if there is any local support available and to ask your GP to refer you for support around the DV. You are still carrying all that with you. No wonder you feel how you do.
Sounds like you are doing an awesome job in difficult circumstances. The fact that how you feel and how you think it could impact on your kids speaks volumes for the love and care you have for them (even if you don't always feel it in the moment).

Also, do you have family you can start to talk to. I might feel uncomfortable at first, to let others know you are feeling hiw you are can feel quite exposing and vulnerable
But you may be surprised by the support that IS there for you, you just need to ask for it.

OP please do not feel a failure. You had the courage to leave a relationship that had turned toxic, that in itself takes alot of strength.
Anyone in your position would feel the same, its hard carrying the entire load alone. Its ok to say your finding it hard. As a single parent myself l often felt as you do because l am not sime super human robot who can pretend everything is ok all of the tine when its not. My kids are older now, everything is calmer. l read some of the threads on here re cost of living etc and it makes me realise how cushioned some peoples lives have been, because for some of us the cost of living and heating bills has been a constant worry for years.
How lucky are they that they only have to worry about these issues now and its these type of people who are kicking uo the biggest fuss.
I would focus on the stuff that needs doing and try and turn a blind eye to the rest, my house was always messy, we survived. Make yourself a priority, self care is critical, try and go to bed an hour earlier, take vit supplements, try and reduce your hours if at all possible. Try and make life that little bit easier for you, your doing a brilliant job and remember this stage of your life is only temporary.

Do seek out support for yourself. You are human. My kids know we are a team and they have to do their bit. Physically and emotionally.

Try to make small pocket of time for yourself. I know it's said a lot but this year I joined a small running group. I'm no runner. But it is an hour for me. And has made the world of difference.

I understand you perfectly. I have that resentment too. You need time to just rest your body and brain. Can you get a week off from work?. I think you need to let the kids know you are struggling and they need to do more round the house.

You've been through such an ordeal OP. I've been through similar but not so severely, ex still has the kids a little and I have family support. 4 years on though and I still feel completely battered from it and like I'll never be the same. It is absolutely horrendous.

You are doing bloody amazing. And it's not surprising you are at breaking my point. I agree with PP's- apologise to the kids, give them a hug. They'll be alright. We're all human.

Get yourself to the GP. Get signed off a bit. I would also recommend you get in touch with gingerbread, for some support as a single parent: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Op I'm a single parent of 3 and the have bi weekly sleepovers at their dads.
I'm exhausted and can imagine it's a whole lot worse for you.
You are an absolute warrior for giving your children the love stability and support they desperately need.
As other PPs have said, it would be good to get some time off to recharge.
My youngest has just started secondary level education and things are easier.
It's all still so raw for you right now and depending on your age you could be starting peri menopause which won't be helping at all.
Deep breaths and talk to your kids tonight. I often say to my kids it's my responsibility to show them how to treat me, laying age appropriate expectations is no bad thing.

They love you.

Thank you all so much. It makes a big difference to hear positive and supportive comments and I'm grateful for you taking time to reassure me. I have made a gp appointment, which is good advice.

As other lone parents, how do you manage to overcome feelings of resentment? I cant seem to get past the pain that my life and my children's lives are so different to what I expected for us. I dont know how to be everything to everyone and I feel so unbearably angry that I must be - rage that I have such little freedom both practically but also emotionally. Can anyone else relate to this and share how you move forward?

I think you overcome resentment by processing what's happened to you, talking everything through and making some sort of sense of it all makes it easier to put the blame where it belongs (your ex) and gives your feelings an outlet. You haven't had much choice other than to just keep carrying on, spinning all the plates, and it means all that trauma you've been through is just swirling around inside you with no way to escape.

So now you need to figure out how to make the time and space to get rid of it, talking therapy, offloading onto friends or loved ones, time off work, whatever you think will help. Not easy I know when you still have to keep life going for you and DC but it's crunch time now, you need this

I would talk to your DCs - but also imv encourage them to ask questions and try to explain honestly - they will be quite frightened and upset at your crying. Don't assume they don't understand, but they will be anxious at what the fall out of this might be and they must be hurt that they are blamed. I would try for a long conversation or perhaps continue the conversation the next day and perhaps suggest that they could perhaps learn to make you a sandwich lunch at the weekend so you can have a break /treat you to acup of tea after dinner / whatever.

I had a difficult alcoholic parent and nothing was EVER discussed or explained despite various disasters happening over the years. Somehow it was assumed we weren't affected. Very wrong.

@Ashamed82 I hear you completely on the resentment about things not working out how I expected or planned. I am so so bitter towards my ex. I don't know if I have good advice about moving forward.... I try to take pride in the fact that I do the vast vast majority of things for the kids (and you are doing 100% of it so you're bloody amazing!) and that I've worked hard and still am to sort out a good life for me and the kids. I also vent to my friends who are fantastic. I vent about all the shit my ex has caused and it helps! It's just good to have lovely friends who listen and I can get it off my chest.

Is there an ongoing single parents thread on Mumsnet? There's the lone parents section, but it there an ongoing chat kind of thread, does anyone know? Like there is for the beauty addicts, the WAG threads, those kind of things?

Anyway keep chatting if it's helping, you aren't alone, lots of here get it and please recognise how brilliantly you are doing. Surviving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult, stressful experiences that anyone can go through. You're doing great, be kind to yourself.

@YennefersDress thank you, and for the advice everyone else has given too.

Sounds like others have had a lot to work through as well and also get the highs and lows. It frightens me that as a lone parent you have no reserve, so a low is terrifying as what happens if you can't come back from it one day - there's no supporting pair of hands.

I feel so angry that he gets to swan off with his new girlfriend (much younger of course) and live the clichéd life of parties, travel and freedom. I know I have the children, and that's what I'd choose every time. I still feel unbearably angry though because he doesn't pay any price at all for his awful actions, he gets to live how he chooses. I dont believe karma exists....he could at least get a bald patch to match the sports car 😂

There isn't a longstanding support thread as far as I know. Do you think it could be because there is (wrongly) shame associated with being in this position so we / others don't talk about it much until it gets to breaking point!?

Would anyone else on the forum want one? I think its a great idea.

There used to be a single parents support thread I think. I definitely don't think the lack of one has anything to do with shame, there is no shame in being a single parent.

Being angry or bitter about your ex is a waste of energy, be grateful for your boys and your freedom and look for the positives.

Someone said bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to get sick which sums it up well.

@Ashamed82 I’m just reading your thread as I’ve hit my own wall today. Have you taken some time off work?

I’m at the start of my family court hell with
13 month old but would love to join a single parent support thread!

@Cappuccinodays5 sorry to hear you've hit your own wall, was it something it particular which caused it or a build up of stress?

I took 2 days off work in the end and then went back, still exhausted and very, very oversensitive to perceived criticism. I keep bursting into tears in the work loos for the silliest things. I'm so frustrated with myself as its such a pointless reaction!!

What stage are you at in family Court? It must be extremely difficult for you facing this with a 13m old - you don't have their opinion on what they think, how they feel etc to inform what you think is best for them.