As the title says, I'm so ashamed and hate myself and who I am. I'm a lone parent of three lovely kids. They don't see their father at all, there is a no contact order in place due to domestic violence from their father (emotional abuse of them and physical towards me). This happened over the last 6 months of my marriage and was defined to that period, we were a very happy family up to that point.
I've spent 2 years on my own raising them and have no help from family (not geographically close) or friends (I feel too afraid to rely on anyone). I work in a difficult job with long hours and stress, which pays for my family life.
I'm becoming increasingly burnt out and resentful of my children. Im now at the point where I don't feel like a human being, let alone capable of emotionally supporting my children. I'm ashamed in general of my resentment towards them because they've done nothing wrong and didn't ask to be in this situation either. They're completely innocent and my spiralling anger towards the unfairness of circumstances is completely unfair and wrong.
I lost it this morning and it came pouring out. Something simple, my son not putting his breakfast dish in the dishwasher. I shouted at him, at all three of them, that I couldnt cope and need them to care for me too. I said that if I burned out there would be no one to look after them.
I cried all the way to school through their drop off and am still crying, though I need to be at work. I know how awful my actions were. It is emotional abuse. I know how awful my feelings are. I dont know what to do. What would you do?