Can't do this anymore

[TallulahBell11]

I'm losing my mind.

I have 3 young children. Narcissistic ex who doesn't see them or contribute anything. His punishment to me for the injunctions I had to get against him.

I feel utterly and completely exhausted. Broken actually. I'm self employed in a very full on and heavy role. Great as it means I am capable of supporting the children myself but not great in terms of leaving me depleted with no head space , time or energy to get on top of the basics let alone have any time for myself. Its stressful enough having to take time off when the kids are ill/ I'm ill etc as means no money coming in. So to take time off just for me feels impossible. I'm now perimenopausal so struggling physically as well as mentally.

My family have all got their own stuff going on so no real offer of help from them. This in itself upsets me as I am drowning and noone seems to acknowledge it. Even when I ring In tears. I don't feel like anyone understands how fucking done in I am. I am dropping all the plates. I have a wonderful childminder but the expense means again I just don't feel I can justify sending them when I'm not earning in that time.

I don't feel like I'm present enough for my children. The house is so obliterated I don't even know where to start. The washing is never ending yet I can't ever find the clothes I need. Even if I had a day or the energy to start tidying/decluttering- which I don't - it's just constant interruptions from the kids arguing or needing something. So I'm left with a fragmented head not capable of focusing.

I don't think I ever really recovered from lockdown tbh. Plus all the court hearings I had to go through. I'm so burnt out I don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and got through it?

How old are they? Everyone says it gets better but I’m also fully on my own but 4 children no contact from their father and no family support and I’ve yet to find it getting better/easier sorry

I'm a lone parent, also self employed, but only one DC and it does feel relentless at times. How old are your children? Mine is 9 now and it's getting easier...

Can you afford a cleaner? I'm frugal in other ways so that I can have a cleaner come in for two hours every fortnight. I've found it really helps my sanity. Also, in your position, I'd definitely make the most of the childminder! Any other practical solutions/outsourcing you can think of? Things won't change unless we do something different.

Oh, and you mention peri menopause. Are you on HRT? If not, it's worth trying. That made everything easier for me.

It's tough. I hope things ease up for you.

You have my sympathy OP. I reached peak stress on Saturday, I spent all of Sunday and much of this morning in floods of tears. Its so fucking difficult. For me it's the fact that the kids are nobody else's priority. Just me. And there's no one to talk to about them when they're being difficult or blooming amazing. The finances and the house work are a constant struggle. I live in a messy unorganised home.
I have no answers for you, other than to say I get it. It's relentless.
Even with all of this, I never once have wished I was still married to exH. It sounds like you're better off without yours as well.
Hang in there, this too shall pass. You're amazing.

I second the HRT suggestion. It definitely helps me.

Try HRT it may help.
Try and prioritise sleep where you can, i know this must be hard with 3 young kids on your own. But sleep helps so much with well being, stress levels and general wellbeing.
You say you are 'justify' the child minder as oppose to cant afford it. Any money you have not on essential bills right now needs to go on you and getting you through the next 6-12 months. A cleaner. Extra hours at the CM. Just anything to shift the load slightly even if its temporary.

Start small. Pick one are to get ontop of. That might be getting ontop of the kids clothes each week for calmer mornings and bedtimes. Or keeping your own bedroom tidy so you have a sanctuary. Or doing a meal plan for the week. It you pick one small thing and get into a routine and stick to it you will feel good about yourself. A little bit more energised. And less overwhelmed.

Also, at the weekends put some music on for ten mins and dance and act daft with the kids. Just reengage with the parts of being a mum and your kids you do enjoy. Even this feels daunting. But it doesnt need to be a whole day out. Just ten mins to fill yours and their heart with joy and laughter. It will lift your mood.

If your family dont know how to help can you ask them for something specific. Next saturday or sunday could you come and take them to the park for an hour so i can tackle some housework in peace. Or watch them for an hour so i can do a big shop. Or have a bath in peace/go for a coffee.

I'm so grateful for all your replies. Honestly thank you. I've got an appt to discuss HRT so definitely pursuing this. My kids are 9, 7 and 4. It helps just to feel understood tbh. Much of what I struggle with is the fact noone seems to get how hard this is (I mean why should they) but somehow that alone compounds it. Thank you for your suggestions and for taking the time to write.

I did it with 2 from age 2&3. The court battles did me in. I was so knackered. And one never slept through the night.

I'd suggest HRT if possible and Lamberts multi guard ADR vitamins for a start (online from Landys chemist).

Then I'd look for daily help. Someone who can clean and sort the washing daily. Get the maximum you can afford to give yourself the space to get on top of the rest. My cleaner came 2x a week.

My kids learnt to help very young. We had really strong routines. We did things like swimming on Sunday late afternoon and took pjs with us so hair etc was done early and they got their stuff for the week sorted.

I cooked 2 large meals (like soup, stew, bolognaise etc) on a Sunday that did us until Thursday. They helped with veg chopping and stirring.

They did homework at after school club. We walked the dogs on the way back from school.

We did things like the washing together. Little one pairs socks.

Cleaner did the ironing. Took it away and brought it back.

Everything by the door ready to leave in the morning.

Everyone in the bath one after the other. Mine went together as we had a v big bath. While I heated supper.

We didn't do a vast amount of activities. Gym and riding because those were convenient and they liked them.

When we did the grocery shopping they helped. I bribed them with a ride at the end. They've grown up very independent because they learnt to do it young.

Good luck. It is hard.

Also the 9yr old and 7yr old can help. My 9 year old can follow instructions and complete basic tasks that are genuinely helpful. She can chop (with the right knife), set and clear table, empty washer, hang laundry up. One of the biggest things that
Help when tidying is having them
Run around-put this on my bed, put these in the basket in the bathroom, pop these on the side in the kitchen. Unpacking food shops. They should feel part of a team. I actually find mine behave better the more responsibility they are given. It raises their self esteem.

Each day ten mins could be spent like above. Quick blitz.

Also your four yr old is going to be much easier in a year. Having all three at school in the same place is so much simpler. And they will grow up so much in a year at school and be better at following instructions.

Is your 4 year old i school or in chiodcare?

I am Lp since my ds waa 10 months old.

My ds is now 15 .. challenges in different ways....

Things that helped.... beavers/cubs

Do a ten-minute tidy up in a morning.

Get the kids to help 4 year old will likely be the least help but most enthusiastic.. we put music on (D's type songs )

Routine is the most hellful thing.. when 4 year old goes to bed give okder ones half hour in bed reading..

You might need to directly ask for help.

Yes.
I was knackered from all the court hearing and appointments associated with it. (Think there was something like 14 court hearings). 2 traumatised children and an anxious mother! There is now a no contact order, but it's taken its toll.
I think it's fair to say that it's ok not to be able to do everything. As long as you and your children are happy and secure.yhe rest will sort it self out.
Eg if I don't do the kids homework or forget to get them to read their school book. You don't have to be perfect. I've struggled with that big time. After having so many professionals look at my parenting I became scared/obsessed with being a perfect parent. Hell no ones a perfect parent!!
Get school meals for your children, removes a lot of the stress of cooking "a proper meal"
Just do what you have to do and don't worry about the rest.

I really really appreciate all your comments and suggestions thank you so much. I'm so sorry that many of you have also struggled/are still struggling.

I don't think I'd quite appreciated just how traumatic and emotionally draining the court hearings and all that's associated with them has been. And the impact on the children that as mother you also have to contain and navigate. It's been suffocating at times.

Definitely some ideas that I can try here. I'm at the stage where I first just need find some time and space to do the thinking around implementing change. My head feels so exhausted, battered and overwhelmed that I literally don't have the capacity to organise myself to do the organising if that makes sense. This is what I need to prioritise I think.

Thank you again for all your kindness and empathy.

The other thing to remember is that your not just a single parent. But a single parent going through the horrendous process which is the family courts. I have friends who have had one or 2 hearings. But to repeatedly go to hearings. It's rough.
I often felt very alone, and living between hearings was very very hard. Tbh I existed rather than lived, 2 years on and I'm still recovering. Not helped by still having issues with the ex. I've started to have some councilling which I thing will really help. I struggle with feeling over whelmed and over thinking. But I'm hopeful for the future.

Im glad reaching out has helped you feel
Less alone and questioning your sanity.

Totally get your last post. Its why you need to start really really small. Today i am going to clear that single piece of kitchen worktop. Or today i am going to get rid of all the toiletries we dont use to make the bathroom easier to clean. Or today i am going to remove all the shoes from the shoe cupboard that no longer fit. Really really small simple things that can be executed in 10-15 mins and dont required planning or organising or lists or buying in my storage.

You are too exhausted and drained to tackle major projects.

I so feel for you. And totally understand about the brainfrying nature of it all - especially with court hearings on top, which are traumatic in themselves. You’re sound just too burned out to even think about how to organise and sequence change - though ironically maybe you deploy those skills at work all the time.

I spent last weekend in a similar state, though probably not as bad. So completely get it.

great suggestions here, but totally endorse magaluf’s suggestion above of just doing one thing. One small item a day, 10 mins. That might help make you feel a bit more in control, which in turn will help calmness. And from there you can start to make bigger changes, when and if you can.

but overall, I’d say….If you can make it through the day and everyone is still alive, you’re doing well. Right now, with all the trauma of court & its effects on you & the kids, that’s enough. You’re doing great.

This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. Also in the middle of family court, narcissistic ex, no contact at the moment, three young kids. Battling everywhere to get progress and support for them, a toddler who doesn’t sleep a full on full time job. I just sat in my living room, stared at the mess for 15 minutes thinking I should do something about it then turned the light off and came to bed. I just can’t. I can’t keep going anymore.

ohwhynow I’m so sorry. Also been there (and still am so often), narc ex (which in itself destroys your mind).

go to bed. Get some sleep. The main job is to stay sane, not clear up the toys. That can wait.

I am so sorry to hear that some of you are feeling exactly the way I am and are struggling with the overwhelming demand and pressure of juggling it all on your own.

For those who have also experienced the trauma of abuse and court I send you all my love.
Having to go through multiple hearings and being at the mercy of the family court is brutal. It consumes and depletes you. I'm so sorry for those still facing conflict from their ex whist also trying to navigate the stress of the children and day to day stuff. It is soul destroying. Especially on days when you've got nothing left to give.

Thank you so much for everyone who has shared their experiences and advice here. I think there is something incredibly powerful about connecting with women who have walked down the path you're currently on. And not just walked it but are able to say 'hey look I'm still standing in spite of all the crap that's been thrown at me and all that I'm holding and juggling'. And for those who are feeling broken by it all - like I am - it gives us hope and helps to see that although this is tough. Really really tough some days. And will no doubt be tough for a long while to come. It is survivable. Thank you.

Just wondering how you are doing Tallulah? And Whymenow?

Thank you so much for asking itslookinggood. Thank you for being so caring.

Whymenow I really hope you're ok.

I so want to say fine! And there have been some moments this week that have been fine. I've started to think about the changes I need to make that are going to help. And identified my barriers to implementing them. Then thought through what steps I need to take first. So that in itself has helped me to breathe a little.

It just all goes a bit to shit again when the kids have meltdowns/ trash the rooms I have managed to tidy within 30 seconds/ fight with each other/ all want me at the same time/ refuse to get dressed/get in the car/bath or whatever the issue of resistance is that day. Wake me in the night so I'm shattered on top of shattered. Cry because they don't want to go to school or childminder which then leaves me late for work, feeling guilty. Not going to sleep early on the nights I desperately need to catch up on urgent work etc. Calling out mum...mum...mum...mum to the extent my brain explodes.

Not that you'd think it reading that but they actually are lovely kids and can be so loving and considerate at times. But I guess my tolerance is so low right now that when they do play up it hits my nervous system full on.

I think this is the thing being a lone parent- there's no one to hand over to - even for a few minutes- so that you can just breathe, regulate and center yourself. Instead you're just exposed to more and more and more and more throughout the day to the extent that by the end of the day I either become really reactive or shut down incapacitated. I just can't take one more demand on me.

Anyway one step at a time...

Thank you again

it sounds like you’ve analysed & understood it so well. You’re just so wrung out - and all your resilience has been used up by traumatic court battles etc. so you’re running on empty, and as you say, by the end of thr day you’re at less than zero and physically can’t copy with any more demands.

My kids are a bit older and it does get easier. But I completely recognise the emotional exhaustion and low tolerance levels, esp by end of day.

so maybe as well as the practical side, it’s about trying to build in a few gaps to your day where you can refill the tank a bit, to try to just get a few more mls of resilience for the evening shift? Totally get about the full-on SE job (same here) but is it possible to take even 10 mins for a coffee where you don’t do anything at all? Or even 15? Just to get some space for you?

nearer the end of the day might be best, to store it up for the evening.

honestly it will probably take a few months for you to completely refill, but small stages (like those you’re taking) will all accumulate over time.

you’re doing great x

You sound bloody amazing, rising young kids alone whilst working is very hard.

I’ve been in my own for 8 years with 2 dc (both with SN’s), there have been several times where I have felt I can’t carry on, it’s been really hard and lonely at times too. My dc are now teens and things have got easier but some days are still hard especially with dd2 who needs 1:1 care when she’s not at school. I feel angry that their dad has the freedom to do what he wants, that he has a new life whilst I raise his dc with hardly any support from him but he doesn’t get to enjoy the rewards, the proud moments. Today I moved dd1 into uni alone whilst watching couples/parents move their dc in, I felt immense sadness but also I feel proud, proud of my dd and proud that I was the one that got her there, he can’t take any credit for it.

Its ok to have bad days, it’s ok to have a messy disorganised house, it’s ok to stick kids in front of the tv for the day so you can have a break, it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to feel guilt. Things do get easier and before you know it they will be young adults…adults you have raised 🙂.

@TallulahBell11 exactly the same. Just exactly the same. Thank you for asking @Itslookinggood

Hi I work with someone who has 3 children, 1 very young child. She has just started work again, she is a single parent. She is struggling for money and she needs people to help and support her. She does not have any family and friends to support her. Is there any where she can go for support, a website or telephone number? I have had a look online. There is the gingerbread charity, are they useful and there is the prince's trust, is that worth a try? Is there a support group she could go to? Any help would be much appreciated.

I hear you. Although the kids are on the young side do try to get them to keep things tidy and help out. They need to understand that you are a team and you simply can’t do it all.

@TallulahBell11 I wrote almost the exact same post word for word last week - very similar situations with 3 children, horrendous ex (2 diagnosed personality disorders after I left him) and endless court drama (injunctions, no contact order, finances as he plays games with CMP, defended the divorce etc).

I dont know how to link the post, but the thread was in this forum (I'm so ashamed). Please read it if you get time and see if you want to set up a support thread.

Youre doing well from the sounds of it and the stress you're under is a heavy weight. It's the hopelessness that is wearing - when someone wants to make your life hell because they're angry you defied them then the legal system enables endless harrassment. I'm sorry for your situation and sending a virtual hug.