Children don't want to go out with their Dad

[NeedSleepNow]

I am a single Mum to 3 children aged 12, 10 and 5. They live with me full time (no court order in place and no real routine with when they see their Dad which is causing all manor of problems but that's a separate issue).

They do see their Dad most weekends and sometimes in the week but the kids often don't want to. We still own the house jointly so legally he can come and go as he wants to. Recently he has arranged to take them out but the kids do not want to go. The oldest has a terrible relationship with his Dad and wants very little to do with him. The 10 year old is very clingy and tearful and just wants to stay with me and the 5 year old is happyl to go some of the time but other times just sobs.

Would you force the kids to go or just make them available and if they won't go don't make an issue of it? Their Dad does often see them at the house but they don't want to go out with him. I think they feel more secure at home. He gets very angry with me when the children don't want to go with him.

Yes I have been paying the mortgage for the last year, although he will tell people he still pays for the house at he thinks child maintenance contributes towards things like the mortgage.

We are married, I've had an initial pay as you go appointment for legal advise and am meant to be having a first mediation session soon but I'm assuming that will be pointless as ex hates being told he is wrong about anything. My solicitor advised me to file for divorce ASAP but I have very little money spare at the moment and the fee would wipe out my savings completely so I haven't filed for divorce yet.

@FictionalCharacter I have never forced them to go. I have at times tried to convince them to but I haven't made them go much to ex's annoyance. You are right, they will resent me if I force them to go and I need to stop trying to convince them to as all it will do is make them feel guilty for having the feelings and emotions that they do.

I stopped trying to convince my DC to go with his dad. He was miserable coming back and I felt long term DC would blame me for being put into an unhappy situation.
My Ex berates me for being an awful mother anytime DC refuses to see him. It’s all my fault.

Do you have a CAO in place or just an informal arrangement?

Informal. As long as I don’t look for money he doesn’t push for more time with DC. Ex values his money above all else and it’s not in DC best interests to spend more time with his dad.
once you get a deadbolt on the door the house can become a safe place for the children. The childish BS from the EX will still happen though as they don’t accept any responsibility for the poor child/father relationship. To your ex that will always be your fault.

You could also say the front door key broke in the lock, had to change it, sorry, and don't give him the new key. You have to calmly and assertively stand up to him. He might kick off, or look snarly and livid like mine did, literally snarling, and it took everything to just stand there calmly repeating myself and trying to be reasonable even though I didn't feel calm. Know that you can write it down and/or call the police/file a police report. Absolutely after that long, you have a right to a home. Nobody reasonable would disagree. Start talking and listening to people who are reasonable. If you're lawyer says you can't change the locks, get a different one. Good Luck!! You've got this.

How are you hearing all the lies he is spouting, about how much money he pays you etc - because if people are telling you all this they are not your friends.
You gain nothing from hearing these things - just get more stressed.

The children often tell me what he has been saying and he loves moaning about the money directly to me

You’ve described some abusive behaviour from him. I would get some advice in light of this.

Time to draw a line under this surely? Sort out the finances, get a court order agreeing to access (definitely not 50/50) and for those people saying kids should be forced to see their clearly abusive father, no, they shouldn't. And the 12 year old is old enough to decide for himself if he wants to see his father. It's not up to the child to nurture the relationship - sounds as if he's been through enough. Good luck.

Yes agreeing finances and access is a definite priority right now, as the kids and I can't continue as things are.

Once access is agreed I think I will make the children available at the agreed times but if they do not want to go out with their Dad I won't force them to.

I'm sure everything will always be my fault, he is not one to accept responsibility for anything.

Chsnge the locks
File for divorce
His behavoiour is unrrasonable you dont have to have him come and ho you are seprated
Let him kick off then you cqll police
Routine for kids eow and one midweek he picks them up ftom school then drops them off

It gets easier. Once you get things settled and the kids are happier you will be able to relax. Honestly the insults have very little effect on me now. I just roll my eyes. Things won’t always be this way for you and the kids.

Dont telk tgem daddy loves tgem etc.
Ylhus actions aay different
Just say
It is daddy s time with you
It is your day to be with daddy

Thank you, I really hope it does. At the moment everything feels like a battle with him.

If you have a decent amount of equity in the house @NeedSleepNow , could you sell?

You could divorce at the same time, I'm sure there are solicitors that would be happy to receive payment from your house sale. You may be entitled to more than 50% if you have made all the career sacrifices for your DC.

You could put the majority of your equity in savings until a time when mortgage rates are more reasonable, pay a year's rent upfront, then pay a monthly 'rent' into your savings account.

Alternatively, if you have a big chunk of equity, you could look at buying a flat outright to rent out to cover some of your own rent.

There is a reasonable amount of equity, my solicitor thinks 60/40 split would be appropriate given the difference in our earnings and career potential (I gave up a good career to be a stay at home mum). My issue is that I won't be able to get a mortgage in just my name as I don't earn enough (I get a top up from universal credit but most lenders won't take this in to account). If I sell and rent, within a few years all of the money would be gone as rent is very expensive here and my universal credit would stop I would end up using a lot of the money each month. I had hoped family would be able to help me to buy him out/get a joint mortgage but with house prices rising and mortgage rates increasing this is looking very unlikely too.

Are there any shared ownership houses near you @NeedSleepNow

Will your mortgage power go up? Can you work more/different? They're rare and not ideal but if you stayed in the house for a bit could you afford to buy in a few years if you got a mesher?

Also court process can take forever so unlikely to move anytime soon

Unfortunately there are very few shared ownership properties near me, I saw 2 for sale three years ago and none since! It would be an ideal option if any come up.

At the moment I work part time term time only, and am studying at college in my spare time in the hope that it will lead to a better paid and flexible career for me. If I stay where I am at the moment I should be and to go full time within the next year.

I would ideally like to stay in the house for a couple of years whilst the mortgage rate is still fixed and then look to move, hoping that by then my borrowing capacity will be higher and house prices will have settled a bit by then.

One option is just stay put and let him take you to court to get you out. Will take ages. In the meantime get busy on the study and career planning so that when it comes to selling you will be in a better position to get a mortgage

Yes I'm really hoping that within a year or two my reliance on universal credit will be a lot lower and mean I should find it a bit easier to get a mortgage. Once I have my college qualification it will hopefully be easier for me to move up the career ladder from my current job.

💪🙌